When you’re just a kid you have stupid dreams.

And they all fade away when you become a teen.

I used to prance around in my underwear.

I used to do back flips off an easy chair.

You see…

I am. I am. I am the Ultimate Warrior.

If it was Saturday between eight and noon…

I was throwin’ couch cushions around the room.

I was hooking the leg and I was counting to three.

There was no one alive as tough as me.

Because…

I am. I am. I am the Ultimate Warrior.

Makin' my way in the world today really blows.

Takin’ a break would be so friggin’ great, don’t you know.

That’s why I’m goin’ to Moe’s Tavern.

I’m goin’ to Moe’s Tavern.

I’m goin’ to Moe’s Tavern tonight.

My day at Springfield Elementary stunk.

My day at Springfield Elementary stunk.

My day at Springfield Elementary stunk.

So send the kids to the neighbors, I’m coming home drunk.

I’m goin’ to Moe’s Tavern.

This is my boomstick baby. This is my chainsaw too.

Shop smart, shop, “S-Mart,” darling.

Big savings for me and you.

Well I got hit with a rock and I got dizzy and fell

Into a real deep pit which was more like a well

Where not a minute ago right before my eyes

I saw a geyser of blood shoot into the sky.

So then I fought off these creatures ‘til they were good and dead

So you better remember every word I said.

This is my boomstick baby...

I had to run through the woods, I had to fight like hell.

I had to get this book. I had to bury myself.

So you might think I’m a hero, and you’re probably right.

You might call me a savior on this terrible night.

And though you got real ugly, honey Hail to the King.

But in your primitive mind, remember just one thing…

This is my boomstick baby...

Splinter, won’t you tell me…

How to write a punk rock song?

‘Cause I have been trying.

But there’s something I’m doing wrong.

I always get to the good part.

Don’t know what to sing at the good part.

I need some help with the good part.

‘Cause I don’t have a clue.

About the secret of the oohs.

That’s pretty smart of you. That’s pretty smart of you.

The secret of the ooze.

That’s all you gotta do. That’s all you gotta do.

So, Splinter, let me thank you.

You got me over my writer’s block.

It’s simple and it’s stupid.

It’s not rocket science, it’s punk rock.

Now I cannot wait for the good part.

‘Cause I know what to say at the good part.

Gonna hear the crowd at the good part.

‘Cause they’ll be singing too.

About the secret of the oohs.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks, and he's Mr. Meeseeks, and that's Mr. Meeseeks too.

We're here to make things better because that's what Meeseeks do.

We're the Meeseeks. Oh oh oh. We're the Meeseeks.

Look at me I’m solving problems in your golf game and your life.

But pay attention buddy or you're gonna lose your wife.

We're the Meeseeks. Oh. Oh. Oh. We're the Meeseeks

Look at me I'm wreaking havoc in your god forsaken town.

And then I'm gonna split 'cause Meeseeks never stick around.

We're the Meeseeks. Oh. Oh. Oh. We're the Meeseeks

I'm Mr. Meeseeks, and he's Mr. Meeseeks, and that's Mr. Meeseeks too.

We're here to make things better because that's what Meeseeks do.

I really wanna talk to this girl.

Cutest thing in this whole world.

I wanna ask her to the dance,

Even though I know I’ve got no chance.

My friends look on supportively.

They want me to live recklessly.

I know they’ll always be there for me,

Like Friday nights for D and D.

You know...

Freaks and geeks are my favorite type of people.

Freaks and geeks are my favorite type of people.

Freaks and geeks are my favorite type of people.

Freaks and geeks are my favorite type of people.

Yeah

Satisfied with my home life.

I think my parents raised me right.

We have nice chats at dinnertime.

And we play board games most every night.

But dad can nag incessantly…

While mom just tries to keep the peace.

My sister was a math-a-lete.

But now she smokes a ton of weed.

You know…

Freaks and Geeks are my favorite type of people.

Now.

