It was late at night when a boy was held in the police station. He was caught for stealing yet again. Inspector Cheng Teikor looked hard at the boy’s father.
“Hey, your kid’s been in the station too many times. I am tired of seeing him here.”
“Yeah, me too,” replied the father. “I am tired of seeing him here too.”
"Well, if you know he’s been on the wrong way and doing all the wrong things,” said Inspector Cheng, “why don't you teach him the right way? When he learns the right way, he won’t be here anymore.”
“You think I don’t know what the problem is?” the father sighed. “I’ve already taught him all about the right way. But still, he can’t do it. Got himself caught yet again. Now, what am I to do if he can’t learn the right way of stealing?”
Two monks were heading back to their monastery when they came to a river where the bridge had collapsed. A pretty maiden was standing by the water’s edge. She said:
“Dear sirs, can you help me across?”
The two bald monks looked at each other. They had taken a vow not to touch women. But the older one soon walked over to the pretty maiden and carried her up. He held on tight to her body, waded across the river, and once on the other shore, placed her down gently and waved goodbye.
The younger monk's eyes grew big. He couldn’t believe what had happened.
He rushed across the river to where his senior was, wanting to say something about wrong conduct, but no words came to his mouth.
Several minutes passed silent between them. Finally the young monk could take it no longer. He blurted out:
“Hey, as monks, I thought we are not permitted to touch women! How could you carry that pretty maiden in your arms?!”
The older monk looked at him and said:
“Yeah, you are right. But I’ve set her down a long time ago already. Why are you still carrying her?”
There once lived a man well-versed in fortune-telling. His name was Sai Ong. One day his horse ran away.
Hearing the news, his nosy neighbours gathered and came offering their sympathy, “Wow, so bad luck!” But Sai Ong was unmoved. He simply replied:
“Who knows if it’s bad luck.”
The next day, the horse returned, bringing several wild horses back with it. Hearing the news, the nosy neighbours came congratulating Sai Ong, “Wow, so good luck!” But Sai Ong was unmoved. He simply replied:
“Who knows if it’s good luck.”
And the next next day when Sai Ong’s son tried to ride one of these wild horses, he was thrown off and thus broke his leg. Again the nosy neighbours gathered to offer their sympathy, “Wow, so bad luck!” But Sai Ong was unmoved. He simply replied:
“Who knows if it’s bad luck.”
Not long after, the country was invaded. Many soldiers died in the war. In the name of National Service, conscription officers came drafting boys of suitable age to fight the invaders. But because Sai Ong’s son had a broken leg, the officers exempted him. The neighbours again gathered and congratulated the family on how well things had turned out.
“Who knows if it’s good luck,” Sai Ong told them.
Two farmers lived next to each other. They had both sowed the seeds early in winter, such that by springtime, green shoots were sprouting in their fields.
To speed the growth of his crops further, Farmer A tugged and pulled the green shoots making them taller. He then showed off to his wife, “Look, look how well our crops are growing, so much faster than our neighbour’s! Aren’t I good?”
Impressed, his wife hugged and kissed her husband, “Wow, you are right! You are such a great farmer!”
And the next day, in Farmer A’s field, all of the elongated plants died.
And so there was this hundred-year old man – Ha Buay See – lying on the hospital bed. He was thinking about death when Death walked in to his room.
Ha Buay See cried to Death:
“Please, oh please, I’m about to get all my organs replaced, you can’t take me away now! I have only just retired and am about to marry my sweet mistress. I am now the richest man in Singaland and just about to enjoy life. You have to let me live another hundred years more! My doctor said he has got the equipment and knowledge to keep me feeling new and young, I just need to go through a few more operations. You must give me a chance, you must!”
Death thought about it a while and said:
“Okay. I can spare you another hundred years. But it’s a life for a life, I have to take one of your sons instead. So if you want to live, give me one who’s willing to sacrifice his life for you.”
And so Ha Buay See summoned all his sons by his bed that night. He asked them one by one. “Eh, are you willing to sacrifice your life for me?”
His eldest son, himself already an old man of eighty years, didn't dare look his father in the eye. He of course was not willing to sacrifice, because he had lived only for eighty years. And if his father was not contented with hundred, how could he be with just eighty? No way man!
The second eldest, seventy-five years old already, also didn't dare look his father in the eye. He looked down at the floor, quiet, because he also was not willing to sacrifice himself.
And it's the same with the third son, the fourth, the fifth ... until suddenly, the youngest son, a boy of eight, stepped out and said, "Okay, let’s not waste time already. No need to ask them anymore. I am fine with it, I am okay. Death can take my life instead."
Death was surprised. He said to the boy:
“Erm, according to my list, you are not supposed to die yet. Your other brothers, your father — they are all old already — and these people are not ready to go. Yet you are the youngest, you havn't lived at all, why are you ready to go?”
The young boy replied:
“If my father couldn’t live in a hundred years and be satisfied with it, if my eldest brother couldn’t live in eighty and be satisfied with it, if my second brother could not live in seventy-five … I mean, nobody has been able to live and be satisfied at all. This whole project of living must be nonsense. So I might as well not waste time. Why wait for many more years to die? If these people have not been able to manage, then surely it must be unmanageable. But since my father is interested to try, well, let him try a hundred years more. But me, I don't want to waste time.”
Death looked at Ha Buay See. Ha Buay See nodded his head. And so Death left with the boy.
