WAITING
While she was playing with her dolls, she waited for to be 16, as the Graal to be almost a grown-up.
At 16, she started to discover a new world settled with books, films, plays, music, politic, hopes, and waited to be 18.
When she was a student, she imagined how free she would be after graduate.
Then she started to work, waiting for the weekend, waiting for holiday.
And so on…
It seems that she had always been spending her time by waiting. Waiting for a letter, Waiting for a sign, Waiting for a call, Waiting for, anyway.
And at the end, most of the time, the so cherished waited instant was finally not as exciting as hoped. Hardly ever felt in the Present, it vanished in something common, disappointing, with no interest. And then, felt again in the past to eventually catch in a bit of light with the colours of Nostalgy.
She cannot remember when exactly she could not afford anymore the vacuity of this way of life. Going to the Zen dojo with the ambition to find a spiritual path and waiting to feel plainly the Present.
During two years’ experience, she did not feel anything except the pain in her knees by having stayed meditating for twice half an hour, twice a week in the very morning. But afterwards, life seemed lighter for a few hours.
And keep in mind « Be involved only in what you are doing, each instant has the same value than another one. Be aware in what you are doing even if you are sweeping the floor. » She tried to.
Loving Autumn when colours are changing, beeing stunned in Spring when all sorts of newborn green leaves burst everywhere the eyes can go. Loving rain, loving sun, loving to be too busy, loving to not be enough occupied, loving to be surrounded, loving to be alone.
And so on.
As an old lady, when she looks back and sees how many lives she has lived, she thinks that even if you do not wait for, events are coming, and at the end of the end, the last one.
So, as strongly as ever, her every day task is to be involved in each moment and be as aware as possible.
To let the present spread, just knowing that the schedule is not only filled with medical appointments, but events connected with all she started to discover when she was 16. And meetings with friends and family which bring happiness, knowledge, emotions.
And when it does not work, when the tempest in her mind fills it in fear, anguish, craving for who knows what, the garden eventually keeps her quiet.
Dig the soil, weed, sow, plant, water, without thinking of anything than what she is doing. And then, afterwards life is lighter for a few hours.
Jacqueline December 2023