What all Indian boys should know before they get married?
According to the Indian culture, marriage “was” an auspicious sacramental union of a male and a female under divine witness represented by the spiritual element “Agni” (Fire). In this celestial union, husband “was” regarded as the Pati Parmeshwar (Husband, The Supreme God) by his wife while she “was” deemed as the Graha Lakshmi (The Home Goddess of prosperity, good luck and beauty) by her husband. Satapatha Brahmana describes a divine relationship between husband and wife where husband is considered as the truth and the mind whereas wife as the faith and the speech. Just as the truth and faith goes together and mind and speech are inseparable, likewise the relationship between married couples was indissoluble and irrevocable. In line with this concept, Hindu marriage “was” primarily based upon spirituality and “was” deemed necessary for the creation of “superior progeny” filled with spirit introduced by the law of divine that regulates and supervises the destiny of the world. It was believed that the institution of marriage was vital for the “continuity and development of religion and society” together with the realization of the values of life, regulating sexual relations and determining the relationship of a child to the family. The concept of “Kanyadana” (gift of the bride) derived from the Brahma form of marriage as depicted in Rigveda has always been an essential part of Hindu marriage. According to this concept, a bride properly bedecked with ornaments was gifted (danam) by the father to a suitable bridegroom with proper religious rites along with the presents that he could conveniently give on account of natural affection. The daughters were believed to be “praya dhan” (someone’s wealth) and hence after “danam” they were supposed to leave their parental house forever and live in their husband’s house till the last breath of their life. Once the “danam” was accomplished, it was considered immoral to procure it back again and therefore based upon this philosophy, once a daughter was married, she was not supposed to return back to her father’s home for permanent residency. The lyrics “फसलें जो काटी जाएँ उगती नहीं हैं, बेटियाँ जो ब्याही जाएँ मुड़ती नहीं हैं” of a heart touching song “Dilbaro” from a recent Bollywood movie “Raazi”, beautifully narrates the above fact.
Now with the “westernization” of Indian society which is often termed as “modernization”, the invasion of the ideologies of feminism amid modern women empowerment has tremendously altered the Indian belief and value system. To know more about the historical origin and objectives of the western ideology of “feminism” and its influence on Indian society, readers may refer to the article ‘Smash The Patriarchy’ [1]. Recently, CJI Arun Mishra while pronouncing the judgement in favor of women’s equal property rights under amended Hindu Succession Act, stated that, “A daughter is always a loving daughter for the rest of their life. A son is a son till he is married” [2]. Contradictory to these statements, very surprisingly the ancient sacrament of “Kanyadana” (gift of the bride) is still practiced as an essential part of all Hindu marriages however, the daughters are no more considered as “praya dhan” even after the sacrament of “Kanyadana”. The fact that “A son is a son till he is married” is indeed a bitter truth of Indian society as today most parents are evicting their sons to avoid imprisonment amid false dowry harassment and domestic violence cases by their daughter-in-laws [3]. If the husband and his family members deny to obey or disagree with the wife or her parent’s illegitimate desires, the husband and his family members are then blackmailed, harassed and tortured in the name of several stringent anti-man laws such as 498A, DV, CRPC 125,……..etc. Backed by these rigorous women centric gender biased laws, a daughter-in-law often tries hard to “tame” her husband and in-laws. After making several attempts, if she finds herself unsuccessful, she then files false dowry harassment, domestic violence and maintenance cases against her husband and in-laws. This is the major cause of groom suicide in India which is often counted under family problems and marriage related issues in the NCRB data [4]. In fact, in almost all such cases, the family members of the daughter-in-law guide her in destroying her own family as they keep themselves always ready to heartedly provide her a place in their house amid the fact that “A daughter is always a loving daughter for the rest of their life”. Today the parents do not hesitate to break their daughter’s family as they intend to receive a hefty amount of money from their son-in law in the form of maintenance and alimony to their daughter. Undoubtedly, we are living in an era of Kali Yuga where the lyrics “कैसा कन्यादान पिता ही, कन्या का धन खायेगा, रामचंद्र कह गए सिया से ऐसा कलजुग आएगा” of a very famous bhajan by Mahendra Kapoor holds perfectly true. As per the amended Hindu Succession Act, now a daughter is a coparcener since birth, and has been given the same rights and liabilities as a son. Therefore it is expected that more married daughters would be returning back to their parent’s house to serve them while claiming maintenance from their husbands. Additionally, it is highly likely that now neither the parents nor the sons of the family will let their daughters/ sisters get married and leave their house as this would inhibit the daughters from performing their duties to serve their parents like the sons do. Moreover, the existing brothers-sisters relationships will also suffer great resentment in those families where the daughters would claim their share in property without serving their parents as they have already got married and moved to their husband’s house.
