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What you want to know about dating in your 30s.
Are you in your 30s and ready to meet someone new? EliteSingles take you through the real deal about dating in your 30s. No, it’s not the same as the youthful days being fresh on the block. But yes, it’s possible plausible and even preferable to meet your person still.
Dating in your 30s takes on a different tone. Suddenly you’re not a carefree 20-something anymore, and adulting starts to take over in full force. Your lifestyle shifts to a more settled routine, and maybe you’re also a little surer of yourself, comfortable in your own skin, and know what you’re looking for. Having done your time kissing the frogs, you’ve got your eyes set on more of a prince charming than a party kingpin. As experts in the area of real relationships, EliteSingles breaks down what you want to know about being 30 and single.
The telling truths: 10 reasons why dating in your 30s is different.
Dating in your 30s brings into a play a new set of rules. Here are 10 things you wish someone had told you about making the best of being single and 30. If you play it right, the best bit is that dating in your 30s can be like having your cake and eating it too.
1. Ain’t nobody got time for that: It turns out once you reach the post 30 age group, time becomes a more valued commodity. Life is busy and adulting is demanding. There is no time to waste on dead-end dates, and you find yourself choosing quality connections over a larger quantity of good time get-togethers!
2. Deal breakers are actually a real thing: When you were 21, if he didn’t want children, or if she wanted to travel for a few years, it wasn’t a big deal. It was hot and you were having fun. Now your relationships tend to have more of a future focus and if your goals and values aren’t in line, it’s not worth hanging around for.
3. It’s a bit of a pressure cooker: As the years have passed, friends have settled down, married off and are now even having children. Your younger self got away without the needling questions at family functions and jokes about when you’re going to meet your match. Between friends trying to set you up and family constantly reminding you that the clock is ticking, the pressure can be rather unpleasant. Know that you’re not alone in it!
4. Game playing is passé: Guys have a notorious reputation for game playing, but both single men and single woman have engaged in the power play of casual dating from time to time. Feeling hard to get can be a great ego boost, but dating in your 30s is about cutting to the chase. Being more comfortable in your skin, it’s about playing to win a partner, not a power play! Dating in your 30s is about getting real!
5. You’ve got the dating landscape dialed: The great thing about dating in your 30s is that you know the ropes by now. You know if he’s too smooth it’s not actually charming – and understand your own boundaries and preferences better too – so you don’t need to chase him around the club for affirmation. A little older and wiser, you can meet people and read the tell-tale signs with a bit more ease and expertise than a twenty-year-old.
6. The playing field has changed: There is a shift that takes place slowly over the years. As friends pair off, your social circle changes and there is a shift with time and life lived – singles in this age group adjust to a new understanding about meeting new people. Looking for something a little more serious, the rules are different. Don’t be late, ghosting is for kids, share real details on your dating profile and basic manners go a long way.
7. It’s tough stuff out there: At times it can feel like a hard slog out there. For women, the sporadic comment referring to the infernal tick-tock of your biological clock or for men, feeling like all the single ladies are already off the market, means that dating in your 30s is tough stuff sometimes. After a long day of work, it’s easier to sit on the sofa than head out for happy hour, but you still want to meet the elusive partner you hope to build a life with. The double whammy of being a little more selective and the dating pool now being a little sparse can make it much harder to meet a sexy, suitable single. We get it. Sometimes it’s going to be frustrating.
8. Age appropriate etiquette: It’s a good idea to know how to coordinate a grown-up date. Although dancing until the early hours is still fun from time to time, you would probably prefer a classy bar for a quiet drink to get to know each other, and if you make it to a dinner date, make a little effort to put your best foot forward. That doesn’t necessarily mean fine dining, but the mass market chain down the road is not the best way to impress your date.
9. Lost in transition: It’s ok to feel a little lost in transition. Being 30 and single is maybe not what you imagined for yourself and you’re still figuring it all out. You’re not quite old yet, but you don’t feel young anymore either. The hangovers last all weekend and you’re saving for a long haul holiday or even your starter home. Long gone are the days of blowing your salary on clothes, cocktails and clubs. Finding your niche is part and parcel of growing up so keep an open mind and enjoy what you learn along the way.
10. Dating apps can now do the legwork: Dating apps are a game changer. The uptake has been so significant that today 1 in 3 marriages start off online. No more standing around a bar sipping on a Chardonnay hoping prince charming will walk in. Now you can sort and select your matches from the comfort of your couch. Admittedly, online dating has a bad rep for swiping your way straight to one night stands. But you have a wide choice of free dating apps to a premium dating service, like EliteSingles. Finding and meeting real people is now more accessible with access to the best dating apps and matchmaking algorithms out there! That’s a wrap on the honest truths about dating in your 30s. And as promised, it’s not all doom and gloom. Knowing the dating deal, you can take all the wins and losses in your stride and save yourself from time wasters and heartbreakers. So how do you get your love life off the ground?
