Vitamin Fix

Word Count: 4,220

Andy didn’t think today could get any worse. Actually, he didn’t think his life could get any worse. Sitting in a plain white room with a bright white light and linoleum flooring that has yellowed over the years hurt his eyes and gave him a special kind of headache that could only be acquired through working retail. His manager is sitting at his dull and rundown fake wooden desk in the most ear piercing rolling chair Andy has ever had the displeasure of listening to. Andy sits in a plain metal foldable chair right across from him.

The manager sitting right in front of him, whose name he didn’t bother to remember, clears his throat and raises his eyebrows as if trying to convey sympathy. “Andy, do you know why I called you into my office today?”

“No.” He wants to roll his eyes so bad they sting. He probably looks constipated or worse, guilty.

“Customers stated in their surveys that they find you ‘strange and unsettling.”’ He says as if it were obvious to Andy that he was strange and unsettling. 

Andy blinks at the harshness, but asks instead, “What did I say?”

“Well, let's not kid ourselves Andy, but you are a bit too honest about yourself to customers.”

“Is this about what happened last week?” Andy asks in annoyed disbelief. “How is it my fault that when the lady asked me how I was doing and I said one step closer to death that she would call for help?”

What’s-his-face grimaces with a downward turn of his lips. He ignores Andy’s statement and continues. “Another survey says that when they asked you where the section for food processors were, if you’ll excuse my language, you responded with ‘I don’t fuckin’ know’ and walked off. How is that not unsettling?”

“Wait, so am I getting fired?”

“How about this, Andy.”

Andy suppresses the urge to groan.

“How about we figure out a new method to problem solve and work on our customer service. Come in tomorrow and we will have you shadow another one of the managers. How does that sound?” Manager man looks almost hopeful and it makes Andy two steps closer to wanting to wipe the stupid smile off his stupid face. 

“Sure thing boss man I can do that.” Andy hopes the sarcasm dripping from his words was properly conveyed.

“Perfect!” It wasn’t. “I will schedule you in for the morning shift and inform the morning manager.” This man either gave zero fucks or he was just as stupid as Andy imagined. 

With that, Smiley gets up from his chair, signaling Andy to get up as well and follow him out. “Alright then Andy, you’re free to go. I will see you next time. Hopefully with a revived spirit!”

Andy wants to jump off the building. 

                                    __________________________________

These days, killing yourself isn’t too hard. It was simple really. Take six vitamins and on the seventh, boom dead. Simple and undetectable. The best part was you simply die in your sleep. There was nothing more painless than that. Andy didn’t believe it at first. He thought he was being scammed into a mystery vitamin kinda deal and, in the end, they would do nothing and he would still feel as shitty as he was before taking them. He would’ve stopped a while ago if it wasn’t for the fact that every time he thought about overdosing or jumping off a building  he imagined the pain would be terrible, and there was always that chance of survival. Then he’d have to live with the humiliation of not being able to get the job done. A failure in life and in death. Besides these vitamins weren’t like normal drugs where you could overdose or get high. They were literally just vitamins. The kind that have melatonin and help you sleep at night, wake up the next day feeling refreshed. 

Andy got his vitamin fix from a guy who sold all kinds of drugs in the back of a BestBuy. There are no street lamps or cars around at 2am; the bushes and trees add an extra layer of shadow that makes their faces indistinguishable. At first Andy was nervous about the security cameras, but then he realized that literally no one gives a shit. Go figures.

At the usual spot, Dan was standing there smoking a joint. Andy met him in highschool when his business was just taking off. Andy wasn’t really interested in drugs at that time, but the dude was chill and they shared a mutual hatred for math. He always had the craziest stories to tell and were far more entertaining to listen to than their teacher lecturing about the pythagorean theorem or some shit.

 Dan looked bored. Andy sometimes wondered what it would be like to just smoke a joint and sell the stuff that kills people with the kind of boredom that he has. How many people has he helped kill themselves?

“Hey man,” Dan says in between puffs. “You still wanna kill yourself?”

