Central New York Universal Life Church - Course Syllabus

Course Title: Pre-Marital Class

Instructor Name: Rev. Arnold Scott

Phone #: (607) 431 - 8521

E-mail: cnyulc.scheduling@gmail.com

Course Description: This class is designed to give couples an overview of what married life is all about. This course is designed after the Unitarian Church's “Principled Life” program. After completing this class, couples will have a better understanding of married life.

Note: There are no prerequisites or outside materials required to complete this class. This class is open to members and non-members and assumes no prior knowledge of CNYULC or any of its operations.

Evaluation: Students must complete the form after each module. Both parties must attend 4 in-person meetings with the pastor, once during Week 2 and again in weeks 13, 14, and 15.

Attendance: Please complete each module within the time frame allotted. You will be given two or three weeks to complete each module. Both parties getting married must submit the evaluation form for each module to receive credit for each module.

Students with Disabilities Statement: Our policy is to provide, on an individual basis, reasonable accommodation to students with disabilities, which may affect their ability to fully participate in program or course activities or to meet course requirements. Students with disabilities should contact the instructor in advance, to discuss their particular need for accommodations. All course materials can be made available in alternate formats upon request.

Schedule of Classes:

Week(s) 1 - Syllabus and Introductory Material (2 Forms)

Week(s) 2 and 3 - Basic Planning (1 Form)

Week(s) 4 - 6 - Units 1 and 2 (1 Form)

Week(s) 7 - 9 - Units 3 and 4 (1 Form)

Week(s) 10 - 12 - Units 5 and 6 (1 Form)

Week(s) 13 - 15 - Ceremony Planning (No Forms Yet)

End of Module Forms:

Pre-Class Questionnaire

Request for Exemption Form

Schedule of Classes: All due dates will be posted one week before the class starts.

Week(s) 1 - Syllabus and Introductory Material (2 Forms) (Due Date: TBD)

Week(s) 2 and 3 - Basic Planning (1 Form) 

(Meet with the pastor during week 2: Due Date: TBD)

Week(s) 4 - 6 - Units 1 and 2 (1 Form) (Due Date: TBD)

Week(s) 7 - 9 - Units 3 and 4 (1 Form) (Due Date: TBD)

Week(s) 10 - 12 - Units 5 and 6 (1 Form) (Due Date: TBD)

Week(s) 13 - 15 - Ceremony Planning (1 Form) 

(Meet with the pastor during weeks 13, 14, and 15. Due Date: TBD)

Wedding Planning

Note: Start Planning at least a year before the ceremony. Remember to take our class early and our team will help you stay on track as part of our package. The team will also give you reminders as we work through the content. The content of this class is designed to take about four to six months to complete. The earlier you finish this class, you will be 1) better prepared and 2) less stressed since this is completed. We are also available for music and event planning.

Let's get started - Select a wedding day about 12 or 13 months from now. The longer you give yourself more time to catch up on anything you forgot or haven't completed yet.

12 - 13 Months Before the Ceremony: Initial Discussions

• Talk with partner and family about financials

• Decide on location and season

• Initial Discussion with the officiant and set pre-marital classes. 

• Research wedding costs in your area, Figure out a budget for major categories 

• Start and begin to track your wedding budget 

• Announce your engagement, Have an engagement party 

• Choose wedding colors, styles, themes, and traditions 

• Start putting together your guest list and start looking at venues

9 - 12 Months

• Start any pre-marital classes you may need 

• Estimate and Finalize guest count from the previous phase 

• Research and Book Ceremony Site, Reception Venue, Photographer, Videographer, Caterers, Bartender, 

• Research, Design, and Print Save the Day and Invitations

• Create a Wedding Website 

• Block out hotel rooms for guests 

• Book your wedding night hotel 

• Choose your wedding party 

• Send Save the Dates

• Schedule Engagement Photos

• Start your wedding registry and add some gifts 

• Create a cash reserve fund

6 to 8 Months Before 

• Research and either buy or arrange the rental of Wedding Attire for both parties getting married 

• Research and Book a Florist, Disk Jockeys, Musicians, Cake Baker, rental and lighting pros, and cocktail hour musicians

• Research and Decide on bouquets, additional boutonnieres, and corsages

• Research, Design, and Print Rehearsal Dinner Invites

• Research and Book Rehearsal Dinner Venue

• Research Honeymoon options 

• Research and Buy or Setup Rentals for Wedding Attire for both wedding parties 

• Finalize all rental orders 

3 - 5 Months Before 

• Decide if you want a photo booth If yes, reserve and pay for it now. 