I'm just jamming buttons.          

You know all the special moves.

You put me in a submission hold.              

I don’t know what to do.

I’m not getting better.          

You continue to improve.

When we get together,     

I just know I’m gonna lose.

I feel so helpless when I see you smile.

And I go crazy when I look into your eyes.

I’ve got to tell you this before I die.

Oh, Mileena… You have got to be mine.

I’m just jamming buttons…

I get so tongue-tied when I try to speak.

You bite my neck and I begin to bleed.

I want to share with you        

these secrets that I keep.

Oh, Mileena…Let me die in peace.

I’m just jamming buttons…

You took my favorite stapler.         

You put me in the basement.

I didn’t get my paycheck.          

And all the cake was gone again.

So I’m gonna burn this building down.

I’m gonna burn this building down.

Sick of being underground.         

Sick of being underground.

I’m gonna burn this building to the ground.

Right to the ground.

No one ever listens to me.         

Not even waiters on the beach.

I feel like I waited all day long. 

And you still got my order wrong.

So I’m gonna burn another building down.

I’m gonna burn another building down.

I did it then and I can do it now.

I did it then and I can do it now.

I’m gonna burn another building to the ground.

Right to the ground.

For the whole 9 months that you go to school…

You gotta try real hard just to play it cool.

You gotta be excellent to each other now.

On those Friday nights when you have to work…

You gotta do your best not to be a jerk.

You gotta be excellent to each other now.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other now.

You gotta be excellent to each other now.

When your best friend acts like a total dick.

And your boss freaks out ‘cause you called in sick.

You gotta be excellent to each other now.

And if the Wyld Stallyns never make it big.

Then we can drown our sorrows down at Ziggy Pig.

And we will be excellent to teach other now.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other.

Be excellent to each other now.

You gotta be excellent to each other now.

With a little titanium white

And a little bit of Pthalo blue

And a little bit of Van Dyke Brown

There isn't anything we can't do.

Oh...

Happy Clouds,  Happy Trees.

Happy Accidents, Happy Me.

Happy Bushes, Happy Rocks.

Happy times with Mr. Ross.

And I never wanna see you go.

And I never want our time to end.

Because people are all the same.

Because everyone needs a friend.

Oh...

Happy Clouds,  Happy Trees.

Happy Accidents, Happy Me.

Happy Bushes, Happy Rocks.

Happy times with Mr. Ross.

Dr. House, I presume.          

You already Know I'm sick.

Please come in, to my room.          

You can treat me like a prick.

I don't care if you're mean.              

I just need your brilliant team.

And I don't need some big surprise. 

Just be there to save my life

Dr. House..... Dr. House

I won't scream or complain. 

Please just take away the pain.

Give me pills. Give me gas. 

Stick some needles in my hands.

Something's wrong. Can't you see. 

I can't stand and I can't breathe.

Give it straight. Save some time.          

Because everybody lies.

Dr. House..... Dr. House

And everybody says that you're a jerk.

But they say your crazy methods really work.

And I almost died when I was 33.

'Cause my stupid doctors never watched tv.

I'm not saying that they're worthless but it's true.

I'm just saying they're all lame compared to you...

Dr. House..... Dr. House

I’m not scared of the dark.                  

I'm not scared of heights.

But I will tell you a tale          

that really gave me a fright.

It was the thing that made my hair turn white.

It was a terrible ending to a terrible night.

It was a couch potato massacre. Alright.

We had pizza, soda, and red vines.

So we turned on the tube          

and we turned out the lights.

And then all the teenagers in the movie died.

Even though they begged and pleaded and cried.

It was a couch potato massacre. Alright.

And even though I knew we’d be just fine…

I was too worked up to close my eyes.

But when I woke up there was no one alive.

And I still don’t know how I survived.

It was a couch potato massacre. Alright.

Give me all your coffee,         

with lots of sugar and cream.

Buy me lots of soda pop       

that’s loaded with caffeine.