Andy admires his bluntness. “Wow, just gonna be straight up? Okay.”

“When you’ve been doing this for as long as I have you gotta be straight up, man.” He takes another drag. “You gotta be sure this is what you wanna do. I also don’t need no dumbass fuckin’ up my business, know what I’m sayin’?”

“Loud and clear.” Andy wipes his clammy hands on his jeans and shoves his hands in his pockets ready for this uncomfortable ass conversation to be over. 

“What pill are we on? Four? Five?” Dan asks, moving on already. Possibly reading Andy’s mind.

“Five.”

With a stretching groan Dan enunciates, “Alright.” He was always so casual. “Now I know I don’t need to go over the details with you, but Imma do it anyway. Take this before bed with a glass of water and then in five days you’ll need the next vitamin. Day early, a day late, and the medicine won’t fuckin’ work. Got it?” 

“Yup. Got it.” Andy felt like Dan was talking to an idiot. Maybe he was, but he understood the instructions. They were simple enough. He hands him the cash, ready to be done with this and go to bed. He missed his bed. 

“Good. Pleasure doing business with you and all that.”

                                    __________________________________

His apartment wasn’t much. It was a single room, a tight space bathroom, and a tiny kitchen that had chipped tile and scratched wood cabinets. He had a bed in the center and a small fold out table near the kitchen. It was the best he could afford with his current salary. His parents helped him get the place, but not without a lot of painful conversations about him being responsible. They always made sure to let him know that he could not be trusted with independence, taking care of himself, or his future. 

On nights like this, Andy had a routine. Read any new information pertaining to the vitamins, take a shower, brush his teeth, swallow the pill, go to bed. He felt neurotic about it at times. He had to make sure it worked right?  Online, more and more cases were being discovered of people mysteriously dying. One headline read “YOUNG WOMAN FOUND DEAD IN HER APARTMENT BY FAMILY. CAUSE STILL UNKNOWN. IS SLEEP BECOMING ETERNAL?” Maybe Andy wasn’t wasting his money.

After his shower, Andy placed a glass of water on the fold out table and pulled out the vitamin. He turned it over in his hand. The disgustingly bright orange pill with shimmers of light reflecting off of it. It looked fake even as he held it in his hands. He often wondered if there was an off chance that the pill would work early. Like it would finally end his misery and this terrible game of suspense. 

Without much else thought, he swallows it down with water.

                                  __________________________________

Working retail is pretty easy. Stock items, carry heavy boxes, help at the register, count money, plaster a fake smile on your face and ask people how their day is going. There is literally no special training required. Maybe if Andy went to college like his parents always wanted him to he wouldn’t have to deal with this corporate bullshit. Maybe he would be making a lot of money. Or maybe he would be working another miserable job that pays the same and suffering the monotony and the degree debt that got him there in the first place. Besides, he made good money. He had been working there for a while, so his paycheck increased and since he didn’t have much else going for him he could take on more shifts. They liked that about him. 

The manager stood over his shoulder and watched as he scanned each item and asked the same question over and over, “Hi! Were you able to find everything okay? Would you like to sign up for our credit card? You get 10% off if you apply!”

 “Um, I noticed that you have a policy where we can’t try on swimsuits. How am I supposed to know if they fit if I can’t try it on? Like, you’re making me buy this, so I should be able to try it on. ” 

Of course this would happen to him when he can’t afford a therapist.

                                 __________________________________

Andy used to think that he was better off alone. He figured the whole reason why his life was so miserable was because he had too many overbearing people in his life. His parents were constantly disappointed in him. Why didn’t he go to college? Why didn’t he get a job as a lawyer? Why was he failing his classes? Why didn’t he like girls? It’s your fault we don’t get along anymore. You never call. I’ve done my best. Why are you so ungrateful? I’ve spoiled you too much, that's why you’re so selfish. 

It was the same with his refusal to become a lawyer. His parents were outraged. What could possibly be more important than becoming a doctor or a lawyer? There is no future in pursuing art. You will be homeless or living with us the rest of your life. Is that what you want?

