Foat-Wulping

"To wulp or not to wulp—that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to wulp the foats of outrageous fortune, or to wulp against a foat of troubles and by opposing wulp them."

– William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

Introduction

Foat-wulping is a term coined by Samuel Burke while dining with his family at Longhorn Steakhouse, year unknown. The term is translatable as "field-frolicking", but Burke has since complicated its meaning by claiming that "one does not simply wulp in the foats." The term must be used in a rehearsed, well-thought-out comedic context, and it must be recited in a catchy poetic or song-like rhythm. For instance, after this term was invented, Burke looked at himself in his bathroom mirror and sang the tune, "he oughta be wulpin' in the foats", his head and shoulders tilting along with the tune. If one hears another person use the term in a casual conversation or a blatantly comedic situation, one must tell him or her, "never wulp the foats in vain", and smack him or her across the cheek. The style of humor behind this term comes from a fusion of "Tim and Eric's dumb, awkward absurdity" and "the complex and thoughtful world-building of The Matrix and Lord of the Rings".

In his own personal anecdote, Burke was around seven or eight while living in Exton, Pennsylvania when he received a children's menu at Longhorn. He subsequently handed it over to his father Greg, who proceeded to break every rule of every puzzle and word game included in the menu. These included word scrambles for which Greg instantly "unscrambled" the letter combinations, like "YCBWOO" into "PINEAPPLE", and maze puzzles in which he simply drew straight paths through the walls of the mazes to the very end. This stupid shit was nothing new for Greg, as he once submitted a Red Robin Gourmet Burger Contest entry called the Holy Crap Burger—topped off with "100% Jehovah's Witness"—and registered himself under the name "William Bullseye" with "yes" filled in for his birthday. On the Longhorn menu, he only circled non-existent words on the word search, two of them having been "WULP" and "FOATS". In brief, his son has since kept these "words" alive while he gave them up a decade and a half ago.