You might think that Freddy’s dead,        

but do you dare to dream?

I’m pretty sure he’s waiting there         

to harvest all our screams.

I’m just not ready for my life to end.

So from this day fourth I’ll never sleep again.

Never sleep again. Never sleep again.

So give me all your best ideas     

to fill up all our time.

We could cruise to Cedar Point         

and go on every ride.

I know if we keep moving              

it will help us stay awake.

And if we can stay conscious,        

we can make it through the day.

This killing’s spree’s a lot to comprehend.

So the plan for now is never sleep again.

Never sleep again. Never sleep again.

I’m all alone without a single friend.

And I swear to God I’ll never sleep again.

Kids, sit down and listen to this story about me,

And how I wasted seven days watching 28 DVDs.

I traveled back through time and space,

With the people on the screen.

And we all did some crazy things,

Way out in NYC.

Our adventures they were legendary,

When we all hung out.

But REAL LIFE can be pretty scary,

So I prefer my couch.

I’m not sure if I ever told you, but we would all suit up,

And get drinks at McLaren’s,

Where they’d serve us way too much.

And in this crowded little Irish Pub,

We did some awesome stuff.

And if I had another seven days,

It still wouldn’t be enough.

Our adventures…

So Ted I hope you find a lady that can play the bass.

And Marshall, keep on slapping Barney in his stupid face.

Farewell, Lily pad and Robin, you have both been great.

But I cannot waste one more minute, it’s been seven days.

Our adventures...

Helen was a moron and she made it pretty clear.

She went into the bathroom and she looked into the mirror.

She stared at her reflection and    

she said his name five times.

When he found her in that parking ramp...      

She was totally hypnotized.

He is the writing on the wall.     

He is the writing on the wall.

She had to write a paper    

so she came up with a plan.

But when she hit the bathroom, man   

the BM hit the fan.

I swear I will not lie to you,         

It’s the grossest thing I’ve seen.

Helen got her skull bashed in    

when she went to Cabrini-Green.

He is the writing on the wall. 

He is the writing on the wall.

Have you heard the whispers?            

There’s a buzz around this place.

Helen killed a rottweiler.         

With a cleaver to the face.

And then she killed her best friend       

with a big old kitchen knife.

Honey, Bee his victim. He is gonna end your life.

He is the writing on the wall. 

He is the writing on the wall.

Trevor was a cheater,  

banging students on the side.

Blood is meant for shedding.            

And this monster had to die.

Sticky situation.               

When the blood is on your hands.

And there’s no way to escape him.

Cause the hook just brings you back.

He is the writing on the wall. 

He is the writing on the wall.

Sweets to the sweet. Do you believe?

Down in the basement of the Forman home.

In Point Place, Wisconsin.            

That’s where the hippies go.

Eric was a good kid. Loved his GI Joe’s.

But some of his friends act like life is just a joke.

Don’t tell Red… But I think they’re getting high.

Don’t tell Red… He’ll put a foot in their behinds.

Don’t tell Re-ee-ed…That I think he’s a helluva guy.

Don’t tell Red…I’d rather hang with him than Hyde. 

Down in the basement, next to Bob and Midge.

Satan keeps his soda, in the extra fridge.

There was a car you could cruise the vista in.

Until the garage sale     

when the brownies were kicking in.

Don’t tell Red… But the girls are gonna fight.

Don’t tell Red… Jackie’s pissed and Laurie bites.

Don’t tell Re-e-ed… That his daughter’s upstairs cryin’.

Don’t tell Red…It seems Taternuts must die. 

Goin’ Goin’ Goin’ Goin’ Down to the Basement!

When I was a little kid                    

I was obsessed with Teen Wolf.

There’s not much left to say, 

Cause nothing rhymes with Teen Wolf.

I loved watching Scott Howard surf on a van.

He played basketball against a full grown man.

He didn’t strike out the liquor store.

And he sure pissed off old Rusty Thorn.

