So I am just focusing on the mini honeymoon we always have after he returns and sleeps a couple of days, plus the OT he gets is well worth the pain, especially in the winter when his regular fire dept. job makes it tight sometimes.
I have a special ringtone (pager sound) for my husbands calls and texts. No matter where I am, what I am doing. His call have absolute priority. Our husbands work is so intense, they need to know that we take care of whatever happens at home.
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I do believe communication is very important in a relationship but so is understanding. You need to be secure in your relationship with your FF. If you have this, it makes going days without hearing from him easier.
I use the time my ff is at work to do fun things with the kids, spend time with friends (do girlie stuff) and get the necessities taken care of. The only agreement we have is a phone call within an hour of him getting off work (I say hour to allot for late calls). The most important part of the day for me is when he comes home. I pray the morning never comes when instead of seeing him pull in the driveway, a chief shows up to notify me of an accident.
Thankfully I found this site and it helps me understand so much and appreciate him more. He is the love of my life and I want this to work and with the help of this site, I believe it will. So thank you for all the wonderful articles and advice and for helping me understand that his actions are normal in this lifestyle and that we really do have something special.
Even though my husband was volunteer for 31 yrs. most of his time was at the fire house I tried to remember what made me love him ! And thought of myself as the mistress ,not the wife. And that when he got home I had him !!! Not the wife. So every moment was quality time.
It gets stressfull. Vol Fireman have it a bit easier .but we still also have issues
. We run calls where we miss holidays and dinners. We are on call sometimes at the firehouse and during that time its run calls train eat sleep workout. For 5 years of my 10 years i was in a relationship engaged and everything was good.She used to run ems she understood.Everything changed when i got married. She wanted me to quit the fireservice..we moved out of the area i ran in. So yes i was going to.change houses but she wanted it done..No FOOLS nothing. I spent more time at home put us first but it came to.a point that.she because of other reasons we are seperated.I love the fie service i wont leave it. I spent much more. Time comsitrating on our marrage and at the end it bit me
.i wonder after being together 6 yrs why did it change i had apic of her in my helmet turnout gear and cubby..it has been confusing..
As a fire wife for 11 years now it is very hard planning the schedule and doing fun things without him. The kids miss him dearly and so do I. I still have days where I just need to hear his voice and talk and even if he just calls and says Hi and I love you,it is the best feeling in the world. When we first got married I had a tough time with him leaving for sometimes days at the fire department. But as we have got older I know it has to happen and I just go on with my days with the kids, sometimes we even stop in and say hi. I used to just LOVE being a Firemans wife, it was the title. But now I truly Love every part of being a Fire Wife. (Well maybe not so much when the volunteer pager goes off right before we are doing something special) But I deal and move on. FIRE WIFE FOR LIFE?????
Firefighting is a noble profession. And also one that takes an emotional toll sometimes at the expense of marriages and family life. Our Mission is to honor, strengthen, support and encourage fire service marriages and families.
Whether you are a firefighter or a significant other, male or female, struggling or just wanting to be a part of a good community that is positive, uplifting and supportive of your choices to honor your marriage and family, this is for you.
We got an email last week from someone who lost a friend. Not just any friend died, her best friend died. The kind of friend that is family. You know the kind of friend I mean. Here is a little clip from her email:
I have had a terrible time finding anything online about losing your best friend. She was my closest, dearest friend for 25+ years. We lived less than a mile apart. We were like Oprah and Gayle best friends, you know? We vacationed together, etc. She was never married and I'm divorced, so we didn't have the distraction of families. I have a son but she was childless and loved my son like her own. He's grown, though, so we were able to hang out daily as best friends often do when they're younger, before marriages, etc.
Of course she is right, we know she is certainly not the only person dealing with this. Yet off the top of my head, I couldn't remember reading many articles specifically on coping when a best friend dies. This, of course, inspired me to do a Google search to see what's out there. That turned up a few sites on losing a pet (your other best friend) . . .
Anyway, all of this is just to say that this post is not going to be about all the general ways to deal with grief. We have a zillion other posts on coping with grief in a zillion different ways. All types of loss have their unique challenges and this post is going to be about what makes dealing with the loss of a friend uniquely difficult. Ready?
Aristotle described deep friendship saying, "What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies". Plato reflected deeply and extensively on the nature of friendship and love. Thousands of years later, psychologists are helping us understand why friendship is so important.
We know from a review of 148 studies on friendship that there is a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships. Yup, people with good friends live longer and are healthier! Spending time with friends actually reduces stress in women by increasing their oxytocin levels, friendship has been linked with lower rates of hypertension and heart disease and women with breast cancer who had close friendships were found to live longer than those who did not.
I can throw all this friendship data at you, I can share the CS Lewis quote I love, Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival", but at the end of the day it is something that feels impossible to describe.
Friendship is deep and powerful and amazing, but it is hard to really explain why. If you have a close friend you just know what I mean. No surprise, when a friend dies, like when a family member dies, we don't "get over it". We learn to live with it. It may get different, it may get easier, but it is always with us.
You know that your friend is family, that you love them as deeply, maybe even more deeply than your brother or your mom. Plato and Aristotle knew. But society in general? That is another story. Society often values family relationships over friendships. There is a weight given to your relationship with your parents or siblings or grandparents or spouse that comes from the title alone.
Somehow talking about your bestie often doesn't feel like it carries that same weight. Ironically, your relationship with that friend may have been as, if not more, important. This can feel especially crappy when a friend dies and those around you don't give you the same support and validation that they would have had it been a family member.
This isn't always true, but if you didn't know your friend's family members they may not understand the nature or depth of your friendship. This could be because they didn't know you, your friend didn't talk with them about you. They might not get it for some of the same reasons society doesn't.
You may want to connect with them, share memories, and be part of memorial events. Unfortunately, they may not be as welcoming as you imagined. This can make an already impossible time feel even harder. You're left wanting to scream "I loved her as much as you did!!!!" at them.
This one always feels weird or self-involved to talk about it, but it is a fact so let's all just get over it. When people die it brings up our feelings about our own death. This can be especially true when it is someone who is "like" us and our friends are often "like" us. Research proves it - we are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, health, socio-economic status, education, and who are even genetically similar to us. For real! When they die it is a reminder that we will die and, who knows, it could be soon.
This is a complicated one because the reasons this can happen are broad. But it is important because when you are grieving it is often the time that you need support the most and, in some cases, it is the very time that support from other friends can feel hardest to come by for many reasons.
Your other friends may not know how to handle your grief, so they distance themselves. Or, you may all be grieving differently and are struggling to support each other. It is also not uncommon to feel a sudden need to distance yourself from your other friends.
No matter what the reason, it is important to think about how you can make efforts to maintain relationships or seek other support, so you don't fall into unhealthy isolation. A good place to start is assessing your support system.
And you know what, this is true. You will never have another friend exactly like the person you lost. Your friendship was as unique as the two of you. But this doesn't mean you won't have other wonderful, meaningful friendships.
When we grieve, there is often a pervasive fear of losing that connection to the person we lost. We worry that if we start to feel 'better' it means we are forgetting that person or moving on. With friendships, there can be a feeling that, if I let new friends in, I am forgetting or replacing the friend I lost.
Keep in mind, no one is ever going to replace your friend. Ever. You will have new friendships, they will be unique and close and amazing in their own way, but they will never be a replacement for the person who died. That said, opening yourself up to other friendships is a really good, really important thing. 152ee80cbc