God only made a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair.
I used to be an athlete, now all I have is athletes' feet.
Why do crows never get hit by cars in Boston? Because they sit in the road and say “cah, cah, cah”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls.
Why did God invent whiskey? To keep the Irish from ruling the world.
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
(In reference to any dog or owner walking by) That dog is cuter than you are!
On teaching tennis - “Watch the ball, bend your knees-that will be 20 dollars, please.”