Of course he didn’t want to be homeless, and he definitely did not want to live with his parents. At one point in high school he thought he could be a writer. He thought he could write novels and tell stories that mattered, but he realized quickly that he would never publish anything worthy of being read. His friends at the time made him realize that the hard way. 

He was going to die in two weeks and all he could hear were his parent’s voices ringing in his head. So what if he was unsettling. Maybe that’s just the way he was. He could disappear and everything would go on the same.

                                 __________________________________

“...Sorry. Can you say that again?” 

“Yes I was asking if you have any more mediums in this blouse?” The woman looks like she has about had it with Andy. She holds up the blue shirt in full view for him, like he didn’t know what a blue shirt was or he didn’t have a scanner to let her know if there were more sizes. 

“I can find out for you.” At this point Andy feels numb.

“Great that's what I’ve been asking,” The woman says with a kind of sneer that just about destroyed any resolve he had left.

“Well did you see any more shirts that looked like it in that section?”

“No, I didn't see this blouse in any other section, if you were paying attention.” She rolls her eyes.

“Great then we don’t fuckin’ have it. Either ask nicely or fuck off. Can I help you with anything else?” He says with a venom sweet tone.

“I want to speak to your manager.” The woman looks frazzled and outraged. Andy couldn’t have been more pleased.

“What do you think she’s gonna do? Magically make the shirt appear?”  He starts feeling a rush of excitement. “If you’re done wasting my time, I’m gonna go.”

“I will call corporate and make sure they fire you!” The woman shouts.

“Sounds great!” He calls back. “Make sure you tell the council how strange and unsettling I am.”

“Andy. I thought we went over this.” Smiley was not smiling this time. “We went through new training so that you could fix that attitude that you have.” 

Andy bounces his leg.

“If we get one more complaint we are going to have to fire you.” 

“Wait. So I’m not getting fired?”

“It seems like you are trying your hardest to be let go, but don’t worry. We are willing to work with you and give you one more chance to prove that you are the great employee that we know you are.” Smiley is back to being smiley. It’s unsettling. 

Andy could not sit through this anymore. He was going to die and here he was stuck in another useless meeting about how he is not customer friendly. This couldn’t be how he was going to continue to live his last two weeks on earth. His soul was pushing him forward to smack his face hard against the desk, or maybe that was the headache setting in. 

“Actually I quit.”

“What?”

“I quit,” Andy says with more confidence. “I won’t be coming to work anymore. My two weeks are overdue. I’m not showing up.” 

“But we aren’t firing you? Why are you informing us so late? Is there any way we can convince you to stay? How about working only on the weekends?”

“Just now I’ve decided. Life is too short to stick to one fucked up job that doesn’t give a shit about its employees.” Andy stands up. “I’m leaving now.”

                                   __________________________________

A huge weight lifts off of his shoulders. He had never felt more free. He was going to die in two weeks, so what did it matter? 

Despite this, Andy feels stupid. More than stupid even. He feels like a down right dumbass. Sometimes after work, when the days are especially rough, there is a library he likes to frequent in town. It's one of those activities he does and tells no one about because who does a cringy ass thing like frequenting a library? But he does. It is his small way of staying close to literature even if he lacks the talent to make his own. And what's worse is that there is an extremely attractive guy who works there. Again typical. 

Andy’s life couldn’t get any worse, so with his new found freedom he was going to be spontaneous until his time was up.

The public library was built in the late 1980s and looked like it hadn’t been updated or renovated since. The rooms smell like mildew and dust, and the metal shelves have brown paint that is chipping away revealing the metallic silver. It’s the kind of metal that makes your hands smell after touching it for a second.

Today, Andy thought fuck it and decided to talk to the guy. His name tag read Noah. If he was going to die, he might as well die knowing that he at least tried to talk to him. It’s not like this was their first interaction. He was able to engage in small talk a few times. Those conversations were all terrible of course. They mostly consisted of Andy bringing a book to the checkout counter, Noah asking the usual “hope you found everything okay” spiel, and asking for his basic information. Andy would often fabricate that Noah would make heavy eye contact with him hoping he would continue the conversation. 

