Self Help and Emotional Support

FEAR

1. Some people tend to discount fear as “silly” or “nothing to worry about.” This is not helpful and makes fear worse. The best way to counter fear is to step right into it. Inviting others to share their fears and validating them, e.g. “That would be tough wouldn’t it,” lightens other’s burdens by helping them realize that they do not have to carry worry alone, for others are helping shoulder the load.
2. Some may personalize the situation. I made contact today with friends in England, Ecuador, and Egypt who are all going through the same thing I am. My English friend has seen an uptick in business. My Egyptian friend is in the tourism industry. It has killed her source of income. Nonetheless, each of them, like me, are practicing some level of social distancing/quarantine and are surrounded by community resources whose doors are shuttered. We, the people of this world, are in this together.
3. Given number two, there is no one who is not impacted by this pandemic, most likely in some long-term way. My English friends is the financial exception, but there are other aspects of his life that will play out over time. The universal commonality of the problem ignites empathy for one another, and while there may be some charlatans who deceive and prey, many others will step forward in goodwill. Because of the scale of those affected, governments and businesses will have to work together to reestablish and stabilize our lives.
4. Fear is caused by lack of control or the unknown. When fear sets in, looking for something that can be easily controlled like cleaning a drawer, calling a friend, painting a fence, praying, or playing with children, etc., helps. Distraction can be a great thing.
5. Finding compensatory blessings or expressing gratitude is a great antidote to fear and sadness. Some wonderful positives entered my life this past week. I had more time to renew connections with others (thus my international friends), clean my garage, organize our home office, learn new computer programs, try new hair styles, get enough sleep, etc. It helps to journal 3 gratitudes each day.
6. Building a historical perspective helps people look back and identify how they have coped with difficult things in the past. It builds hope and innovation. The Lord wants us to be successful. He hard-wired us with amazing coping capabilities (think the Holocaust, wars, natural disasters, famines, etc.) Human beings have not gone extinct or been on the endangered species list yet!
7. A plan is good. Flexibility and a plan is exceptional. How will we navigate our financial situation if we are out of work 4, 6, or 8 weeks? What can we do to enhance our income and reduce spending during this time? How can we use this time to innovate? Inviting learning is a great way to reduce fear and feel progression.
8. Prioritization and accommodation are critical skills. Living the same as we did yesterday is not prudent because today is very different. If we try to maintain our lives at the same level as yesterday we will continually live in frustration, disappointment, and fear. This is a great time to reexamine what is most important and creatively scale down busy lives.
9. Developing an attitude of curiosity changes the fear experience. Building a paradigm of wonder about personal capabilities in the face of new learning opportunities induces a growth mindset.
10. Building a personal media filter shields inappropriate worry and panic. Choosing one or two reputable news sources that spell the facts without inflated vocabulary over constant alerts with inflated language makes space for calm. Facts give something concrete. Inflated, alarming words fuel unrealistic fear. It is helpful and perhaps vital to keep up on the facts. It is disastrous to be fed by media frenzy.

ISOLATION

1. Some people may try to over comply with recommendations to feel safe. Most or all of us are in a social distancing situation and few have been quarantined. While we may have to keep space between us, we do not have to be isolated. Engaging in the outdoors is therapeutic, for example working out at a high school track where others are gathered at a safe distance. Having lunch with a friend parked side by side, with six feet between cars is complying with social distance recommendations.
2. Some may personalize the situation. Nearly everyone in the world is going through this. There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone.
3. Sitting with lonely feelings for a few minutes and naming the feelings (I’m feeling isolated, alone, separated, estranged, etc.) helps reduce them. Usually feelings pass after a short time. No one is sad, happy, upset, embarrassed all the time.
4. Alone time creates opportunities to care for one of God’s children. Some people can see the divinity in others and fail to see it in themselves. If one person is a child of God, we all are. A little self-love, self-compassion, and self-care goes a long way.
5. Circumstances like this sometimes create mental barriers that prevent people from reaching out to one another. Sometimes lonely feelings and prevent us from interacting with those within our reach. This is an opportune time to get to know family members better or in different ways. It’s a great time to notice and compliment those around us.
6. Technology is now a dear friend. Using communication apps keeps us connected. How can we bring this blessing to those who may not have it or not know how to use it?
7. Learning or teaching a skill builds companionship. This can be through technology or in-person if someone in the household is willing.
8. Service replaces loneliness with caring. There are many ways to serve even with the restrictions and limitations placed upon us.
9. Fresh air is rejuvenating. Noticing nature and the natural beauties of the earth feeds connection to God.
10. Focusing on what we can do instead of what we can’t do is a resilient mindset. Even though we may not be able to gather in person, we can schedule regular check-ins with people we normally interact with, whether by phone or computer. We are doing this at our office. We have a TEAMS meeting every morning at 8:45. First we assess how everyone is doing and then we review our needs for the day.

