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Michael B. Jordan on those Lupita Nyong'o dating rumors: 'I love her to death'

Michael B. Jordan is back in "Creed 2," the latest movie in the Rocky franchise with Sylvester Stallone. USA TODAY.

NEW YORK — Michael B. Jordan is happily single, thank you very much.

Since rocketing to fame in the "Creed" franchise and this year's "Black Panther," the Hollywood heartthrob has fielded countless questions about his love life.

Tabloids have linked him to Kendall Jenner, Instagram model Ashlyn Castro and most notably, Oscar winner Lupita Nyong'o, whose lovey-dovey appearances with Jordan during the "Black Panther" press tour had many on Twitter wishing they were more than friends.

"Black Panther" co-stars Lupita Nyong'o, left, and Michael B. Jordan were all heart eyes promoting the superhero blockbuster earlier this year. (Photo: Han Myung-Gu, Getty Images for Disney)

Sitting down with USA TODAY before "Creed II" hits theaters Wednesday, Jordan neither confirmed nor denied his rumored relationship with Nyong'o, insisting that fans are going to believe what they want regardless.

"They're writing their own soap opera that they want to see happen," Jordan says. "Me and Lupita? I love her to death. Beautiful girl, very talented. People write their own narratives — I don't have any control over that."

Jordan says he's "flattered" by his recently anointed "hunk" status, saying, "It's something you get used to. It's a humbling thing when people care about you."

"Creed II" star Michael B. Jordan poses for a portrait in New York. (Photo: Robert Deutsch, USA TODAY)

He laughs off thirsty public flirtations from Nicki Minaj and Tiffany Haddish, both of whom have name-dropped the actor during awards shows this past year. ("It's always like, 'Wow, I didn't see that one coming,' " he explains.) And although he assures that he isn't currently in a relationship, he's open to dating women outside the entertainment industry.

"I don't have any preferences when it comes to that, honestly," Jordan says. For him, it's "just (about) finding someone who can relate to what I'm going through and can understand what's going on. All the regular boxes that anybody would want to check off, count me down for those. I'm not really excluding anyone."

11 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist — and How to Get Out.

Narcissistic personality disorder isn’t the same as self-confidence or being self-absorbed.

When someone posts one too many selfies or flex pics on their dating profile or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, we might call them a narcissist.

But a true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s a mental health condition characterized by:

an inflated sense of importance a deep need for excessive attention and admiration lack of empathy for others often having troubled relationships.

What it boils down to, says licensed therapist Rebecca Weiler, LMHC, is selfishness at the (usually extreme) expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all.

NPD, like most mental health or personality disorders, isn’t black and white. “Narcissism falls on a spectrum,” explains Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish , author of “The Self-Aware Parent.”

The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist.

9 official criteria for NPD.

grandiose sense of self-importance preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions need for excessive admiration sense of entitlement interpersonally exploitative behavior lack of empathy envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

That said, knowing the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t usually make it easier to spot a narcissist, especially when you’re romantically involved with one. It’s usually not possible to determine if someone has NPD without the diagnosis of a qualified expert.

Plus, when someone is wondering if they’re dating a narcissist, they generally aren’t thinking, “Do they have NPD?” They’re wondering if how they’re being treated is healthy and sustainable in the long-run. Please avoid diagnosing your partner in conversation. Rather, read on to gain some insight into the health of your relationship.

You’re here because you’re concerned, and that concern is valid if your health is at stake. If you think these signs fit, we’ll also give you tips on how to handle the situation.

It started as a fairy tale. Maybe they texted you constantly, or told you they loved you within the first month — something experts refer to as “love bombing.”

Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you’ve just started seeing each other.

“Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina.

But as soon as you do something that disappoints them, they could turn on you.

And usually you’ll have no idea of exactly what you did, says Tawwab. “How narcissists treat you, or when they turn on you, actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own [beliefs].”

Weiler’s advice: If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown.

“If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t,” Weiler says. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.

“Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose,” says psychotherapist Jacklyn Krol, LCSW, of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace, PhD, MEd, BFA, BEd, adds that narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others.

They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. The warning is two-part here, says Grace. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you.

Ask yourself: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?

Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem.

“They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish for it,” she says. That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are.

“Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth, and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shirin Peykar, LMFT.

People-reading tip: Folks who are actually self-confident won’t solely rely on you, or anyone else, to feel good about themselves.

“The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,” Peykar says.

As Weiler explains it, “Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”

Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist, Walfish says.

“Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings,” she says.

Translation: They don’t do emotion that belongs to others.

Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad?

Walfish says that this inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, narcissists’ relationships eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.

Most narcissists won’t have any long-term, real friends. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances, buddies they trash-talk, and nemeses.

As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with yours. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have.

Questions to ask yourself.

How does your partner treat someone they don’t want anything from? Does your partner have any long-term friends? Do they have or talk about wanting a nemesis?

Maybe at first it felt like teasing…. but then it got mean or became constant.

Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them.

“They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny,” Peykar says. “Their goal is to lower other’s self-esteem so that they can increase their own, because it makes them feel powerful.”

What’s more, reacting to what they say only reinforces their behavior. “A narcissist loves a reaction,” Peykar says. That’s because it shows them that they have the power to affect another’s emotional state.

A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get away. “A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have,” Tawwab says.

They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality.

You no longer feel like the person you used to be. You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be. You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive. You feel like everything you do is wrong. You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong. You’re apologizing often. You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is. You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate. You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

“They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” Peykar says.

There are thousands of reasons someone might not want to label your relationship. Maybe they’re polyamorous, you’ve both agreed to a friends-with-benefits situation, or you’re simply keeping it casual.

But if your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.

Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they’re your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects who they deem superior.

In fact, you may notice that your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family, or your friends, says therapist April Kirkwood, LPC, author of “Working My Way Back to Me: A Frank Memoir of Self-Discovery.”

“If you speak up and own your feelings about their disrespect, they will blame you for causing a fuss, call you crazy, and use it as further reason not to commit fully to you. If you don’t say a word, [that also gives a] non-spoken message that you don’t deserve to be respected,” she says.

If it sounds like a lose-lose situation, that’s because it is. But remember that you deserve someone who is as committed to you as you are to them.

Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible.

“There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist, because they are always right,” Tawwab says. “They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.”

According to Peykar, you may be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner:

doesn’t hear you won’t understand you doesn’t take responsibility for their part in the issue doesn’t ever try to compromise.

While ending the relationship is the best game plan with a narcissist, Weiler advises on avoiding negotiation and arguments. “It will make you feel crazy. The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says.

And because they never think they’re wrong, they never apologize. About anything.

This inability to apologize could reveal itself in situations where your partner is obviously at fault, like:

showing up for a dinner reservation late not calling when they said they would canceling important plans last minute, like meeting your parents or friends.

Good partners are able to recognize when they’ve done something wrong and apologize for it.

As soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives.

“At first, they may love-bomb you. They’ll say all the right things to make you think they have changed,” Peykar says.

But soon enough, they’ll show you they never actually changed. And because of this, many narcissists find themselves in on-again, off-again romantic relationships until they find someone else to date.

If you insist that you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them, Peykar says.

“Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup,” she says.

The result? They might bad-mouth you to save face. Or they might start immediately dating someone else to make you feel jealous and help heal their ego. Or they’ll try to steal your friends.

The reason, says Tawwab, is because a good reputation means everything to them, and they won’t let anyone or anything interfere with it.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit.

Being in a relationship with someone who’s always criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you is emotionally exhausting. That’s why, for your own sanity, experts recommend to GTFO.

How to prepare for a breakup with a narcissist.

Constantly remind yourself that you deserve better. Strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends. Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality. Urge your partner to go to therapy. Get a therapist yourself.

“You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them,” Grace says.

“Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds.

Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.

“The best thing you can do is cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Offer no second chance. Break up with them and offer no second, third, or fourth chance,” Grace says.

Because a narcissist will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection, Krol recommends blocking them to help you stick with your decision.

Remember: This article isn’t meant to diagnose your partner. It’s meant to outline unacceptable behaviors and reactions in the context of a loving, equitable partnership. None of these signs point to a healthy relationship, NPD or not.

And having one or six of these signs doesn’t make your partner a narcissist. Rather, it’s good cause for reevaluating whether or not you’re thriving in your relationship. You’re not responsible for their behavior, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

Gabrielle Kassel is a rugby-playing, mud-running, protein-smoothie-blending, meal-prepping, CrossFitting, New York–based wellness writer. She’s become a morning person, tried the Whole30 challenge, and eaten, drunk, brushed with, scrubbed with, and bathed with charcoal, all in the name of journalism. In her free time, she can be found reading self-help books, bench-pressing, or practicing hygge. Follow her on Instagram .

Last medically reviewed on January 30, 2019.

Are You Dating a Narcissist? Here's How to Know For Sure.

Because you deserve better.

Yes, you know what the word "narcissist" means. Thing is, if you're thinking it just means a guy who exclusively brags about his trust fund and never asks you any questions on a date, you might miss the narcissist right in front of you.

Turns out, not all narcissists are insufferably entitled rich boys in sockless loafers. Plenty can seem like woke feminists who'll drink in every word you say more than any other man ever has. until they do a 180° and call you a bitch in the middle of a small fight. Yup! Dating a narcissist and unpacking his or her behavior can feel incredibly damaging and exhausting—so here's a handy list of 11 signs you need to move on:

1. They did everything to win you over. in the beginning.

If you're deeply confused as to how someone who used to text you nonstop and told you they loved you by date two suddenly seems rude and distant, that might be your first sign.

"Narcissists are masters of love bombing, where they make a potential partner feel as special as they possibly can," says Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., chair and professor of counseling and counselor education at Northern Illinois University.

And narcissists might be better at wooing you than someone who actually loves you, because they're motivated by winning you over instead of actually getting to know you. What can seem like the most romantic gestures or thoughtful gifts can simply be them studying you to know exactly how to be the "perfect" partner to you.

"Narcissists are adept at winning affection from their targets early on, but they have trouble maintaining long-term relationships," Degges-White says.

2. They're wildly selfish when they can get away with it.

When you're past the honeymoon stage of the relationship or simply around other people, a narcissist will be the most courteous, attentive partner. But when no one who matters is looking (which, down the line, includes you), they'll very openly put their needs above yours.

"Narcissists see people as objects and often leave their romantic partners feeling more like an accessory than a living, breathing, feeling partner," Degges-White says. She notes that a good sign to look out for is their motivation for buying you gifts–do they do it out of nowhere, for no reason, other than to make you smile? Or do they shell out on special occasions only or shower you with flowers after they screamed at you during a fight?

The first is a sign of a genuinely caring partner who thinks of you. The latter is someone buying your affection so you'll stay even when they're a total nightmare to be around.

3. They care more about your image as a couple than the relationship itself.

A narcissist's self-inflicted pressure to be flawless doesn't end with them–once you're his or her partner, you're obligated to fulfill the Insta-perfect ideal of the power couple he or she wants to be.

"Narcissists don’t focus on growth in a relationship."

"When a narcissist feels that they're losing face publicly, it creates a lot of inner distress because they cannot tolerate failure, and public humiliation is the worst type of failure [ to them]," says Degges-White. She adds that their ego is very fragile, so any perceived "attack" on their reputation makes them furious.

For example, say you get into a small, calm argument while you're out at dinner. Instead of addressing the conflict, a narcissist will get angry that you're "embarrassing them" in front of people they'll never see again. What started out as you asking them to please text when they're running late turns into a huge fight at home because you "ruined the whole night" by bringing it up in public.

"Narcissists don’t focus on growth in a relationship, because their own self-assessment confirms to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished," Degges-White says. They will always prioritize looking like a picturesque couple over actually addressing your needs.

4. They're constantly nitpicking everything you do.

When bae first met you, they loved EVERYTHING about you. Now, those same things–the sound of your laugh, your penchant for wearing Doc Martens, your love of bad reality TV–are a problem.

"Narcissists tend to hold some specific image of what they want their partner to be like and they don’t 'challenge you' to grow, they try to force your 'growth,'" Degges-White says. "What they are really trying to do is control your behaviors and your choices."

A warning sign: your partner being convinced that his or her point of view on how you should behave is 1000 percent right. Another thing to look out for is if they always criticize how you behave around friends–you made a joke that didn't land or accidentally cut someone off and you're a terrible, selfish person because of it.

Degges-White also notes that someone who actually cares about you checks in with you that you're on the same page about things you want to improve and work on (which is important in a relationship). They calmly discuss how they feel and reach a compromise with you instead of berating you for not falling in line.

5. It's literally impossible to argue with them.

The reason fights with narcissists are so volatile and deeply confusing is actually very simple: They're never wrong.

Degges-White says that while a narcissist may agree with your complaints in the dating phase of the relationship, that all goes away in time. "Disagreements and arguments are often highly lopsided–their partners plead with them to see things from another perspective, but narcissists are unable to accomplish a feat of this level of emotional maturity."

This is simply because narcissists believe they are done growing and that their version of the truth is ultimate and infallible. You could have screenshots of what they said to you earlier and they'll still find a way to say that's not reality or what they meant.

Degges-White says that narcissists are more likely to threaten breakups or give harsh ultimatums if you refuse to concede and apologize, even if you have serious doubts about being wrong at all. It's the ultimate form of gaslighting, and it happens all the time with them.

6. They're masters at making you think that.

As if explosive fights weren't bad enough, narcissists also have a knack for convincing you that you're actually the drama queen who starts all the conflicts, all the time.

"Narcissists are manipulators who have no qualms about twisting a partner’s words or actions in a way that would make the partner feel guilty or remorseful about things they have no reason to feel bad about," Degges-White says.

Just by bringing up an issue, you're "blowing everything up again." By calmly standing your ground and explaining your perspective, you're "stubborn" or "angry" or "crazy" or "selfish." They'll never get that they're the ones who refuse to compromise in any capacity and draw out fights because they can't handle ever being wrong.

7. They're repeatedly shitty to their friends, and don't have any close ones.

Narcissists don't really have friends as much as collector's items. They use their charm to form tons of surface-level friendships but do no work to maintain them, according to Degges-White.

"To be in an authentic relationship requires that a person is able to let down their guard," she says. "Narcissists are terrified of being seen as human as that would crack open the image that they try to project as 'super human.'”

A narcissist will blow people off with no explanation, counting on them to continually reach out to hang out. They'll never truly be there for a friend if it inconveniences them and doesn't make them look charitable or kind. And of course, that leaks into their romantic relationships.

8. They have a roster of "crazy exes."

By now, it's pretty common knowledge that if a guy calls his exes crazy, he's the one with the problem. And maybe "crazy" isn't so much used as "difficult," "had issues," "loved drama" when describing all their past partners.

Narcissists want to be perceived as the victim in all their relationships.

"Narcissists who are especially good at winning the affection and praise of others are likely to also have a lot of broken relationships," Degges-White says. Makes sense–being self-obsessed with your image is not exactly the foundation of a healthy relationship.

But she also says that narcissists want to be perceived as the victim in all their relationships, embellishing their great qualities while vilifying their exes to achieve that image. Anytime a narcissist's first comment on past relationships is what the ex did wrong over what they both might've struggled with is a good sign they haven't learned anything.

9. They're suddenly really sweet again the moment you show a hint of independence.

Narcissists are often dubbed emotional vampires for a good reason: they need your constant attention and affection to feel ok (but ironically, treat you like trash once they get their fix).

So naturally, when you go out with your friends more or spend some time on your own (very normal things), they panic. "If you try to claim some space for yourself, the narcissist may feel that you are trying to strip away part of their own identity," Degges-White says. "When you back away, they're going to try that much harder to reel you back into their lives."

In order to regain their sense of self-worth, narcissists may start showering you with gifts or simply being more warm and affectionate when you come home late. And tiny things, like forgetting to wear the necklace they bought you, can trigger this (or just another huge fight).

10. They lash out when they realize they're replaceable.

Eventually, you'll probably be put off by a narcissist's exhausting behavior and start to emotionally pull away for real. And that's when they get mad.

According to Degges-White, when they feel that they are losing you for good, they can do everything from flirt or cheat with someone to make you jealous, to threatening to leave first so they don't lose face.

Their actions are callous because your only value was to be an accessory, and now that you maybe aren't, bye bye. To them, it's better to be an outright asshole and break your heart over being the one who's left first, because it gives them the sense of control they simply can't live without.

11. Dating them makes you feel worse about yourself.

Based on everything on this list, you can probably guess that a narcissist is not going to make you feel great about yourself over time. The repeated criticism over the smallest issues, gaslighting in arguments, and inability to ever admit fault inevitably takes an emotional toll on someone who is empathetic and in the relationship to try and make it work.

"You may begin to accept that you are less than your partner and begin to belittle yourself and accept criticism as deserved, whether it really is or not," Degges-White says. This creates a codependent relationship: "The relationship can become something like a yoyo–you try to get some distance, but get sucked right back into the old patterns," she adds.

The only way you break the cycle is when the narcissist leaves you out of boredom or anger, or you spot these signs and get out of there (and possibly seek therapy to heal from the emotional damage). If you're reading this list and something in your gut just sank, know you deserve better and don't need to stay in this. There's a lot of love out there for you, but it'll never come from this person.

The Complicated Truth About Dating a Narcissist.

Linda* was elbow deep in dishes after dinner when she heard the sound of her cat hacking up a hairball. The 32-year-old had a choice: keep scrubbing the plates in the sink, or clean up the mess she knew was awaiting her in the living room. She chose wrong.

Linda’s husband had also heard the cat throw up, and he expected his wife to drop the dishes and get down on the carpet. When she didn’t, “he freaked out and started throwing dishes into the sink and screaming at me about how I was an idiot,” Linda tells SELF. “He did not talk to me for two or three days, even though I would ask him what was wrong. It was only when I broke down and apologized that he started to talk to me again.”

Three and a half years into their marriage—and 13 years into their relationship—Linda and her husband sought the help of a therapist, who diagnosed the man with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). As defined by the Mayo Clinic, NPD is “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.”

His constant manipulation, his verbal attacks on Linda—only to switch to playing the victim moments later—and his gaslighting tactics all pointed the therapist to the diagnosis, Linda says. "I did not believe it at first because, after being with someone for that long, I wanted to believe that he was a good person and I had invested in something that was real," she admits. "But when I heard the words from the therapist … I just felt relieved."

Dating a narcissist can be a confusing, miserable experience that slowly erodes a person's sense of self-worth. But it's not always easy to tell whether the person you're dating simply has certain personality flaws or is an actual narcissist. It often seems easier to try to ignore the signs, blame yourself for their behavior, or try as hard as possible to keep the peace, as Linda did—anything but admit the person you love may have NPD.

When psychologists diagnose NPD, they look for the following features, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) published by the American Psychiatric Association.

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it Exaggerating achievements and talents Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people Requiring constant admiration Having a sense of entitlement Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations Taking advantage of others to get what you want Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others Being envious of others and believing others envy you Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner.

While most people may seem to exhibit hints of narcissism here and there, people with NPD cross the line of healthy confidence and believe they are more important than everyone else all of the time. “Someone with NPD will exhibit these traits on a continuous basis, across all situations, and not feel bad about it,” Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., a Los Angeles–based psychologist and author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! , tells SELF.

The first seeds of narcissism are sewn in infancy, Raymond says. Being focused on your immediate needs and wants is normal at this stage. While most people grow out of this neediness by adulthood, narcissists “are insatiable with regard to having care and attention on demand,” Raymond says, adding that this is often rooted in neglectful parents or those who prioritize their own needs instead of their children’s.

According to data sourced from a study of more than 34,600 adults, about 6 percent of the U.S. population has NPD, with rates greater for men (7.7 percent) than for women (4.8 percent).

Hazel*, 28, tells SELF of when she first noticed her boyfriend’s grandiosity. “He was born on the Fourth of July, and he believed that destined him to greatness,” she says. “On one of our first dates, he compared himself to Alexander the Great and Napoleon, saying, 'I was born at the wrong time. Alexander the Great and Napoleon had conquered worlds by my age.'" Although remarks like this point to narcissism, they're easy to ignore when you're infatuated, or to even view as a funny display of a partner's confidence.

Research published in 2013 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology may shine a light on why narcissism isn't always easy to spot at first. The findings suggest there are two different dimensions of narcissism, and they can affect relationships differently over time.

Through a series of seven studies using different methodological approaches, researchers analyzed narcissists’ exhibition of "admiration" and "rivalry" dimensions. Admiration behaviors represent narcissism's charming, self-assured, and entertaining qualities, and are associated with greater short-term satisfaction in relationships. Rivalry behaviors are the sum of narcissism’s exploitative, selfish, and insensitive characteristics, and are the driving force behind unhappiness in long-term relationships with a person who has NPD.

Linda experienced both of these extremes. “When we first started dating, he showered me with compliments, told me how important I was to him, and put me up on a pedestal,” she says. "I now know that this isn't normal behavior—there's a difference between communicating with someone and getting to know them, and smothering that person."

Jamie*, 46, tells SELF that her former husband used to ruin every holiday, seemingly without remorse. One Christmas in particular stands out: “I love to have friends and family around me during the holidays, and so I had invited one of my best friends over for Christmas Eve dinner,” she says. But “my narcissist [husband] laid a huge guilt trip on me about making this Christmas special and spending it with just us. After yet another argument, I called my friend to uninvite her.”

Not only was Jamie’s friend upset, her husband still wasn’t happy: “Instead, he complained about everything—down to the board games we played after dinner—and left in a huff, yelling at me for not noticing that he was so unhappy.” His haughty behavior and exaggerated sense of self-importance are classic signs of NPD, our experts say.

Are You Dating a Narcissist?

You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are skilled at making people like them. They can be very alluring and charming and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has greater incentive to win you over — sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar.

Narcissists are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually appealing. We’re drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success. Their company can be pleasurable and never boring.

Dating as a Game.

Although some narcissists seek long term relationships, others are expert game-players. Their goal is to win. “The chase is better than the catch.” Their objective is to receive admiration and get their sexual needs met with little emotional investment. Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as they’re getting their narcissistic supply. The closer you get, the more they equivocate. They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless needs for supply. They check out other prospects and flirt right in front of you.

Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their expertise as manipulators. They’re skilled at deception to achieve their aims, sometimes consciously, but at other times, it’s just their style. They may even believe they’re being sincere. Although in reality, they’re self-centered and emotionally unavailable , initially they may be generous and good listeners. They may even appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal, intimate information. This is a tactic of their seduction strategy. Among their manipulative tactics are flirtation, flattery, and finesse.

Women narcissists are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. Then they play cat and mouse, make them jealous, or act nonchalant to hook men into pursuing them. Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fine-dining, and a classy lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love-bombing and shower their partners with attention verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are hard to resist.

Dating Revolves Around the Narcissist.

It’s natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who are lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealization can feed our denial of red flags that should caution us to put on the breaks. It’s also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We may appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and we’re happy to go along.

We don’t notice that the relationship is developing on the narcissist’s terms. Whereas we seek to please, to them compromise is a painful loss of power. If we complain, they may act offended and say they’re doing everything for us, but never bother to ask what we want. They like to be in control, and before we know it, we’ve allowed them to control when, where, and what we do and with whom. At the start we go along for the sake of being together, but later out of fear. This is particularly perilous for codependents who easily give up themselves and their friends and activities in new relationships.

A corollary codependent behavior is not objecting to the narcissist’s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we might not express anything that could negatively impact the relationship in order not to rock the boat. When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear, and like Echo , we only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear. We’re not letting him or her know the negative impact of their behavior, so they have no incentive to change. Accommodating a narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match.

Martha Meador, MS, LPC.

Natalie DeJarnette, LPC, NCC.

Donna Shoop, M.Ed, LPC, NCC.

Ronald Perry, LICSW.

Christina Lacey, LMFT.

Tracy Taub, LMSW.

What to Look For.

Of course, it’s their positive, not negative, qualities that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy. Believe them. Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding, admit that there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves. For example, narcissists often come on strong. They work hard to make you like them in order to get their needs me rather than build a relationship based on knowing you, which doesn’t interest them.

It’s common for narcissists to have outbursts of anger. A small disagreement can quickly erupt into a major conflict. They won’t take responsibility. Everything is someone else’s fault, and that includes us. But even if they treat you wonderfully, notice if they denigrate their ex, act entitled, or are inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning of other people. Assume one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Don’t excuse bad behavior toward you or other people. It’s a pattern.

In the beginning, we’re fascinated by their achievements, their stories and entertaining banter. As time goes on, it’s clear that the conversation is all about them. Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we won’t be heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic. They always have to be right and won’t listen to a differing opinion. If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t really seem interested in us, except long enough to get their sexual and emotional needs met. Notice if you feel disengaged, invisible, patronized, or drained by the conversation.

Before long, narcissists will find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way . Perfectionistic narcissists are the most difficult. For example, a narcissistic woman might try to makeover her man and tell him how to dress. A male narcissist might focus on his girlfriend’s physical appearance. If we express hurt, narcissists will say that they’re being helpful or that we’re too sensitive. At first, we might overlook criticism, especially if it’s delivered in a teasing or calm manner and we’ve been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. In time, demeaning remarks will become more frequent, overt and callous.

When control is extreme, narcissists might interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends. They might insist we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.

A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling that we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings are unimportant. If when we share something sad or important to us, our partner doesn’t show appropriate emotional responses, it may signal a lack of empathy.

Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents, because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs. Our low self-esteem, desire to please, and denial of our needs and feelings make a relationship with a narcissist feel familiar and comfortable … for a while. This may be because we have an abusive parent who didn’t value our needs and feelings. Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that we’re able to receive real love.

9 Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.

We all know someone who is just a little too ‘into’ themselves. One too many Instagram flexes and booty shots, someone who loves to talk about themselves on a first date, these are the people we regularly label as a narcissist. But while these aren’t exactly desirable traits, that doesn’t necessarily make the purveyor a narcissist. Instead, it’s more likely this person just has an over-inflated ego and heightened self-worth, which might make you unlikable but ultimately harmless. True narcissists are people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD); a mental health condition characterised by some common factors. It’s true, the word gets thrown around a lot nowadays, but it pays to really know what is a narcissist and you can avoid dating one.

What is a Narcissist?

Aside from being tricky to live with, those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder will follow familiar patterns. Most notably, a narcissist is identifiable by their;

Lack of empathy for others Inflated sense of importance Deep need for excessive attention and admiration Perpetually troubled relationships.

But while we have been incorrectly labelling the egotistical people as narcissists, the traits that characterise the personality disorder are inherent in all of us. “Narcissism fuels the confidence to take risks, like seeking a promotion or asking out an attractive stranger,” therapist, relationships expert and author Marianne Vicelich tells Man of Many. “The dysfunction might be related to identity or self-direction or cause friction in relationships due to problems with empathy and intimacy. It may also arise from pathological antagonism characterised by grandiosity and attention-seeking. A narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive disturbance in a person’s ability to manage his or her emotions, hold onto a stable sense of self and identity, and maintain healthy relationships in work, friendships and love.”

Official Criteria for NPD.

The narcissist meaning is one that is inherently confusing, but it seems we now have some clarity. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental Disorders has outlined nine key criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The official criteria for NPD includes;

Grandiose sense of self-importance Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love Belief they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions Need for excessive admiration Sense of entitlement Interpersonally exploitative behaviour Lack of empathy Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes.

Even though we now have an official guide to spotting a narcissist, it’s not always easy to pinpoint the less-empathetic among us, particularly in a romantic setting. After all, who goes on a date and asks themselves if they think the person on the other side of the table is a narcissist? “Many people who consider themselves to be excellent judges of character can have a difficulty in seeing a narcissist for who they really are,” Vicelich says. “Their true identity may eventually reveal itself to some, but to most others, narcissists may appear driven, charismatic, ambitious, disciplined and even fun. They also display attributes of glibness, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and emotional unavailability. Charles Manson, Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini were all very passionate, charismatic, intelligent, successful guys who also displayed narcissistic traits.”

What Causes Narcissistic Traits?

For those with NPD, the narcissistic traits they possess are ingrained. While it’s not fully understood how a person becomes a narcissist, there are some common background issues, many of which can be observed from early puberty. “Usually, a parent gave excessive pampering in childhood years. They might have come from a broken home, having abandonment issues that forced them to rely only on themselves,” Vicelich says. “These people have substituted the lack of love and support from a parent by overemphasising their own self-worth. Narcissistic personality disorder seems to affect more males than females.”

But even though the list of famous narcissists is headlined by dictators and cult leaders, not all those who exhibit the common traits are motivated by fame or money. It’s important to make this distinction in the dating arena. If you focus too much on the stereotype, you’ll often miss the red flags that aren’t directly related to vanity or greed. “Some narcissists may be of the communal variety and actually devote their lives to helping others,” Vicelich explains. “They are grandiosely altruistic martyrs, self-sacrificing and big-noting themselves at all times. And there are highly introverted, or vulnerable narcissists. These individuals feel they are more temperamentally sensitive than others. They react poorly to gentle criticism and need constant reassurance. Narcissists feel superior to others and they are not necessarily satisfied with themselves as a person.”

Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.

It’s an interesting disorder that can be altruistically confusing. On one hand, narcissists can be magnetic and highly skilled at attracting people. Their charm can be seductive, their charisma can light up a room, and their confidence can be comforting, which is why so many people fall into the trap of dating them. “Narcissists are smart, which is why they are so skilled at getting what they want. These traits draw us in for good reason,” Vicelich says. “The seductive traits are the ones that block our ability to detect red flags. They play into our vulnerabilities and egos, and we end up being pulled so deep in.”

So, if you are wondering if you are dating a narcissist, you’re in luck. We asked Vicelich for advice on uncovering the real situation at play and she gave us a full rundown.

Here is a list of 9 signs you are dating a narcissist.

1. Lack of Empathy.

A lack of empathy may be the key defining characteristic of a narcissistic person. “It is the inability to identify with or recognise the experiences and feelings of other people. Everything is about them and belongs to them,” Vicelich says. “They smoothly overstep the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating to bend others to their desires.”

From a basic perspective, a narcissist does not care or understand how other people feel and rarely considers other people’s feelings in their actions or words. This can manifest itself in physical or verbal ways. For example, a narcissist will often say cruel things in an offhanded manner, remaining oblivious to the pain they cause with their words. “It is not unusual for them to launch into a one-way discussion about what they are doing, without any regard or even inquiring about how the other person feels,” Vicelich explains. “They become highly impatient or even annoyed when other people share their problems.”

2. Manipulative.

Another weapon in the arsenal, manipulation is a major sign that you could be dating a narcissist. The ability to twist the situation to better suit their narrative is a poignant personality trait that all egotistical people possess. It can be exhausting for those in the relationship. “When a person is so skilfully manipulative, you may find yourself falling into their trap and remaining relatively unaware it is happening,” Vicelich explains. “Years later you will connect the dots, the manipulation is clear as day, but we often miss it. Narcissists are masters at getting what they want, and because they have no empathy, they may not care what it costs to someone else. They deviously use manipulation as a tool to get their most essential needs met, which are typically attention, validation, and status.”

3. Projection.

A clear cut sign you are dating a narcissist is the psychological trick known as projection. A narcissist will accuse someone else of doing what they are doing or will call out their flaws and fears in someone else; more often than not, the person who is cheating accuses his partner of cheating. “Projection is a defence or an unconscious pattern that occurs when the person feels psychologically threatened. The narcissistic ego is always monitoring the world for threats and often finds them. Then they quickly blame other people for their deficits,” Vicelich says.

“Projecting is frustrating because your partner is actually accusing you of doing things you aren’t actually doing. These projections are not just about cheating and betrayal, they can be about the narcissists own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They are likely to be accusing you of what they are doing or feeling.”

4. Emotionally Cold.

It’s not a huge surprise, but narcissists are continually shallow with their emotions, meaning they don’t do well with emotions. “To be with an emotionally cold partner often means not being comforted, sometimes during the most difficult days in our lives,” the relationships expert explains. “The emotionally cold or distant trait rears its head during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just checks out and does not respond – or does in a cold manner. The emotional coldness can be confusing for you and may result in attempts to jump through hoops to generate warmth and connection with your partner.”

5. Gaslighting.

This is a term that has been gathering pace over the past few years, and people are suddenly realising the link to narcissism. From a historical perspective, the term arose from the 1930’s play Gas Light , where a husband, in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, keeps turning down the gas-powered lights in the house. When the wife asks why he is dimming the lights, he denies it and says they are no dimmer. Over time, she finds herself going mad.

“Gaslighting qualifies as a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened’ or ‘you are too sensitive’,” Vicelich says. “The gaslighter uses techniques such as withholding or stonewalling, contradicting, or diversion, when you bring up something that concerns you and your partner turns it into something you said years before or deflects it and describes it as a conspiracy. They also minimise your feelings and denies events that definitely occurred. The damage of gaslighting is that it is confusing, isolating, and often results in you questioning your own reality. You may find yourself constantly apologising and no longer as relaxed and joyful as you once were.”

6. Never Takes Responsibility.

Being in a relationship is a partnership, there should be give and take in every aspect. Part of this means accepting when you are wrong and taking things as they come, two things narcissists generally struggle with. “They are master deflectors and try to avoid the blame with lying, cheating, and everything in-between. They will make up complex excuses and rationalise anything,” Vicelich says.

“When someone never takes responsibility for anything, words, actions, feelings – it is challenging if not an impossible way to maintain a relationship. Even pre-school aged children are asked to take responsibility for a broken crayon or toys left out. It is not too much to ask a person to take ownership. Since they are unable to distinguish the boundary between responsibility and blame, narcissists attempt to avoid both. Genuine acceptance of responsibility is very unlikely to be issued by a narcissist and you can wear yourself out by waiting for it.”

7. Controlling.

The term ‘control freak’ gets thrown around a lot, but it’s a key narcissistic trait. What makes the situation even more frustrating is that often the narcissist is controlling you while remaining completely disinterested in the other aspects of your life. Like many other traits, the other person in a relationship can mistake control for affection. It’s natural to want to be involved in your partner’s life, but it’s not healthy to dictate it.

“Control is often a part of abuse dynamics in relationships, the control culminates to the point where a person feels like they cannot move without asking for permission, and the narcissist uses control to isolate the person,” Vicelich says. “The most common manifestations of this relationship control are a partner monitoring your whereabouts at all times, checking your emails and text messages, criticising your appearance, and making nearly all important decisions, with little regard for your opinion.”

8. Grandiose.

“Grandiosity is a pattern in which a person tends to exaggerate accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. They do not have to be real experiences, grandiose people tend to maintain over-the-top fantasy worlds,” Vicelich says. “Grandiosity can also be manifested by a sense of self-importance – a belief that their existence is bigger and more important than anyone else’s and certainly more important than yours. ”

In the case of famous narcissists like Stalin and Hitler, the purveyor may already be in a position of power. They may hold a leadership role, be famous, or have accumulated wealth. “The grandiosity is a permanent fixture and they will repeatedly boast about their accomplishments, their possessions, and their experiences,” the author says. “Grandiosity is seductive and can turn your partner into something ‘larger than life,’ so that when things are going well, it can feel perfect.”

9. Infidelity.

Sadly, the culmination of the previous eight signs will inevitably lead to a final, or habitual act of betrayal; they will cheat. “Their need for admiration and novelty is so vast that they are wired to be unfaithful – affairs are typically characterised by excitement, flattery, and superficial grandiosity,” Vicelich says. “They may keep a steady relationship with you, and cultivate other needs outside the relationship.”

How to Break Up with a Narcissist.

If this list has hit a little too close to home and you’re starting to realise your relationship might not be a perfect as you once thought, it’s time to have a discussion, with your partner and with yourself. A big reason why you are dating a narcissist is your own self-worth. Narcissists will find people who struggle with confidence, manipulating the situation to make you feel helpless and worthless without them. The first step in overcoming the issue is reminding yourself that you deserve better.

Just as narcissists move in familiar patterns, so too do victims. It pays to strengthen your relationships with empathetic friends, building a solid support network with your close relationships. Talk it out with your partner and consider therapy. Most of all, you shouldn’t be wary of love.

“After an experience with a narcissist, you may learn to look at the less charismatic, but far kinder people who may be less obvious,” Vicelich says. “Be aware of your vulnerabilities and start looking for the qualities that make for a better long term partner – compassion, kindness, respect, and empathy – rather than the qualities of charisma and charm.”

Marianne Vicelich is a self-love therapist, relationship coach and the author of twelve published self-help books. Her latest book DESTRUCTION explores the need to re-evaluate draining relationships with partners, colleagues, bosses, family members and friendships.

General FAQs.

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

What are the 9 traits of a narcissist?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the nine traits of a narcissist are; grandiose sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions, need for excessive admiration sense of entitlement, interpersonally exploitative behaviour, lack of empathy envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them, and demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes.

Can a narcissist love you?

A narcissist can disassociate from painful feelings and self soothe to protect themselves from hurt. This may, in turn, push away feelings of love that they may feel for someone.

DATING A NARCISSIST: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Dating a narcissist has high highs and low lows. It will make you feel on top of the world one minute and then, questioning your worth, reality, and intuition the next.