~
A hundred years later, Death returned. Ha Buay See was in his room again, pleading:
“I’m really sorry, Mr Death. I know I should be ready by now, but you know, there’s still so much more to do! Technology is so advanced now, it can really transform me into a youthful young man. I am still not ready to die yet. Because I’ve wasted too much time doing silly and unnecessary things in these hundred years. Now I really want to live a good and meaningful life. Can you give me another hundred years more? I promise, this time I will really make full use of my time to live. I will not waste it. I will really live like I know death is inevitable. I will treasure my time properly. I will really live like…”
Death shook his head at Ha Buay See and said, “Why are you so like that?”
An old lady was always crying outside the Kwan Im Temple.
On sunny days she would cry, "Old heaven, why are you so cruel? Why do you keep the sun shining and shining, now nobody would buy any raincoat from my eldest daughter! So poor thing she is… Her shop selling raincoat, no business at all!"
On rainy days the old lady would cry, "Old heaven, why are you so cruel? Why do you keep the clouds raining and raining, now nobody would buy any ice tea from my youngest daughter! So poor thing she is... Her stall selling ice tea, no business at all!"
Everyone in the area was fed-up with the old lady. Nobody could cheer her up. Nobody could get her to shut up. And so she just kept crying and crying in sorrow all the time.
Ali, an avid photographer, happened to pass by the area one day. He wanted to take some beautiful pictures there. But he couldn’t focus. The lady’s non-stop wailing disturbed him. Finally he went over and asked:
“Err… auntie, are you okay or not? Why do you keep crying?”
The old lady gave Ali a quick glance, then continued wailing. “I cry because heaven is so cruel! So very cruel!”
“Why, what’s the problem? Why do you say heaven is cruel?”
The old lady took out a piece of tissue and blew her nose hard on it. She went on to complain about sunny days and rainy days and how poor thing her daughters were and how difficult it was to do business in such a terrible Singaland climate.
Listening to her complaint, Ali was confused. He thought for a moment and said:
“Okay auntie, why don’t you try this? On sunny days, think of your youngest daughter selling ice tea, wow business so good! On rainy days, think of your eldest daughter selling raincoats, wow business so good! Then every day is a good day. Every day you can hahaha in happiness and joy. No need to cry anymore."
For a brief instant, the old lady smiled. Her face lit up.
Then there was a passing cloud. The sky darkened. And her face darkened too.
“But what about my youngest daughter on rainy days? What’s going to happen to her ice tea business? And what about my eldest daughter on sunny days? What’s going to happen to her raincoat business?”
Ali could give no reply. So he soon left. The old lady thus continued her crying.
And moments later, heaven burst into crying too.
"Old heaven, why are you so cruel? Why do you keep raining and raining, now nobody would buy any ice tea from my youngest daughter! So poor thing she is... Her stall selling ice tea, no business at all!"
A pair of fellow travellers – Muthu and Samy – lost their way in the mountains. They got themselves separated too. And so Muthu wandered about alone until the sky turned dark. Then by a stroke of luck, he found a small cottage and asked if he could stay there for the night.
The owner refused at first, saying he was haunted by night monsters and that his cottage was not a safe place to stay. But Muthu was desperate. He kept pleading and pleading. Finally the owner relented.
After supper, indeed, there was a loud rattling at the door. Muthu rushed to the door and held it fast. All night long the banging and clawing continued, but Muthu just kept enduring and enduring and held the door closed.
When daylight came, the commotion finally stopped. Muthu then walked over to the glass window for a peek outside. Oh shit! The supposed monster was his friend – Samy! His friend had also come to the cottage hoping to get shelter!
Muthu threw open the door and hugged his exhausted companion. The owner thus commented:
The monster outside bangs the door
The monster inside holds it close
From head to toe, they sweat big drops
Fighting for their very lives
Enduring through the night
Until at last when dawn arrives
And their hahaha fills the early light –
For they were friends,
Right from the very start.
When Lady Lau Bak Sai heard that she was to be married to Marquis Xian of the Jin state, she cried and cried and yelled that she won’t get married. She cried until all her clothes were wet. Every. Single. Day. But her father simply ignored her protests.
Then when she had after some time settled into the palace of Jin, slept in satisfaction those big comfortable beds, tasted in satisfaction those grand exotic feasts, she realized how silly it was to have cried all those days before her wedding.
Inside an inn, a man carrying a big bag of money complained to Mulla Nasrudin:
"Why, although I am so rich, I am also so miserable. I have tried to buy happiness, but still, I cannot get it. Tell me, Mulla, what do I have to do to feel happy?"
“Perhaps your bag of money is the problem,” Nasrudin said. “Pass them to me. Let me take a look.”
The man was hesitant. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. But eventually he passed the bag to Mulla Nasrudin, who took it, and suddenly sprinted out the inn.
The man was shocked. It took him several seconds before his senses recovered and he started giving chase.
The man ran after his bag of money but Nasrudin was too fast for him. Still the man ran until he was almost out of breath. Then he saw his money bag sitting in the middle of the road with no one else about. Nasrudin could not be seen anywhere.
The man quickly went to check his bag. Oh yes! All his money were still inside! He was so happy that he leapt and danced in joy. All worry and misery were gone from his heart.
Nasrudin, hiding behind a tree, observed all these and smiled. He thought to himself:
"Well, that’s one way to bring happiness to a sad man. Finding what was his own all the while."