• Decide if either party will change their name at marriage

• Book and Pay for Honeymoon

• Research and Book Hairstylists, Makeup artists, transportation company

• Send out Wedding and Rehearsal Dinner Invites

• Create Wedding Registries and Provide your shipping address to your gift registry

• Research and Buy Wedding Rings if they were not purchased at engagement

• Research and Buy any ceremony or reception extras

• Research and Buy any gift and favor and welcome bag 

• Research and Buy ceremony decorations

• Arrange for guest shuttle or parking

• Build Wedding Website: Add location and photo, RSVP Form with Meal Choices, Add events and details. 

• Research and book a bartending or alcohol service, if not included in your venue or catering

• Research and Buy toss extras for your exit, accessories, ceremony extras

• Plan your big exit

• Confirm meal selections with the venue or caterer

1 - 2 Months Before 

• Decide on rehearsal dinner outfits 

• Start working on and finalize your toasts and ceremony readings, your ceremony outline, and vows. 

• Finalize cake/dessert menu and quantity 

• Buy wedding party gifts, gifts for your parents, and gifts for the kids 

• Make a honeymoon packing list 

• Create, Work, and Finalize the seating chart

• Send reminders to RSVP

• Choose, design, and print your ceremony programs

• Confirm rehearsal ceremony and dinner timeline and attendance

• Next-to-last wedding dress and attire fitting and Hair and makeup trial! 

• Start practicing for your first dance 

• Have a communication game plan 

• Buy or make a day-of emergency kit

• Choose menu cards and table numbers 

• Pick up your wedding attire and your partner's attire

Between one week and one month before 

• Get your marriage license

• Finish shopping and pack for the honeymoon

• Prepare your toasts

• Finalize the song list for your reception

• Finalize the shot list for the photo/videographer

• Put tip money aside for vendors

• Confirm details and payments with vendors and the wedding day schedule with the wedding party 

• Write a sweet note to your partner

Day Prior

• Pull together all the essentials

• Drop off decor to the venue(s)

• Rehearsal and Dinner

• Relax and set your alarm 

Day of Wedding

• Smile. It's your big day! 

• Package up leftover wedding cake

• Gather up keepsakes and gifts

Post Wedding

• Return rentals

• Preserve your bridal bouquet and arrange for the gown and veil to be cleaned and preserved

• Write and send thank-you notes. 

• Update insurance policies, do the paperwork for a name change, Store registered marriage license/certificate in a safe place, and Distribute change of address info. 

• Order and share wedding photos and video

Wedding Budget - Average Wedding 2023: $29K (Direct and Indirect Costs)

Some Categories are combined, and you may have multiple "vendors" in each category. The numbers below may not add up to the number above. The average costs below are a guideline and some couples may forgo certain costs bringing their total budget down.

Ceremony venue 1.00% $150-$290

Reception venue 8.00% $1,200-$2,320

Planner/Coordinator 1.75% $263-$508

Food and service 30.00% $4,500-$8,700

Beverage and bartenders 8.00% $1,200-$2,320

Photographer 6.50% $975-$1,885

Prints and photo album 1.00% $150-$290

Videographer 5.00% $750-$1,450

DJ and lighting 3.00% $450-$870

Live music 4.00% $600-$1,160

Entertainment/activities 1.50% $225-$435

Ceremony decorations 1.00% $150-$290

Reception decorations & centerpieces 4.00% $600-$1,160

Bouquet 0.70% $105-$203

Wedding party bouquets 1.00% $150-$290

Wedding party boutonnieres 0.25% $38-$73

Additional corsages,etc. 0.50% $75-$145

Invitations and reply cards 2.00% $300-$580

Other stationery 0.50% $75-$145

Cake 2.50% $375-$725

Officiant 1.00% $150-$290

Dress and alterations 6.00% $900-$1,740

Headpiece and veil 1.00% $150-$290

Wedding accessories 1.00% $150-$290

Tux or suit 0.60% $90-$174

Additional accessories 0.20% $30-$58

Wedding Rings 2.00% $300-$580

Hair Stylist 1.00% $150-$290

Makeup Artist 1.00% $150-$290

Transportation 1.00% $150-$290

Favors 1.50% $225-$435

Gifts (wedding party, parents) 0.50% $75-$145

Other/Tips 1.00% $150-$290

Other Expenses (Average Costs = Allow 10% of your budget)

