FUNNY QUOTES THAT WILL BRING SOME HUMOR 

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFE

When life give you lemons… you know the rest. Take yourself a little less seriously with these funny quotes about life.

• “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

• “Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker

• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

• “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." — Mitch Hedberg

• “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres

• “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

• “I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I don’t know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?’ You know, who knows?” — Oscar Nunez

• “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright

• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous

• “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey),  Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

• “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis),  Steel Magnolias

• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom

• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

• "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." — Albert Einstein

• “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White

• “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres

• “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey,  Bossypants

FUNNY WORK QUOTES

Five days of your week are spent under someone else’s roof, so use up some of that time with these fun quotes about being a working stiff.

• “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” — Adam Gropman

• “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

• “No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

• “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates

• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

• Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”

• Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”

• —Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston),  Office Space

• “I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow

• “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

• "Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays." — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

• “If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” — James Johnson

• “Every Friday, I like to high five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, willpower, and inappropriate humor.” —Nanea Hoffman

FUNNY MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES

Don’t go the usual route to achieving your dreams; read through these funny motivational quotes and have them inspire you instead!

• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain

• “Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees, and then kindness.” — Nanea Hoffman

• “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson,  The Simpsons

• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — Winnie the Pooh

• "Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist—while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of wine, I drank it! Sincerely, the opportunist!"

• — Lori Greiner

• “Be the person that when your feet touch the floor in the morning the devil says, “Awe sh*t, they’re up”. — Dwayne Johnson

• “My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford

• “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” — Benjamin Franklin

• “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain

• “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

• ― Mindy Kaling

• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

• “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry

• “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” — Oscar Wilde

• "I have the same goal I've had ever since I was a girl. I want to rule the world." — Madonna

FUNNY FAMILY QUOTES

For better or for worse, nobody knows you like your family. Feel some camaraderie with these funny quotes about family.

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

• “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

• “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” — Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant),  Arsenic and Old Lace

• “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett

• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

• “If people are upset because you’ve forgotten something, console them by letting them know you didn’t forget—you just weren’t remembering.” — Winnie the Pooh

• “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey

• “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall

• “I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” — Bob Hope

• “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz

• “Good parenting means investing in your child's future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” —Lin-Manuel Miranda

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Love is simultaneously the most beautiful and most perplexing thing in the world. Get a little perspective with these quotes about relationships that will make you chuckle.

• “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

• "If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

• "You know you are in love when the two of you can go grocery shopping together." — Woody Harrelson

• ”Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” — Albert Einstein

• "If I get married, I want to be very married." — Audrey Hepburn

• “Some people care too much. I think it's called love.” — Winnie the Pooh

• "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Marois

• "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." — Winston Churchill

• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

• "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey

• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel

• "Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from." — Nora Ephron

• “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery

• "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." — Charles M. Schulz

• "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." — Dr. Suess

• "We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness--and call it love--true love." — Robert Fulghum

• “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

• "When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again." — Albert Einstein

• “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed (Mia Farrow),  Crimes and Misdemeanors

FUNNY QUOTES FROM MOVIES AND TELEVISION

Some of the funniest lines in history come from our favorite television shows and movies. Enjoy a few throwbacks with these hilarious quotes.

• “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and  Driving Miss Daisy.” — Elise (Goldie Hawn),  The First Wives Club

• “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” — Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker),  Sex and the City

• “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose (Betty White),  The Golden Girls

• “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.” — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers),  Dr. Strangelove

• “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx

• “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.” — Joe Fox (Tom Hanks),  You’ve Got Mail

• Police officer: “Pull over.”

• Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.” — Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels),  Dumb and Dumber

• “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory (Ellen DeGeneres),  Finding Dory

FUNNY HOLIDAY QUOTES

Celebrate each holiday with a touch of humor by including these funny quotes in your greeting cards or holiday announcements!

• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” — David Letterman

• “Halloween was confusing. All my life, my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’” — Rita Rudner

• “If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.” — Douglas Coupland

• “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” — Winston Spear

• “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

• "The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes." — Julius Sharpe

• "You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." — Maya Angelou

• "Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." — Andy Borowitz

• “I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” — Bridger Winegar

• “I thought it would funny to stuff my kids’ Christmas stocking with actual stockings. I’ve never heard crying like that.” — Conan O’Brien

• "Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year." — Victor Borge

• "My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." — Melanie White

• “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry

• "Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." – Kin Hubbard

• “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz

• "There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." — Bob Phillips

• "Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." — Wendy Cope

• "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." — Shirley Temple Black

• "Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp." — Melanie White

• “The thing about Valentine’s Day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan

• ”Never sign a Valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens

• "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." — Lewis Black

• “You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.” — Mike Primavera

• "Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." — Jimmy Fallon

• “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” — Melanie White

• "I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV." — Tracy Smith

• “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan