December 30th, 2020
We could all list the way 2020 let us down. It has been a whirlwind of challenges and struggles that I don’t need to write on, since we all know it so well and intimately.
What DID come into absolute clarity this year was how my view of the year could change, depending on what lens I had over my eyes on any given day. My gratitude practice made it so easy to have a lens of abundance and falling out of that practice led to a lens of lack. When in lack, it's SO EASY to see restriction, limitations, and sadness. I went through days of doom & gloom. Hopelessness followed by heartbreak and back around again.
When abundance was squarely the focus, it was SO EASY to see how magically things were lining up, even if just below the surface.
When I look on 2020 with the lens of abundance, I see:
-The innovation gained by finding so many new ways to make things work.
-Forcing our brains to find perspective and seek out the best possible, least resistant (and restrictive) options.
-Learning to truly prioritize my family by choosing the best options for US to not allow restriction to rule our lives. Choosing the dialogue of "here's what we'll do" vs spending too much time thinking about what we can't.
-Being forced into a daily gratitude/meditation practice, solely out of survival. Not a bad thing to be forced/surrendered in to<3
-We didn’t make it back to Disney World this year like I dreamed, but we made it to the beach nearly every week this summer.
-We didn’t get to see many people, but we saw each other a whole lot. I already know getting to spend so much time together while my children are so wonderfully little will be a time we’ll always look back on in awe as such a gift. (and you’ll probably forget the ones you didn’t think you’d survive. Kinda like childbirth😉)
-That I had been asking God for years that my kids would be home schooled and also that I wouldn’t be the teacher (know thy strengths and weaknesses😉.) So my husband being the one with the work from home job and my kids being home schooled by him was NOT a coincidence.😉
-We took the time to make countless forts, puzzles, bowls of popcorn for movie nights, peaceful family dinners and night time bike rides. Having the time and space for the things you actually enjoyed.
-My job, despite many new and unpredictable challenges, heavily deepened in its purpose. You realized giving a smile, a conversation and a comforting word became the greatest gift you could give without measure.
-We didn’t take for granted the little moment, all normally blurred by our CONSTANT motion.
-Refining new ways to ground and find peace in the midst of fear and chaos.
-More spiritual learning, growth and mind blowing moments than I could possibly fathom…even if right under the surface.
-Deep connections with so many. Friendships and bonds I didn’t know could be founded in texts, voice memos and zoom group meetings (HOLY LIBERATION CREW and winter solstice!). It IS possible <3
-We replaced running around to get out the door with lazy mornings in pj's.
-The luxury of morning coffee with Scott going from 1-2 days a week to being a simple every day joy.
-A whirlwind of activities narrowed down to a mindful, present few.
Step back and observe. Observe the big picture and the small.
Where were you able to see shifts and change in humanity?
Where were you able to see it within yourself, your family?
What did you not take for granted?
Enjoy the small, simple & quiet?
Can we not just sweep this year under the rug as one we'd like to forget, but one where we can choose to finish up strong in appreciating what it brought into our lives?
I've despised parts of it as much as anyone. Can we take a breath and try to even take one glimmering moment of that higher perspective?
What have you been forced to learn?
Where have you been forced to surrender in the best way possible?
Try to quiet your mind for a few minutes and see what answers arrive from that place of gentle stillness.
What’s in your abundance lens? Some days the good is much harder to dig out than others. Some days we could see none. But it’s always there, just waiting for us to quiet our minds and lives enough to see it. Where’s your 2020 good?
November 27, 2020
What if I told you the cost of “peace with yourself” came with the price tag of weight gain. Would that diminish the value?
If any of you have followed me over here from my old blog “My Tasty Journey” (now Finding Your Happy Weight…a title I’d still like to delve into😉), allow me to introduce you to the 2020 version of myself and try to verbalize the last few years in this ole blog post😊.
Let me start by saying I don’t want to completely discredit the ‘weight loss’ part of my life. I felt good, was proud of my body and enjoyed finding ways to ‘lighten up’ meals (as you did in the early millennium😉) to the point that I loved and wrote on that food blog for years. And if I'm being honest, I can say a big part of that journey DID feel fluid, flexible, peaceful and intuitive.