Marriage Certificate and Cost of Name Change: (Average Costs = $100)

End of Module Feedback Form

Covenants

"It takes years to marry completely two hearts, even the most loving and well assorted. A happy wedlock is a long falling in love." — Theodore Parker, nineteenth-century Unitarian minister

What is a Covenant? A covenant is simply put as an agreement. Covenants are central to committed relationships. Whether spoken as vows or written like a contract, a couple's covenant articulates the highest intentions of both partners, binding them in mutual agreement and good faith. Covenants are not just for wedding ceremonies and services of union — covenants can be revisited and reaffirmed throughout the "long falling in love" of a long-term committed relationship. Safety, trust, and good intentions create space for mutual acceptance and encouragement of personal and spiritual growth.

Consider the guiding Principle for this session, "Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth." Take a moment to reflect on how covenants can manifest acceptance of others and help to encourage spiritual growth. Have you had any personal experience with covenants? How can your experiences assist the couples in their covenant writing?

This lesson will help participants examine and clarify their intentions and share them with their partners, with whom they will create a mutual covenant. Couples will be able to refer to and expand upon their covenants during upcoming workshops, using their covenants to guide them through the process of enhancing their relationships. This program offers an opportunity for couples to reaffirm, expand, or enhance the covenants they may have already made together.

Humility

"Religion is to do right. It is to love, it is to serve, it is to think, it is to be humble." — Ralph Waldo Emerson, nineteenth-century author and speaker, trained as a Unitarian minister

Humility is a virtue that for too long has had a bad rap in religion and society at large. Humility can be associated with weakness, servitude, and acting like an all-around doormat. Such associations, however, do not pertain to the true, healthy kind of humility that we do well to cultivate in our religious and relational lives. Humility is compatible with worth and dignity. It means recognizing our finitude — the limits of our individual and collective understandings. To be humble is to be open and teachable, and to recognize that we don't know everything and still have more to learn. This virtue is truly a gift in our relationships, as it is a gift in our religious lives.

Too often, relationships are thwarted by power struggles, defensiveness, competition, and gender dynamics. A healthy humility in both partners serves as an antidote to these destructive ways of relating and points the way to mutuality, which is an expression of justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.

Consider the guiding Principle for this session, "Justice, equity, and compassion in human relations." Take a moment to reflect on how being open and teachable encourages healthy human relations.

According to UUA minister Scott Alexander, spiritual practice is "any activity or attitude in which you can regularly and intentionally engage, and which significantly deepens the quality of your relationship with the miracle of life, both within and beyond you."

Trust

What is trust?

• We respond in a caring way to each other's needs

• We communicate genuinely

• We have faith in each other to do the best we can

• We can count on each other; we are reliable

Skills to build trust

• Communicating openly

• Being honest

• Following through on commitments

Listening is a foundational element of good communication. Without someone to listen, communication would be incomplete. Deep listening adds another dimension to listening. It helps people listen to what is deep inside, needing to be expressed, yet often ignored or passed over. When we are truly heard, a deep connection begins to grow, strengthening our relationship.

In her book The Sacred Art of Listening, Kay Lindahl, founder of the Listening Center, describes the practice of deep listening as a sacred art. She lists three elements that are essential to deep listening: silence, reflection, and presence.

• Silence slows us down and gives us a chance to reflect. It helps us be present to others. In everyday communication, we so often rush to fill silences with words. In deep listening, we allow and even invite silence.

• Reflection involves taking in what we have heard. Sometimes our first reactions are not representative of our true inner wisdom. Pausing before responding enables us as listeners to integrate content and respond from our better selves.

• Presence is the connection and attention we bring to those with whom we communicate. When we offer our full presence, free from distraction, we are better able to truly listen and enable our partners to feel truly heard.

