A Relationship or a Wall

There is hardly a father in the world who wants his children to fail. Through hard work and sacrifice, he tries to protect them from the hardships and setbacks that he himself once experienced. This feeling comes from love and responsibility. Yet when fear and control become mixed with love, they can form a wall behind which a child’s wishes, abilities, confidence and identity slowly begin to disappear. The father believes that he is creating a path for his child, but without realising it, he may actually be closing that path.

This is not about ignoring or undervaluing the sacrifices made by parents. It is about a father questioning his own way of thinking. Time teaches us that turning a child into a copy of one’s own life is unfair to that child’s individuality.

A father’s experience is valuable, but his child lives in a different age. The education, profession or principles that once guaranteed success may no longer have the same meaning today.

A father’s experience can certainly be a lamp, but it cannot become the child’s eyes. If he forces the child to wear the glasses of his own generation, the child will never be able to see the world through his own vision.

This is the difference between guidance and command. Guidance gives a child the courage to think, ask questions and learn from mistakes. A command takes away the right to think. Constant control keeps a child afraid, while authority is interested only in obedience.

In many of our families, the father’s decision is still considered final. Education, career, friendships, marriage, place of residence and future plans are decided without understanding the child’s wishes, abilities or emotional condition.

Later, the parents ask why the child remains silent, why he or she wants to stay away from home and why the child no longer shares personal feelings with them.

In a home where questions are not allowed, truth slowly walks out through the door.

Ignoring the mother’s voice is also an injustice. She is an equal partner in the upbringing and future of the child. She may also understand feelings and changes in the child that remain invisible to others.

A truly strong father is one who can listen to disagreement and respect the opinion of his wife. When a mother is treated without respect, the son begins to believe that authority is a male inheritance, while the daughter starts considering her own opinion less important.

Many fathers are not cruel, but they are afraid. They fear that their children may slip out of their control, that the family may lose its reputation or that other people may criticise them.

The question, “What will people say?” has already consumed the education, personal choices, love, confidence and future of countless children.

People talk for a few days and then move on with their lives. The child, however, may carry the burden of the parents’ decision for an entire lifetime.

Sometimes a child is not allowed to receive the education he or she prefers. Sometimes a daughter’s marriage is arranged too quickly. Sometimes a son is pushed into a profession that he does not want.

Parents also decide their own definition of success without asking the child what kind of life would actually make him or her happy.

There is perhaps no one lonelier than a person who appears successful in the eyes of society but feels like a failure in his own eyes.

Children cannot be made strong by hiding them from the world. Real protection does not mean restrictions and constant supervision. It means awareness, confidence, upbringing, communication and the ability to distinguish between right and wrong.

A child who avoids wrongdoing only because of fear of the father may commit the same mistake when the father is absent. But a child who has received understanding and moral education knows the weight and consequences of personal decisions even when living far away.

Fear produces temporary obedience, while awareness builds permanent character.

A child is not the property of the parents. A child is an independent human being with personal abilities, weaknesses, preferences and a life of his or her own.

Children come into the world through their parents, but they do not come into the world only for their parents.

It is also unfair to use children as a means of fulfilling the parents’ unfinished dreams. The fact that a father could not receive a certain education does not mean that his son must follow that same path. The fact that a mother could not live a certain kind of life does not mean that her daughter should be required to live it on her behalf.

Children should not only be allowed to dream; they should also be given the right to choose.

A wise and understanding father does not imprison his children within the footprints of his own journey. He teaches them how to walk, but he also gives them the ability to choose their own path.

He shares his experience, warns them of dangers and offers support, but he does not cut their wings.

A father can show the way, but he cannot walk in place of his child. He can offer advice, but he cannot make every decision himself.

True success does not mean that a son becomes exactly like his father or that a daughter repeats the life of her mother.

Success means that children adopt the good qualities of their parents, learn from their mistakes and become better human beings according to the needs of their own generation.

If a child moves further ahead than the father, it is not the father’s defeat. It is his greatest success.

Disagreement is not disrespect. Asking questions is not disobedience. Choosing a different path does not mean betrayal of the family.

A father should not become a wall against which the dreams of his children are injured.

He should be like a protective shade that saves them from the heat but does not block the light. He should warn them about danger but should not stop them from seeing the world.

One day, he should be able to watch with happiness as his child moves towards a consciously chosen destination.

A father’s greatness does not lie in forcing his children to obey his commands. It lies in giving them such an upbringing that they can stand upright and independently even without his constant support.

A true relationship is one that connects, improves and strengthens a human being.

Anything that suppresses a person’s voice, identity and future no longer remains a relationship.

It becomes a wall.

Shahid Shakil

2026-07-24