INTERVIEW # 6
Lehna: How do you and your communities best take care of yourselves and one another in the times we are living in?
Theresa: I am wordy and technical, I gotta define community and what we are living in. I just want to provide context. I am currently in a high contrast area from where I was living and working before in Baltimore.
I am currently in the Adirondacks and this is genuinely the most densely white rural place I have lived. It is very non-accessible to POC.
I actually came here for my own healing. It strikes a very interesting intersection of everything you are asking.
It really made me question why am I here? And what is my community?
Part of my own personal dream is to open up an artist residency and to have a space. I want to have a space for my artists and my loved ones and creators. I came for professional reasons and I have to seek out my own community. This space is not readily accessible for POC. I am not fully seen here. People have come to me to say “ you are the one who recognizes my humanity within this residency.
My community here are artists and fellow queer people that I encounter. Because I work for an artist residency, we are cycling through over 70 artists.The way I take care of myself and I show up for them as well is to just be real with them, because I am a facilitator in this space.
We have to be “ professional” . People come here expecting a residency. It is a double edged sword. I fully expect POC not to be seen in those ways because we are where we are.
It’s funny we mention work life balance because I take time to check in on POC/ queer people who come through. It requres bravery and going out of my way, lingering to listen for what else is there. I welcome them into the orientation.
For my community, I have to believe that they need extra care even if they dont ask for it. I have to extend myself. I do follow a semi script but for my community. I dont want to make assumptions, but I will extend myself even if I am slightly foolish. I care even though I may look foolish.
I have to heal myself and show up in odd places to be a support system for other anomalies here in this space.
Antonius: It's been really wonderful witnessing Theresa navigate the Adirondacks, this residency and being there for the people who come by. Theresa’s act of displacement forced them to discern what community is actually to them. In a capitalist society when everything is co-opted including the word community, it often takes tragedy and burnout to figure out who is there for you and who you are there for.
For instance, I found that Theresa was leaving the Adirondacks almost every weekend to drive out and be with their friends. Through calling and facetimeing, our relationship got better too.
It forces you to think about time - it is a full time job. Full time jobs instill a lot of discipline.
Lehna : What healing methods do you use in your daily practices of care?
Antonius: Time is such a limited resource in grind culture.
For me it is so rare that we are actually able to slow down and see each other where we are.
As adults in capitalistic society, just gathering with one another with no agenda is so rare.
I am trying to practice that more as an act of resistance.
Bearing witness to eachother throughout our many seasons. Just listening and not providing a solution.
Resisting trying to fix a solution. Just being with each other and how impossible that feels at times.
Can we sit together in silence? Can we text or call without planning?
Are we ok with walking in the park?
Doing activities that dont require spending money.
These have been very helpful gauges of who I desire to be around and what could potentially lead to long term friendship and community.
Theresa: You are speaking to non- transactionality.
Antonius: I am actively trying to dispel guilt and shame around not adhering to routine. Within myself and in extension with others.
Allowing myself flexibility, within ritual and ceremony, what methodologies I engage with.
Some days I need poetry, other days I need dance, poetry or snacking.
Similar to how we show up for one another. We give each other grace and understanding in order to share and claim our capacities even better.
I try my best to zoom out and understand things from a structural level.
Not taking things personally is important. This discomfort we might be feeling doesn’t have to deal with our friendship, but our capacity.
What we hope is that each of us has a good handful or two of people to surround ourselves with. Trusting that someone you love also has other loved ones.
The communication part is what I am still working on. I can hold a grudge when I dont articulate.
Theresa: A big part of the reason why I ended up in the Adirondacks was because of a break up. We had very different definitions of love and community- when we think about communities betwen Black and Asian people, queer communities practice a queer love- dismissing ideas of romantisicm, intimiacy and depth in my relationshionships.
Part of trying to live by that is not putting shame and guilt around my thoughts. Not creating naaratives in my head.
It is fun and intoxicating to develop narratives. To drop those naaratives is boring. But it is real - it is deeply healing to meet people where we are at.
People will drop in and out of our lives, and when they are ready they will come back in orbit romantically or not or as collaborators. For example, you came back in orbit.
In this moment if we drop into it - believe in the power of now.
To not create narratives means not allowing shame while inviting forgiveness and apologies that purely addresses the moment.
That is radical to me.
What does healing look like right now? Being the love of my own life and my primary partner and allowing for all kinds of love.
Lehna: Why are relationships between Black and Asian people important to you personally?
Antonius: Our history has shown time after time that we need each other and bring out the best in one another. So many of our power and freedom movements have been in conjunction or due to each other's efforts.
Something else I have thought about -
While Black and Asian are identity markers that provide a general compass, oftentimes we have to be even more specific.