30 and single: finding a partner.
First, let’s consider your options. There will always be the real-life opportunity, actually meeting someone you connect with by chance out and about or through your social network. But life is busy. As your career takes off and you try to maintain a healthy work-life balance, it can be hard to meet the right single people. The other option is online dating sites or apps, which have increasingly become the go-to choice for 30 something singles. And we know a thing or two about meeting people online. As a premium dating platform, EliteSingles is the relationship expert with a focus on the long haul. Let’s see what they can do for you.
EliteSingles understands dating in your 30s and knows it’s important to meet genuine, compatible matches when you’re 30 and single. Based on a smart profiling system, our unique matchmaking algorithm combines the data from your in-depth personality test and your personal preferences to send you 3-7 matches per day. We consider your needs and desires in a partner and try to suggest profiles which really do complement your lifestyle, preferences, and personality.
We’re serious about you finding a serious partner, and EliteSingles’ members are committed to meeting their match. 85% of our members are highly educated, and new profiles are verified. Our members value intelligence and are committed to finding their other half.
Getting the ball rolling is as easy as 1, 2, 3… On completing the easy registration process and taking the personality test, you begin receiving compatible profiles. If you want to search out more profiles, EliteSingles offers an additional ‘Have you met…’ feature, which allows you to search out interesting profiles yourself. If you need some extra help, our Customer Care team is on hand, and we value your privacy and confidentiality, responsibly managing your data to keep it secure. We’re here to help you make the best of being single and dating in your 30s.
As an inclusive site we cater to your individual needs, be it professional dating or LGBT, our extensive membership base caters to personal preferences in a partner. We have a focus on singles interested in serious relationships and an exclusive dating experience, and love to bring together people who share the same goals and values. We know that dating in your 30s has its own challenges. We understand what it feels like to be 30 and single, so when you’re ready to meet your match and find your fit, EliteSingles is on hand to move you forward and find that love you’re looking for.
At this stage in life, people know what they want in a partner with a view to their future. Being a bit older and more settled in oneself means you know if you want to get married, have children, are prepared to move, your career goals and other factors which have now become more important in partner selection. Search out the people who are a good fit for your own self and lifestyle.
Know what you want and be ready to share your opinion. Understanding each other’s goals gives your relationship a bigger opportunity to succeed in the future. So ladies and gentleman, if you think it’s the time to get your love life on the go, get to know yourself and feel free to search out your tribe.
Being open minded.
Sometimes the older people get, the more closed-off they can become to difference. Single ladies and gentleman, successful dating flourishes with an open mindset. It is helpful to remember that age is a just a number, maybe he is a little older or younger than you expected, or maybe she is divorced. Sometimes you can’t predict the profile that will catch your eye, the men or women who will steal your heart!
Going in with an open mind gives you the greatest chance of meeting a great partner. Love is not an exact science and sometimes the person you least expect steals your heart! If its the time in life to take the next step, join the right app for you and sign up to meet a like-minded match.
Communication is key.
Talking openly and honestly with your prospective partner is a good step to move your date forward. You don’t want to waste time with someone who is wrong for you. Dating in your 30s as a man and dating in your 30s as a woman can be a different experience, and communication is key to a happy relationship.
If it is the right match for you, this communication approach will lay a healthy foundation for your relationship and give you the opportunity to connect. The EliteSingles magazine offers free advice and dating tips from a range of experts if you want to learn more about healthy and happy relationships.
Read also:
Dating in your 40s A professional dating site for busy singles Try our EliteSingles dating app and find love on the go.
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Dating in Your 30s Just Feels Different—Here’s How to Find What You’re Looking For.
D ating in your 20s is totally different than dating in your 30s. When you’re a twenty-something, it’s all about having fun. You’re more carefree; you’re not really looking for anything serious. In your 30s, however, everything changes. You’re not about dating just for the sake of dating—who has time for that? You might want to settle down, maybe even get married and start a family. But even if a longterm monogamous relationship isn’t your endgame, you’re likely sick of the wishy-washiness and tomfoolery you once let slide.
But as frustrating as it can feel to watch the people around you get hitched and have babies while you’re spending your Friday nights going on a string of lackluster dates, there are a lot of benefits to dating in your 30s. There’s just something about your third decade that makes you feel way more grounded and secure in who you are. Plus, you have lots of wisdom and life experience under your belt, which means you know exactly what you want and don’t want in life and in a partner. (Well, mostly.)
To help you navigate the dating scene in your 30s, we enlisted the help of two dating pros—Julie Spira, online dating expert and digital matchmaker, and offline dating coach Camille Virginia of Master Offline Dating—with different perspectives on playing the field.
Keep reading for their tips for dating in your 30s.