In an intimate partnership, the creation of "we," or a sense of mutuality, is extremely important. One of the best ways to achieve that state is by communicating openly. Communicating openly includes stating your thoughts and feelings genuinely and respectfully. It means sharing and listening in ways that balance honesty with respect for your partner's feelings. Open communication is not just about the openness of the speaker - it's also about the openness of the listener. When a listener's feelings are hurt, that openness can become closed. Effective communicators are good at observing, listening, and interpreting nonverbal information. They also understand how and when to offer a clear response or opinion, and both partners know when it is appropriate to express their feelings.

Trust is a fundamental cornerstone of healthy relationships, but it is not always freely given and received. It is built through countless interactions and experiences, within and beyond the relationship. Increasing mutual trust can help a relationship grow in equity, compassion, and justice. Conversely, relating with equity, compassion, and justice can help mutual trust flourish. In this way, trust is intertwined with the values celebrated by the second Principle.

Dignity

One definition of dignity is the quality or state of worth, respect, honor, or esteem. In terms of relationships, dignity may mean respecting the rights of your partner. It may mean valuing differences in behavior and style. It may mean ensuring that neither partner is humiliated within the context of the relationship. Dignity may also mean respecting and valuing yourself. In a relationship based on mutual dignity, both partners are worthy, honored, respected, and esteemed.

Dignity is something we may not be conscious of until it is absent - when language or behavior violates dignity. Relationships can be strengthened by consciously embracing and increasing dignity. When partners treat each other with dignity, they both gain a sense of security. They build the confidence, safety, and trust they need to flourish and grow individually and as a couple.

How can we show our partners that they have worth and dignity?

• Taking someone's words and feelings seriously

• Holding the door for someone

• Kissing a partner hello or goodbye

• Keeping one's word

• Saying please and thank you

• Not answering a cell phone call during a conversation

• Remembering special occasions

The concepts of human rights and human dignity go hand in hand. The United States Bill of Rights and the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights are statements of how a government ought to respect its citizens and preserve their dignity. Movements that fight for civil and human rights often do so to protect the dignity of people who have been marginalized and oppressed. What rights do you want to affirm in your relationship - rights that can help each of you uphold one another's worth and dignity? Some examples might be the right to ask for help, the right to say no, the right to honest communication, the right to build friendships . . . the list goes on.

It's easy to see why we would want to be honored, respected, and treated with dignity. In the early phases of a relationship, partners may put a great deal of emphasis on doing so. But as relationships mature, is it natural for honor and esteem to be replaced by a pattern of taking each other for granted?

Relating with dignity means that partners are respectful and worthy of respect. Mutual dignity creates a safe atmosphere in which choices and difficulties can be honestly discussed and resolved. In promoting both partners' ability to express themselves freely, openly, and lovingly, a couple affirms their inherent worth.

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Generosity 

So often in relationships, we focus on getting rather than giving. We ask ourselves, "Is my partner serving my needs?" or "What has my partner done for the relationship lately?" And as the relationship progresses, we often begin to take our partner's gifts for granted. Cultivating both generosity and gratitude can help the relationship stay rich and vital.

Performing simple acts of kindness is a good start. But generosity can go much deeper. We can bestow all types of blessings on each other to enhance our intimate connection. Also, we can give generously as a way to make a ripple in the larger universe. Giving and sharing are spiritual acts that foster our growth in many ways.

One way of increasing gratitude and generosity in a relationship is called Naikan. This reflective practice originated in twentieth-century Japan. It has roots in Buddhism and Eastern psychology. The word Naikan means "looking inside." Its practice cultivates awareness of the self in relationship to others.

Many people, in their day-to-day thinking, tend to focus on the negative - what their partner is doing wrong or has failed to do. Naikan encourages us to shift our focus to the positive - the many gifts offered by our partner. For example, if someone is continually disappointed because his/her partner doesn't clean the bathroom, Naikan does not encourage reflection on this perceived deficit. Instead, it encourages reflection on all the partner has given: "Yesterday she planted a beautiful tree in our yard." "He made me breakfast this morning when I was in a rush." "She went to a birthday party with me last week only because I wanted to go."

Our levels of generosity and gratitude can be affected by two spiritual outlooks: scarcity and abundance. The spiritual mindset of scarcity is a "glass half empty" outlook - seeing such resources as time, energy, money, and love as inadequate. A scarcity outlook can cause us to hoard our gifts, or to share our gifts only when we're sure we'll get something of equal or greater value in return.