A rich man, Encik Tan, found all his gold coins transformed to ash one day. He was so shocked that he couldn't eat or sleep. A good friend, hearing of his sickness, visited the rich man to give some advice:
“You ah, because you didn’t make good use of your wealth, you hoarded them up, now the gold coins are no better than ash. You listen to me. Go set up a stall in the bazaar. Pile up these ashes and pretend to sell them.”
The rich man was puzzled but still he did what his friend advised. And soon his fellow neighbours came asking, “Hey, Encik Tan, why are you selling ash?” Encik Tan replied, “I offer my goods for sale.”
“What?!” His neighbours laughed out loud. “Are you trying to be a scammer now? Is this some kind of new method to earn even more money? Who in the right mind would buy ash here?” But Encik Tan simply shrugged his shoulders.
Indeed, for a long while no one bought ash from Encik Tan. But after some time a young and poor orphan, Ah Huey, passed by. She saw the rich man in the bazaar and asked, “Uncle, why do you pile up these gold coins here for sale?”
Encik Tan's ears opened big. His eyes also opened big. He said tremblingly to Ah Huey, “Gold coins, did you say gold coins? Will you please hand me that gold, please?”
And Ah Huey scooped up a handful of ash, and wah, they changed back into gold right before his very eyes!
Considering that Ah Huey had the eye of spiritual wisdom and saw the real worth of things, Encik Tan persuaded her to marry his son, and he said:
“With many, gold is no better than ash; but with Ah Huey, ash become actual gold! Huat lah!”
After marriage, Ah Huey had a son. But her son soon died at a very young age. She was so sad that she carried the dead child everywhere, begging people for medicine. The people whispered among themselves, “She’s gone mad. The boy has already died but still she keeps carrying him around asking for medicine.”
Eventually Ah Huey met an old man who replied to her, “I have got no medicine for you, but I know a physician who does.”
Ah Huey pleaded, “Oh please, please tell me, who is it?”
And the old man replied, “You go find the medicine-man, Satkimany. He can help you.”
And so Ah Huey ran to Satkimany, crying, “Oh dear sir, my boy is dead, my boy is dead, please give me the medicine! Give me the medicine, please!”
Satkimany answered calmly, “Okay. First you find me a handful of mustard-seed, then you may have the medicine.”
Ah Huey was overjoyed. She promised to get hold of it quickly. But before she left, Satkimany added another instruction, “The mustard-seed must be taken from a household where no one has ever lost a child, a husband, a parent, a relative or a friend.”
Poor Ah Huey went from house to house asking, and the people pitied her, “Here, here, I have got mustard-seed; you come take it from me!”
But when she asked, “Have you lost a child, a parent, a kin, a relative or even a friend?” They always answered her, “Yah, some of us are still living, but the dead are many too. Do not remind us of our deepest grief.” And there was not a household where the inhabitants had not encountered death in one way or another.
As the day went by, Ah Huey became weary and hopeless. She sat by the wayside, watching the lights of the town flickering up and then eventually extinguished again. At last the darkness of night reigned everywhere.
And she thought to herself, “Hai, how selfish I am in my grief! Death is common to all. But perhaps there is a way, when one has surrendered all selfishness, to thus arrive at the deathless and undying. Perhaps that is the medicine.”
When dawn finally arrived, Ah Huey got up and went back home to bury her son.
When their son was still young, Lim Pei’s wife died . And so Lim Pei poured his love all on this only child. But one day, while Lim Pei was away on business, bandits came and burned down his village. All the young boys in the village were kidnapped too.
When Lim Pei returned, he mistook one of the burnt corpses for his son. He cried non-stop for half a day. Then he cremated the body and kept the ashes tied in a bag around his waist. The bag followed wherever he went.
One year later, his son escaped from the bandits and returned to the rebuilt village. Knocking on the house door, the boy shouted, “Papa, Papa, it’s me, your son! I’m back!”
Lim Pei held on tight to his bag of ashes and replied, “Go away, you mischievous boy, my son is dead! Stop playing a prank on me!”
The boy kept knocking and pleading but Lim Pei kept telling him to leave. Heartbroken, the boy finally left.
Zhuangzi once dreamt that he was butterfly – flitting and fluttering about. Happy with himself, doing as he pleased, he didn’t know he was Zhuangzi.
Until suddenly he woke up, and the feeling came to him: here I am – solid, unmistakable Zhuangzi.
He scratched his head and wondered:
“Eh, but did I actually dream that I was a butterfly? Or is a butterfly dreaming it is me now? There must be some difference between the two. Yet, what is it?”
Once upon a time there lived a merchant called Ko Lao. He loved his daughter Qiannu very much and teased that her beauty equaled that of her cousin, the handsome Yandao.
The two cousins grew up together and were very much in love. So when Ko Lao announced his choice of another man, a very high-ranking old official, as husband for Qiannu, the two were heartbroken.
Yandao left town, setting off in a small boat, to wherever – it didn’t matter. But after he had rowed a short distance, he noticed someone running along the bank waving to him.
To his great joy, it was Qiannu!
They decided to elope far far away to a faraway island and make a life there together.
Several years later, when Qiannu became the mother of two children, her conscience began bothering her. She felt very bad about the way she had treated her beloved father. So with her husband, they decided to go back home to ask Ko Lao for forgiveness.
When they arrived at their hometown, Qiannu remained in the boat, while Yandao went first to explain and say sorry to Ko Lao.
Ko Lao listened incredulously to the tale. Finally he asked Yandao just whom he was talking about. The young husband replied, "Why, it’s your daughter, Qiannu!"
"But, but Qiannu never left home!" Ko Lao exclaimed. "Shortly after you went away she became very ill. Even right now, she is still confined to bed and hasn't uttered a word since you left!"
A neighbour came to the gate of Mulla Nasrudin’s yard, asking, "Dear Mulla, would you mind lending me your donkey today? I have some goods to transport to the next town."
Nasrudin didn't feel like lending his donkey to this particular neighbour, but in order not to appear rude, he answered, "Sorry ah, I’ve already lent it to somebody else already.”
Then all of a sudden the donkey could be heard braying loudly behind the wall of the yard.
"But Mulla," the neighbour exclaimed. "I can hear your donkey behind that wall!"
"Excuse me,” the Mulla replied, "just whom do you believe? The donkey or your Mulla?"
A bunch of young turkeys were enjoying life in Farmer Joe’s farm. They were well-fed. Their pens were well-kept. Life was safe and predictable, and they were able to live in comfort and ease every day.
A crow tried to warn them of the impending danger. But these birds didn’t trust the crow. They only had praises for Farmer Joe and his farm, “This farm is the best! Farmer Joe is kind! Farmer Joe loves us!” And they could cite all sorts of evidence to the crow.
Then when the eve of Thanksgiving Day came, Farmer Joe gave his heartfelt thanks to all these turkeys. And sent them all for slaughter.
A stray dog roamed into an ashram one day. The ashram’s guru found it cute and took the animal in. But every night during the meditation sessions, the dog kept licking and disturbing all the meditators, such that the guru had to leash the animal to a pole every evening before the start of meditation.
This tradition continued for years. Until the guru died. Then his disciples took over the job of tying the animal to the pole. Then the dog died too. And another was brought in, just to be tied to the pole every evening.
Decades later, articles were written on the spiritual significance of tying a dog to the pole before nightfall. And this ‘spiritual’ practice soon became popular all over the country.
A hundred year-old saint was about to die. So the villagers asked him for a final teaching. He replied with his last breath:
"Never give the loin-cloth a home in your life."
Then the saint died. And everyone was confused.
When news of the saint’s final teaching reached an old grandmother in the village, she laughed and laughed and told everyone:
"Never give the loin-cloth a home in your life? It sounds confusing only because you guys don’t know the story of his life. Well, let me explain…
"You see, the saint was a renunciant in his youth. He abandoned everything except his two loin-cloths. When he wandered to this village, the villagers were very happy to welcome him. They wanted a renunciant staying nearby because it was considered a blessing – everyone would prosper.
“They housed him in a small hut just outside the village. Everything was okay, except the rats in the hut. The rats were eating up the loin-cloths. When the saint told the villagers about it, they quickly said:
" 'Oh, don’t worry bro, we’ll get you a cat. The cat will get rid of the rats for you.'
"And so the saint got a cat, and the cat got rid of the rats. Except now the saint had got a problem of getting milk to feed the cat.
"When the saint told the villagers about it, they quickly said:
" 'Oh, don’t worry bro, we’ll get you a cow. The cow will produce milk so that you can feed the cat.'
"And so the saint had a cow which could produce milk to feed the cat. Except now the saint had got a problem of getting grass to feed the cow. The only grass patch available was far from the hut.
"When the saint told the villagers about it, they quickly said:
" 'Oh, don’t worry bro, there’s a widow in the village. We’ll get her to grow grass beside your hut. She can also grow wheat and other fruits too, and she can take care of you when you are ill.'
"The widow of course agreed to the villagers’ request. She was very happy to serve the saint, especially since the saint was a handsome young man and she was at the moment a lonely woman.
"So she started taking care of everything, and indeed, everything prospered and grew. The grass, the wheat, the fruits, the love...
"Soon, even the stomach of the widow grew. Children appeared in the hut, one after another. The saint had to get a proper job and had to bring the kids to school...
"One day the saint thought:
" 'Oh my heaven, isn’t all these what I tried to leave behind?! I renounced the world, abandoned it, and yet the world is back again?! It’s amazing how things grow when you give them a home in your life! All because of these stupid loin-cloths!’ "
Due to global warming and climate change, the weather in Singaland began to turn very cold instead. It was like winter. The trees shed their leaves and the wind became super chilly.
A man looked into his wardrobe and chose to dress himself in thick layers of clothes. He walked along the street towards the market and bumped into Mulla Nasrudin who was wearing very little clothes.
“Mulla,” the man said in surprise, “why is it that I wear all these clothes yet still feel cold, but you are like wearing almost nothing at all and still can ignore the weather? Don’t you feel cold?”
“Oh, it's like this,” Nasrudin explained, “Because I don’t have any more clothes to wear, so I can’t afford to feel cold. But you have plenty of clothes in your wardrobe, you have the liberty to feel cold.”
Once there was a farmer, Bo Kan Dan, who lived a simple life with no complaints.
Every dawn he would wake up promptly to tend to his crops. Every dusk he would go home promptly to spend time with his family. Every night he would go promptly to bed to sleep.
Life was tough and simple. But that was to be expected.
Then one day something happened. Kan Dan was digging in his field when he found a big statue made of gold. It was Nagasena, the Scratch-Ear Luohan – one of Buddha’s eighteen noble disciples!
His family members were all so happy! "Gold gold gold!" they shouted. "We are rich!"