1. Get clear about what you want.
Not in the mood to mess around with dead-end dates? It’s important that you first get really clear about what you want, Virginia says. Past relationships and tons of not-so-good dates can provide lots of intel about what you don’t want, which in turn can help you figure out exactly what you do want in a partner. And she recommends focusing on the inner traits. Yes, obviously you want to be attracted to the person, but at the end of the day, what really matters are those inner attributes and core values.
Once you get clarity around your desires, which may require some self-reflection and sitting down with pen and paper, then start focusing on them. “We attract the things that we think about, so you don’t want to stay in the I-don’t-like-people-who-lie mindset,” Virginia says. Because then all you will attract are more partners who lie. Focus your attention and energy on those good characteristics you’re looking for and then you’ll start spotting singles who embody those traits everywhere you go.
2. State your intentions from the get-go.
To avoid wasting your time and getting emotionally attached to someone who will never be The One, Spira recommends sharing your intentions right from the beginning. If your goal is to get married, settle down, and start a family, don’t be afraid to write that on your dating profile.
Yes, it’s a bold move, but Spira says it’s the best way to market the type of relationship your heart is craving. Having your intentions right there for everyone to see will prompt someone who’s just looking to have fun to swipe left and encourage someone who’s on the same page as you are to swipe right.
Virginia totally agrees with being clear about your intentions, but she suggests having that conversation on the first date instead. “There’s an art to doing it,” she says. “You don’t want to sit down with someone on a first date or your first encounter and make them feel like they’re in an interview or a screening process.” Instead, be curious and ask questions in an authentic and genuine way that will help you get a feel for what their goals are.
3. Be open to dating someone who isn’t your type.
Your 30s is the perfect time to branch out from your typical “type” and date new people. You never know where it may lead you. “I’ve encouraged dating coaching clients of mine to date outside of their comfort zone, initially with resistance,” Spira says. “It’s often a wonderful surprise when they actually enjoyed dating a different type than the ‘bad boys’ from earlier days.”
That’s exactly why Virginia puts such a strong focus on inner traits instead of what looks good on paper. “When you’re clear on the inner traits of someone, they’re probably going to come in a package you don’t expect,” she says. “If you remain open to what they look like, how tall they are, what ethnicity they are, etc., then you can actually find an amazing person that you might otherwise miss.”
4. Take the pressure off.
Dating in your 30s can come with this sense of urgency to have everything “figured out” and a the-clock-is-ticking mentality that puts so much pressure on every. single. encounter. “I tell singles in their 30s to take a deep breath and not to focus on their age,” Spira says. “Many worry they won’t be able to have children and that their shelf life will expire once they turn 39. Love doesn’t have an expiration date. Couples are able to have children later in life or adopt and be fulfilled.”
Virginia seconds this and adds that as long as you’re doing all the things you can to help call in the right partner (i.e. getting clear on what you want, doing the inner work, putting yourself out there, meeting new people, etc.), you’re good. “Wait for the right opportunity and trust that it will show up when it’s meant to,” she says.
5. Ditch the rules.
You’ve probably heard all the dating rules a million times. Wait three days to call. Don’t be too needy. Don’t make the first move. Hold smooches until after the first date. Throw all those out the window. “I find [rules] get in the way of finding a meaningful connection,” Spira says, because every situation is so different. “The best rule I can offer is not to wait for the ‘perfect person’ because we’re all imperfect.”
6. Work on your social skills and boosting your confidence.
“As humans, we’re social creatures,” Virginia says. “We’re meant to be around each other, get energy from each other, interact, have eye contact, and have in-person conversations. That’s how we functioned for hundreds and thousands of years.” Somewhere down the line, though, mostly thanks to technology, things changed. We lost touch with our IRL social skills.
So working on leveling up your body language and conversation skills just be the missing piece that will help you attract your soulmate (if you believe in that sort of thing). But it’s not just about how you interact with others, it’s also about boosting your confidence so that smiling at that cute stranger on the other side of the room feels like no big deal. That’s when you step into a new way of being and dating becomes way easier.
7. Be open to meeting new people offline.
While dating apps have definitely proven to be effective in helping people find their person, if you’re exclusively relying on them to help you meet that special someone, you’re really missing out, Virginia says.
Okay, so if you’re not meeting new people online, where exactly do you meet your match? “Everywhere,” she says. “Literally, I have been asked out on an airplane, at a coffee shop, at the bus stop. There is no magical place with other single people. The beauty is that they’re doing the same things you are.”
8. Listen to your intuition.
Above all else, listening to your intuition is so key when it comes to dating in your 30s.
“Our intuition is always guiding us, but in our 20s, we’re not necessarily as ready to hear it,” Virginia says. You might have tried really hard to make it work with someone you knew wasn’t good for you or you ignored a ton of red flags. But now, with a decade (or more) of dating and relationships behind you, you can really listen to those signs and inner nudges so you don’t end up wasting your time and energy on people who bring you down.
Dating in Your 30s? You Need These Crucial Tips.
