How To Catch Fireflies

“How To Catch Fireflies”

By: Gabe

Felix walked into his room that night wanting to die. This wasn't a new feeling for him. He’d wanted to die for a while now. But tonight, the night of his brother's sudden death, he craved it more than ever. If it weren't for him, Jaxxon wouldn't have gone outside. If it weren't for him, Jaxxon wouldn't have been carried away in a van flashing red and blue. If it weren't for him, his father wouldn't be sobbing in the living room, whispering, “Why? Why my little boy?” in his hands. None of this was supposed to happen, but it didn't surprise Felix. It only confirmed what he already believed. That something in him was broken.

He sat on the edge of his bed, hitting and slapping himself. He did this often. He’d start at his legs, slamming his fists onto his thighs until he couldn't feel them anymore, then moving upwards to his chest and finally his face. Some nights, he would hit himself so hard that he would get dizzy and pass out from the pain. Those nights were his favorite. It sent him into a slumber where nothing mattered, where he couldn't hurt anyone or ruin anything. When he’d wake up, all he could think about was how badly he wished he could go back into that slumber. 

A knock on his bedroom door shook Felix out of his violent trance. It creaked slightly, a shadow peeking

through the slit of light between the wall and the door. 

“Hey, kid, can I come in?” His older sister, Lilith, asked, her voice thick with grief. 

Felix could tell she had just been crying, the shakiness of her words giving it away instantly. He let out a light whine, signaling it was okay for her to enter. The door opened further, revealing her face and confirming Felix’s theory. She sat down beside him, her gaze angled to the floor, examining his reddened face through her peripheral vision.

“You’ve been hurting yourself again, haven’t you?” She asked, her tone trembling.

Felix didn’t respond, sitting motionless and watching tree branches bob outside his window. This wasn’t the first time Lilith had caught him, that being when he had been diagnosed with Asperger’s, and all Felix heard during the appointment was how broken he was. Before he showered that night, he looked into the mirror that completely covered the west wall. Staring at his body for that long sent him into a fit of rage and embarrassment so visceral that he could feel it climbing up his body like a scorching heat. That was one of the nights he passed out. 

She wrapped her arm around Felix’s shoulders, looking at him to get his attention.

“It’s not your fault,” She said. “Don’t put this on yourself.”

Felix’s eyes remained locked on the window, his hands shaking, begging him to continue his violent frenzy. 

“I just wanted him to see the fireflies,” He stuttered. “I didn’t mean for him to get worked up; he just ran off, and I lost him and–”

His words trailed off, melding into a burst of tears. He gripped his face, refusing to let Lilith see him like this.

She slowly rubbed his back with one hand, wiping her eyes with the other. 

“It’s not your fault, Felix,” She replied, choking on her words. “You were just trying to do something that would make him happy. You were the best brother he could ever ask for. He told me that himself, you know?”

Felix finally looked up at Lilith, his eyes red and pooling with tears.

“Really? H-he said that?” He asked, his voice thin.

Lilith smiled, now unable to stop the watery streams running down her cheeks.

“Yes. And I couldn't agree more.” 

Lilith held Felix tight that night, humming a tune into his ear until they drifted off to sleep.

Music class had always been Felix’s favorite. Sitting on the hardwood floor and strumming a guitar calmed his mind in a way he couldn't describe. He often wrote songs, recording them and later playing them back for his father, who taught him how to play. They weren't anything remarkable to Felix, but his father was sure each one deserved a Grammy. However, today, a few days after Jaxxon was taken away, Felix struggled to find the feeling music used to give him. He’d spent the entire weekend in bed, skipping meals and showers. The last thing he wanted to do was return to school.

His disheveled appearance immediately drew attention when he walked into the cafeteria. As he wandered, searching for an open seat, a group of boys from across the room set their sights on him. Felix was a frequent target for these bullies; his lack of friends made him an easy mark. And with his sister across campus with the upperclassmen, there was no one around to defend him. Their leader, Andy, looked at him with a grin that promised trouble. 

“Damn, you look like a bum!” He shouted, grabbing an apple from his tray. “Heads up!”

The apple struck Felix in the eye, sending him and his food crashing down onto the floor. As laughter erupted through the room, that familiar heat began to rise in him, crawling from his chest and up his throat. His ears rang as his vision narrowed. 

The next thing he knew, Andy was on the ground beneath him.

Felix’s fist came down on Andy’s face repeatedly, his cries barely cutting through the storm in Felix’s head. Everything blurred. For a brief moment, nothing mattered– not the laughs, not the faces, not the shouting. It all sank in the back of his mind until hands grabbed his arms and tore him away.

What felt like hours passed in seconds. Lunch ladies held the boys by their arms, their faces etched in worry. Students stared, wide-eyed and whispering to one another. Felix locked eyes with Andy, whose face still burned with hatred despite the blood on his face and already forming bruises.

“Freak!” He screamed, pointing his finger like a weapon. “You’re a monster!”

A teacher hurried Andy to the nurse’s office. Felix, on the other hand, was taken in the opposite direction, down the hallway, and seated in the principal’s office. 

