Self-care by Rebecca Walker

Plants need compassion to grow. They need water, they need sun and they need space to be able to thrive. Without these essential components, no one would expect a plant to grow and flourish. Without love and nurture, a plant inevitably fails to grow to its full potential.

So why do we expect this of ourselves?

Personally, I have been very guilty of not showing myself enough compassion. For many years, I have suffered with an anxiety disorder and depression. I did myself a disservice by not seeking help- at the time, I did not think I deserved it. I pushed my body and mind to extremes not only trying to cope with everyday activities but also to hide what I was going through from everyone. I would smile and laugh my way through social activities and then go home exhausted and cry. It was no way to live.

From my experiences, I have learned that compassion is not something that we are born with, nor is it an innate trait. We choose compassion and we choose to act in a way that is compassionate, to others or to ourselves. In my early years as a medical student, I mistakenly thought that showing myself compassion and putting my wellbeing first was selfish. I felt lazy for falling asleep too early when I was tired or unworthy of being a doctor if I did not stay up late enough to work. It is a cycle and attitude that inevitably leads to burnout and there is no doubt in my mind that I made myself sicker, mentally and physically, when I made these unhealthy decisions.

I think plants are a simpler example, compared to a human, of the importance of compassion. In the right conditions, which differs from plant to plant, a sapling can evolve into its healthiest and best form for survival. In my piece, the best form of the sapling is a sunflower. As the first hand waters the sapling, it gives it something that is essential for its survival and it is able to bloom into a beautiful sunflower. I chose this plant because it has become a symbol for people with hidden disabilities and as someone who is a part of that group, it was important to me for it to be represented in my piece.

On the other hand, there are factors, environmental and internal, that act as barriers to showing compassion. In my case, the factors that were harming me were predominantly internal, but it is an ubiquitous experience that internal conflicts are exacerbated by environmental stresses. As medical students, this can be the emotional effect of being with people who are seriously ill and dying or the frantic studying for exams that not only do you need to pass but excel in.

This brings us onto the hand holding the caterpillar. I chose the caterpillar because, from its perspective, the prospect of being able to eat all of the sapling is incredibly positive for it. It will be better off for it and be more likely to develop into a butterfly. As a medic, I have rationalised giving myself less compassion because the patients I see need it more. I have since learned that there is enough compassion to go around, and actually it is far more important to show ourselves compassion because, in the long-term, we would be unable to show other people compassion if we are burnt out.

As an aspiring GP, it is incredibly important to me that I learn how best to show myself compassion. The aspect of GP that excites me most is also the most challenging aspect of this specialty- the possible variety of diagnoses is huge and intimidating. When a patient walks into a particular department in a hospital, it is a given that they have an issue related to that specific specialty and will be seen by specialists. When a patient walks into primary care, there is any number of problems and the GPs job is to narrow it down to discrete diagnoses that can be managed and treated. This can be extremely discouraging as it can take time to diagnose a complicated patient and it can feel like you are not doing a good enough job for that patient. I think an important part of compassion in primary care will be to not expect perfection, which is something I often demand from myself. Sometimes reaching the right conclusion is a lengthy process of trial and error and being sure that you did everything you could at each step in the process should be enough to not feel guilty or inadequate.

So, the question remains, how can we show ourselves compassion? What does it look like? For me, showing myself compassion meant seeking help I deserved and accepting treatments that have changed my life. I have had my eyes opened to a way of being I did not even think was possible for me, and I have energy to dedicate to both patients I meet and, most importantly, myself. At the end of the day, looking after our own wellbeing is the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves, and by giving ourselves the love and respect we would give to any other human being we can develop and grow into our best selves.