But ever since that day, Kan Dan was depressed. He couldn't concentrate anymore. Couldn't farm properly. Couldn't spend quality time with his family. He just kept sighing and sighing every now and then. Until his wife could take it no longer. She burst out lashing at him:
"You crazy ah?! We now own a big gold Luohan statue, we are rich, yet you still keep sighing everyday? What’s your problem?"
Kan Dan replied:
"You don't understand. You are too simple-minded. Our Luohan is only one of eighteen disciples of Buddha. Which means, there are still seventeen more out there. But I’ve been digging all over the field for these gold statues, yet they cannot be found anywhere. I am worried. Other people may soon get to them, before I do. Or perhaps, others have already gotten to them, or at least some of these statues... damn... I don’t know, it’s all so shitty…"
An old king had three sons – Ah Beng, Ah Seng and Ah Kow. He wasn’t sure who should succeed him, so he gave them all a task to do. They were to fill up their castles in just three days using only 3 gold coins, and that whoever succeeded in this task would also succeed the throne.
The first son, Ah Beng, thought for a while, then went looking for the city’s garbage collector. He paid the guy 3 gold coins to dump all the city’s garbage in his castle for the next three days. The second son, Ah Seng, thought for a while, then got his servants to buy the cheapest shit they could find with 3 gold coins. He then ordered them to fill his castle with all sorts of shit for the next three days. The third son, Ah Kow, didn’t think much of the task. He just went about the next three days as if nothing special was happening.
On the evening of the third day, the king visited his eldest son, Ah Beng. Though there was a huge pile of garbage in Ah Beng's castle, it didn’t fill the place completely. The king then visited his second son, Ah Seng. Though there was a huge pile of shit in Ah Seng's castle, it didn’t fill the place completely too.
When the king visited his third son, Ah Kow, he was shocked that nothing additional had been bought to fill the castle. “There’s still so much emptiness in here,” the king scolded Ah Kow.
“That’s true, isn’t it,” Ah Kow explained, “my castle’s already filled full with emptiness. Always has been. So why waste money to cramp the place with smelly useless stuff and make the place un-inhabitable?”
Then Ah Kow howled a mysterious song in a lousy tune:
"Spokes are joined to make a wheel; the hole in the centre makes it functional~
“Clay is used to mould a pot; the emptiness inside makes it useable~
“Cement is used to build a house; the inner space within makes it liveable~
“We work with the substantial but use the emptiness~
“For what is totally filled, is dead; while what is not, is still living~"
The king was so impressed with his third son that the next morning he decided to hand over the throne to Ah Kow. But when messengers arrived at Ah Kow’s place, the man had already fled. The castle was empty even of its occupant.
Sujata was camping in the woods when she found a precious stone. The next day she met a hungry traveller who asked her for some food. When she opened up her bag to share what she had, the hungry man saw the stone.
“Erm… dear lady, the food’s not so important now,” he said. “But could you give me the stone instead, because I like it very much.”
And Sujata did so without hesitation. The traveller left, overjoyed in his good fortune. But a few days later, he came returning the stone:
“You know what, dear lady, I’ve been thinking hard the last few days. This is a precious stone and we both know how valuable it is. But I want to give it back. Because I hope you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you. Give me that which enabled you to give me this stone.”
Sujata laughed and replied, “You already have it. It has always been within you. So how can I give you something you already have?”
And the traveller laughed. He returned the stone gratefully and left.
A small forest deer escaped to an imam meditating by a tree. So the imam wrapped the animal hidden in his cloak. Soon the king and his hunting entourage arrived, and the king asked, “Have you seen a deer running past? I am looking for it.”
The imam gave no reply.
Furious, the king bellowed, “I am king of this land! How dare you not answer my question?!”
The imam spoke in an even voice, “You may be king of this land, but you are still slave of my slave.”
“What the…? Did you say I am slave of your slave? What do you mean by that?”
“Well, for years now I have mastered desire and made it my slave,” the imam replied, “but you are still slave to desire. Doesn’t that make you a slave of my slave?”
The king was stunned. Then he laughed. And he bowed respectfully and called off the hunt.
It was during the war that a military physician became disillusioned with what's going on. He watched over and over the injured soldiers he had saved, go out to fight, only to return dead or seriously disabled.
"Damn it, if my god-damned job is to save them," he cursed, "then why the heck do these guys go out to get themselves killed or injured again? What's the point of saving them?"
He got so confused and frustrated that he quit his job. Climbed up a mountain and spent most of his time meditating by a stream. One day, while pondering the great matter of life and death, an insight whacked him so hard in the head that he kept laughing and laughing until all the birds on the nearby trees flew away. “Because you are here!” he yelled at them.
He then packed his stuff, went down the mountain and went back to the battlefront. Every day he did his best saving the soldiers brought to him.
His actions puzzled his friends. They all asked him, "Hey, didn’t you get fed up and quit? So why are you back again as a doctor?"
“Because I am here!” he replied.
A university professor visited the monk Teh-o Siewdai to inquire about zen. But instead of listening, the professor just went on and on professing everything he knew about the topic to Teh-o Siewdai.
So while his guest was yakking away, Teh-o Siewdai prepared a pot of hot tea. His actions were concise and precise, and soon he was already pouring a cup of tea for the professor. But still the guy was talking non-stop. Such that when the cup was full, Teh-o Siewdai just kept pouring more and more in.