It wasn't until his Father arrived at the school to pick him up that he began to regret what he had done. Felix sat silently in the passenger seat, his brain replaying the fight like a sports highlight. He could still hear the boy’s screams, and phantom remnants of his attempts to fight him off still lingered on his legs and chest. The side-view mirror gave him one last surprise: a black bruise on his left eye. His Father stared, cold-faced, through the windshield, clearly focused on something in his mind. For a moment, Felix thought he was going to scream at him and call him a curse to the family. After all, he wouldn’t be wrong. But before he could finish theorizing, his father finally spoke while they were stopped at an intersection.

“Your sister and I are putting together plans for Jaxxon’s funeral,” he muttered. “I’d like you to sing something, one of those songs you wrote for him.”

“Oh,” was the only response Felix could muster. He’d only written one song for Jaxxon titled “How to Catch Fireflies”. Before the accident, he wrote the song to teach Jaxxon the proper way to catch fireflies. However, he never got the chance to finish it, shelving the song right after Jaxxon died. 

“When we get in the house, meet me in the kitchen,” His Father said. “I’ve got something for your eye.”  

The forest darkness calls to you, like a dog to a whistle

They’ve flown in again, to bathe under the drizzle

This is your time, your turn in the light

To reach out your hand and catch a firefly

The words of a happier boy sat frozen in time on the crumpled sheet of notebook paper. It took everything in him to simply look for the paper, let alone gain the courage to read what was on it. Water from his ice pack dripped onto the page as he stared at it. The space around him dissolved, transporting him to the night he wrote it. Jaxxon sat below him on the floor, criss-crossed and swaying to the beat of his excitement. Every chord Felix strummed, every note he sang made Jaxxon’s little eyes light up in a way only he could. 

“And that’s all I got so far,” He told him, setting the guitar beside him. Jaxxon frowned.

“Awwww, but it was so short!” He whined. 

“I told you it wasn’t finished,” Felix laughed. “Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to hear it when it’s done.”

 It was then that Felix took a glance out his window. A speck of gold flew in and out of sight, another one, and another. The timing couldn't be more perfect. 

“They're out!” Felix shouted, startling his little brother. “The fireflies! They’re outside!”

Jaxxon jumped off the floor and scurried to the window, Felix following suit. Jaxxon could barely contain himself, frantically shaking every part of his body as he stared through the glass.

“Can we go?” He pleaded, tugging Felix’s pants. “Please, please, please? I wanna catch one!”

This was the first time the fireflies had come out since Jaxxon was born. After five long years, there was no denying that Felix wanted to catch one as well. 

“Go get your coat!” He smiled, ruffling Jaxxon’s hair. He quickly vanished into the hallway.

They ran down the stairs and into the living room, where Lilith sat on the couch, folding clothes while an audiobook played through her speaker. 

“Where are you two going?” She asked, head tilted. “It’s almost bedtime.”
“I’m gonna catch a firefly!” Jaxxon squealed, excitement coursing through his veins.

Lilith shot Felix a look that translated to: “Do you have his inhaler?” Felix nodded in response, pulling it out of his pocket to prove his case. 

“Be careful, okay?” was the last thing she said before they walked out into the night.

Felix emerged from his daydream with a sharp exhale. He was still on the edge of his bed, the lyrics to his song laid out in front of him. Only this time, he couldn't bear to look at them anymore. He grabbed the sheet of paper, crushing it into an even tinier ball than before, and threw it across the room. He didn't deserve to be at Jaxxon’s funeral. He didn’t deserve to be anywhere. The inhaler was in his pocket the entire time. If he had been paying attention, he would not have lost sight of Jaxxon, and he could've saved him. If he had controlled his anger, he wouldn't have fought that boy at school and made him bleed. It was all his fault. 

He could feel the heat coming again. But now, it was a raging blaze. It started in his face, then quickly spread down his throat and to his chest. It swallowed everything in its wake, leaving what was left of him burning under the inferno. Then, he started hitting himself. His head got it first this time, harder than ever. Tears pooled in his eyelids, clouding his vision. Each strike to his face felt like scratching an itch, appeasing something inside him that was convinced he needed it. This was his punishment. He deserved this.

Felix walked into the bathroom that day wanting to die. And this time he was going to do it. He made up his mind when he looked in the mirror and saw no one looking back at him. Just the body of a broken boy. The body of a monster. On the sink in front of him, something caught his eye: Lilith’s pair of hair shears. He fidgeted with them as he made his way to the bathtub, closing the shower curtain behind him. Before he could think about it, the sharp edge of the shears was gliding across his forearm. As blood oozed out of the messy incision, Felix felt a wave of relief. This was what he needed. His vision darkened as he made another cut. 

He could see the forest, bathed in the fireflies’ golden glow. Jaxxon giggled as he ran around, trying to grab one in his hands. This was Felix’s favorite pastime as a kid. Lilith had taught him first, and he couldn't be more excited to teach Jaxxon. Though he was a little rusty, Felix set his sights on a firefly and attempted his old technique. He cupped his hands below the insect, slowly creeping behind as it fluttered. Laser-focused, he watched as it drifted before finally closing his grasp around it, sealing the light between his fingers. Something about holding the bug in his hands made him feel warm inside. But that warmth quickly faded when he went to show Jaxxon. He was gone. 