And do I honestly still wish I was at that weight from my ‘after picture’?
I can’t lie and say no.
But I’m now very aware of what was bubbling below the surface. Once holding myself up to that ‘after picture’ became a weight on my shoulders that became too heavy. (Completely self-induced, I WILL add) I weighed less…but I also eventually became so fearful of not having “structured eating.” That pizza on a Tuesday night would descend into a binge of ‘well, this week is ruined, I’ll start again on Monday.’
And when Monday came around it was back on the wagon of structure, fear of any deviation and a complete lack of flexibility. Such white knuckle rigidity that any extra calories would landslide back in that cycle…and we’d be back to waiting for Monday, AGAIN.
But that’s what I thought I was SUPPOSED to do: Hate a version of myself so much that it would keep me ‘accountable.’ Brewing was the TERROR of the shame that would ensue if I fell off that pedestal. I genuinely thought gaining weight back was the ULTIMATE FAILURE. Because, at this point in my story, my entire self worth was tied up into how much lower could I make that scale go. How much smaller of a tag could I buy my clothes.
And the truth was: it was NEVER enough. I can honestly say at my lowest weight, I was still focused on losing at least 15 more pounds. It was never. enough.
This is where perfectionism sets in and any slip ups or extra calories led to anxiety, beating myself up and thinking that weight loss was going to be my greatest triumph. My gold star in life.
FROM. LOSING. WEIGHT.
It seems so…sad to me now. Thinking that was the greatest thing I could accomplish and the only way to stay there was to live up to that version of myself. Honestly, thinking back to who I was at that moment, it would be the ONLY thing I would list as an accomplishment. Which may have felt good physically, but was destroying my mental health along the way.
I remember starting the shift into acceptance, which was first met with weighing myself less/not keeping myself accountable (to a strangled fault). And guess what happened?
I started gaining.
And what does evidence of ‘your greatest fear’ ensue? Total CONSTANT anxiety of ‘what does this mean about me?? If I’m not the weight loss success story??” Which led to endless cycles of binging, self-hatred, depression and attempts to restrict, followed up with a lovely dose of even MORE binging.
My cousin suggested therapy, something I had considered in the past, but never took the plunge. This brought up ANOTHER boat load of shame. Because by now I was a yoga teacher and MY PERCEPTION was that I was supposed to have my s*it together enough to ‘not need therapy.’
That’s some capital B Bullsh*t, right there.
All that to introduce the version of me NOW, who still definitely deals with insecurities, shame and fear. However, can enjoy life in a way I never have. That I now realize life is MEANT to be HAPPY and not spent in constant self-judgment over EVERY. F**KING. THING.
That life isn’t about being so fearful of food that you pat yourself on the back every time you don’t eat, deny yourself, turn down the cake “cause I’m being good”…only to descend into an inevitable binge/self hatred spiral that comes from plowing through a dozen cookies and hiding any evidence. From both the people you are living with and most certainly yourself because it just feels so shameful and embarrassing.
And here is the fun little secret that no one tells you: weight loss, in theory, is easy. The loss is when we’re super motivated, seeing results, feeling great in our new body and getting constant validation.
You know what’s not much of any of these?
MAINTENANCE.
After the motivation and applause dies down is when you realize you’ve painted yourself into a corner and the only way to keep yourself there is by doing the kick boxing classes you want to cry through and eating the quinoa…that you also want to cry through. When it’s no longer exciting to see how little you can eat so you can see how much less you’ll weigh in the morning. Because the day will come where you realize your body can only maintain that weight from that little you’ve been eating. You don’t get that utopic moment of reaching your goal weight and then being able to go back to eating ALLTHETHINGS without guilt, judgement or gain. And now it’s not new, exciting and joyful. It’s fear and anxiety. So much anxiety. That, in turn, manifests in other areas of your life. I maintained for over 10 years and losing my white knuckle grip seemed like the most humiliating failure I could fathom. As my anxiety shot higher and higher, my desire to binge and panic-eat grew stronger and stronger.