Here’s what you need to know about dating a narcissist…

Keep in mind: ALL narcissists are emotionally unavailable. They are disconnected from their emotions and have zero ability to empathize. ANYONE can fall for a narcissist. But only those with low self-esteem who need validation like oxygen will start dating a narcissist and continue to STAY. They will refuse to “give up” on a narcissist because they gave up on themselves a long time ago. They put all of their eggs in the “I’m going to be cool/smart/sexy enough for them to change/commit” basket. Narcissists are not capable of mutual relationships. They are only capable of self-serving transactions. Listening to the actions (which make up the patterns ) of a narcissist is imperative. Their words mean nothing and will drive you crazy. Any words you speak, excuses you make for them in the name of unconditional love, understanding, etc., will ultimately be used against you. Dating a narcissist makes you want to get off of your white horse for good. You have to stay on though because once you’re off, the narcissist will step back/recoil/give you the silent treatment and then, use your reactivity and unraveling against you. They’ll shine a spotlight on your reaction to their bs and use it as irrefutable proof that YOU need help, not them. Before you know it, you’re apologizing to them for having a human reaction to inhumane behavior. Narcissists love this turn-around-deflection dynamic because it allows them to further victimize themselves, never experience any real consequences, and continue their all-important, all-about-me behavior. Remember, the crazier they can get you to look, the more in-control they become. Your reactivity is caviar for their ego. Narcissists are experts in emotional Chinese Water Torture. They keep dripping the proverbial water on you. And when you can’t take it anymore, they’ll say “Whoa! Re-LAX. That was just water! It’s non-toxic and it’s natural! What’s your problem? I was baptizing you with my love; guess you don’t want it. You have some real issues. Maybe you should go talk to someone.” You are left feeling even worse about yourself and crazy. So, you take responsibility for your partner’s behavior, further blame yourself, apologize, and beg for the water again. No matter how cool and care-free they so desperately try to appear, narcissists are image and control freaks. Narcissists are energetic and emotional vampires, who will passively suck the energy, the empathy, and the sanity out of you. And then, they will finger point and make you feel ashamed for being depleted of all three. Looking back, I think I had such a hard time accepting that I was dating a narcissist because that meant I would have to accept that my parents had a certain level of narcissism. It also forced me to address my own narcissism. Just because I wasn’t what I call a “direct narcissist,” I was very reverse narcissistic. I was making the selfish actions of a narcissistic people all about how I was not enough. I was making everything about me, just like the narcissists I was attracted to. There is no need to EVER worry that after dating a narcissist, he/she will become a better person with a new partner who’s everything you’re not. Narcissists are highly insecure people whose emotional development was arrested when they were given conditional love, abandoned, betrayed, abused, or bullied as a child. They were traumatized in some way; we all were. And as heartbreaking as that is, the fact that they don’t see themselves as ever in the wrong and use their romantic relationships to revisit the scene of an emotional crime just so they can be a manipulative puppet master (or a convienient victim when it serves them) is downright TOXIC. They thrive on creating a grandiose image of themselves and controlling that image at all costs. But because they are so insecure deep down, they can never keep up with the image that they portray. Eventually, they reveal who they really are: a shell of a person who will only ever be compatible with people whose levels of self-esteem are just as low as theirs. Narcissists are unable to operate from a place of love – for themselves or others. They operate from a place of fear. And the only way to keep that fear in check is to control other people (in the form of gaslighting, blaming, deflecting, chain yanking, mixed signaling, swooping in and out of your life, hot one minute cold the next, etc). If they know that you feel responsible for their feelings… that’s all they need. To them, it’s as good as going to bed with you. Control is the only thing that will truly turn a narcissist on. They’ll lose “respect” for those that they can control and will always like the idea of a partner who has boundaries, but they’ll always default back to the ones they can control. Without it, their ego can’t survive. If you’re dating a narcissist, you will never truly know how they feel about because they are always inconsistent: hot/cold/; yes/no/maybe. This “unknowing” keeps you invested because the more ambiguity they create (with a few crumbs of clarity here and there), the more “curious” you become. This causes you to become delusional enough to believe that if you turn your head for a hot minute, they’ll transform into the man/woman of your dreams. When you break up after dating a narcissist, it feels so much more excruciating than with anyone else. Your boundaries and expectations have been bartered down to such a low level, you feel like you have no identity or purpose. And rejection plants the seeds for FBI stalking obsession. Often, narcissists will disappear all of a sudden or break up with you and not contact you at all. Narcissists know how much ghosting paralyzes you. So, as long as they can keep you thirsty in the emotional desert, they have you primed to welcome them back into your life at any moment with their crumbs. They do this to keep you secured as a bench-warming option, do even less for you than they did in the relationship, and STILL get the sexual/emotional/financial benefits of having you as a partner (without the commitment, investment, or the monogamy on their end). By keeping you in this state of starvation, they know that you’ll never be totally done with them. If you ever did decide that you were totally done with them, they wouldn’t know what to do with that loss of control. So, they have to weaken your defenses to ensure their egoic survival (remember, deep down they feel insignificant and worthless). Narcissists don’t care about anything but control. Everything has to be on their terms. You can never “scare” them into thinking that “this is it” or that you’re leaving or moving on. They know better. They’ve conditioned you to be their 24-hour emotional/sexual/excuse-making/cheerleading, ATM. REMEMBER this: it takes a narcissist to be attracted to one. I am NOT AT ALL saying that you are an empathetically bankrupt narcissist who is selfish and thinks that he/she is all-important. You HAVE compassion and empathy (the compassion you have for yourself is what got you to this blog). What I am saying is that (this is a term that I totally made up and this is my non-professional opinion), you are a reverse narcissist. You truly believe that other people’s hurtful, deceitful, and heartbreaking behavior is ALL about YOU not being good enough. You internalize the narcissistic behavior of others. And no matter what angle you view it from, that’s STILL making it all about you. The only difference is that reverse narcissists have the ultimate game-changer that conventional narcissists do not: they have empathy (professional term: Empath). Empathy is an incredible thing to have, but you can’t truly give it if you’re not getting it from yourself (which is why I started using the term “reverse narcissist”). Work on your reverse narcissism by consistently having your own back and WATCH how your life transforms. You’ll soon stop being attracted to narcissists like a fly to horse sh*t. There ARE good men/women out there. You just have to be good to yourself, first and foremost.

Dating a narcissist? Here are the only ways you will ever be able to keep a relationship going with them:

Accept that the relationship is 100% on their terms. Make it ALL about them and their needs. Never about you or yours. Never question them, their decisions, or their behavior. You can’t love yourself, have your own back, or regard yourself in a healthy manner. Ever. If you do, you should feel guilty about it. Accept their hurtful actions and behavior as an indication that you need to be better. Never, I repeat NEVER think that you are enough. Take all of the blame and apologize for everything. Never have any kind of discussion about your relationship or where it’s going. Recreate bad, disconnected porno sex in the bedroom and don’t ever voice any of your sexual desires. You must always downplay your intelligence, looks, success, and accomplishments so that he/she can feel more secure. Understand that he/she will always (either directly or indirectly), compete with you (and you must always lose). You must have a Ph.D. in pedestal building of him/her, door matting of yourself, and under-the-rug brushing. You must keep giving and giving so that they can keep taking and taking. Never age or gain weight. Accept that he/she needs A LOT of validation from others (not just you), to keep their pseudo-self-importance parade going. Do not try to compete or ever be number one. You will be made to look crazy. Accept that he/she will never be able to consistently value you because they don’t value themselves. If they did, they would understand that they are enough – independent of all of the superficial minutia (that they think legitimizes them).

Is there a silver lining in any of this?

The silver lining in dating a narcissist is that they always reflect what we need to work on: loving ourselves and healing un-dealt with trauma. They also make us address our own reverse narcissism because really, who would ever waste their time dating a narcissist other than a (reverse)narcissist?

I know that somewhere deep inside of you…

You have the ability to truly love yourself. You have the ability to empathize with yourself; to be in a mutual relationship with yourself first, and to authentically connect with and truly love others who are deserving of your time, enerygy, and love. I know it.

Instead of subscribing to the “Why me? Why am I not good enough?” dialogue, know this: the narcissist was put in your path not as an indicator of your lack of value but as a spiritual northern star.

And we all know what northern starts do, don’t we? They are there to guide us; to point us in the direction of where we need to be. NOT to be the Happily Ever After, end-all-be-all.

If you recognize dating a narcissist as the northern star that he/she IS, you’ll be open to the motivation that your involvement with them provides – motivation to work on loving yourself, owning your decisions, acting on your intuition, and having your own back.

There’s no need to get off your white horse and retaliate. You realizing your worth is their karma.

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.