When I was a little kid      

I was obsessed with Teen Wolf.

And now I’m fully grown,         

and I still love Teen Wolf.

I never had a friend like Styles.

To help me get in touch with my wild side.

I never had a friend like Boof.

To kiss me under the harvest moon.

I’m never gonna give up watching Teen Wolf.

I’ll be in a nursing home still watching Teen Wolf.

Life Goals are good.

Benson and Stabler are on the case.

If I were a bad guy I’d run away.

If I were a victim I’d feel so safe.

‘Cause Benson and Stabler    

are on the streets today.

Benson and Stabler will get their man.

They’ll go through the evidence          

and make a plan.

The doors of the prison will close with a slam.

Oh, Benson and Stabler I am your biggest fan.

Oh Elliot…Let’s tell the truth.

You’ve taken a swing at a suspect or two.

And Olivia… You know there were more.

He may be accused of excessive force (Fours)

Whoah oh oh.

1-2-3-4.

I am not bored.

1-2-3-4.

I am not….

’Cause Benson and Stabler are on tv

And that’s good enough for me.

Spengler was the quiet type        

who always gets the girl.

Without his giant cranium,        

they could never save the world.

Hold on to your twinkies      

if you’ve heard this one before.

This dude has a hobby;        

he’s got fungus, molds, and spores.

Do, Ray, Egon. 

Venkman was a drinker          

and a smoker and a flirt.

But Dana Barrett shot him down,         

and man I bet that hurt.

He never even gave up      
when she told him he was odd.

‘Cause Bustin’ makes you feel so good,        

you’ll swear that you’re a god.

Do, Ray, Egon.

Ray and Winston drove around        

conversing like old friends.

Quoting what the bible says        

about how the planet ends.

I wish that I was with them        

even though I was too young.

You know those two got crazy         

and they had a lot of fun.

Do, Ray, Egon.

Quiet on the set, we’ll shoot scene one.

Check your index cards for motivation.

Mustard yellow, avocado green.

Saddest tv show you’ve ever seen.

Felix…Relax. That’s a wrap!

Quiet on the set, we’ll shoot scene two.

Take your places you know what to do.

The laugh track plays but Oscar wants to cry.

Syndication just won’t let him die.

Felix…Relax. That’s a wrap!

First day of kindergarten.

That’s when the best ship started.

On the swing set in the sun.

Best thing they’ve ever done.

Good times in Castle Byers.

To the sound of synthesizers.

Every night and every day.

Till girls got in the way.

They’re cuter than Susy and Dustin.

Or Chrissie and Eddie Munson.

They’re more fun than Hopper and Joyce.

Frog Face and Zombie Boy.

Gimme more Frog Face and Zombie Boy.

Riding bikes all over town.

Staying out of the upside down.

Nintendo games were played.

And half the town got flayed.

Eggo waffles and pineapple pizza.

What’s the cure for Will’s amnesia?

Words spoken from the heart.

I hope they never part.

Cause no one likes Karen and Ted.

And her boyfriend Billy is dead.

And Eleven will be annoyed.

But it’s Frog Face and Zombie Boy.

The people want more                 

of Frog Fac e and Zombie Boy.

Robin and Steve were cute.

When the worked at Scoops Ahoy.

But the couple we need is Frog Face and Zombie Boy.

Don’t call me Abby.

Don’t call me Brittney.

Don’t call me Carol.

Don’t call me Dorothy.

Don’t call me Eunice.

Don’t call me Francine.

Don’t call me Ginger.

Or Hermione.

My name is JD. My parents named me.

Let’s stick to that please. No need to be mean.

Don’t call me Judy.

Don’t call me Kimmy.

Don’t call me Lindsay.

Don’t call me Margorie.

Don’t make me go on.

This song is too long.

Don’t call me Zsa Zsa.

‘Cause it  feels wrong.

My name is JD. My parents named me.

Let’s stick to that please. No need to be mean.