A spiritual mindset of abundance perceives gifts such as time, energy, money, and love as plentiful and accessible. It involves a focus on gratitude for all that we can give and receive, rather than a focus on those things we are not giving or receiving. Mindsets of scarcity and abundance can exist no matter how much money a person or family has. Extremely wealthy people can view resources as scarce, and people with very low incomes can experience life as abundant.

All of us bring a great deal of wisdom relating to what we want from and bring to a loving relationship. Sometimes, despite good intentions, emotional or spiritual obstacles can get in the way of being our most generous selves. Those spiritual obstacles might be experiences, attitudes, feelings, or beliefs. Whatever they are, this ritual helps us name and let go of our obstacles.

Each person is an integral part of a much greater whole. Each couple is an integral part of a greater family, community, society, and nature. Generosity and gratitude demonstrate respect for this web while nurturing the threads of interrelationship in our partnerships and beyond. Being grateful to and for each other, and for what life provides, enables a life of greater joy and integrity in this interdependent world.

Connection 

Psychology describes at least four dimensions of human experience: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Couples can feel a connection in any of these areas. They can work to maintain and enhance their physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections. Sometimes our sense of connection can best be expressed in ways that have nothing to do with words. The way partners treat each other, the activities they enjoy together, and their shared goals or spirituality may say more about their relationship than an entire volume of love poetry or romantic stories. Do not assume they know where the answers are headed. The questioner should listen actively, using an encouraging tone of voice, so that the partner feels welcome to search deeper.

At the start of a romantic relationship, it is not unusual for couples to enjoy tuning out the rest of the world. They may be almost completely focused on each other as they get to know each other and revel in their new love. Sustained relationships are often strengthened when partners have close friends and family in their lives. Through these connections, couples benefit from the wisdom, enthusiasm, experience, and support of others. Care and closeness with others can be especially helpful in times of illness, financial struggle, or loss. Not all relationships with family and friends are healthy and satisfying. However, a couple benefits by building those relationships that are positive forces in their lives.

Connection is that deep sense of knowing another person, which gives us the confidence to live in the world as part of a couple. The way we, as partners, communicate with one another — physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually — and the way we connect with others reflect how we value our interdependent web. Further, all of our actions and attitudes as partners are shaped by an interdependent web of family, friends, environment, community, and world.

Play

Play is an important part of a child's development. It is an avenue for growth, assimilation, learning, sensory experience, and self-expression. Child development experts have suggested that children need to play to grow and thrive. Researchers also know that play is an important aspect of the human experience for adults. We like to laugh, play games, and use our imagination and creativity throughout our lives. In relationships, a spirit of playfulness can ease tensions, build intimacy, facilitate connection, help us solve problems, and lower stress. Today we'll look at some ways in which we can bring the spirit of play into our relationships to help them thrive.

Playing together as a couple can be tremendously bonding. However, unfair play, such as hurtful teasing and ridicule, can damage relationships. How can we bring the spirit of play into our relationships in a principled manner, one that honors the principles we seek to uphold in Principled Commitment? Sometimes finding time for play is key - time to get away from the routine, relax, laugh, and be playful. Sometimes play is not something that needs time set aside - it can be a spirit we bring to our everyday activities. Sometimes it's not a matter of time at all, and finding the energy to play is a more crucial issue.

Who says a free and responsible search for truth and meaning can't be fun? A spirit of playfulness can open new possibilities in our understanding of life, as it opens us to a deeper understanding of our partners. Play can create strong connections that sustain couples through difficulties. Play can help us accept our own, our partners, and the universe's foibles. Play can freely and responsibly transform a dull day into a day of laughter, joy, meaning, and truth.

Collaboration

Collaboration within a relationship involves partners actively seeking ways to help each other feel fulfilled. Each supports the other's dreams and works to help the other reach and grow. They pool their resources of knowledge, experience, and skills to more creatively and effectively solve problems. Partners can collaborate most effectively and compassionately when they work together in an atmosphere of trust, respect, and flexibility.

Working well collaboratively can generate excitement as partners work toward a shared vision or goal. It can give both individuals an increased sense of empowerment because they feel confident in the support and encouragement of their partner. At the same time, collaboration can create a more interdependent relationship. With collaboration, both partners have the freedom and ability to solve complex problems, to explore possibilities, and to grow. Collaboration is seldom conflict-free. Collaboration often depends on conflict, as the collaborators start with different needs, concerns, and ideas. In any conflict, both parties make choices about which is more important: the desired outcome of the conflict - in other words, getting what they want - or building the relationship. How they rank these goals guides how they deal with conflict.