Christian Vierig/Getty Images.
Dating is hard at any age, but entering a new decade brings with it a new set of nuances to learn how to navigate. If you thought you had finally nailed the dating game in your 20s, once you hit 30, things might feel incredibly frustrating and overwhelming again. The truth is, dating in your 30s is very different than dating in your 20s. The playing field is narrower and you probably carry a little more baggage than you did the decade prior. You may have gotten your heart broken and developed some trust issues, for example, or you could be more devoted than ever to a career that takes up a significant portion of your time. You also likely have fewer single friends, so there's more pressure to couple up.
If you've recently become single or just turned 30 and are beginning to notice how dating has changed, don't stress. We've got some crucial tips to help you survive (and thrive!) dating in your 30s.
Age Is Just a Number.
Does age really matter? Not so much. Don't be so quick to write people off because they're too old or too young for you. Relationships work because two people are in love, support each other mutually, and have a great time together, not because of how far apart in age they are. "When two people actually go on a date, the age difference might not have as much importance as other considerations, such as physical attraction and a compatible personality," says clinical psychologist Vinita Mehta.
Know What You Want.
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In your mid-20s, you might want a partner who drives a nice car and can afford to take you to a fancy restaurant. Although those things are great, once you're in your 30s, you'll probably want more in a partner.
If you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, now is a good time to figure it out so you can find the right fit. Write down the names of the last few people you dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them. You’ll probably notice that there are common descriptors on the list. The top qualities that you liked about these people are what you should look for in your next relationship.
Let Go of the Past.
Many people who are single in their 30s have dealt with some form of heartbreak—be it ghosting, cheating, or a breakup. But it’s time to leave the past behind. The third date is not a good time to discuss how your ex cheated on you for three years and you didn’t realize it until a scandalous photo was sent to you from an anonymous email account. Let it go! We all have skeletons in our closets. This doesn’t mean you have to pull one out and wear it. Yes, your past has shaped who you are, but it’s not your present or future. Instead, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next.
Let Your Guard Down.
When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defense mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? However, if you don’t let anyone in, you probably won’t end up finding the one. When the time is right and you’ve met someone you’re into who is also into you, let your guard down. Be vulnerable. If this makes you feel anxious, tell yourself everything will be okay.
In addition to improving your relationship with your partner, being vulnerable in a relationship can also improve your self-worth, teaching you to be less dependent on the opinions of others and increasing your inner sense of security.
Don't Be Jaded or Bitter.
When you’re in your 30s, it’s much easier to become jaded and bitter; so many relationships have not worked out that you may start to think it’s never going to happen. But it’s important not to let this negative thinking get the best of you. If you think it’s never going to happen, then it won’t—you have to be positive. When you meet someone new, give them a fair chance.
Focus on Having Fun.
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When you’re in your 30s, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet. You haven’t met the one, you’re not married, and you don't have kids. Wanting all of these things is okay, but grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to fulfill your expectations is not. Focus on having fun and getting to know the person. What’s the point of being in a relationship at any age if you’re not having fun? It shouldn’t be a job and it shouldn’t be depressing. A relationship should bring joy, laughter, and love—whether you’re in your 20, 30s, or 40s.
Dump Your Divorce Bias.
The divorce rate in America is around 40 to 50 percent, so when you’re in your 30s, you're probably going to date people who are divorced. One of the advantages of dating a divorcee is that they've probably learned a lot from their former marriage that they can apply to a new relationship. When it comes to discussing their marriage, don’t pry. If they want to talk about what happened, they will when the time is right.
Communication Is Key.
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Kirill Rudenko/Getty Images.
Good communication is crucial to any relationship. When you’re dating in your 30s, you should be able to talk to your significant other openly and honestly. Likewise, they should be able to talk to you candidly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely. If you’re not communicating early on in the relationship, you probably won’t get better at it as things move forward.
Don't Waste Your Time.
If you’re not into someone, stop talking to them, stop texting them, and stop hanging out with them. Life is too short. Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night of sleep than be out drinking with a person you’re just not that into? "Know your values and priorities and always consider your time in their light," says Jim Taylor, Ph.D. "Make deliberate choices about how you spend and use your time."
Trust Your Gut.
If you have a gut instinct about someone, trust it. Listen to your intuition. If something is telling you that they’re not right, then they’re probably not.
You Do You.
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not or give up fundamental things that make you who you are. "Losing yourself in a relationship can create anxiety, resentment, and even hopelessness, which can cause you to rebel or express yourself in exaggerated or extreme ways that can threaten the connection," says Doctor of Psychology Suzanne Lachmann.
Own who you are. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is comfortable in their own skin.
Don't Settle, but Stop Seeking Perfection.
Nobody should settle for a partner who they are only sort of into. The relationship won’t be healthy, nor will it last. However, you shouldn't be waiting around for perfection, either. No one's perfect, so be ready to compromise.
