How to Get Over Your Ex

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When you hear stories about cheating, you never think it will happen to you. You always think you will see the signs or realize right away that your partner is seeing someone else. You also tend to assume that the person you have decided to share your entire life with feels the same way, you know, because you made a commitment to each other. All of the mental preparations you think you make when a boyfriend cheats on you, how you think you will act around him, or how you think you will approach him, will never prepare you for when it actually happens. So here are some things you should do to start your journey to self care.

Step one:

The initial shock will send you into a state of denial. You will gaslight yourself, convince yourself that you misread, but the evidence is solid and right in front of you. The classic text message that appears when your boyfriend leaves the room. Nothing is more anticlimactic and horrifying than finding out your boyfriend has cheated on you than through a text message. One, because there is no room for the dramatics, and two, he is so confident that he can explain away the message that he leaves her contact her real name with a bird and bee emoji. The absolute nerve. 

The good news is, he was in the bathroom when you read this message. First thing you should do is send a text message back. Kelly’s message is so typical. It’s always something stupid like “I miss you bby <3” and “When are you gonna come over?” In this moment, remain calm and respond as if you are him. Say something like “Sorry, but I can’t come over anymore. Consider me dead.” 

After you send this, delete the messages and block her right away. Make sure that your boyfriend remains unsuspecting.

Step two:

Your boyfriend is going to walk back into the living room and sit right next to you on the couch where you were watching TV. The moment he sits down you get up. He’ll look up at you offended and say, “Where are you going baby?” Again. Remain calm. Just say, “Nowhere baby, just to the kitchen. I’m feeling a little hungry.” 

When you are in the kitchen, pull out a cutting board and then grab the biggest knife you own. Inspect it. Sharpen it if you have to. Clean cuts are important when dealing with cheating. 

Test the knife on any fruit you have in your kitchen. Apples are ideal, but anything will do. It will also make you look less suspicious. If he gets aggressive or smart, it will be a problem. 

Step three: 

Take your time. It’s important to remember that you have just learned that he has been cheating on you for a few months now. Who knows with how many other girls or if he’s done it for longer. The receipts for the text thread with Kelly bird and bee emoji was the only one you saw. If you are in too much of a hurry, you will never find out more information. It’s also important that you make him suffer. I know the desire to kill him will be strong, but you need the whole story, and a quick death is too easy.

Step four:

Once you have collected yourself, now it is time to start phase one of your approach. Pull a meat tenderizer from your kitchen drawer and make your way to where your boyfriend is comfortably sitting. It is important to catch him off guard because if he becomes resistant, you may run into some issues. When you hit him with the tenderizer, make sure that it is enough to incapacitate him, but not kill him.

Step five:

He will be screaming in agony, and say something like “Babe, what the hell!?” Make sure to force him to be quiet, so you don’t alert the neighbors. He will continue to resist, but restrain him if you have to. He will call you names and make you sound like the crazy one, but do not listen to him. He is only doing this to evade guilt. Once you have him settled, begin phase two of your approach. Ask him how long he has been seeing other women and be sure to ask him about Kelly. Give him a false sense of security and say something like, “I’ll forgive you if you tell me the truth.” If he can lie to you for several months, then you can lie to him for a moment. It’s about give and take.

Naturally, he will continue to beg for his life and will tell you, “ It meant nothing, she came onto me.”Another lie. You already saw the pathetic dick pics he was sending her. You will have to beat it out of him.

Step Six:

Since there is some resistance, you will have to start phase three of your approach. Start with a finger and break each one until he stops telling lies. For every lie he tells, every finger he loses. He will most likely cave by the second finger. During this phase he will beg for you to spare him. He will promise to never cheat again. This is your opportunity to ask if there are others. Tell him he will lose another finger if he tells you another lie. This will convince him to be truthful. He will tell you “No! She is the only one. It was just her. It was only her for four months.”

Step seven:

Once you have gotten all of the information out of him. You can grab the knife that you prepared in the kitchen and stab him once for each month that he cheated. He will die knowing the pain that you feel. This is an important step in your process of healing. 

Once you start these steps, make sure that you don’t have second thoughts. Just remember all of the time and energy that you spent on this mangled person before you. You can’t have someone who knows every intimate thing about you roaming freely. He had it coming, so no need to feel guilty.