Andy slides up to the counter right in front of him. He felt like he was going to throw up. This guy is going to think he is unsettling. He taps his fingers nervously against the marble countertop. “Hi.”

Noah looks up at him and then smiles brightly, “Hi! How can I help you?”

“Um. Yes.” 

Oh fuck. 

He needed to ask something. “I was wondering where your Sci-fi section was?” 

“Sure! A fan of Sci-fi are we?” Noah says, to be friendly of course.

“Um yes.” Andy couldn’t be more awkward. Say something more, god dammit. 

“Anything in particular you are looking for?” This man is throwing perfect conversation ins for him, if only he’d take it. 

“No.” After a second of panic, “Got any recommendations?” Andy feels like he is going to have a heart attack.

“Got lots of ‘em,” He smiles reassuringly. “Have you read Dune?”

“Uh not yet. I’ve been working on Blade Runner.”

Noah’s eyes light up, “Oh! Great choice. I love that book.”

Andy manages a small smile. “I’ve recently quit my job, so I’m gonna have more time to read.”

Noah nods his head in approval. “Good for you.”

                                     __________________________________

His father’s face ID pops up on his screen and instant panic sets in. A phone call from his parents was never good. It usually involved something that he was failing at. What was he going to tell them? He quit his job and he talked to a guy he’s interested in. He’s screwed.

“Hello?” He says with bated breath.

“Hello. When were you planning on calling? Your mother was beginning to think you disappeared.”

“Sorry! I’ve just been very busy with work and I was planning to call.” 

“You can make time to call us. Also you’re on speaker, so your mother can hear you.”

“Yes.” Andy felt hot in his clothes. Soon he wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.

“Rent is coming up. Do you have a plan to pay your bills? I’m assuming that you do since you haven’t checked in with us.”

“Yes I have rent. I’ve been taking on extra shifts at work.”

“You should really look for another job,” His mother chimes in. “The one you have now is a waste of time.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t be having financial problems if you went to college like we told you to years ago. Should have been a lawyer” His father unhelpfully chimes in.

Andy can feel himself getting annoyed. “Yes, well the job I have now is paying the bills so…”

His father hums. “For now.”

“See this is exactly what I was afraid of when you said you wanted to be a writer.” He can hear the anger slowly rising in his mother’s voice. “Always bouncing back and forth between minimum wage jobs. How are you supposed to support yourself with a retail job? Are you planning on becoming a manager?” 

“No, I am not going to become a manager.” The numb feeling is returning. It buzzes against his brain making his vision foggy.

“Then what are you going to do? You know, your cousin just got her nursing degree and is working towards being a head nurse at the hospital she was recently hired at. Did you know you can attend a trade school to become a nurse? Not exactly a university like we wanted, but at least it’s something.”

Andy can feel that the conversation isn't going anywhere. Nothing was going to change, and when he died, his parents would be surprised and say they didn’t see it coming.

“Look mom, dad. I'm twenty-five years old now. I’m an adult with full and complete awareness about what I have to do. I worry about the future all the time. I worry that I am going to hate the rest of my life. I tried. I really tried. I have never been good enough for you guys. I know. I just couldn’t do school anymore and you guys weren’t willing to listen to me. I’m tired dad. I’m so tired. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m tired of you guys telling me how disappointed you are in me.”

Andy’s hands are shaking and he is sweating profusely. 

“Andrew.” His dad slowly breathes. “You’re only twenty-five. You have plenty of time to figure it out. Your mother and I worry. We are your parents. We will always worry. It’s our job.”

Andy feels like he is going to cry. 

 “And don’t be so dramatic,” His mother continues. “Stop acting like we are so horrible that we don’t listen. If you hate your job, quit and find another one. Stop acting like that's the only option out there. We are always telling you to keep looking for more options.”

