Cryptid Parke
CHARACTERS:
BOBLE Detective. Smokes bubbles. Trying so hard to be film noir but is actually girlypop. Like bubble but Bob.
LAMBY Sidekick. Is trying too hard. Plays music at inappropriate times. Perhaps bleats sometimes.
THE DREAMER Narrator. Breaks the fourth wall? Has Opinions™ about what is going on with the detectives.
GYLFANGINNING Creature. Watches. Waits. Screeches at times. Shadowy. Gill-fang-in-ing.
SYNOPSIS:
Two detectives investigate a strange creature on the python farm while an omniscient being interrupts.
SETTING:
A rural python farm. Perhaps there are stray pythons. Perhaps there is a fence to jump over.
NOTES FOR DIRECTOR:
Genderfuck. This is a weird little play, embrace the weirdness.
SONG LIST:
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper
Karma Chameleon by Culture Club
Talking in Your Sleep by The Romantics
Seven Tears by Goombay Dance Band
Call Me by Blondie
Cheri Cheri Lady by Modern Talking
We Built This City by Starship
THE STRANGE//THE DREAMER
(The stage is empty. In the distance,
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper
starts playing. By the fence, GYLFANGINNING
stands watching the audience from
the shadows. THE DREAMER sits with
the audience.)
(BOBLE walks on smoking his bubbles.
He is comically serious given the fact
that he is blowing bubbles with
the same intensity as a film noir detective
would smoke their cigar.)
BOBLE
Lamby, would you quit that? We have an image to maintain.
(LAMBY runs on holding a Bluetooth
speaker. The song abruptly comes
to an end as she pauses it and pouts.)
LAMBY
But boss, think of it! Boble and Lamby: the musical crime-fighting detective duo!
(At this point, GYLFANGINNING lets out
a piercing screech, jumps over the
fence, and ducks behind a corner.
LAMBY screams.)
LAMBY
What was that?
(BOBLE and LAMBY freeze in time.
THE DREAMER stands up from the
audience.)
THE DREAMER
What an odd pair, don't you think? One has to wonder why they work together.
(They get up in BOBLE's face, take
his bubbles, and blow them, perhaps
smears them on his face. They put the
bubbles back in his hand.)
And what they are doing so far out from the city.
(THE DREAMER sits on the fence. BOBLE
and LAMBY unfreeze. BOBLE
sputters and wipes bubbles off of his face.)
BOBLE
You need to take this seriously; we won't get new jobs if you keep goofing off. (Under his breath) Why I even bother keeping you around is a mystery even I can't solve.
LAMBY
(Ignoring him)
I'll go check over here boss! Don't you even worry, I'll be super professional.
(LAMBY presses play on the speaker and
Seven Tears by Goombay Dance Band plays
as she walks back to the fence where
THE DREAMER now sits. LAMBY does not
acknowledge THE DREAMER, almost
as if she cannot see them. The music
fades out as they round the corner.)
BOBLE
Ugh. That kid.
(BOBLE exits on the opposite side, blowing
his bubbles in exasperation. Once they are
both gone, GYLFANGINNING runs out
and sniffs at the ground where they
were standing. THE DREAMER stands
and GYLFANGINNING
freezes in time.)
THE DREAMER
What a lonely creature. Poor thing. It doesn't even realize what it wants. After all, what use does a solitary creature have for words such as 'kinship' and 'connection'?
(THE DREAMER moves to a new spot
in the audience and sits. GYLFANGINNING
straightens and looks around again.)
GYLFANGINNING
Strange people. Strange things. Scary. Threat.
(It screeches and scurries off. BOBLE
comes running in, blowing his
bubbles aggressively.)
BOBLE
Lamby! Did you see that?
(LAMBY rushes on, Call Me by Blondie
playing from her speaker.)
LAMBY
I'm here Mr. Boble boss-sir! What is it?
BOBLE
How many times do I have to tell you to turn that off?
(LAMBY obliges begrudgingly.)
The creature that has been terrorizing this poor python farm! Did you not see it?
(GYLFANGINNING is standing in the background watching them again. BOBLE whips around to look for it, but it ducks and hides.)
BOBLE
This is getting us nowhere! We should split up and search the property. If we don't get rid of the creature that has been terrorizing this farm then we will get bad press and no one will come to us with any more cases.
