The Comedy of Jack Quilliard

I figured out Pi.  The last number is two, so you round down. 

I went to San Francisco recently and it cost 10 bucks to get over the bridge.  I thought to myself "This is the only city with a cover charge. They better have a good band."

The only class I ever cheated in was my ethics class, ironic, huh?

In college, I had a physics professor that told all the students 'the only way to get an A in this class is to build a working laser." Boy, was he surprised when... I aired his tires.

You know what is ironic? I had a friend who was disabled by a truck that accidentally dumped a load of wheelchairs on him. Man, that is ironic.

I have a theory that is only so much mass that is only so much mass allowed on this planet, and if someone wants to lose weight, someone has to eat a Twinkie.

I had a goldfish when I was a kid. Its name was Ahab. One day it started eating a lot of food, and not just fish food.  It would eat anything: ham and eggs, fried chicken, eggplant parmesan, anything. So I brought it to the doctor's office, and he told me that he had some bad news and worse news. The bad news was that the fish was dead; the worse news was that it had a tapeworm.

I recently got hungry for Chinese food, so I went to this restaurant called Ti Kwan Do. I asked for the number 2, and the guy behind the counter snap-kicked me in the throat. I am not going there again.

Would it be worse to have heat prostration or a heated prostrate? Ya, that is a tough one.

I come from a dysfunctional family. I remember coming home one time, and my father was sitting at the table throwing back shots of whiskey. I didn't know what he was drinking so I asked, "Daddy, what are you drinking?" He thought for a second, then said, "Ahhh, iced tea." I looked at the shot glass in his hand and asked, "Why are you drinking it one ounce at a time?" He looked at me and said, "Because your mother's a whore!" I replied, "Oh, OK," and went outside to play.

While driving yesterday, I hit a deer. It tried to get away, but I nailed it. I had to drive through someone's backyard and nailed them too. I have both their heads hanging on my wall.

I get pulled over a lot by the police. Probably more than the average. I get pulled over so much that I will actually mock them when they come up to my car window. They don't like this at all. The cop will walk up to my car and say, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" and I will say in a whiny voice, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Then he will look at me for a second and say, "You were speeding." I look at them straight in the eye and say in a mocking tone, "You were speeding too!" The cop will start to shake at this point, then he will say something like, "I am going to give you a ticket," and I will reply in a shrill voice, "I am going to give you a ticket. I got beat up in high school, so I shaved my head and got a gun; I am a big, big man!" They don't like that at all.  Also, never stick your fingers in your ears and chant "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, you can shine your flashlight in my face, I'm not listening to yoooouuu!" One more thing: never order food; they don't like that at all. "Ya, a dozen glazed and two bear claws, come on, I know you got some in your car." That really pisses them off.