What Single Men Really Think About Dating In Their 30s.
The messaging about being single is conflicting. It is simultaneously cast as consistently fun and ultimately tragic; essential for fulfilment but only truly acceptable in the past tense.
A lot of my friends are in relationships, so when it gets to the weekend and I'm asking what everyone is doing, suddenly every man and his dog is off to Center Parcs. You can't help but think, what am I doing?
I worry for the men who don't have people around them that they can talk to about feeling alone. I can see why the suicide rate among men my age is so high because it can really feel like you've failed at life.
We're being boxed into identities or stereotypes that we feel uncomfortable in, or that wider social gender stereotyping has created in the first place.
The Everygirl.
Real Women Weigh In: What Dating in Your 30s Is Really Like.
Dating is f*cking hard — especially when you feel like you’ve “fallen behind” from your friends or you’re the last single person in your friend group. Suddenly, there’s all this pressure to find someone and you really start to psych yourself out. What if there’s not someone out there for me? It’s unfair, but this pressure is more of a reality for women in our current society — and suddenly you feel the need to explain “why” you’re “still” single, instead of being able to live your life on your own terms.
We wanted to find out how women navigate the dating world in their 30s, how they deal with outside and internal pressure, and what’s different about dating now than in their 20s. So we asked real women to contribute their thoughts. Read on to hear advice, commiseration, and encouragement.
On knowing who you are and what you want…
The biggest difference from dating in my 20s from dating in my 30s is how secure I feel with myself. In my 20s, I was still unsure of what I wanted and who I was. It was a time of trying new things and exploring. So I tended to date men (let’s be honest — boys) who I met along the way. Now at 30, I feel solid in my personality — my quirks, my flaws, and my strengths. Knowing this has helped me navigate dating because I know what I’m looking for and what I want and need in a partner.
Learning how to be alone has actually really helped me learn how to be a better friend and partner. It goes back to knowing who I am and what I want.
Learning how to do things alone as the token single girl of your friendship group also helps you focus in on the non-negotiable in your relationships. I’ve traveled alone, lived alone, and I no longer break out in hives at the thought of going out to dinner by myself. Learning how to be alone (something that horrified me in my early 20s) has actually really helped me learn how to be a better friend and partner. It goes back to knowing who I am and what I want. Two very powerful things.
My biggest piece of advice would be not to settle. It’s easy to stay with an “ok” guy because all your friends are settling down, getting married, and having families. Trust me, the right guy is out there for you. You just have to look and be open to it. You shouldn’t stay with someone who’s “fine” just to be with someone. To quote Carrie Bradshaw: N ever settle for anything less than butterflies. You deserve it.
On recognizing age is just a number…
I’d say, we need to stop looking at age as a “barrier.” Granted, I’m not gonna date a 20-year-old anytime soon, but if we can’t discriminate against age in the workplace then we certainly shouldn’t do so when we date either. That goes for dating older and younger than what you normally do. I say, give it a shot! It could be an interesting change.
On getting out of your comfort zone…
For several years (late 20s), I was all about WORK (so I was busy, but also not meeting anyone because everyone was married), and my non-work hobbies included workout classes (full of females) and hanging with my female (married/attached) friends. No wonder I wasn’t dating. I’m also a bit of an introvert… which is great, but spending time at home by myself wasn’t getting me anywhere.
So, I moved four hours away for a new job. This was huge — it helped me shake up my routine and forced me to meet new people. I focused more on myself and my future and stopped being a workaholic. I said yes to any social opportunities — why not?! I wasn’t really dating, but I was being social and making changes. Focus on yourself, take opportunities, don’t be afraid to make changes in your life, and don’t feel rushed. Enjoy where you are in life!
On navigating dating online…
The filters you think matter? They don’t. I ended up with an introverted vegetarian. And you are not dating for the big events — it doesn’t matter to me if he shows up to happy hours that don’t hold significance. I was dating to find someone I wanted to see every day. It made a huge difference in how I viewed the whole process.
My biggest advice is to commit to putting yourself out there — on your terms.
My biggest advice is to commit to putting yourself out there — on your terms and within the confines of the energy you have available. Decide how many dates you’ll go on in a given period of time (e.g. one date every week or every two weeks) and hold yourself to it. It will help you both respect your time (You have other things to do! People to see, exercise, lounging, and recharging…) and make sure you’re prioritizing other things (at least down the road) that matter to you.
On knowing when to cut your losses…
I am not interested in dating a guy who has kids. It’s not for me. I’ve done it before, and I’m not interested in doing it again. (My heart was broken when my last boyfriend and I broke up, and I never got to see his daughter again after I’d been a big part of her life for a year.) So, before I go out with a guy, I ask.