(Scooby-Doo-like shenanigans ensue as
BOBLE, LAMBY, and GYLFANGINNING
run back and forth across the stage
while We Built This City by Starship plays.
At one point, BOBLE and LAMBY back
into each other and freak out.
THE DREAMER can step in and reposition
people without their knowledge so that
more chaos ensues. It ends with BOBLE and
LAMBY running off stage and
GYLFANGINNING standing in the
middle looking distressed.)
THE DREAMER
Gylfanginning, why do you look so upset?
(GYLFANGINNING looks around, confused,
then settles on THE DREAMER. This is
the first time a character sees them.)
GYLFANGINNING
Scared.
THE DREAMER
Of the strangers?
GYLFANGINNING
No. Go pop.
THE DREAMER
Ah, I see. May I offer you some courage?
(Sung a cappella to Cheri Cheri Lady
by Modern Talking)
CHERI, CHERI LADY
GOIN' THROUGH A MOTION
LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
CHERI, CHERI LADY
LIVING IN DEVOTION
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
LET ME TAKE A PART
CHERI, CHERI LADY
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW
TAKE MY HEART, DON'T LOSE IT
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
(GYLFANGINNING hesitates, then runs off.
THE DREAMER looks longingly after it
and disappears around the corner. BOBEL and
LAMBY run on together, out of breath.)
BOBLE
What, no song for this occasion?
LAMBY
We were running for our lives! When did you think I had time to queue a song?
(GYLFANGINNING steps forward as
they argue, hesitant but brave.)
LAMBY
HOLY SHIT IT'S BACK!!
(BOBLE brandishes his bubbles.)
BOBLE
Back foul beast! We have come to discover your identity and remove you from this python farm.
(GYLFANGINNING recoils from the
bubbles, but tries to be brave.)
GYLFANGINNING
Sorry. Sorry. Friend?
BOBLE
What?
LAMBY
I think it wants to be our friend.
(BOBBLE sighs, exasperated. He blows his
bubbles aggressively. LAMBY notices how
GYLFANGINNING recoils from the bubbles.)
LAMBY
Wait a minute.
(She takes BOBLE's bubbles and
moves a few steps away.)
See, it's not as nervous. It's not dangerous, it's just scared of your bubbles! You know what this means, right?
BOBLE
I--
GYLFANGINNING
Bubble. Leave?
(GYLFANGINNING pulls a sad puppy
face and slowly, BOBLE caves.)
BOBLE
Ugh! Fine! Bubble leave.
(He takes the bubbles from LAMBY
and chucks them off stage.)
Bubble leave. I'm Detective Boble.
LAMBY
And I'm Lamby!
(Long bleat)
GYLFANGINNING
Gylfanginning!
(They all stare at each other for a
moment, and Lamby holds up her speaker.)
LAMBY
Mr. Boble boss-sir, can I?
(BOBLE looks exasperated, but nods. LAMBY
presses play on the speaker and they all
begin to dance and sing to Karma Chameleon
by Culture Club for a few verses.)
(They all skip off hand in hand while continuing
to sing. THE DREAMER steps forward
for the final time and addresses the audience.)
THE DREAMER
Dreams are strange things, don't you think?
(They start to turn away, but stop.)
Oh, you didn't know? You think something this odd could be real?
(THE DREAMER sits back with the audience
and addresses someone sitting next to them.)
THE DREAMER
Dreams exist to teach us something. What have you learned?
(They probe the audience member for an
answer. Something along the lines of
"accepting our differences" and "friendship"
is what they should land on.)
THE DREAMER
Very good. Now, it's time to take your final bow, it's time to wake up.
(Talking in Your Sleep by The Romantics
plays as THE DREAMER stands, takes a
bow, and walks off.)
END
Cryptid Parke is a college senior studying creative writing and editing & publishing. Growing up in the Midwest instilled Cryptid with a fierce love of the strange and lonely, and they can now be found leaving ghosts of themself in every place that they visit. When they are not busy haunting strange clearings in the woods, Cryptid is hard at work leaving drafts half finished, rotting on the kitchen floor, and cuddling with their cats. Their work has been published or is forthcoming in the Windward Review, ScratchThat Magazine, Morning Star Literary, and more. Cryptid can be found on Instagram @cryptidparke and their work can be found on their website: https://cryptidparke.carrd.co