Collaborative problem-solving is a process of working together to understand the values and interests involved in a problem and weigh various alternatives accordingly. Instead of starting by debating options, couples start by identifying interests. For example, if one partner wants to send their child Chris to day camp, and the other partner wants Chris to stay at home, the partners would first write down their interests. These might include "saving money," "spending time with Chris," and "developing Chris's social skills." They would then evaluate each option based on those interests and look for creative ways to satisfy the most interests. Collaborative problem-solving depends on effective communication and cooperation. It engages creativity and can help partners break through disagreements when they feel "stuck."

Although we aspire to the ideal of the right relationship, the reality is that as imperfect human beings, we struggle with our not-always-selfless natures. The ability to create just, equal, and compassionate relationships is one of the most important and difficult challenges we face. Conflict, jealousy, and external problems may seem to conspire to undermine our loving relationships. By engaging in respectful interaction, managing conflicts productively, and facing challenges collaboratively, we are better able to sustain mutually loving and beneficial relationships.

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Commitment 

In long-term relationships, commitment can be seen as a "founding value" because it helps both partners feel safe and supported. There are six skills in mutual commitment. They are: Growing together (evolving possibilities), Focusing on self-responsibility and responsibility to each other, Moving beyond obstacles, Valuing each other (not taking each other for granted), Managing changes (expected and unexpected), and Inspiring positive behaviors.

We will now focus on one of the skills that commitment can nurture: growing together. It is natural for humans to grow. Interpersonal growth occurs for people at different rates and at different times. Some people grow so slowly they appear unchanging, while others' personalities seem to change overnight. When couples enter a relationship, they may be at similar points on their evolutionary journey. But sometimes one partner grows when the other doesn't. Or they may both grow, but in different directions. Growth itself can put stress on a relationship. So can attempts to stifle growth. 

Being a member of a congregation involves a big commitment. You commit to sharing in the mission and the vision of the congregation - to personal growth, stewardship, service, and shared ministry. You may be asked to share your time, talent, and treasure often. In return, you are part of a large support system that ministers to you, celebrates the positive occasions in your life, and comforts you in particularly hard times. Take a few moments to think about your personal commitment to the congregation: ways that you are committed to give, receive, and participate in the mission and vision of this congregation. Perhaps you are an active member of the congregation; perhaps you're brand new and don't know if you're committed. Whatever your level of commitment is, we honor that.

Filling Your Bucket: These buckets represent commitments made to oneself, to one's partner, to one's children (if any), and to the greater world. These commitments can range from major ones such as "to love, honor, and cherish," to smaller ones such as "eat organic foods."

* My Personal Bucket (things I do for myself): Exercise, read for pleasure, get enough sleep

* My Partner Bucket (things I do for my partner): Listen to his/her feelings, do the dishes, be faithful physically and emotionally

* My Child Bucket (things I do for my children, if any): Provide food and shelter, nurture their education

* My Greater World Bucket (things I do for the community or world): Do social justice work, vote, use fuel-efficient vehicles

Ideally, we would achieve a rough balance between the types of commitments we make. If we promise ourselves too little, we risk feeling neglected. If we focus too much on a partner's happiness and neglect our own, we may eventually feel cheated.

Our loving relationships are intimately connected with what happens in the greater world. Relationships can teach us to value — or devalue — community, justice, liberty, and peace. When we enact love and justice in our relationships, we are better equipped to enact them in the wider world. The commitments couples make with one another can fuel commitments to live their values socially and politically. By taking charge of personal behaviors, committing to principles, learning to cope with difficulties and change constructively, and living a life of generosity and good intention through loving and compassionate relationships, we help ensure that a similarly positive world becomes a more realistic vision.

Love

The ancient Greeks identified three types of love: Eros, the passionate love between lovers; Philos, the love among close friends; and Agape, the love for the greater society or greater good. The manifestation of all three forms of love can help a healthy relationship grow. Remembering how to love, and acknowledging the need to give and to receive love, is the basis for all affirming human relationships. Love can transform a hurting world. Often, when we think of being in a relationship, we think of only the romantic form of love. But truly healthy relationships exhibit all kinds of love - love for oneself, for children and family, for dear friends, romantic love and intimacy, and compassion for the greater world's needs.