Two guys have lied to me about having kids. Most recently, I asked the guy point blank, and he replied that he had no kids. Then, on our first (and only) date, a little ways into dinner, he explained that he did have children, two children, but they didn’t count because they were older, not babies. Inside I fumed. I lost my appetite. I wanted to get up and leave right then and there. I didn’t appreciate being lied to or being lied to about something as precious as children. After dinner, when we walked out of the restaurant, I explained that I would not be staying to walk around, and I was going home. He was surprised but said goodbye. I got a text a few minutes later in which he apologized for offending me and not being honest. He admitted he should have been honest all along. I agreed with him and wished him luck. That was that!
Don’t feel the need to stay on a date if you don’t want to. It’s not rude, it’s honest.
On the pressure to find someone and realizing waiting for the right person is okay…
There is a lot of internal pressure dating in your 30s. In my 20s, I went out with the intention of just having fun, but once I hit 30 I realized I wanted to find a responsible partner. So I usually decide pretty quickly if I see a future with the guys I date. The men I’ve dated feel the pressure too — on first dates, there isn’t much beating around the bush. It’s normal now for the guy to bring up if he wants a family or not by the second date, which is positive about dating in my 30s. I don’t want to waste my time.
Because everyone is trying to find a partner, it’s easy to make stupid mistakes and fall for men that are definitely bad for you but are promising all the right things. In my 20s, I would have seen right through these over-eager men, but in my 30s sometimes I’m so focused on finding what I want that I fall for these over-the-top promises with the wrong person.
Sometimes I swear that I am the last single person left on earth. But overall I’m glad I waited because I was not confident enough to find the right partner in my 20s.
Sometimes I swear that I am the last single person left on earth. I once went to a wedding and was the only single person except for the bride’s 94-year-old widowed grandmother. So I am constantly the third wheel and spent the majority of my early 30s with just my friends and their families every weekend. And starting this year, I had to make a conscious effort to take a step back from driving to the suburbs every weekend and actually put the effort into finding a partner. So far I haven’t had much luck, but I have realized there are still good people out there.
Dating in your 30s is hard! Everyone has their own settled life, and sometimes I have breakdowns over it and have to convince myself that it’s okay to be single. But overall, I’m glad I waited because I was not confident enough to find the right partner in my 20s. I had a lot to learn a lot about myself — and now I feel confident I will know if a man is an actual good fit for me, not just because we like the same sports team or band.
For me, after much trial, and a whole lot of error, I’ve learned this: never settle. If you know what you want, go after it!
Don’t waste your time on men who just want to play games or who are on a whole different wavelength than you. Just because they too might be in their 30s, doesn’t mean they’re in the same place as you are. I’ve found it shocking how much this has happened to me. Don’t be afraid to trust your instinct when your gut tells you they’re probably looking for something different. Oh, and if they ghost you, that’s their loss. Don’t dwell!
10 Reasons Dating in Your 30s Is Better Than Dating in Your 20s.
No one would dispute that dating in your 20s has its perks. Maybe you have more single friends or your social life includes more low-key house parties and barbecues that lend themselves to meeting people. (You definitely have a better ability to recover from one too many margaritas, that’s for certain.) But spoiler alert: There’s a whole lot to look forward to if you find yourself single in your third decade. To prove it, I polled real women—and drew from my own experience—to sum up why dating in your 30s is actually pretty great.
1. You have a better idea of what you want.
Across the board, the most common response I got from the women I spoke to was some variation on knowing what you want. Think about it: Even if you’ve been imagining your perfect partner since you were 12, the only way to really learn what qualities are important to you is through experience. Maybe you used to be attracted to the life of the party…until you realized how exhausting it was keeping up with your ex’s constant attention-seeking. Or let’s say you always pictured yourself with someone super ambitious, but then weren’t so crazy about the 14-hour days your last S.O. was always pulling. A laundry list of traits is no substitution for all the nuances and complexities of a real, living relationship—the more you’ve dated, the better an idea you’ll have of what actually works for you.
2. And you’re more comfortable asking for it.
If confidence comes with age, that goes double when it comes to dating. Think back to times when you were younger and something was bothering you—the person you were seeing sucked at communicating, or maybe you wanted to define the relationship but didn’t want to risk upsetting whatever delicate equilibrium you already had. Younger self, I’ve got news for you: You’re not doing anyone (most of all yourself) any favors by not asking. I don’t know whether it’s because accumulated experiences have toughened us up or we’re just more inclined toward a DGAF attitude, but it seems like by the time we hit our 30s, we’ve gotten over it. Many of the women I talked to mentioned they’ve gotten a lot better at being assertive about their needs, whether that’s discussing their stance on having kids or just letting someone know that, no, I’d rather not drive across town to meet at Dave & Buster’s for our first date and can we go to a quiet wine bar halfway between us instead?