“Yes. I will.”

“All we are asking is that you can show us that you can be responsible.” Great,There is that word again. “Also, stop by the house when you have the chance. I know you haven’t had a home cooked meal in weeks.”

“Alright, I will.”

Andy will take his small wins.

                                   __________________________________

Five days passed more quickly than he was anticipating. He remembered when he couldn’t wait for the next vitamin to come. This week felt like it went by so quickly.

Of course, Dan was in their usual meeting spot.

“Back for more?” Dan calls out as Andy approaches him. 

“This will be my last week alive before the last vitamin.”

“Yup. What do you plan on doing in your last week on earth?”

“You know. I hadn’t really thought about it.” Andy sort of chuckles at the concept.

“You look better. You sure you want this one?”

Andy’s mood immediately sombers. “Yup. I got your money ready.” 

“Alright. Well, you know the drill. Take this before bed with a glass of water and then in five days you’ll need the next vitamin. Too early, too late, and the medicine won’t fuckin’ work. Got it?” 

“Loud and clear.”

                                     __________________________________

When Andy got back to his apartment, he was less inclined to follow his routine. He just didn’t see the point. He just wanted to lie in bed. 

One week left. 

It felt heavy.

He thought about the things that he wanted to do. Where he wanted to go. Before it was all over. It’s not like he had any shit to sell. He figures they’ll throw it away or donate it to Goodwill. Maybe he would ask Noah to go with him, just to see if he’d even want to. He probably wasn’t even gay. 

Maybe he would go to the beach or try that ramen shop he never got to eat at cuz he didn’t have friends to even try it with. Why was he so unlikable? Maybe it’s because he is strange and unsettling.

                                     __________________________________

The library was dead. Not many people there, but it wasn’t like there were many to begin with in the morning. Andy decided to go early. 

He was nervous, but he didn’t have anything to lose.

Noah spots him first. “Hey Andy! You’re here early.”

Andy is so nervous he just spits out,“Look I know we don’t really talk much, but I would like to get to know you even if it's for a short while, and I was wondering if you would be down to hang out sometime this week?”

Noah looks surprised. Oh shit. He’s uncomfortable. He’s not interested. Why would he want to hang out with a-

“Um, sure. When and where?”

It’s Andy’s turn to be at a loss for words. “You know… I hadn’t really thought that far yet.”

Noah laughs. “Well let me know so I can call off of work.”

Andy feels a wave of relief. “Yeah sure. Um, I was thinking about the beach actually.”

“Sounds good to me. The weather is supposed to be good on Wednesday, if that works for you?”

“Yeah it does.” Andy grabs his hand and massages it to calm his nerves.

“Just to be clear though. This is a date right?” Noah raises his eyebrows in question. Small smile still on his face.

Dread hits Andy anyway. “Um, no! It doesn’t have to be! Not if it makes you uncomfortable!”

“Well I was kinda hoping it was.”

Andy matches the bright smile on Noah’s face. “Okay then. It’s a date.” 

                                     __________________________________

The beach had a nice breeze and calming sound that was equal parts draining and freeing. Noah had gone to use the restroom, so it gave Andy a few moments to take in the scenery alone. He hadn’t realized what he had been missing out on. He had never been to the beach before. His family never went. He dug his feet into the smoothness of the sand, feeling every granule between his toes. He felt grounded. 

“Lost in thought?” Noah’s voice broke the silence.

Andy laughed, “just a little.”

Noah sits next to Andy and mimics Andy’s feet buried in the sand. 

Andy didn’t think that he would ever be thinking about the future or an imaginary future that he could look forward to. 

Recently, the ugly empty feeling wasn’t always there. It was a void that he didn’t believe would ever be filled, and yet, here he was at the beach with a date and his parents probably didn’t hate him as much as he thought, and maybe one day they would see eye to eye. Maybe they’d like Noah.

And maybe Noah wouldn’t find him strange and unsettling.

Maybe he could hold off on his vitamin fix a little longer.