Silence

Divorce or separation is often seen by adults from the perspective of their own disagreement, their own pain, their ego, their anger or their circumstances. They think that when living together has become difficult, perhaps separating is better. In some situations, life truly becomes so complicated that separation becomes a necessity. But in this entire process, the being who is asked the least, whose heart is understood the least, and whose silence is heard the least, is the child.

For a child, mother and father are not just two people; they are the two pillars of the child’s entire world. Between them, the child searches for safety, love, identity and peace. When these two pillars begin to move away from each other, the child cannot understand what the real problem is. The child only feels that his world is changing, the atmosphere at home is changing, voices and tones are changing, routines are changing, and the peace he considered his right is slowly being taken away from him.

Adults give arguments, explain, blame and try to prove their decision right, but a child does not understand these things in the same way. For the child, the questions are very simple, yet deeply painful: Why can my parents not live together? Did all this happen because of me? Did I do something wrong? Who will I live with now? Will I be abandoned? Will my mother move away from me? Will my father forget me? These questions rise like a storm in the child’s heart, but they do not always reach the tongue.

Children’s pain is often silent. They cannot express every pain in words. Some children suddenly become quiet, some begin to look stubborn, some remain angry, some begin to move away from their studies, some become afraid at night, some repeatedly want to stay close to their mother or father, and some carry a strange restlessness inside them. Adults may see these behaviours as bad manners, stubbornness or weakness, but in reality, they are the language of the child’s inner fear.

Tension between parents has a very deep effect on a child’s mind. The child sees the home as a safe place. But when voices are raised in that very home, faces become hard, silence becomes heavy, doors are slammed, and mother and father seem distant from each other, the child’s trust is shaken. The child begins to fear the home before fearing the outside world. And when a child’s own home no longer remains a centre of comfort, the roots of insecurity grow very deep in the child’s heart.

One major part of this pain is that children often begin to blame themselves. They think, perhaps the fight happened because of me, perhaps my mother became upset because of something I said, perhaps my father left because of my mistake, perhaps if I had been a better child, the home would not have broken. This thought is extremely dangerous, because a child is not capable of carrying such a burden. The conflict between parents is a matter between adults, but the child connects it to his own existence.

Here, the responsibility of the parents becomes much greater. Even if separation becomes unavoidable, the first thing that must be removed from the child’s heart is this burden: that the child is not guilty. The child must be told clearly, gently and lovingly that whatever the problem is between mother and father, its responsibility does not lie on the child. The child is not the decision-maker, not the criminal, not the reason and not the witness. The child is only entitled to love, protection and peace.

Unfortunately, many parents unknowingly involve their children in their conflicts. Sometimes one parent speaks badly about the other in front of the child. Sometimes the child is asked who he wants to live with. Sometimes the child is used to carry messages. Sometimes the child is forced to stand on one side. All of this divides the child’s heart into two parts. The child loves the mother and the father. Forcing the child to choose one of them is cruelty to the child’s innocence.

A child is not a court that should decide who is right and who is wrong. A child is not a weapon to be used against the other person. A child is not a shield to be placed in front of one’s anger, revenge or complaint. A child is a complete human being, with a heart, fears, love, needs and a future. If parents forget this in their own pain, the damage does not remain temporary; it becomes part of the child’s personality.

After divorce or separation, many changes come into the child’s life. Sometimes the home changes, sometimes the school changes, sometimes routines change, sometimes visitation times are fixed, and sometimes one parent moves away from everyday life. Adults see these changes as administrative matters, but for the child they are an emotional earthquake. The map of the child’s world changes. The child has to understand again where his place is now.

At such a time, the child needs consistent love more than anything else. The child needs the assurance that circumstances have changed, but love has not ended. The paths of mother and father may separate, but the child remains the responsibility of both. Parents must prove this through their words and their actions. Simply saying “we love you” is not enough. The child must feel this love through time, attention, contact, respect and consistent presence.