3. You’ve learned from your mistakes.
Let’s not put all these past breakups on our exes (except for Steve; that one was absolutely his fault). I can definitely admit that there were times when I was selfish and unwilling to compromise with someone I was dating, and other times I wrote people off (who probably didn’t deserve it) because I was in the wrong headspace. But instead of beating myself up about it, I chalk it up to experience and vow to do better in the future. Just as I know not to put up with bad behavior from someone I’m dating, I aim to hold myself to the same standard. At the risk of sounding like a yoga influencer’s Instagram post, you get out only as much as you put in—and you can’t expect to get openness, honesty and compassion if you’re not bringing it yourself.
4. You know not to waste time on so-so situations.
Raise your hand if there’s a fling or other romantic entanglement in your past that dragged on wayyy longer than it should have (*raises both hands*). While your reasons may vary, for me, I now realize it was a form of insecurity: This person isn’t great for me, but they’re here now, and who knows the next time someone will like me this much? A good chunk of my 20s was ruled by on-again, off-again situations that weren’t healthy or fulfilling, but that I was nonetheless afraid to let go of. And while my behavior was far from faultless (I’m sure I could have been more assertive about what I wanted), if I’d been honest with myself, it was pretty clear that those relationships didn’t have a future from the get-go. Now that I have more perspective, I’m better at seeing if something’s worth sticking out—or if I’m better off abandoning ship early. As Marisa, 33, puts it: “You become better at weeding out people you’re incompatible with.”
5. You probably have more disposable income.
OK, not everything has to be about self-reflection and personal development—those purely logistical benefits count for something, too. If you’ve been steadily building your career for the past decade or so, you hopefully have a little more money in the bank (as do your similarly aged romantic prospects). Which means instead of defaulting to happy hour at the local dive bar, you can meet up with your latest Hinge match over a buzzy new tasting menu—or book an impromptu glamping trip with the person you’ve been seeing for the past month. Even if things don’t work out, you’ll get to spend some time doing something a little more interesting than sipping a watery beer.
6. You value your own time more.
“The best part about dating in my 30s is getting back home before 10 p.m. and going straight to couch-sweats-TV mode,” says Whitney, 38. While this might not sound like it’s about dating, per se, it goes back to not wanting to waste time on just anyone—because you’re comfortable being alone, so if something’s going to disrupt your precious free time, it had better be worth it. “I now know to arrive to a date with an exit plan—like ‘I can only meet for one drink since I have dinner plans later,’” says Anny, 36. “I’m also comfortable enough to be like, ‘Oh great, nice to meet you! Have a wonderful night’ without letting the date drag on for another hour.”
7. You’re not going to find a partner just for the sake of it.
All due respect to our friends who coupled up young, but the older we get, the more finding a suitable long-term partner before you’re old enough to rent a car seems like a fluke, not a given. Sure, some people pair up, navigate early adulthood together and happen to grow and change in complementary ways. But a lot of us spend those years figuring things out solo—or realizing that our relationship since college is no longer the right fit—and emerge on the other side with a better picture of who we are and who we want to spend our time with. And we’ll be damned if we’re going to take all that hard-earned soul-searching and just latch onto the next eligible bachelor/ette who walks by.
8. You have more life experience (and more stories)
Outside of past relationships, you’ve just been on the earth for a while now, and that’s never a bad thing. You’ve likely worked a few different jobs at this point, maybe had an opportunity to do some traveling and definitely encountered lots of interesting people. Aside from the fact that all those experiences have made you a savvy, worldly, well-rounded individual, it gives you plenty to talk about beyond the standard first-date fodder of where’d you grow up and how many siblings do you have —like that time you swam in an underground cavern…or snuck into the SNL afterparty.
9. You’re getting the new and improved version of your dating prospects.
Instead of thinking of someone’s past as “baggage”—because, really, isn’t baggage just experience?—try to think of each previous partner as part of the education that made them into the older, wiser human they are today. Just as you’ve hopefully learned something from every one of your relationships, they’ve grown and changed from other people’s influence, too. And yes, that includes divorces. Someone who’s been through a committed relationship that didn’t work out isn't damaged goods—far from it. They probably have valuable insight about the challenges of long-term partnership and know what they’d do differently next time.
10. Things move more quickly, if you want them to.
Most of us have some version of that friend who met her person at freshman orientation and dated for six years before moving in together and another three before getting engaged. But if you meet someone you connect with at age 34—and commitment is your goal—you’re not beholden to the same trajectory. You’ve both had time to “season,” so to speak, in past relationships and life in general, so next steps don’t feel like such a leap. “Once I started dating someone, we fast-tracked all the BS,” one woman told me. “Family traumas, cellphone passcodes, openly passing gas…it all goes a lot faster when you have less time to waste.” Another sums it up: “I met my current (serious) boyfriend in my 30s and, for a variety of reasons, am nearly certain we would have never met in our 20s.”
Dating in Your 30s: 12 Things You Should Know.
I never thought I’d be pushing forty and still single. I had my entire life envisioned as being happily married with a few kids from the time I graduated high school. It never occurred to me to want to be more, because I was always searching for love.