Contemporary psychologists have tried to define love, and it's difficult to do - there are many kinds of love and many expressions. A psychologist named Robert Sternberg created a model for understanding love: a "triangular theory." This theory conceives of love as having three components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. They are represented by the three points of a triangle. Intimacy refers to feelings of close connection and bonding. Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual desire. Decision/commitment is about deciding to love someone and then committing to maintain that relationship.

Couples often strive for "consummate love" - love that is high in all three areas. Consummate love is achieved from time to time, but it is hard to maintain. Stresses can decrease our passion. Overwhelming demands can decrease our intimacy. Events may cause us to think about the reasons for our commitment. Thus love, while constant, can change shape throughout a relationship.

There is a story of an elderly Hasidic rabbi, renowned for his piety. He was unexpectedly confronted one day by one of his devoted, youthful disciples. In a burst of feeling, the young disciple exclaimed, "My master, I love you." The ancient teacher looked up from his books and asked his fervent disciple, "Do you know what hurts me, my son?" The young man was puzzled. Composing himself, he stuttered, "I don't understand your question, Rabbi. I am trying to tell you how much you mean to me, and you confuse me with irrelevant questions." "My question was neither confusing nor irrelevant," rejoined the rabbi, "for if you do not know what hurts me, how can you truly love me?"

We all have tender points - issues that are sensitive or important to us and that stem from our innermost identities. Loving relationships include an understanding and knowledge of these points. These tender points often come from our passion or fears. They may also reflect ethical expectations, pet peeves, or past hurts. They make us vulnerable, because these are the spots where we can be most easily hurt. Yet these tender points can also be a connection to a deep and loving relationship. How a partner responds to these tender points can influence the degree of emotional connection and trust between two people. Partners need to know where to tread lightly, when to support, when to protect, and most importantly, how to hold a loved one's innermost feelings sacred. Each of us has many personal tender points that shape and motivate us. What would you list as your personal tender points - the places where you need to learn to be gentle with yourself? Some examples might include insecurities, fears, dreams, needs, spiritual life, or whatever else is important to the makeup of your being. What does your partner need to know about you as an individual to truly understand who you are?

You will now have the opportunity to create small personal altars. These altars will incorporate symbols and words that you choose in order to remind yourself of the important things you have learned about yourself in these Principled Commitment workshops. You can choose what you would like to reflect in your small altar. It might be an insight, a source of personal strength you have tapped into, or something you learned and want to remember. The altar you build can be used along with a tea light candle to inspire personal reflection, meditation, or prayer in support of personal integrity and your relationship.

The transformative power of love underpins every Principle. It is also the foundation for a healthy individual, a healthy couple, and a healthy community. Love can be seen as the source of meaning and as the expression of faith in human relationships. The Greeks identified three types of love: Eros, the passionate love between lovers; Philos, the love among close friends; and Agape, the love for the greater society or greater good. The manifestation of all three forms of love can help a healthy relationship grow. Remembering how to love, and acknowledging the need to give and to receive love, is the basis for all affirmative human relationships. Love can transform a hurting world.

Celebration

The term "faith" has many meanings. The most common expression of the term reflects a belief in things that can't be proven through conventional means, such as a belief in the existence of God. However, more ancient meanings of faith - from India and Rome - speak to a broader definition: to have faith in something, to believe in it, means to place one's heart upon it. We can place our hearts upon things that are both proven and unproven. That on which we place our hearts is that toward which we orient our lives. Faith can also mean a sort of confidence, a belief in the potential of tomorrow. Sometimes faith comes in the form of patience, which allows things to take their natural course, to unfold in their own natural time.

This final topic workshop is a culmination of all that has been explored and learned during the program. Couples will explore their faith, naming those things on which they "place their hearts." Individuals will be able to celebrate their part in a shared identity made up of two lives that have come together in a healthy and whole relationship. It is a well-deserved celebration of life and love among the community.

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Introduction

Some churches have carefully prescribed rituals and protocols for the wedding ceremony. However, none of these rituals is required by law, which leaves the choice of what is to be said and done at the wedding entirely to the discretion of the minister and the couple involved.