Every morning at 6:00

My stupid alarm keeps going off.

I go downstairs for a cup of joe.

And talk to locals about the snow.

I have tried so hard 

but some things never change.

I took the toaster to the bathtub today.

I hope someday you'll want to take my name.

And help me end the curse of Groundhog's day.

I might break down and cry.

I cannot do this one more time.

I would kill for some control.

But nothing matters anymore.

I have tried so hard but some things never change.

I took the toaster to the bathtub today.

I hope someday you'll want to take my name.

And help me end the curse of Groundhog's day. 

You get to drink from the Firehose!

You get to drink from the Firehose!

     I'm going to Francis. To get some grub. 

     I'm going to Up Down. To play some games. 

     Minneapolis in the summer.  

     Party all night. Party every day 

     I'm pretty sure there is no fuel in my Prius.

     So it looks like I'll be hopping on my bike. 

     I should stay home cuz my bank account is 

     in the hole again.

     But the one thing I can't resist is burger time. 

     They know my order when I walk in. 

     I change my clothing. But my face is the same. 

     Couch Potato with a side of coleslaw. 

     I like the food. And I love the name. 

     Edward 40 hands sounds fun when you're 21. 

     But my bladder can't play since I turned 39. 

     I got a pocket full of tokens and my Uber says it’s 

     on its’ way right now. 

     Because the one thing I can't resist is burger time. 

        I wanna be your love interest.

        Cuz I'm interested in loving you.

        I'll be He-man and you can be Sheera. 

        I'll be the shaggy to your Scooby Doo.

       You can be Morticia Addams. 

       And I will be your Gomez, dear.

          You can be my Peggy Bundy. 

         We can sit around drinking beer.

        I could go on and on for days and days. 

        But I’d much rather kiss you all over the place.

        If the plot seems thin... Well that’s okay. 

        It’s the role that I was born to play.

        I like the way you're thinking baby. 

        Maybe you could list some more. 

        I don’t know about your choices. 

        I'm thinking Evilyn and Skeletor. 

        Maybe Elliot and ET. 

        Maybe Gargomel and Azriel.  

        Maybe Lily and Herman Munster. 

        You be the Beast and I'll be Belle. 

        Are you picking up what I’m laying down?

        Can we skip to the part where we start making out?

        Can we buy a house in some cute little town?

        Cuz I’m happier when you’re around.

        I wanna be your love interest. 

        We can film some scenes in the nude.

        You can be my leading lady. 

        You can be my leading dude.

        When the dialogue is stupid. 

        When the final act is weird.

        I wanna be the one who holds you. 

        For the next 100 years.

        I wanna be your love interest. 

        I wanna hold you in my arms.

        I wanna be your love interest. 

        I wanna offer you my heart.

        I wanna be your love interest. 

        I wanna marry you under the stars.

        I wanna be your love interest.

        Say less. You’ve got the part. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        And Tim's a piece of $#!+.

        Running merch for all the bands. 

        Always lends a helping hand.

        Baseball games and riverboats. 

        That's why she's the f#c%!ng GOAT. 

        Hands to show you how cum works. 

        That's the end of the Cleland verse

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        And Tim's a piece of $#!+.

        Everything is fucking fine.

        When you’re flipping off babies and doing lines.

        Drinking whiskey and getting weird. 

        Selfies starring his big, dumb beard. 

        That's the end of the Schumann verse. 

        Jesus Christ, he's the fucking worst.

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        And Tim's a piece of $#!+.

        Sharing her pizza and giving out hugs. 

        Keeping Tim from doing too many drugs.

        Taking Hilde for late night walks. 

        Chilling on her deck for all the best talks.

        She’s the sweetest of all the peas. 

        I think Jeanette’ the m*therf#c%!ng bee’s knees

        And some say Tim has his moments...

        But they’re few and far between. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool. 

        I think Jeannette's real cool.

        Jeannette's REAL COOL.