Develop healthier and better relationships today! Experience improved relationship fulfillment and unlock the best strategy for secure attachment styles in your relationships. Do you want to develop better and healthier relationships with your loved ones? Would you like to understand yourself better and be more satisfied with your life? Are you looking to break free from being avoidant and start opening up more to create long-lasting and fulfilling relationships? Then this book was made just for you.
In psychology, attachment theory explains adult relationships through the lens of parent-child relationships. According to this theory, we develop attachment patterns with parents and caregivers in early childhood that influence how we relate to others as adults. Your attachment styles can also determine the type of person you gravitate to in relationships, since you are looking to have your needs met in a certain way. This can sometimes result in destructive relationships if partners are unable to have their needs met in the way they prefer.
Healing Your Attachment Wounds Pdf Free Download
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Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships.
Have you found that your relationship history is filled with one wound-triggering issue after the other? Do your attachment issues keep you from getting close to your partner? Do your partner's attachment issues keep you from getting inside those defensive walls? If so, you're not alone. Here's how you can understand and actually heal your attachment issues in your relationships.
Attachment issues, also called attachment wounds, are challenges that a person has with forming secure attachments in relationships, sometimes referred to as your attachment style. Your attachment style is your mind's template for how safe you are in a relationship.
Your attachment wounds are exposed in intimate relationships where vulnerability, trust, and safety are most vital. That's why someone you really care about can deeply trigger your wounds; someone you know peripherally simply doesn't get close enough to know or activate your wounds.
To understand your attachment issues, it's important to first understand what your attachment style is. Some people have a well-defined attachment style, and some have a blend of styles. It's common for people to see themselves in more than one attachment, yet one style may feel stronger than the others. It's perfectly acceptable to create a "blended" attachment description to reflect who you are right now. For example, you might feel that your style feels 80% secure attachment and 20% anxious attachment. The goal is to increase your personal awareness rather than to simply label yourself or your partner.
As ideal as this sounds, even people with a secure attachment style can get triggered now and again. When two securely attached people are in a relationship, ruptures happen infrequently and are often healed smoothly. However, if one securely attached person partners with someone who is not securely attached, ongoing issues can surely arise. So, if you're a securely attached person in relationship with an insecurely attached person, your overall work is to stay steady and hold your "secure attachment ground."
A person's "worst" attachment issues tend to get triggered during times of stress, so there may be many occasions when unhealthy behaviors related to attachment wounds are more stable. On the other hand, some attachment styles tend to be toxic to each other because attachment wounds are exacerbated by "opposing" wounds. For example, a person with an anxious need to attach and connect will likely be highly triggered by a partner with an avoidant attachment style that is oriented toward pushing others away. Although healing is possible in any conscious relationship, there are certain mixes that make attachment wound healing far more challenging.
The good news is, you can change your attachment style. If you don't have a secure attachment style, you can surely do self-work to shift into healthier relationship dynamics. And, if you're in a relationship, profound positive shifts can occur when both partners consciously invest in healing their attachment wounds.
Whether you take several attachment style quizzes online, work with a psychotherapist, or invest in reading about attachment, become nonjudgmentally familiar with your attachment style. If you have more of a blended style of attachment, focus on which elements of each style seem to be most "you." Being aware of your attachment style is one of the biggest keys to healing your attachment wounds.
Whether or not your partner is interested in self-work, it's important for you to understand how your partner's attachment style affects you and your relationship. If your partner is interested in diving into this area, you can definitely engage in mindful, co-healing work. If your partner isn't interested in self-development, just knowing your partner's attachment style can help you be more aware and understanding when relationship challenges arise.
Self-reflective journaling can be one of the most powerful self-growth tools. It's important to be compassionate and nonjudgmental as you work. Set aside time to journal about 10 upsides of your attachment style. Take a break, and then focus on 10 downsides of your attachment style. For example, a person with a dismissive-avoidant style may journal and realize that one upside is feeling self-sufficient. Later journaling may reveal that one downside to the dismissive-avoidant style is the tendency to feel isolated.
Get to notice when your attachment wounds get triggered. Keep a journal where you can make nonjudgmental notes about attachment issues. If you're currently in a relationship, just make simple, noncritical notes when you feel triggered. If you're not in a relationship, you can make notes about old relationship patterns.
For example, you might notice a theme of feeling triggered when your partner does not show you enough attention; this would tell you that one of your core wounds is not receiving sufficient, loving connection. As another example, you might realize that you often criticize your partner and set off conflicts; this might tell you that one of your core wounds is not knowing how to connect in loving, intimate ways. The goal is to compassionately identify your wounds to increase your self-awareness.
Investigate your attachment wounds through journaling. You may be able to trace each wound back to a specific incident or pattern in childhood. Explore each wound's theme through journaling about how the wound affected you in childhood. Then progress to journaling about how these patterns manifest in your current relationship or prior romantic relationships. As always, take a compassionate, nonjudgmental approach that supports personal growth.
This increased awareness will help you to appreciate your wounds and share them with your partner. For example, you may recall that one or both of your parents were rarely attentive and often distracted with work issues. You may then realize that your partner's habit of multitasking during discussions makes you feel ignored and rejected. This connection will help you appreciate that it's important for you to have a partner who is willing to give you focused, considerate attention.
As you explore your wounds, you'll come to realize that you can become empowered by acknowledging and stating your needs. Rather than getting reactive or shutting down, you can state your needs to your partner in clear, healthy ways. By using "I" messages and communicating clearly, your partner will become more aware of your wounds and your needs.
For example, you might say to a partner, "I feel hurt when you multitask while I'm talking to you. I feel loved and connected when you focus on me during our conversations." This clear and mindful "I-feel-I-need" template gives your partner the opportunity to care for your attachment wounds intentionally in the present moment.
Ideally, your partner understands the importance of your request and works diligently to meet your needs; the more your partner attends to your wounds in this conscientious, caring way, the closer you both will feel. And when you treat your partner in this same caring, intentional way, your partner's wounds will also heal.
Sometimes, however, partners don't respond in healthy ways and may even purposefully provoke wounds. As well, even well-intentioned partners unconsciously revert to old habits. If a partner triggers an old wound even after you've explained the issue, it's important to restate your needs and hold your boundaries. Sadly, there are times that a partner won't want to engage in new, healthy dynamics; in such cases, it's often wise to move forward with self-love. e24fc04721
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