“Jax?” He shouted into the darkness, panic already setting in. 

He weaved through the trees, calling Jaxxon’s name louder and louder every time. He could feel that familiar heat coming over him, embers bouncing from one part of his body to another, not stopping until his entire body was engulfed in flames. That’s when he found him, knee deep in the woods, far from the firefly hoard. His body sat still, leaning against a tree.

The pain in his head was throbbing now, getting worse after every cut. The sight of his brother’s body, the look on his sister’s face when she saw what he did, the sound of his father crying, it all haunted him, eating away at his mind and fueling his urge to go deeper. 

Then, there was a knock at the door. Felix froze, struggling to listen over the sound of his racing heart. 

“Felix?” The sound of his sister called from the other side. “I heard about what happened at school. Are you okay?”

Something in Lilith’s voice woke him up, releasing him from the heat’s vicious rage. But now, he could see the horrors around him. He was covered in blood and tears, the smell of both mixing in his nostrils. As he stared down at the mess he had made, all he could manage to do was cry. 

“Lily, I’m sorry!” His wailing broke through the silence, echoing off the ceramic walls.

Lilith was through the door in seconds, pulling away the shower curtain to reveal her brother’s grisly state. Her hands shot to her mouth as she kneeled next to the bathtub, her eyes misting over. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Felix cried through tears. “It’s my fault, I killed him! I left him alone when I shouldn't have! I had his inhaler, I could've saved him!”

“Felix, you're bleeding!” Lilith choked, pulling him out of the bathtub and onto the floor. The tears streamed even quicker when she examined his arms. 

“Oh my god, Felix, what happened? Why did you do this to yourself?”

“I don’t know what's wrong with me!” He sobbed, gripping his head. “I’m a monster! I killed my own brother, and today I almost killed a kid at school! All I do is bring pain to everyone else! I’m so sorry-”

Before he could finish, he was tightly wrapped in his sister’s arms. He returned her grip, holding onto her like a lifeline as his tears dripped onto her neck. 

“You have no idea how much I love you,” Lilith whispered. She pulled away from the hug and looked into Felix’s watery eyes.

“None of this is your fault. Jaxxon had a severe condition beyond our control. He struggled with it every single day. Dad and I spent so much of his toddler years up past midnight, giving him breathing treatments so that he could sleep soundly. He lived a lot of his life in hospitals with masks over his face. And yet, that never seemed to get him down. Y’know why? Because of you. 

“No matter what happened, you were always there to cheer him up. I remember how much you wanted a little brother when you were little, so you probably didn't realize it, but you were saving his life every day. Whether you were singing songs to him, playing superheroes, or telling scary stories outside in the tent, there was always a smile on Jaxxon’s face when he was with you. And he seemed to have the same effect on you, too.”

Felix’s eyes welled up again, his cries softer than before. Lilith pulled him back in, holding his head tightly to her chest. It was then that she began to hum that same tune she hummed only a few nights ago. She hadnt realized Felix stopped crying until after she finished.

“You don’t think I’m a monster?” He muttered, looking up at her.

Lilith smiled. “You’re not a monster, Felix. You’re human.”

She cupped his face and gently pressed her lips to his forehead. 

“I love you so much, buddy,” She said. “You’ve done nothing to change that.”

After cleaning and wrapping his wounds, Lilith guided Felix downstairs, where they cuddled under a blanket and watched TV until their father came home from work later that night. Felix could confidently say his father has never held him tighter.

The sky was gold on the day of the funeral. After a hectic 15 minutes of struggling with his tie before finally getting help from his father, Felix and his family got into the car and hit the road. The church was bustling with people Felix hadn't seen in years. As they all sat down, the priest took the podium, pushing up his glasses. Beneath him was the casket, covered in various flowers, candles, and photos of his little brother. Felix sat between his father and sister, anxiously squeezing their hands. He finished writing Jaxxon’s song the night before and was about to play it in front of everyone. Though he was terrified, he knew this was what he needed. For the past two weeks, all he could think about was Jaxxon’s death. But only now was he realizing how great it felt to be his big brother. Now Jaxxon could finally hear the rest of his song.

The priest waved his arm in Felix’s direction, beckoning him to the podium. As he walked up, he caught a glimpse of one of the photos on the casket. It was a family photo, all four of them at the zoo. Jaxxon had just lost his tiger toy, and Felix bought him a new one with his leftover allowance. They were all posed in front of the real tigers, Jaxxon’s face beaming with joy. Felix turned to face the crowd. He caught the eye of Lilith, who shot him a look that translated to: “You can do this”. He nodded in response. And after wiping away a tear, he sat down in front of the podium and began to sing. 

Thank you so much for reading!!! I really hope you loved this story and its characters as much as I do. There's plenty more where this came from :)

-gabe (aka whaadle)