IRONMAN 2.0

I want to tell you a story…There is a man standing at the edge of a massive pit. On the other side of the pit is a monster. Both are holding on to a separate end of a rope.

Man and monster are using all of their energy and strength to pull on the rope in the hopes of drawing the other into the pit, sending them to their certain death. Despite their equal efforts and strength, they are getting nowhere, just wasting precious hours and energy. Finally it dawns on the man he has another option, he can drop the rope and accept a life with the monster.

That monster is anxiety. That man is me. This is me dropping the rope.

For my entire adult life I’ve been fighting mental illness, living with a crippling anxiety. It may not appear that way on the surface, but for every finish line I crossed or career milestone I achieved, there has been a fight to leave the house or irrational thought robbing me of my focus.

It began in college when I couldn’t find the courage to drive out of my campus parking lot. I was worried I might hit something or someone. When I finally did make it on to the road, I would immediately feel the impulse to double back in order to give the parking lot a once over. It wasn’t unusual for me to make multiple return trips to the school before I was able to start my trip home. On occasion I would even go as far as Tarrytown, only to cross back over the Tappan Zee Bridge and return to Rockland. I knew it was foolish, but I couldn’t find the strength to stand up to my fears. No matter how hard I tried to press on, I usually wound up shaking, crying and in the midst of a panic attack.

That wasn’t the day’s only struggle. There were plenty. Sometimes it was a fear of crowds while other times it was refusing to speak to a stranger, no matter the cost.

Eventually it became too much to manage. I knew if I was going to get married or be successful in my career, I needed to make a change. With Bridget’s encouragement and support, I started therapy paired with medication. It made a marked improvement on my well-being and allowed me to begin a new journey with the love of my life.

A year later, in 2008, I found two new loves: running and swimming. Over the next 10 years, I ran, swam and later biked thousands of miles as part a mission towards self-improvement and discovery.

But as time passed and the race medal collection grew, the mental benefits waned and I found myself pulling harder on that rope. The fears and obsessive behavior returned and anxiety attacks were once again the norm.

As she was from the beginning, Bridget was in my corner, this time joined by another force of nature, our daughter Madeline. With their support and encouragement, I began Behavioral Therapy. It has not been easy but it has been both eye opening and rewarding. The biggest lesson I have learned through the work with my therapist has been ACCEPTANCE. Since I was 18, I have been looking for a way to cure my anxiety and get rid of it. I know now that is never going to happen. This is who I am and it’s time for me to live with the monster.

I begin training this week for my next challenge – Ironman Chattanooga on September 29 (Yes, Bridget’s birthday). But unlike past races, it will be a different lead up to the race. I am no longer swimming, biking, or running away from my anxiety, I am swimming, biking and running with my anxiety.

The time has come to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness and the suffering so many deal with on a daily basis.

What better way to do that than by teaching our children, nieces and nephews that there is nothing wrong with people who are diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, bipolar disorder or the myriad of other of mental afflictions. They are not “crazy” and have little to no control of what is happening between the ears.

To help spread awareness and a message of acceptance, I will be raising money during my training cycle for Hearts & Crafts Counseling. The New Jersey based organization, founded by my friend and Ironman mentor Laura Hudson, is a grief counseling center with a mission of helping children, teens and adults going through the bereavement process or dealing with divorce, abuse, anxiety and depression.

Please consider donating to Hearts & Crafts Counseling. I feel helping children learn coping skills and the lesson of acceptance at an early age is a powerful tool in ensuring future generations recognize the weight of mental illness.

Opening up like this is not easy but was something I felt necessary in order to “drop the rope.” It is because of all of your love, friendship and support that I felt confident enough to do so.

Training for a 144.6* mile race takes many hours over many weeks and I look forward to the challenge with a new outlook and a renewed respect for who I am.

Keep that PMA,

Jonathan

*Ironman adds 4 extra miles to the bike leg of the Chattanooga race to make up for the fast river swim.