Finally the professor stopped talking. He stared at the overflow. Then, unable to contain himself any longer, he blurted out, "Oh Master, Master, it’s full already! No more can go in!"
"Yeah, yeah," Teh-o Siewdai said, "so why don’t you empty your cup to see zen intimately for yourself?"
Zhuangzi told Chin Pandai a story:
"You know, while wandering about the world, I saw this incredibly huge tree. Thousands of military tanks were sheltered under it, yet its shade could cover them all with space to spare. I said, ‘Wow, what a tree this is! It must be of extraordinary timber!'
"But when I looked up at its branches, they were actually all so twisted and crooked that beams surely couldn't be made from them. And when I looked down to its roots, they were all so rounded and loose that coffins surely couldn't be made from them. I then licked one of its leaves and my mouth felt like it was cut and rotten. Even the smell of its leaves made me mad for more than three whole days altogether.
" 'This indeed is a tree good for nothing,' I proclaimed, 'and so it has attained to such an incredible size.'"
Hearing this, Chin Pandai retorted Zhuangzi:
"I also have a big tree. Scientific men call it ‘Ficus Religiosa’ and spiritual men call it ‘Sacred Tree’. But I don't know what to do with it and it troubles me. Its trunk is too gnarled and bumpy to apply a measuring line to, its branches too bent and twisty to match up a compass or square to. You could stand it by the road and no carpenter would look at it twice.
"Now, mister, your profound stories are just as big and useless. Everyone will mock or ignore them."
Zhuangzi replied:
"Well, have you ever seen a wildcat or weasel? It crouches and hides, waiting for some good stuff to come along. Then it leaps about east and west, not avoiding high or low - until it falls into a trap and dies in the net. Then again there's the yak, so big like a cloud covering the sky. It sure knows how to be big, hehe, though it doesn't know how to catch rats.
"Now, sir, you have a big tree and are troubled because it is useless. Why don't you plant it in a boundless field of emptiness? There you can rest and relax by its side. There you can lie down in its shade for a free-and-easy sleep. Axes wouldn't look for it; nothing would want to harm it. So what is it about its uselessness to cause you distress?”
Every day at nine o’clock sharp, a man with jungle hat stands at the Padang. He waves his hat around like a madman.
One day, a policeman wearing shorts comes up to him and asks, “Hey, what are you doing?”
“Well, I’m keeping the Martians away.”
“But there are no Martians here!”
“See, I am doing such a good job.”
Madam Zhu was famous for her bamboo paintings. She often drew them in red ink. Jia Lihai was a famous art critic. He often made biting remarks.
One day, Jia Lihai attended Madam Zhu's art exhibition, and stood in front of her bamboo paintings shaking his head.
“Beautiful is beautiful, but alas,” Jia Lihai lamented, “the bamboo’s colour all wrong.”
The security guard patrolling the gallery overheard the remark and was curious. He asked Jia Lihai, "Excuse me, sir, what colour should bamboos be?"
Jia Lihai took one glance at the guard and smirked, "You don’t know? Bamboos should be black of course!"
"But sir, why?" the guard asked. "Whoever has seen black bamboos?"
A journalist died and arrived at the gates of heaven. But the gatekeeper told him:
“I’m sorry, but the quota for journalists is filled. I can't let you in. Why don't you go to hell instead?”
“What?!” The journalist was shocked and asked the gatekeeper for an explanation.
“Well, you see,” the gatekeeper replied, “journalists are useless here. Nothing juicy ever happens in heaven. No murder, no suicide, no love affair, no crime, no politics, no struggle for power. Everyone’s a saint. What would a journalist report here? So there’s no need for any more journalist in heaven.”
“Hell is, perhaps, a little more exciting?” the journalist enquired hopefully.
“Of course, the inhabitants there all get to suffer for their indulgences. Unlike heaven, which is just so peacefully quiet. Nothing of a shocking character anywhere about. No interesting personalities to gossip about. No sensational news to report on. So, if you happen to like gossips and sensational news, why don’t you go to hell and indulge yourself?”
And so the journalist went to hell.
A childcare centre wanted to solve the problem of late-coming parents. Teachers often had to stay back past 7pm just to wait for these parents to pick up their kids.
So Smart Aleck, the principal of the centre, decided to implement a fine system – parents would have to pay the teachers $1 for every minute of lateness.
But the fine system didn’t work fine. Because after its implementation, more parents came late instead. And it used to be that that late parents would feel bad for having made the teachers wait past 7pm, and so they would apologize profusely .
But after the fine system was implemented, many didn’t feel bad anymore. “Ah well, it’s fine," they said, "because I’m paying for the teacher’s time. It's fair.”
Meiling couldn’t find the pair of slippers she bought recently. The slippers were very expensive.
She vaguely remembered leaving them outside the gate of her apartment. And so she suspected – no, no, no – she was sure the neighbour’s son had taken them! Because he had that fidgety way of walking. And his eyes were always so shifty and weasel-like. Everything about him was dodgy. Meiling was convinced – he’s the thief!
But she hesitated to call the police.
Luckily her good friend Jessy soon sent an sms, and then returned the slippers to her a while later. “Oh yah! I lent them to Jessy yesterday!” Meiling recalled.
Suddenly, her neighbour’s son seemed such a good boy now. His careful way of walking, so gentle. His curious eyes checking everything out, so innocent. Everything about him was wonderful and angelic.
"It's strange," Meiling murmured to herself. "How did I ever think he was a thief?"