In India, feminism has well replaced the Indian concept of “Pati Parmeshwar” with that of the western ideology of “Tame the Husband”. Today, once an Indian man gets married according to the Hindu tradition, he becomes a legalized slave of his wife and in-laws. In fact, before marriage most Indian men are unaware of these stringent anti-man laws that considers a married man an inherited criminal who is forced to spend the rest of his life at the mercy of his wife and in-laws. After a man gets married, he is left with two choices, either to accept or deny the slavery. No matter what he chooses he is the ultimate loser. If he chooses to spend the rest of his life in an abusive relationship, he loses his dignity and mental peace; if he decides to come out of it, he loses the most part of his wealth in paying maintenance and alimony to his wife. As unlike the west, there is no concept of prenuptial agreement in the Indian legal system while the entire liability of the wife and the children lies solely on the shoulders of the husband considering him as their master. Therefore, in case of divorce a man is prone to lose the most part of his hard earned money, property and even the kids. According to the recently published article in a local newspaper, the Supreme Court of India advised an Indian air force officer (who was fighting false accusations by his wife) to obey his wife without arguments even if he finds her statements illogical. The court further stated that a man must be prepared to face the consequences if he disobeys his wife. Indeed the law provides special power to Indian daughter-in-laws to file police complaints related to domestic violence and dowry harassment against her husband and in-laws at any time she likes even without any proof. In contrast, if a son-in-law tries to file domestic violence or harassment complaints against his wife and in-laws then his complaints are intentionally overlooked by the police due to the lack of special protection laws for husbands. Certainly, the women centric gender biased legal system has rendered the husband as a legalized slave to his wife (जोरू का गुलाम). This is well in accordance with the western ideology of feminism where husbands are often compared with dogs and their taming and training is largely practiced. A vast literature related to this ideology is available on the internet. For instance:
McKinzie LVT, Mallary in her book “How to Train a Husband: A Vet Tech's Guide to Love and Marriage, writes “it’s true that men are dogs”, “Our men and our dogs can both be loyal, loving, and well behaved if we provide proper training” [5].
Ken Phillips in her book “How to Tame Your Husband: Intergender Victories for the Ladies” describes how to humble, humiliate and dominate men. She states that “Once a trained, powerful lady wraps her legs around a man’s ribs or head, he’s in deep, deep trouble”, “One SHE has beaten HE, the fun truly begins” [6].
Gayana Sarkrisova, an author at Elite Daily refrains from calling all men as dogs rather “she suggests several necessary measures that every women needs to take to train her mutt into a pure bred” [7].
No doubt, due to such weird customs, western countries have witnessed the highest divorce rate leading to fatherless societies with large numbers of children living with single mothers [8, 9]. In these societies, children who grow up in cohabiting households (one parent and their girlfriend or boyfriend) often suffer from physical and mental health problems. Such children are diagnosed with elevated stress hormones that interfere with their social and emotional development. Children raised by single mothers are more likely to be on ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) medication and require professional treatment to deal with behavior problems [10, 11]. These children (especially the sons) suffer from learning disabilities and are less likely to attend college. As adults, the daughters who grew up with single parents are more liable to develop mental health problems and engage in early sexual behaviors thus becoming teen mothers [12, 13]. Children of single parents also possess a high probability to engage in drug addiction. From 1993 through 2003, the global use of ADHD medications rose by three-fold whereas the global spending (U.S. $2.4 billion in 2003) rose by nine-fold [14]. The United States, Canada, and Australia showed significantly higher than predicted use of ADHD medications. Although the US accounts for <5% of the world’s population, it has 83.1% of the global volume of ADHD medication [15]. In 2011 ADHD increased to 11.0% of US children of which two-thirds received pharmacotherapy [16]. This was an almost 41% increase relative to the prevalence in 2003 [17]. As per the latest US national parent survey 2016, as many as 6.1 million children aged between 2-17 years were diagnosed with ADHD [18].