The version of me NOW doesn’t really eat quinoa. Nor do I eat a lot of things I perceived as “treats” solely because of their forbidden status. Now I’m constantly learning the more often I tell myself I can have those potato chips (my prior binge-inducing nemesis), the more I realize I don’t actually WANT them. Finding out the ability to keep chips in my house, without plowing through a bag in guilt & regret, while recognizing my ability to do so also DID NOT completely alter my life, as I had previously fantasized. It just was food. And that was it.
I’ve found (and continue to work on cultivating) freedom, both of self judgement and outside criticism, AS WELL as judgement of food. I’ve realized I ENJOY movement and exercise and I truly only do what I enjoy, whether or not I’m dropping clothes sizes. I’ve learned to listen to my body cues and find it’s gentle nudges towards balance. I recognize I feel best when I’m PRESENT and not eating from a “mindless/f*ck it” place. And I also recognize that all these successes ebb & flow and even when I have inevitable bad days, it is worth using the skills I’ve acquired in therapy to pull myself out, dust myself off, all with the SINGULAR GOAL OF FEELING BETTER. (not smaller)
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD?
For me, I find it in peace, acceptance, love, presence, and grounding. The things you need to find within yourself FIRST before you could even begin to accept it from others. It’s hidden beneath layers of doubt, fear, shame, trauma, resistance, resentment, judgement and anxiety of outward appearance.
I’ve learned to enjoy my life more. Not because I said “f*ck it” and ate all the things. But because I chose to stop RESISTING them. To be mindful and PRESENT. To stop hating myself and making EVERYTHING so hard. Eating is 3-5 (or however many) chances a day to pick what you want. Isn’t it better to make choices from peace? From presence? Vs. resistance, anger, self-loathing and self-hatred.
But it's all a work in progress. In truth: after 2 years of therapy and endless hours of conversation, I lamented to my therapist recently that I’ve gotten a better handle of my hunger & fullness cues, have made peace with food, strive for balance as best I can, can’t remember the last time I binged and have felt pretty normal in my eating…only to recognize the frustration of this all to STILL not result in weight loss/better feeling in my body😉.
It’s ONGOING, CONSTANT work and acceptance. The reminder of the emotional toll back in that self-loathing/self-hatred cycle is always a good reflection to keep me moving forward…even if I don’t feel super comfortable in my body every single moment of every single day.
In summary, I’m not here to praise either my weight loss or gain stories. Nor do I want to demonize either part. Both came with pains, rewards and an immense opportunity to learn about myself and the depths of emotions these lifestyles can have on each of us, even if their brewing in our subconscious.
What I DO want to praise here is the mindset shifts. In finding even the tiniest glimmer of acceptance in ANY weight or body size, admittedly still ongoing DAILY work. Praising of the releasing of the struggle and the resistance of what IS. Relaxing into the JOY of life and not every moment needing to be met with my own criticism and judgement. That life is fluid and we should flow WITH it vs perpetually fighting against it. That your body size is NOT your identity, nor your worth.
You’re worthy of finding your happy place and worth fighting to stay there.
September 21, 2020
Hi everyone! And welcome to "Finding your own magic."
On this page I'll be sharing more insights with you regarding shifting our mindset into a magical mindset. Truth be told, it is near-DAILY work to keep our minds in tip top shape. It is illusion that we reach 'the peak' and then get to coast through life (I wish;), that keeps us trapped in our frustrating expectation. Every moment is a CHANCE and a CHOICE to experience life through a negative or positive lens...and some days are a tougher choice than others. Finding the ebbs and flow of this journey is what makes it the most satisfying and fulfilling.
I'll be sharing more soon.
If you'd like to see some of my previous posts regarding my weight loss journey & the mental challenges of weight loss (something I'll continue to share on this page), you can find them at findingyourhappyweight.blogspot.com. (The links on the pages no longer work and my life has evolved quite a bit since this time but I think a lot of the posts, especially the newer ones, will still resonate.)