Creation - Takhleeq

Guidance or Control 

The Difference Between Guidance and Control

When it comes to the marriage of a daughter, the role of parents and family is very important. Life experience, understanding of relationships, knowledge of social realities, and the desire to want the best for one’s own child all give the family a serious and meaningful place.

For this reason, it would not be right to say that the family should have no role at all in a girl’s decision. The family may have a role. But even this role must have a boundary.

Guidance and control are not the same.

Guidance contains love, understanding, conversation, explanation, time, and, in the end, space for the voice of the girl herself. Control contains command, pressure, shame, fear, the burden of family honour, and the attempt to weaken the girl’s own will.

If parents explain to their daughter that marriage is a great responsibility, that she should not make a hasty decision, that she should examine the person, look at the family, understand the character, and think about the future, then this is guidance.

But if they say: We have already made the decision, you only have to accept it, then it is no longer guidance. If a daughter is called disrespectful because of her questions, if her refusal is presented as disobedience, if her fear is dismissed as naivety, then pressure begins under the name of love.

A good family does not leave its daughter alone, but it does not erase her either. It stands by her side, but it does not place itself above her. It points out dangers, but it does not close her mouth. It gives its opinion, but it does not turn that opinion into a final command. It has experience, but it also recognises that in a decision about this life, the daughter’s own presence is necessary.

In many families, the intention of the parents is not bad. They truly want the best for their daughter. But even a good intention can cause harm when it suppresses the girl’s voice. Not every form of care is automatically justice. Sometimes love wears the clothing of control. Sometimes protection becomes captivity. Sometimes honour becomes fear. That is why not only the intention must be right, but also the path.

The responsibility of parents in the marriage of their daughter is not to choose a life in her place. Their responsibility is to help her make a better decision. They should allow her to ask questions. They should allow her to think about the possible relationship. They should give her time. They should give her the trust that she can say without fear if there is fear or objection in her heart.

If the family has already decided beforehand and then only wants to hear a yes from the daughter, then this is not consultation, but only formal consent.

Guidance also means that the family makes its daughter familiar with reality. She should be told that marriage does not consist only of affection, but also of responsibility. It is not only emotion, but also everyday life. It is not only a celebration, but also patience, respect, expenses, character, household, family, and future.

But while all this is being explained, she must not be made to feel that her own understanding cannot be trusted.

A common form of control is emotional pressure. A daughter is told: We have done everything for you, and now you do not even want to listen to us? Think of our honour. What will people say? What will happen to your younger sisters? Our family will have to lower its head.

Such sentences sound familiar. But when they suppress a girl’s decision, they do not remain just.

A daughter respects her parents. But she was not born only to carry the honour of the family. She also has her own life, her own fear, her own understanding, and her own future. If the honour of the family is made greater than her will every time, then where does her humanity remain?

In guidance, questions are tolerated. In control, a question is called disrespect.

In guidance, a refusal is heard. In control, refusal is turned into disobedience.

In guidance, the daughter receives time. In control, urgency is created.

In guidance, there is explanation. In control, there is shame and fear.

Understanding this difference is necessary, because many wrong decisions arise exactly when a family confuses its own will with care. A daughter may become silent, but silence does not always mean satisfaction. She may say yes, but a yes is not always the consent of the heart. She may get married, but the feeling that her voice was not heard can remain inside her for a lifetime.

A better family gives its daughter space to say such sentences:

I need time.

I have not understood this matter.

I am not satisfied with this person.

I feel afraid of this house.

I want to continue learning.

I am not ready for marriage yet.

These sentences are not declarations against the family. They are serious signals connected with a person’s life.

Respect for parents does not mean that the daughter obeys them under all circumstances. Respect for parents also means that they give their daughter enough trust so that she can express her opinion honestly. A daughter who can speak to her parents without fear is not disrespectful. She is safe.

The guidance of the family is important in a marriage. But even more important is protecting this guidance from turning into control. Through control, a relationship may be formed, but trust cannot. Through control, a celebration may take place, but inner peace cannot. Through control, a house may be established, but a human being can break inside.

The hand of parents in the life of a daughter should be support, not a chain.

Their advice should be light, not pressure.

Their love should become trust, not fear.

And this very difference draws the real boundary between a dignified family and an oppressive family.

Shahid Shakil