i know this is super fuckin weird, but what is craigslist for if not freaky ass sex fantasies.

i want to fuck super mario. i want a guy to wear overalls, a red shirt and hat and fuck me hard (while occasionally saying the catchphrases like 'letsa go!' and 'mamma mia'). i guess to look the part it would be wicked if you had dark hair.

you have to leave your costume on during the whole encounter. if you're really into it, i can wear a pink dress and pretend to be princess peach.

any takers for my weird fetish? ill be in ottawa this weekend

WA-HOO!

This Sunday evening at 10pm, I'll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I'll be wearing clothing but underneath I'll be naked. You'll know it's me because I'll be eating Bert's BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert's BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert's Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert's BEST.

After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you'll take the stool beside me. At first I won't be sure it's you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you... I'm not sexist it's just statistically probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won't need to review a menu because I'm about to tell you what to order and you'll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you're driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You'll tell the waitress you'll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt's Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don't care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I'll still know it's you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hash-browns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it's possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn't important though because you don't have to eat it. It's just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you'll order it so I can be sure you're you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hash-browns, covered, diced,

peppered and topped.

After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I'll ask you if you'd like a spoonful of my Bert's BEST Bowl of Chili. Don't respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert's BEST. Taste the chili, the sautéed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn't matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You're going to eat them and they're going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don't wipe it off, let it drip.

When my body stops convulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I'll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I'll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again.

If this sounds like the kind of thing you're looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I'd be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman showed up it would cause confusion. Also I'd like to make sure you're not a weirdo before we meet.

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not

mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks.

Was supposed to get some reading done for class, so I pop an 20mg XR around 1pm to help me focus. Decide I want to 'warm up' a bit so I pull open some random sexy literature to enjoy...

Suddenly I'm flying through whole chapters - nay - WHOLE BOOKS of deliciously lustful writings. Who even writes all this shit anyway? Are people being compensated for this beautifully arousing filth?

Such questions enter my head as I browse for another story, but they quickly disappate. My brain needs to commit 100% of its resources to creating a heavenly synthesis with my dick. The speed of each pump falls into perfect correspondence with the intensity of the scene currently unravelling on the screen and in my debauched mind. Speed-fueled concentrated willpower maintains an unnatural level of arousal for hours, simultaneously maximizing pleasure and longativity. Evey neuron is committed, cooperating; every nerve from brain stem to foreskin perfectly working towards the glorious carnal project without a single slip up. It may not seem like it from the outside, but a delicate balancing act is occurring as I fervantly beat my dick.

I have lost track of time. Such a frivolous thing has no meaning in the land of sin. Same with food, which has become redundant as I am now powered by pleasure and speed. Grandma calls. Reject, phone mute, get back to coaxing the perfect amount of Cowper's fluid out of my penis.

Darkness has fell, but I push on. Erodica is still being consumed, each act of desire coagulating into the rapidly growing zygote of an orgasm. Each story, each hour, building on top of the last in a pyramid that reaches all the way to heavens: Busting the Ultimate Nut.

I have prepared for this, yet my sense of self had dissolved. All that mattered was scaling those steps towards the promise land. The time is right. The scripture brings good omens. Its time for the final push.

The Eyes closed but that made them more open than ever. Jaw clenched, Muscles contracted, Breath held. The order arrived to The Right Hand: full speed ahead. The Body was coiled like a spring, ready to burst out.

The Penis had been worked last exhaustion, but tapped into the last power he had to complete The Ascension.

Colors flash through The Eyes, a terrible primal groan escapes The curled Lips as The Central Nervous System sends electrifying currents of pleasure to every centimeter of my corporeal form. The spring has been released, and cum flys everywhere: my pants, my shirt, my desk, my computer, my arms, the floor, everywhere.

Yet a flood of relief overcomes me.

Relief, followed by pain.

My brain rapidly reallocates it's resources to resume normal prioritization. My dick is bleeding. It's almost 2am. I haven't done any work. I won't get enough sleep. My dick is bleeding. I'm covered in my own cum. What the fuck was I reading. There's cum everywhere. Shame. Grandma. My dick is bleeding.

In my manic rampage I managed to tear my dick skin a little and it hurts like hell if I touch it. I'm going to have a fuckin dick scab for God's sake, AND I'm going to have to go class tired af with none of the reading done. The only upside is that I answered my questions about the authors of erodica with this after action report. Well I admit the nutting part was pretty fun too.

TLDR: Jerking off on Adderall is too fun so you'll do it all day