General Principles and Suggested Ideas for Application

Demonstrate Compassion

• We love you
• Our hearts are filled with compassion for you
• We’re so sorry for your loss
• We are praying for your welfare
• We’re here to listen (allow silence—just being there is supportive)

Empathize & Normalize Responses

If appropriate, you may consider addressing their responses:

• We don’t fully understand the pain you are feeling
• It’s reasonable to feel:
  • Sad, angry, confused, lost, numb, guilt, helpless
• It’s natural to struggle with:
  • Sleep, headaches, stomachaches, appetite, daily routines, and spiritual practices
• It’s normal to feel like our thoughts and emotions are beyond our control
• Our feelings and responses during times like this are understandable
• Everyone has unique and personal responses—it’s okay to feel strong and like you’re doing well, and it is okay to struggle.

Provide Practical Coping Strategies - Suggest practical ideas if they ask for advice

• We do our best to take care of our body through proper nutrition, hydration, hygiene, exercise, sleep and prescribed medications
• We can limit engaging in news and social media
• We can practice healthy coping strategies
  • What are your coping strategies? What has worked for you in the past?
• We can attend to the needs of children, the disabled, and/or elderly
• We can find ways to help one another
• We can hold to our faith and spiritual beliefs
• We can face life one day, hour or minute at a time
• Let’s work together to find something to do today

Teach How to Help One Another

Victims of crisis are typically worried about the welfare of others—they can help by:

• Being free of expectations or judgments
• Gently encouraging and supporting proper nutrition, hydration, and sleep
• Helping to brainstorm positive ways to deal with reactions
• Offering to talk or spend time together as much as is needed
• Allowing for the expression of feelings
• Not forcing conversations or feelings that are not freely shared
• Being compassionate and not claiming they know how others feel
• Praying with them
• Being cautious about sharing stories from their own past
• Providing appropriate physical comfort
• Continuing to be present with them, even when they are not sure what to say or do

Offer Hope

In acute crisis situations, deeper expressions of faith and hope are not typically helpful. Consider hopeful statements like:

• We’re here with you and for you
• We know people who can help
• We’ll keep checking in with you
• We will help with ______________
• We’ll give you the space that you need, and we’ll be available to help and be with you as well.

Helping Individuals Affected by Tragedy

A Guide for Conversations

These conversations involve both listening and guiding. Individuals affected by tragedy typically benefit from both talking about their experiences and being assisted with problem-solving and referrals to resources.

ESTABLISHING A TRUSTING RELATIONSHP

Individuals best respond when those helping offer caring eye contact (when culturally appropriate), a calm presence, and listen with their hearts. Trusting relationships are built when feelings of interest and understanding are experienced and when genuine concern is shown. Trust can grow when we demonstrate respect and when we are not judgmental.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Those helping listen most effectively when they take in information through their ears, eyes, and spiritual promptings to better understand the individual's situation and needs. Some tips for listening include:

• Allow silence - Silence gives the individual time to reflect and become aware of feelings. Silence can prompt the individual to elaborate. Simply "being with" the individual and their experience is helpful.
• Attend nonverbally - Eye contact (when culturally appropriate), head nodding, and caring facial expressions, lets the person know that those helping are connecting with them.
• Paraphrase - When the those helping repeat portions of what the individual has said, understanding, interest, and empathy are conveyed. Paraphrasing also checks for accuracy, clarifies misunderstandings, and lets the individual know that they are being heard. Ways to start include: "So you are saying that…" or "I have heard you say…”
• Reflect feelings - Those helping may notice that the individual’s tone of voice or nonverbal gestures suggests anger, sadness, or fear. Possible responses are, "Many of us feel angry, overwhelmed, scared etc., does that fit for you?" It helps when the individual can identify and articulate emotions.

Allow expression of emotions - Expressing intense emotions through tears or angry venting can be an important part of healing. It often helps the individual work through feelings so that they can better work on constructive problem-solving. Those helping should stay relaxed, breathe, and let the individual know that it is OK to feel.