Insulting the other parent in front of the child is very harmful. A sentence spoken in a moment of anger can remain in the child’s heart for years. If mother and father destroy each other’s respect, a sense of brokenness develops in the child’s heart about his own family. The child thinks: Why does one person speak badly about someone I love? In this conflict, the child becomes confused inside. For the child, both parents have an important place. Therefore, putting one parent down is actually wounding one part inside the child.

Parents must also understand that a child’s reactions do not appear immediately. Some children seem completely normal at first, but inside they are breaking. Some children show their pain with time. Some grow up and become afraid of relationships. Some find it difficult to trust. Some connect every disagreement with the fear of being abandoned. Childhood wounds do not always end in childhood; many times, they continue with a person into adulthood.

For this reason, during the process of separation, special attention should be paid to the child’s mental state. If the child is becoming very quiet, showing unusual anger, suddenly becoming weak in studies, remaining fearful, having disturbed sleep, showing changes in eating and drinking, or appearing constantly sad, then scolding or merely explaining will not be enough. At such a time, gentleness, conversation, attention and, if needed, the help of a psychologist can be very important. A child’s mental wound is also a wound; the only difference is that it cannot be seen.

Parents should maintain a basic level of respect in front of the child despite their differences. If living together is not possible, dignified communication should still be possible. Both should act responsibly regarding visitation times, school matters, illness, necessary decisions, upbringing and emotional needs. The child should not feel that he is a burden or a part of the parents’ fight. The child should feel that he is still important to both.

Many times, parents become so absorbed in their own pain that they cannot see the child’s pain at all. They keep describing their own wounds, while the wound in the child’s heart remains silent. This is a great tragedy. An adult has words, friends, relatives and sometimes legal options, but a child is often left alone with his pain. The child cannot fully understand, cannot fully express and cannot change the situation.

After divorce or separation, giving children false hopes is also not right. If the circumstances have changed, they should be told the truth according to their age and understanding. But the way the truth is told is very important. A harsh, bitter, blaming and hateful truth can wound the child. A truth told with gentleness, wisdom and love can help the child understand the situation. Keeping the child completely unaware of the truth is harmful, and pushing the child into the bitter war of adults is also harmful.

A child has the right to love both parents without feeling guilty. The child has the right to meet the mother without feeling disloyal to the father, and to meet the father without feeling that he is betraying the mother. Parents must give the child this right. If they turn the child’s love into a part of their personal battle, the child will begin to fear love as well. Love will become pressure for the child instead of comfort.

In some homes, after separation, a new relationship or a new family system also becomes a new test for the child. Living with a stepmother or stepfather is not easy for every child. Not every new relationship is bad, but not every new relationship is automatically safe either. The child needs time, protection, respect and a sense of having his own place. The child should not feel that his original place has been taken away, or that he now has to change his personality according to the wishes of a new person.

Parents also have the responsibility, even in their absence, to know what environment the child is living in, how the child is being treated, whether the child is happy or afraid, and whether the child can speak openly or not. Giving a child only food, clothes and school is not enough. The child also needs emotional protection. If the child is physically present in a home but emotionally alone, then the child’s upbringing is incomplete.

In the end, the most important thing is that children should not pay the price for their parents’ decisions. The burden of adults’ conflicts, failures, stubbornness, ego, misunderstandings or helplessness should not be placed on children’s shoulders. A child is already small, his heart is small, and his understanding is according to his age. Placing on him the burden of a world that adults themselves could not handle is injustice.

Divorce or separation can sometimes become a reality of life, but the destruction of children should not be its inevitable result. If parents act with seriousness, respect, gentleness, honesty and responsibility, the damage can be reduced. The child’s trust can be protected. The child’s future can be kept safe. A light can remain alive in the child’s heart: the circumstances are difficult, but I am not alone.

What a child needs to hear the most is this: You are not guilty, you are not alone, we love you, and your future is important to us. If parents prove this not only with words but also through their actions, then even in many broken circumstances, hope can remain alive inside the child. Otherwise, separation does not only divide the paths of two adults; many times, it leaves a silent emptiness in a child’s heart for the rest of life.

Shahid Shakil

2026-07-09