A jewellery store was celebrating its grand opening. The place was filled with customers, security guards and many curious onlookers.
Ah Siao entered the store. He walked slowly to the glittering gold necklaces. The necklaces were displayed openly on a counter. His eyes grew big, his mouth grew big, his breathing grew harsh. “Gold… gold… gold…” he whispered to himself.
Then he lunged forward, grabbed several pieces of jewellery and ran .
For a while, everyone was stunned. But a security personnel soon reacted and gave chase. Seconds later, Ah Siao was pinned onto the floor jiu-jitsu style.
When the owner of the store finally caught up, he shouted at Ah Siao in disbelief, "You crazy uh! How dare you steal my necklaces in broad daylight! Didn’t you see all the people in the store?!”
Ah Siao was trembling in fear and shock.
“Huh, what people? All I saw was glittering gold! Where did all you people come from?”
There is a great archer, Yijian Shuangdiao, whose skill is renowned in the whole of Singaland. When he’s shooting for fun, even from more than 200 paces away he could hit two crows with just a single arrow.
But if someone challenges him to an archery match, he’s already nervous. And he would repeatedly miss the bulls-eye of the target board from just 50 paces away.
And if he’s shooting for a prize of gold, worse, he basically goes blind with excitement. Or he would see two target boards instead of one. He becomes like a bobo shooter who can’t hit anything at all.
Yet it isn’t his skill that has changed. It is the competition and prize that tear him apart. As he thinks more of winning than of shooting, he is drained of his power.
So is he a great archer or not?
Long long time ago, a blind man was chatting at his friend’s place until late at night. When he was about to leave, his friend gave him a lantern.
“Huh, why would I need a lantern?” the blind man exclaimed. “I can’t see anyway!”
“It’s not for you to see,” the friend explained. “Because it is dark outside, the lantern will allow others to see you coming.”
So the blind man took the lantern and made his way in the dark night. Halfway through, someone knocked into him.
“Hey, are you blind?!” the blind man shouted angrily. “Why did you knock into me? Can’t you see my lantern?”
“For goodness sake,” the someone replied, “the fire in your lantern is already gone!”
One day Nasrudin was invited to deliver a sermon. He went up the stage and asked, "Do you all know what I am going to say?"
The audience replied, “No.”
Nasrudin announced, "Well, I'm not interested in speaking to people who don’t even know what I'll be talking about!" And so he left.
The people felt very embarrassed and quickly invited Nasrudin back again the next day to deliver a sermon.
So the next day, he got up the stage and asked the same question, "Do you all know what I am going to say?"
This time the people replied, "Yes."
Nasrudin said, "Well, since all of you know what I'm going to say, I won’t waste any more of your time!" And so he left.
By now the people were really confused. They decided to try one more time and invited Nasrudin to speak the following week.
Once again he asked the same question, "Do you all know what I am going to say?"
This time the people were prepared. Half of them answered “yes” while the other half replied “no”.
So Nasrudin said, "Well then, let the half who knows what I'm going to say, tell it to the other half who doesn’t!" And he left.
Although most of the people were in shock, a young guy went after Nasrudin and asked, “Why don’t you want to give a sermon to everyone? Why don’t you try to enlighten them?”
“What?!” Nasrudin exclaimed. “I’ve already given three excellent sermons and still you complain? What’s wrong with you guys? How many more do you need?”
Duke Tak Chek Kia was seated above reading a book, while the wheelwright Ah Lun squatted below making a wheel. After half an hour, Ah Lun lay aside his hammer and chisel, and said, "My lord, I venture to ask what words you are reading?"
The Duke replied, "I’m reading the words of the sages."
"Ah, so are those sages still alive or already dead?" Ah Lun asked.
"They are already dead," was the reply.
"Well then, what you are reading is but the dried shit of sages."
“What?!” The Duke felt insulted. He put down his book and shouted, "How dare you, a wheelwright, say anything about the book I am reading? If you can explain yourself, fine. If you cannot, then get ready to die!"
The wheelwright calmly replied:
"Okay, your servant here is a wheelwright. So I’m going to use that to explain. You see, in making a wheel, if I proceed gently, that is pleasant enough, but the workmanship would be loose and not strong. But if I proceed forcefully, it is tiring and the joinings become too tight and do not fit well. Only when the movements of my hand are neither gentle nor forceful, then what's of my mind is realised. But I cannot tell you how this can be done by word of mouth. There is just a knack to it. And I cannot teach this knack to my son, nor can my son learn it from me. Similarly, these ancient sages are dead and long gone. What they had realised couldn't be taught to you just like this. The stuff you are reading is but their dried shit."
“So you are saying these words and stories of the sages are good for nothing?” the Duke asked.
“Well, not really,” Ah Lun replied. “They are good enough to be put up in Amazon and sold for a few dollars, I guess.”
Cikgu Jalil, a pottery teacher, split his class into two halves.
The first half was told to research on pottery. They were to plan and design and create their own perfect pot. At the end of the term, there would be a competition to determine who's pot was the best.
The second half was told to make lots of pots. Their grades would be based on the number of pots they had made. At the end of the term, they would also have the chance to enter their best pot in a competition.
So the students in the first half spent their time creating their personal best pot while the students in the second half spent their time making as many pots as possible. At the end of term, they all entered their most perfect pot in the competition.
Members of the public were invited to judge the competition. They were brought into school to vote for the best entries. Not knowing which pots belong to which group, they simply chose what they felt were the best.