Facing Challenges Beyond Our Control

A Self-Help Guide

Experiencing challenges out-of-our control can strain communities, families and individuals. This guide is to help individuals use their resources to strengthen emotional, mental, social, physical, and spiritual resilience. Resilience is the ability to withstand, adapt to and recover from stress and adversity.

Self-Help Steps

1. Identify and accept: “Our responses are normal human reactions to stressful circumstances”
2. Focus our thoughts: “How can we help others?” and “What can we do to cope and adapt?”
3. Act: Help others and practice coping strategies on the next page

4. Identify and accept: The following are common responses to challenges out-of-our control—check all that apply to you. Strive to accept your responses as normal human reactions to stressful circumstances.

Emotional

• Shock
• Denial
• Fearfulness
• Numbness
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Helplessness
• Anger, agitation
• Grief
• Guilt
• Irritability, reactivity
• Impatience
• Worries about personal health

Physical

• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Twitching
• Dizziness
• Headache
• Sleep disturbance
• Change in appetite
• Muscle tension
• Shallow breathing

Mental

• Impaired judgment
• Forgetfulness
• Distractibility
• Distorted sense of time, reality
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks
• Hypervigilance
• Confusion

Social

• Loneliness
• Distrust
• Withdrawal
• Isolation
• Clinginess
• Marital or relationship tension
• Parent/child conflict
• Fear of being alone
• Protectiveness

Spiritual

• Increased faith and reliance on God
• Feeling abandoned by God
• Feelings of guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Finding it hard to engage in religious practices such as meditation, prayer, church attendance, etc.
• Decreased desires to live a good life
• Decrease in gratitude
• Loss of hope

Focus our thoughts: We can carefully take wise and safe precautions in our lives. However, we still experience strenuous events or circumstances beyond our control. How we respond and adapt to these circumstances are in our control.

Victor Frankl survived extreme suffering in the German concentration camp Auschwitz. His parents, brother and wife were all killed in camps. He taught, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom.” (Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning, p. 75).

Act: Help others

• Try to be free of expectations and judgments
• Help brainstorm positive ways to cope
• Offer to spend time together
• Allow for expressions of feelings
• Don’t force conversations for feelings that are not freely shared
• Be understanding. Do not claim you know how they feel
• Provide comfort
• Just be there

Practice coping strategies: (Check the strategies below that you can apply in your current circumstances)

Emotional

• Keep a journal of thoughts, feelings, and experiences
• Listen to, sing or play inspiring music
• Take a shower or bath
• Talk about your feelings
• Watch an uplifting movie or show
• Use relaxation methods (deep breathing, meditation, positive thinking, pleasant smells)
• Allow yourself to cry
• Allow yourself to feel peace and happiness
• Identify comforting activities, places, and objects
• Imagine a safe and peaceful place
• Schedule pleasant activities
• Find things that make you laugh
• Take breaks
• Spend time with pets
• Enjoy nature
• Draw or paint
• Look through family photos

Physical

• Drink water and eat regularly
• Eat healthy
• Get enough sleep
• Practice good hygiene
• Wear clothes you like
• Exercise in moderation
• Go for a walk
• Physical labor
• Dance, swim, run, play sports, or other physical activities
• Take necessary medications
• Establish and maintain a regular routine
• Reward yourself with special treats or activities
• Hug, hold and demonstrate appropriate physical affection with your family and friends
• Yoga or stretching
• Get regular medical care

Mental

• Read or listen to uplifting books
• Study a new topic
• Help children with schoolwork
• Write stories or poems
• Write letters to loved ones
• Teach someone a new skill
• Write a priority list and do one thing at a time
• Set short-and long-term goals
• Do puzzles
• Seek accurate information from trustworthy sources
• Engage your mind in a new area (art, history, sports, auctions, theater)
• Recognize questions may be unanswerable, or only may be answered in the future
• Take a break from news
• Focus on known facts rather than speculations

Social

• Spend time with family and friends
• Play with children
• Play games
• Stay in contact with important people
• Invite others to dinner
• Find ways to help and serve others
• Take a break from social media
• Join or re-establish contact with community organizations
• Communicate your thoughts and feelings

Spiritual

• Ponder and meditate
• Find a spiritual connection or community
• Be open to inspiration
• Cherish your optimism and hope
• Be aware of life’s non-material aspects
• Identify what is meaningful and notice its place in your life
• Pray, sing
• Contribute to causes in which you believe
• Be open to not knowing
• Read inspirational literature (talks, music, scripture, etc.)
• Seek counsel from trusted Church leaders