Regardless of who we are in America, we are all capable of embodying and perpetuating whiteness. Especially in the Asian community, the model minority thing is so real.
The amount of Asian people that glorify whiteness and marry white people it's so disgusting. Separating themselves from their own cultures and practicing Anti- Blackness.
It is disgusting. Our own family members and us having to unlearn that too and constantly learning from those lessons and redownloading the information.
All of us are capable of producing and reproducing whiteness. It's important for us to learn about Black and Indigenous Power Movements - we wouldn’t be where we are today without our predecessors, collaborators and co- instagators.
AAPI rhetoric is so dissatisfying because so often we piggyback on the talk, language and theories of Blackness when it's not 1:1 ratio.
That unknowing and that place of potential excites me. We are hopefully developing the language today amidst the struggle.
Theresa : The Bui’s are super critical. We believe in a savage kind of love.
Lehna : This is all so wonderful, it feels like we swam into each other in the deep sea.
Theresa : People don’t know that they are an ocean.
Lehna: What healing methods do you use in your daily practices of care?
Theresa: In the theme of cutting through all the BS cuz there is so much of it. So much you can engage with we have to be a little selective it requires curation. It’s the people who keep me grounded.
Swimming through the deep waters - it feels more centered on my path on my growth.
It's the people who keep me grounded. It feels that more real.
Addressing nuances -are addressing the realness.
A lot of people dont want that realness and dont want to hear about it.They cut through all the Etcetera, learning the language when we need to be embodying it.
There is practice we need to put in. The people who want realness for realness who want family. Who want love. Who believe in love. Those are the relationships I believe in.
I did think about them a bit. It’s not the margins that keep us together. Our roots are connected elsewhere. This elsewhere- ness - I thought about a saddle in the in between and liminality we are reckoning with intertwining there is just so much we need to go through.
The realness of the relationships I find important are the ones I want to address.
To understand the love I want and feel, you have to understand the many ways we are pushed and pulled and conflicted. In my community, the people I align with recognize that.
They make me feel seen, alive and like my work is important and significant for those reasons. The people who just want to jump to the solution, thats not what I am in for.
These conversations and processing moments are what count.
Antonius: The margins make me think about how forced displacement oftentimes… Black and Asian artists, writers and theorists, etc., are the pillars of my foundation and continue to inform my shapeshifting.
From Audre Lorde, James Baldwin, Ocean Vuong, Mark Aguhar, Franny Choi - I have Lucille Clifton at all times now. That knowingness and solidarity.
"So then what is water? What can it be? The element, daily, ordinary, enduring. Extraordinary, shifting, expansive, A word for what one is thirsty for, desire. What can quench. What can be swum and what can not be swum. the Atlantic, Middle Passages. The distance between this and that. that which can be held for long in bare hands. But can be carried. The sky, the river, the rain, Knowing and unknowing. Ancestral. Elder. Our singular and plural and going on. " Lucille Clifton
Continue carrying one another through the devastation. One can only carry for so long, before they need help. It is a shared burden and it requires an alignment in how we define love, freedom and reconciliation.
For instance I got to work with Jess X Snow and work on a mural with them in New Haven. It was a mural for Ruth Wilson GIlmore, the abolitionist.
It is indescribable to live that solidarity. Being in public amaking and creating alongside a neighborhood leads to connections and creations. Presence with one another.
Lehna: How are you spending your time with yourself?
Antonius: Sitting in the discomfort is ok - reminding each other what we have and what we are building together.
If I cant get through this with the love of my life, how can we do this with the larger society?
We get through it and its only thanks to the extended community in our lives.I know but sometimes I want to be told by others.
Often it is other Black & Asian folks. Lets look at our responses and reactions, slowing down, redownloading.
Getting to know each other's histories. It really takes presence and conversation.
Theresa : What you are saying is real love. Really trying to see someone and intertwine.
A lot of the solidarity work is working together to fight up against something is a different kind of direction.
It's almost like mob mentality. It is hard to try to see anyone and be on the same wavelength.
That is the long lasting love that you are doing which I hope the creative community shares too.
There are different models of love. Communities should try to do that.
Lehna: Please share a word, phrase, blessings, or prayer that represents healing in your language.
Theresa: Nothing is lost. I felt self conscious being interdisciplinary and feeling nervous that I do many things like sound, sculpture, poetry. I feel like an imposter. I gravitate towards them because I do - its what I like.
Everything feeds into each other, I learned there is no need to dismiss myself. Learning to lean into my interdisciplinary nat7ure and applying it to my life. Reminding myself that I have time.
Antonius: Vietnamese term - Ôi trời ơi ! I say it a lot around other queer trans Vietnamese folks, like a drama - with exclamation marks! Ôi trời ơi embodies moods and occasions.
It can mean so many things,, a moment of judging like oh no you didn't.