she's crazy

Photographs can evoke many emotions, this specific portrait I have chosen is immense and suggests I am overwhelmed in an almost dark space. For some reason, in my everyday life, something always makes me want to scream. Whether it’s caused by something exciting that happened, my family, my friends, or even something at my job, it never fails to happen. I just get these random bursts of energy I feel the need to express. I often struggle to find ways to express myself, usually, it comes in bursts, like a scream, a groan, nervous giggling, or even crying. If I am quiet automatically assume something is wrong because it is highly unlike me to just keep to myself. Personally I like to be very blunt with people, I prefer to be honest rather than to lie to someones face. Even on my social media accounts I post whatever I want, because deep down to me whoever follows me already knows who I am and what I look like. However, seldom would I post something angry or sad, because its not like me. I prefer that everyone sees me as a radiating positive energy, rather than someone who complains at the first sign of complication. Everyday people get so caught up with the idea of being liked, they begin to show an artificial side of them. Only telling half-truths, or telling the person what they think they want to hear.

When I meet someone for the first time, I try to make a grand effort to give them something to remember, whether it is something weird I said, something I did, or even a weird face that I made. One of my favorite things is meeting new people, I enjoy talking, just as much as I enjoy listening, I like learning new things from people because it expands my mind, giving me another point of view to consider. I honestly do not ever take life seriously, I like to fly by the seat of my pants, and enjoy life as it comes to me. I like to say I do what I want-- when I want, and I am not going to let anyone get into my way. I never like to second guess myself, and I like to make the most of even the worst situations. My dream is to one day become a pilot, and my goal is to visit every country in the world at least one time. To me, no matter how hard life may seem to get there's always a reason to keep going, and most definitely there is a way around it. Of course, I like to get things done in an orderly fashion, due to my undiagnosed OCD and ADHD, making things easy/hard for me. Currently, I am working three jobs while going to school, so I feel this photo expresses my recent feelings to life. Specifically, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed, to the point where I just want to scream so I can let it all go. Although I would not say I am in a specifically dark place, I wanted a darker gray backdrop and nothing around me. This was specifically to point out the fact that I have almost run out of outlets, and am left in solitude, screaming for help. Being the loving person I am, people often times see that as a weakness and try to take advantage of me. One of my biggest problems is the fact that I do not know how to say no. This is the cause to most of my problems, I have to do everything for everyone else, and I rarely have any time to do anything just for me. This dark back drop also relates to the negative thoughts that are constantly around me. Having some history with mental health problems such as depression, makes staying positive hard, and it often leaves me in the dark. Not many people understand the struggle of one's own head, so it's hard for me to open up to people about my problems. But not only because of this, but also the fact I do not want to burden any one else with my problems. Chances are I caused them, and hopefully I will be able to figure them out. Essayist and novelist, Susan Sontag, has a very interesting style in her piece, “On Photography, in Plato’s Cave,” making the statement that “Photographs really are experience captured, and the camera is the ideal arm of consciousness.” I believe this to be true because every time I take a photo I try to capture my exact feeling at that moment. Each time a photograph is captured, the photographer is able to exemplify these innate characteristics.

In my opinion, the rawer something is, the more imperfections come to light. Allowing the photographer to take a picture showing a glimpse of their true selves. Maybe you just want to express yourself to you. I find photography to be a great release, to the fact I love to express my emotions through photos and art, evoking my specific emotions based on my own current personal experiences. The self-portrait, whether it is a carefully composed study or created in a hurry, usually has more decisions that could not be easily erased. On the other hand, a selfie is more disposable. Later on in her passage, Sontag continues to say, “Photographs alter and enlarge our notions of what is worth looking at and what we have the right to observe.” When you are the one taking the photo, you hold all of the power. You can express yourself in a manner that you choose, because, in reality, no one will ever know the true story. Because of this, people oftentimes display themselves as superficial, focusing mainly on outer appearances.

Typically people only choose to share photos they deem acceptable for others to see. With the goal to portray themselves how they wish others would see them. For example, they would mask the aspects of their lives that do not mirror the image they wish to show. Often times they appear to social and happy instead of honest and crude. Although it is important to remember these images are shared as part of a conversation and are only a series of contextual interactions. Unlike the traditional self-portrait, the love of being liked plays a key role for those who snap, enhance, and upload to get attention. However, this exact idea can be seen throughout history. It may seem to be crazy to compare famous painters like Warhol, Dürer, Rembrandt, Van Gogh or any other self-portrait master to that of a selfie snapper is ridiculous; however, the goal is the same in both: the art of self-representation. Going back to before the 15th century many of the normal townspeople, as well as the royals, had many self-portraits done. Often times showing off their extreme wigs, makeup, their finest clothes and jewelry, and also their prized possessions all around them, as a symbol of wealth and social status. Obviously with the thought in mind that when people were to see the portrait, they would be more liked, or seen as better.

Each photo I have chosen has allowed me to portray different sides of me. In the selfie, I portray myself in a manner unlike my self-portrait; I am calm, cool and collected. I chose to take a simple photo with my new cat and I, with the post of very basic kiss lips. To me, in all honesty, this photo is extremely simple and inexpressive as I have chosen to conceal everything else about myself. Although I did include my cat, you honestly would not think anything else about me. You would fail to recognize that this is indeed my new kitten Spooky, and that I had rescued her from a field by my house because her mom had gotten sick.

In this photo alone you fail to see who I am, what I think, or what I go through on a daily. Though I can be captivating and alluring, I have not tapped into that side of myself into this photo. At the same time, I believe selfies are intimate because they represent a personal experience that is also social, taken for the sole purpose of sharing. This gives selfies a level of self-conscious authenticity that is different from even a candid photograph—they are more raw, allowing more room for imperfections to be seen.

I choose to use an application called HUJI that puts a filter on the photo depending on the contrasts of light in the room, to show the artificiality of the photo. The app's camera, which blurs out most of the imperfections on my face, including my natural face blemishes, scars, and freckles as well. I obviously am not perfect, however, I enjoy the idea of sharing a photo of my new kitten with the general public. Putting groups of photographs into a general circulation stimulates the brain, making people feel more confident, but at the same time, people conform to specific trends or using the same filters as others. Plato’s The Republic has a short excerpt to emphasize how our perception ultimately defines our reality. The prisoners are able to see shadows and hear a mumble behind, however, their imaginations make up the rest of what they see to be true. Similar to social media when people put up photos, we are like the prisoner’s seeing the shadow on the cave, we are able to see partially what may be true, however, our imagination and friends' opinions help us make up the rest. Like these prisoners, those who also view my selfies are also deceived by this shadow I have put up of myself. Just like the vague images cast on the cave walls, my selfie poorly exemplifies who I am. Where on the contrary I would exemplify myself to family and friends, as someone a little crazy, at the same time motivated, very tenacious, and responsible. Whereas on social media I would show myself as sociable, confident, and very fun in order to try and get people to like me more.

For me personally I do not use social media as an outlet to be liked, or to be seen as liked. Rather I use it for self expression. However, I feel like most social media influences such as the entire Kardashian family, many other famous celebrities, as well as professional athletes, make people want to make it seem like they are living lavishly too. They see many of these people posting photos in their thousand dollar dresses, shoes, accessories and million dollar cars. Making the average person seem dull, or poor. People now a days try so hard to make it seem like they are living some extravagant life, eating fancy dinners, or wearing fancy clothes. These materialistic objects are the exact masks people use in society to be liked more.