In India when a man gets married to a woman, the woman gets the lifelong permit to reside in the fully furnished house of the man while without contributing anything to it. These days apart from sex, a wife has nothing to offer while all the liabilities lies on the shoulders of the husband and in case of any matrimonial dispute he is the husband who loses his kids, the wealth, the property, and in several cases his life as well. Marriage is no more a spiritual relationship but a legal permit for a woman to “tame” her husband and in-laws amid gender biased anti-man laws. A husband is no longer considered as “Pati Parmeshwar” but “The Wife’s Slave” (जोरू का गुलाम). Since giving and taking “dowry” is illegal but seeking “maintenance and alimony” is the legal right of wife, this makes marriage an easy money making business for some wicked women and their parents, by virtue of which they make handsome money in the form of maintenance and alimony without making any significant investment. For the women centric gender biased laws do not discriminate among arrange and love marriages, no matter whether the marriage is arranged or love, the consequence is the same. Therefore, it is advised to all the Indian bachelor boys to think multiple times before taking any decision regarding marriage. The boys and their parents must be well aware of all the women centric gender biased anti-man laws and the current scenario of the society. It is also the duty of all the men’s right activists (MRA) to educate the young boys about all the prevailing anti-man gender biased laws and the fatal consequences of getting married. It is not wise to get married until the laws are made gender neutral in India. Life is precious and there are many things to do but marriage. Don’t waste it for a relationship which has nothing to offer to you but to take the most part of you, your mental peace, dignity and hard earned wealth. Don’t forget that many successful Indian personalities were/are bachelors and have lived/are living a bachelor life.
According to the sacred Sanskrit scriptures, we are now living in Kali Yuga which is the last of the four stages the world goes through as part of a ‘Cycle of Yugas'. It is believed that human civilization will degenerate during this Yuga as a consequence of the breakdown of all social structures, mindless hedonism, greed, materialism, unrestricted egotism and spiritual bankruptcy leading to afflictions and maladies of mind and body. But according to the Bhagawat Gita, God will arrive soon for the protection of dharma…..
यदा यदा हि धर्मस्य ग्लानिर्भवति भारत।
अभ्युत्थानमधर्मस्य तदात्मानं सृजाम्यहम् ॥४-७॥
परित्राणायसाधूनां विनाशाय च दुष्कृताम् ।
धर्मसंस्थापनार्थाय सम्भवामि युगे युगे ॥४-८॥
Shree Krishna says to Arjuna, “Whenever there is decay of righteousness, O Bharata, And there is exaltation of unrighteousness, then I Myself come forth; For the protection of the good, for the destruction of evil-doers, For the sake of firmly establishing righteousness, I am born from age to age”.
मैं अवतार लेता हूं । मैं प्रकट होता हूं । जब जब धर्म की हानि होती है, तब तब मैं आता हूं । जब जब अधर्म बढ़ता है तब तब मैं साकार रूप से लोगों के सम्मुख प्रकट होता हूं, सज्जन लोगों की रक्षा के लिए मै आता हूं, दुष्टों के विनाश करने के लिए मैं आता हूं, धर्म की स्थापना के लिए में आता हूं और युग युग में जन्म लेता हूं ।
References
1. https://www.mensdayout.com/in-the-social/blogs/scrap-alimony-laws-in-india/.
3. https://www.facebook.com/828726937518468/photos/a.828732764184552/1025694031155090/?type=3&theater.
4. https://www.indiatoday.in/diu/story/ncrb-report-data-india-young-adults-suicide-2019-india-1717887-2020-09-02.
5. https://www.abebooks.com/9781942549260/Train-Husband-Vet-Techs-Guide-1942549261/plp.
6. https://www.amazon.com/How-Tame-Your-Husband-Intergender-ebook/dp/B07C1TX714.
7. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/train-man.
8. https://www.statista.com/statistics/205000/number-of-families-with-a-single-mother-in-the-us/.
10. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_10/sr10_178.pdf.
11. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00779.x.
12. https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/Digitization/140517NCJRS.pdf.
13. https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/pji02.pdf.
14. https://www.healthaffairs.org/doi/full/10.1377/hlthaff.26.2.450.
15. Scheffler RM, Hinshaw SP, Modrek S, Levine P. The global market for ADHD medications. Health Aff (Millwood). 2007;26(2):450-457. doi:10.1377/hlthaff.26.2.450.
16. Visser SN, Danielson ML, Bitsko RH, et al. Trends in the parent-report of health care provider-diagnosed and medicated attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: United States, 2003-2011. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2014;53(1):34-46.e2. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2013.09.001.
17. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Increasing prevalence of parent-reported attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder among children --- United States, 2003 and 2007. MMWR Morb Mortal Wkly Rep. 2010;59(44):1439-1443.
18. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html.
Declaimer: This article was published on Men's Day Out on Sep 19, 2020.