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Speaking of anxiety: anytime you are engaging in trust, mistakes are inevitable. Stepping on toes, literally or figuratively is always a pain and always causes a break in trust. What happens next is really important.
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In tango, trust is unavoidable. With every step, you both choose to connect. Then the leader proposes a movement, and the follower responds and completes it. Then they connect again, communicate, and complete. Over and over again, a hundred repetitions in a single song
And, according to a study done by researcher Sandra Kerka: embodied learning (where you learn something through physical action, and not just through language) becomes deeply-rooted knowledge, more easily remembered under stress.
The point of human life is to be in connection with others and to work together with others to create things more beautiful and grand and complex than we can alone. The foundation that makes all of it possible is mutual trust.
(To see the edited-for-stage-time version of this, with some beautiful, completely improvised tango dancing by Marika Alderink and Ricardo Coez, see it here on the TEDxBartonSpringsWomen channel on YouTube: _z64BxI3Ek )
My first trip since the start of COVID was on July 22. I flew to Tennessee to transition my father to hospice. He had been in the hospital about a week and seemed to be improving, but his condition rapidly declined. I had a call with the hospital social worker planning our approach to secure a hard-to-come-by spot at a skilled nursing facility. We had a plan. Few minutes later, she called back, and she said the doctor just sent a recommendation for hospice. The plan changed. As soon as I hung up the phone for the second time, my mission was clear, get to Tennessee as quickly as possible to accompany my Dad as he transitions to the next world.
A coworker looked up flights for me, and I booked the first available: 2pm American Airlines DCA to TYS. I was nervous, both due to the uncertainty ahead, and because my family and I had been living under strict COVID quarantine since Feb 2020 (when my second son was born). Yet, I did not flinch when I could not reserve a seat during the ticket purchase process, since it was so last minute. Again, when I checked in at the airport, I did not think twice when I did not have a seat assignment. But when I got to the gate, it was clear why: a VERY oversold flight. When I explained my situation to the ticket agents, they showed no reaction. So little of a reaction that I thought maybe they had not heard me thru my double mask so, I followed up and asked calmly if they could mention in their next announcement asking for volunteers that anyone giving up their seat would help someone get to their dying parent sooner. They didn't.
So, I stood at the gate and watched various travelers consider the pros and cons of the $1200 voucher being offered to volunteers. I remained standing while on the phone making hospice arrangements, with tears streaming down my face and glasses fogged up from my mask and heavy breathing. Getting desperate, I approached a family of 4 that were clearly on the fence about volunteering. I only had to say one sentence, and they immediately volunteered and pointed to me, not the $4800 airline credit, as the reason. They gave up starting their family vacation by over 6 hours so that I could have 6 additional hours with my Dad. Despite their act of kindness and sacrifice, I did not get on the flight, as I was too far down the list. The same generous family protested to gate agents, got no reaction, and then gave up their seats on the subsequent flight to make sure I got a seat on the last flight of the day. It worked. Instead of arriving at 3.30 pm, I arrived at 10.30 pm. And then stayed up until 5 am with my sister (who was even more sleep deprived than I) preparing my Dad's place for in-home hospice. A few hours later, I transitioned him from the hospital to his home.
What did American Airlines teach me that day? I was a number - #10 on the wait list to be precise. Airline regulations allow for flights to be oversold, and the agents followed protocol. They did what the computer (likely AI-driven ranking) told them to do to determine who got on the flight. Unfortunately, this is a human-less equation based on probably my frequent flyer status, class of ticket, and number of flights in the year, which were much lower than usual due to COVID. I remember starring at the ticket agents' name tags, but was too worried about leaving my family behind and too exhausted and disappointed to even write the agents' names down. But I will never forget their blank faces or how they made me feel - invisible.
About 24 hours later, I was waiting in the drive thru of a CVS Pharmacy in Tennessee, just as the sun was setting. I had not slept much since I arrived. I was rushing to pick up medication for pain, nausea, and anxiety to maximize my Dad's comfort in his remaining time. As I waited my turn, I felt gratitude to whomever thought of the pharmacy drive thru option, especially at a time when COVID numbers were spiking in Tennessee, and few people were wearing masks. Then, a voice greeted me in a soft southern accent, "How can I help?" I answered, "picking up for last name - Najmi." The women recognized it and clearly had it at hands reach. She said that hospice had said I was on my way so, she kept it handy. She asked for ID. I gave her both my Washington, DC driver's license and my Dad's Tennessee driver's license. It took her only a few seconds to connect the dots between the rings under my eyes, the shared last name, and the two IDs. She asked, "Your Dad?" I nodded yes. "Not slept much since you arrived, huh?" I nodded no. She paused, leaned towards the glass, and looked me in the eyes and said, "My name is Molly, and I just started my shift. Like you, I will be awake all night so, don't hesitate to call. And it's ok if it is not a question about the medication. You are a good daughter."
What did Molly teach me? On July 23, Molly came to work for me and my Dad - her customers, not CVS, who signs her paycheck. She went beyond protocol, which probably only required her to explain the purpose and use of the product she was selling and to verify the proper recipient. She offered, without hesitation and at no extra charge, a generous helping of empathy and compassion. She didn't just sell me medication. She empowered me to be the best daughter I could be for my Dad. She gave me the comfort of her trust, knowledge that she had my back that night. She made clear that at least one person was accompanying me thru that difficult moment. While she probably won't remember my name (nor should she), I will never forget hers. I will think of her and how she filled my heart that night, gave me the courage to power thru the last 3 days of my Dad's life. Every time I see the heart in the CVS logo - I will think of Molly.
I had many lessons and reflections during this trip - these are just two. While one of them was more painful than the other, both are experiences that I will keep close to mind, as I think about what I can do to make sure that PayPal customers, employees, and communities have no doubt for whom I come to work.
So far, on this journey of earning donor trust, we have talked about how trust starts with you, then moves to your key relationships within the organization, and from there out to your donors. You can now see how all of this is connected and why it is so important to get things right.
I had a situation in once where a person I trusted threw me under the bus. I was surprised, and then hurt. Surprised that a relationship that had been in place for over a decade meant so little to this person that they would toss it aside to gain political advantage. Hurt that the actual gain in political advantage was hardly worth the damage done.
It was likely an offhand comment, something he said without fully considering its weight, but I felt sick hearing it. For a generation of black women in the South, this was the kind of thinking that justified forced sterilizations, and helped build a mistrust of the medical system that lasts to this day.
During my last year of medical school, as I was questioning my education and experiences in Virginia, I took a course called Black Physicians: History and Health Disparities. The course began with an exploration of the history of African-American physicians in the United States and subsequently focused on efforts to reverse discrimination in health care and to reduce health disparities. It was an independent study taught by a white female physician.
This allowed me to make the biggest learning of all: There are only inches and there is only us to keep moving through them. Self-trust lies in self-advocacy to continue to move reliably, regardless of the noise happening inside or around us.
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I have had a career that meandered and have been exposed to a lot of different things. At 20, you believe you have to pick the right thing and that will be it, but I learned I have to pick the right thing for right now. It has worked out. I was able to see lots of different aspects of work, which set me up for success in my current role. (Alli Myatt pictured at right.)
There are a lot lately that have resonated with me. Drive by Daniel Pink is really good and pushed my thinking about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. I reconsidered how to design human capital practices. 152ee80cbc
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