The legal elements required are that the couple must state their intention to marry, in front of witnesses and the officiant and the officiant must pronounce that they are married. Generally, this involves more of a ceremony, not to mention romance, but that is all that is required, and the form that these elements take can vary widely.

For example, a typical wedding ceremony will include the Introduction, Charge to the Couple, Vows, Pronouncement, and Presentation of the New Family. Prayers, readings, and music are most often inserted into the basic ceremony as well. The order in which these components are placed within the ceremony is not important, as long as the finished product flows well. You can build on this basic framework as desired, adding elements or changing the order to suit the couple and the occasion. For example, you may add a ring ceremony, a candle-lighting ceremony, a rose ceremony, a blessing, and even a breaking of the glass.

Once you have determined what elements you wish to include in the ceremony, your task is quite simple. You just assemble the various parts and place them in the desired order, and your ceremony is complete. By using this “Chinese Menu” style of creating a ceremony you can easily create an unlimited number of unique ceremonies, individually suited to the couple involved and with a minimum of effort.

Wedding Ceremony Components

We have access to a “starter collection” of wedding ceremony components you can use in place of a more traditional ceremony. We will work as a team to develop your special custom ceremony.

Introduction & Call to Order - The introduction is the words the minister uses to begin the ceremony. It is a “call to order” of sorts. In some cases, the introductory words might move imperceptibly into the charge to the couple or another facet of the ceremony. The purpose is to succinctly state the purpose of the occasion, inviting the attendees to participate in their role as witnesses to the marriage.

Charge to the Couple - The Charge to the Couple is also referred to as the wedding sermon. It is here that the minister imparts his or her words of wisdom and advice to the couple, reminds them of the serious nature of the commitment they are making, or charges them with the duties incumbent on each of them as a husband or wife. In simple ceremonies, this is often left out for the sake of expediency, or blended in with the introductory words. Short versions of this component are presented here, such that this element can be included in nearly any desired ceremony format.

Vows - The vows are an essential part of a marriage ceremony, and a required element for the marriage to be legal. The vows do not have to take any prescribed form but should convey to the witnesses that it is the expressed desire of both parties to become married. While the officiant could simply ask, “Do you guys want to get married?” this lacks sophistication or any semblance of romance (although it might well be appropriate for a “Vegas-style” quickie wedding!). In some weddings, the couple will recite vows aloud to one another, which can be quite romantic and touching (though if it is overdone, it can be painful and cheesy!). A more traditional approach is for the minister to offer the vows in the form of a question, posed to each party in turn, to which they answer with the traditional “I do,” or “I will.” Another alternative is for the minister to recite the vows, asking each party in turn to repeat the phrases to the other. This works well with formal and traditional wording however, this should not be used when the vows express more tender sentiments.

Ring Vows - The Bride and Groom have brought rings to present to one another as a symbol of their marriage vows today. Although there is no precise evidence to explain the origin of the tradition of exchanging wedding rings, there are two strongly held beliefs. The more recent, dating back to the 17th century, explains that during a Christian wedding, the priest arrived at the fourth finger (counting the thumb) after touching the three fingers on the left hand '...in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost'. The more ancient and widely accepted explanation refers to the early Egyptian’s belief that a circle was the symbol of eternity--a sign that life, happiness, and love have no beginning and no end. A wedding ring, or circle, was placed on the third finger of the left hand, the ring finger because it was traditionally believed that this finger was a direct connection to the heart -- the perfect spot to place a symbol, representing eternal love and commitment. The vein of love runs directly from the “ring finger” to the heart.

Readings - We have readings drawn from many sources the bible included. For the sake of time, please limit yourself to one reading.

Prayers - The prayer is typically the shortest part of the service and gives the pastor a chance to impart positive words of wisdom to the couple.

Pronouncement - The pronouncement is the time in the ceremony when the minister, having heard the vows, pronounces that the couple is married. This is a dramatic moment and is best done with some degree of formality and flair. Authority to solemnize a marriage is granted to the minister by the state and by the church. The minister will often refer to this authority in the pronouncement, for dramatic impact, however it is not required. Either or both references may be left out, depending on the couple's preference. It is customary for the minister to invite the couple to kiss immediately following the pronouncement because if this is delayed, it is likely that one of the eager spectators will inadvertently have the honor of the “first kiss.”

Presentation of New Family - The fitting conclusion to any ceremony is the presentation of the new family.

Sample Wedding Words

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