John Lennon was right, life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.
I’ve been married, divorced, had long lasting relationships, had one night stands, and now, here I am in my late thirties still looking for “the one” and learning more about who and how NOT to date than I ever imagined.
I’m going to share some of these insights with you because…well…dating sucks, especially in your thirties when all of your friends are married and you’re still dating jerks. Here’s how to avoid those thirty-something dating pitfalls.
1. There’s going to be baggage.
Recognize that the men you date will have baggage. Men in their thirties aren’t exactly pure and innocent and often come with a few love scars. You have baggage, expect that he’ll have baggage, too.
2. Kids should be expected too.
Chances are you’re dating a guy in his late thirties or early forties…which means he’s probably divorced with at least one kid. There are easy ways to date a guy with kids, so don’t sweat over the small stuff…or, in this case, the small people.
3. Be wary of guys who are secretive.
Dating red flag: He keeps you a secret. If your man doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends, introduce you to his family, or show you where he lives…then there’s a problem. That problem usually comes in the form of a wife. Don’t date a man who wants to keep your relationship a secret.
4. Be cautious of men who have never been married.
I live in a relatively large city, so it’s not necessarily unusual for single men my age to have never been married, but in smaller, more rural areas, this could be a sign your date is a player. If he’s never been married and has never had a serious or long term relationship, then it’s definitely a red flag.
5. Stay off tinder.
There are plenty of legitimate online dating websites, but Tinder isn’t one of them. This is more of a “booty call” website where the main purpose is to get tail. If you’re looking for a one night stand, this is the site. If you’re looking for a date, look somewhere else.
If you’ve never looked in Tinder, I highly recommend it simply for entertainment purposes, there are some pretty hilarious sex ads out there from real people who might otherwise be normal and date worthy if they were not on Tinder.
6. Online dating has pros and cons.
Speaking of online dating, there are definitely pros and cons to dating websites. I’ve tried two, and I have accepted two dates. I’ve chatted with a few different men, and had no luck in love. I personally know people who met on dating websites and are quite happy together, so perhaps I am just bad at this sort of thing.
Pros: You see their picture, you can chat before accepting a date, and you can become friends first. Cons: They could be lying, you have no idea how many other women their chatting with, and there’s no voice tone to match with humor or seriousness. For me, the biggest turn off was bad grammar.
7. Don’t date jaded men.
Be wary of guys who say that they have “had their heart broken so bad they’ll never love anyone again”. You can’t change these guys. Sadly, there are many guys in their thirties and forties with this sentiment. It’s pathetic, really. Everyone has their heart broken at some point, why should this guy be any different?
Don’t date this kind of man, he’ll break your heart, after he sleeps with you a few times. Trust me, I’ve dated a few of them.
8. No, all the “good ones” are not taken.
Just like you are a good catch, there are plenty of men out there who are also a good catch and are looking for the right person. If you believe that all the good ones are taken, then you’ll either be alone, or you’ll settle for someone who isn’t good for you. Keep looking, he’s out there and he’s looking for you.
9. Younger guys are hot, but not for keeps.
I like good looking twenty something men. They’re hot! They are eager to have sex, they’re usually not jaded yet, and they are lively and fun. However, they’re meant for playing with, not for marrying.
If the age difference is more than eight years between you, then there could be problems later in the relationship because he’s likely still in his party boy stage. However, if you’re lucky enough to find a hottie who’s mature, monogamous, and responsible, then KEEP HIM!
10. Make sure your date acts his age.
Speaking of party boy stage, when you date a guy, make sure he acts his age. While it’s okay for a twenty year old to go out drinking every weekend and work part time as he struggles through college and lives out of his parents’ basement, it is not okay for a thirty or forty year old to do that.
I’ve dated this guy, too. He’ll never grow up. Guys in their thirties should not act like frat boys. Move on, woman, move on.
11. Singles events feel slimy.
I have been to a singles event, I plan on going to another, and I will say that they feel like a meat market, in a slimy sort of way. Don’t let that fool you, though. I actually met a really nice guy at a singles event, and stupidly, I didn’t get his number.
I met a lot of nice ladies too that I wouldn’t mind hanging out with. Singles events are an experience that every woman in her thirties should try out at least once, no matter how slimy they might feel. You’ll more than likely find a diamond in the rough.
12. Wait before you sleep together.
My final thirties dating tip for you is to NOT sleep with him for at least four dates. I know, it’s hard when you’re attracted to someone, but believe me, both of you could be getting some anywhere with anyone, why not actually let the excitement build? He’ll have more respect for you as a potential partner if you wait to sleep with him.
There you have it, ladies, tips for dating in your thirties. It usually isn’t pretty, and it usually comes with many weekends at home crying and eating ice-cream, but it’s not completely hopeless. You just have to weed out the bad. The good is out there. So, tell us, what’s dating in your thirties like for you?