Che Guevara Wein-Pax

“Every drunk has the booze in his liver. No matter how complicated his hangover, no matter how others look at him from the pub bathroom, and no matter how deep or shallow the booze dwells in his liver, once his liver is pierced with a colored pencil, the booze will gush forth like a shaken champagne bottle.”

– Definitely Che Guevara. Definitely.

Introduction

Che Guevara Wein-Pax (AKA Che Pax and O.J. Wein-Pax) is a pseudonym used by loosely related social movement leaders who were all born in the United States in a very specific manner. Each of these children—the first of whom was given the birth name Che Pax, which acted as the origin of the name—are the only children of former new-age Avant-Garde artists and musicians from rural middle-income neighborhoods. They were born through an obscure, medically appalling birthing method referred to as "orgasmic birth", during which the woman experiences a sexual climax as the process finishes, typically a result of her male partner rubbing her sciatic nerve with both hands from behind. Each child born by this method is reported to have developed an Oedipus complex, a tendency to commit rape, a dream of working in the film industry, an uncanny ability to devour an entire unpeeled banana at once, and an uncontrollable urge to overthrow, as they see it, the oppressive autocrats in charge of the U.S. government. All known suspects that were born through the orgasmic birth approach, in states ranging all the way from Alabama to Tennessee, have been charged with multiple counts of sexual assault that helped ignite the #MeToo movement, worked as either motion picture screenwriters or censors in The Weinstein Company, fired assault weapons and pepper spray at protesters and news reporters during Black Lives Matter demonstrations, and assaulted Capitol Police officers while leading the infiltration into the hearing rooms of the U.S. Capitol Building during the January 6 insurrection in 2021. After discovering an abandoned Memphis wine cellar where one of the suspects was found squatting, police found nearly 450 six-packs of pinot grigio wine and a hundred shirtless male modeling photos with the head of Kevin Spacey from the 2001 science fiction mystery film K-PAX taped over the models' faces. The suspects were only given a small fine and a slap on the wrist thanks to their creativity.

The strange case of the Che Guevara Wein-Pax pseudonym seems to have been a simple joke made by a group of middle-aged men come true. Prior to the phenomenon's beginnings, the YouTube channel RedLetterMedia (they've had quite the presence here, which is surely just a startling coincidence) watched and discussed a documentary about the orgasmic birth approach, aptly titled "Orgasmic Birth: The Best-Kept Secret", on episode 78 of their sub-series Best of the Worst. At a certain point in the documentary, a child of one married couple was referred to as "Che Pax" in an onscreen overlay, which was the point where the group—joined by former Hollywood child actor Macaulay Culkin—gave up on watching the film and moved onto the next video, as they drew the line at "hippie names", in their own words. Co-host Mike Stoklasa joked that the parents loved Cuban revolutionary leader Che Guevara and K-PAX equally and couldn't decide on whose name to use, after which Culkin suggested the name "Harvey Weinstein" for the baby. After co-host Jay Bauman stated that nothing could be worse than naming the child "Wein-Pax", Stoklasa combined all three into one long name: Che Guevara Wein-Pax. How this led to the creation of a recent paradox in the world of developmental psychology and sociology has yet to be determined, and may be beyond the comprehension of mere mortal minds.