The Dread Isle of Goblins

There was a band of adventurers known as the Quintet of Capriciousness, due to their generally chaotic foibles in a world of magic. The party consisted of Adalard the Rogue, Luna the Ranger, Sir Uther the Paladin, Ush-Goth the Barbarian, and Dro'vahkin the Wizard. Sailing around the world on a plethora of adventures, acquiring much treasure and glory, caused some to be displeased. This included the most powerful god, Dee-yem, who was omnipotent. Due to their wandering from the path Dee-yem had set for them, he placed a storm in their path, leaving them shipwrecked on an unmarked island. They pressed onward, eager for adventure and to reap the rewards, when a most curious sight presented itself.

Looking out over a hill they saw a castle in the distance, showing signs of damage but still sound. Furthermore, they saw peasants working out in the field, horseman galloping back to the castle, and the general hustle and bustle of a countryside fiefdom they had not seen in a long time. Eagerly they pressed on towards the castle, with only Sir Uther noticing that none of the people seemed to acknowledge or observe the party in any way. Once inside the castle, several noble ladies approached them, inviting these strange travelers to a feast and to tell the whole court the tales of their adventures. This they did, and soon the court had been entranced by their tales. Uther remained silent and observant, intrigued why there were only women in the royal court, while both men and women were in the fields. When several of the ladies of the court proposed to the other adventurers that they marry, Uther was greatly concerned, more so when he learned their husbands had all died. Despite his counsel to wait and learn more about this place, the rest of the party quickly agreed, eager to give up the adventurer's life. While preparation began for the festivities, he retired to his room for his prayers.

Several hours later, Uther heard a few women walking by, but to his surprise, they were munching on bones and chanting

Man's meat, man's meat,

That's what Goblins like to eat!

Uther was startled, and decided to find out what was going on once and for all. He cast a spell, detect magic, and realized that everything around them was an illusion, and all the women they had seen were in fact Goblins, planning to eat the party of adventurers. To avoid raising alarm, he lay in his bed and called out for his friends to come to him, for he had fallen violently ill.

The other adventurers rushed to his side, confused as to how Uther could be sick, because he had never had so much as a sniffle. Once all together, he explained how it was a ruse and relayed to them what he had seen. Immediately the party argued about how to get themselves out of this predicament, with Adalard and Luna preferring to escape quietly, while Dro'vahkin and Ush-Goth wanting to stay and fight. Uther suggested praying to Dee-yem for guidance, because it was his wrath that put them here, but the others rejected this idea, saying that the only wish of Dee-yem was to see them all dead.

Ush-Goth let forth a battle cry and charged into the castle, forcing the others to take up their arms and fight. The battle went poorly, and soon the adventurers found themselves heavily wounded with nowhere to retreat. Upon realizing the situation, the party fell to their knees and begged Dee-yem to save them, promising to follow his path and never criticize his divine wisdom. No sooner was this completed than a heavily armored knight came crashing through the goblins, and commanded them to get on his back. As he said this, he transformed into a white horse, and the party mounted him, and they all shrank to fit on his back.

As the horse carried them off, he told the adventurers that he was Fiatus, right hand of Dee-yem, sent to save them and instruct them to follow Dee-yem's instructions. After the party all agreed to follow Dee-yem's guidance, Fiatus landed them back in their home country, safe and sound.

Author's note: This story was inspired by the Goblin City Jataka, where a group of sailors are shipwrecked on an island and forced to marry goblins intent on eating them, who they believe to be women. One sailor find this out and spreads the news to the others, who despair of their fate until a fairy saves them on the back of a white horse. I changed this setting to something from Dungeons & Dragons with a party of adventurers being shipwrecked through angering a deity, and falling for the same ruse as the original sailors did, until the trap is discovered. The party is also saved through divine intervention, but, it is through the realizing of how they have angered a god that their salvation comes about. I tried to work in references to standard character types and mechanics that someone familiar with Dungeons & Dragons, particularly 5th edition, would be able see and appreciate, such as the paladin being sick, which is impossible. The main joke throughout these stories is the main deity, Dee-yem, a play on DM, or Dungeon Master, which is the arbiter of the game world and frequent target for player abuse and disdain, due to being the provider for the challenges the characters face. However, this came with the additional challenge of not making it too full of in-jokes and inaccessible to someone who is not as familiar with the game. This is different than the original where they are saved simply through divine benevolence.

Header and in text image from:

Castle on a Hill, from Bernard Gagnon on Wikipedia

Bibliography:

"The Goblin City" from The Giant Crab, and Other Tales from Old India by W. H. D. Rouse, Source