After the votes were tallied, almost all of the best pots came from those in the second half of the class – those who had spent their time making as many pots as possible.
Goldilocks gave her son a cup of chrysanthemum tea to drink. The son complained it’s not nice. So Goldilocks added some sugar to it. The child took a sip and was happy with the taste.
But when Goldilocks left the kitchen, the son stared at the sugar container and started talking to himself:
“If adding some sugar makes the tea nicer, won’t adding more make it even nicerer?”
And so the son added a lot of sugar to his tea. He then stirred and stirred the drink before confidently taking one big gulp. Immediately he spewed it all out in disgust.
Bala had a pounding headache, but after taking a pill he felt really good. So Bala went around telling people how good he felt after taking the pill.
When Ah Seng heard about the pill, he wanted to feel good too. He first pounded his head on the wall to develop a headache. Then he took the pill.
Laura laughed at what Ah Seng did. She said, “Why give yourself a headache in the first place? Why not take the pill right from the start to feel good?”
And so she bought herself a pill. But after taking it, she didn’t feel anything special or good. She just felt … normal.
So she bought several more, and took them one after another. But she felt nauseous instead.
“These pills are fake and useless!” Laura yelled.
One late night, Mulla Nasrudin was pacing about his front door very upset about something. Alas, a helpful young man came along and noticed the Mulla’s distress.
“Mulla, please tell me, what is wrong?”
"Ah, my dear friend," Nasrudin replied, "I seem to have lost my keys."
“Let me help search for them,” the young man said. And he looked high and low, here and there, but couldn’t find the keys anywhere in the dark.
He then looked over to Nasrudin and saw the Mulla strangely searching only a small area below the street lamp.
"Eh, Mulla ah, why do you look only around the lamp?"
Nasrudin replied, "Why look where there is no light?"
Ah Long took a taxi to Town X. He went there to collect a debt of ten dollars.
The taxi trip cost him five dollars. And several hours later, Ah Long still couldn’t find his debtor. He then took another taxi back home, which cost him another five dollars.
In the end, ten dollars were spent and several hours wasted, all for a ten-dollar debt that Ah Long failed to collect.
Alex the tycoon visited Zoubo the sage. And Zoubo asked Alex, “What is your ambition?”
“My ambition is to conquer the smartphone industry.”
“And then?”
“I would conquer the VR industry.”
“And then?”
Alex thought about it a while. He eventually said, “I intend to conquer the whole IT industry too.”
“And then?”
This time the tycoon frowned. It took him a full long minute before replying, “Well, I suppose I would relax and enjoy myself then.”
"Mmm… interesting. Why not save yourself the trouble?” Zoubo the sage commented. “Why not relax and enjoy yourself now?"
Mr Simxing had a magic finger. It could grant people whatever they desire. When news of his finger spread, many came to him seeking wealth and status and fame. And so Simxing chose to be invisible to them all.
“It’s strange,” he said. “Why do they seek wealth and status and fame, but not the happiness of contentment? Even stranger, why do they seek me to realize these things when they can realize their own magic finger instead?”
Johnny used to like disturbing animals. He especially loved throwing stones at dogs. Because these dogs just kept chasing after the stones and so he would throw more and more at them for the fun of it.
One day Johnny came across a magnificent animal. It was a lion. He picked up a stone and threw at the animal. Immediately the lion chased him down and then ate him up. The stone-throwing thus stopped.
Nasrudin walked into the bazaar like a superstar. A group of eager fans were following him.
Whatever Nasrudin did, his fans immediately copied. Like if Nasrudin suddenly flapped his hands in the air, jumped up yelling “Hululululu”, his followers would also monkey-see-monkey-do, copycat exactly the same thing.
A merchant in the bazaar was curious. He quietly asked Nasrudin:
“Eh, what are you doing, my friend? Why are all these people imitating you?”
“Oh, I have become a guru idol,” replied Nasrudin. “These followers are my fans; I am helping them reach enlightenment!”
“Eh, how do you know when they have reached enlightenment?”
“Easy! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left – they have reached enlightenment!”
Vincent's paintings seemed so strange that few could appreciate his work. And so for many years, no one bought anything from him. When news of Vincent’s plight reached his brother’s ears, the brother secretly arranged for a lady to buy his drawings.
Vincent knew nothing of his brother's plan. When the lady came, he was very happy. But soon, his happiness turned into sadness and anger. Because the lady stood near the entrance and simply glanced around. Then casually she picked the nearest piece to buy.
“You are sent by my brother,” Vincent said. “I know he's trying to be kind but you don’t understand paintings at all. You don't bother looking at them. I can’t sell my work to a person who has no eye for paintings. I can’t exploit a blind person. So please tell my brother that he does not understand paintings too. Because if he did, he would not have pitied me. He would not have sent you here to humiliate me!”
Lau Kui visited his wife’s family. They were in the sweets business. Instead of using machines, they made their sweets by hand.
While at their place, Lau Kui craved to eat some sweets. Yet he refused to ask for any. Instead he waited until everyone had left the room, then grabbed a bunch lying on the table and stuffed them all in his mouth.
When she noticed her husband missing, Lau Kui’s wife quickly came back into the room. “Hey, are you okay? Why are you still here?” she asked.
Lau Kui did not answer. The sweets were still in his mouth. He did not want others to know what had happened.
But his wife merely became confused and concerned. She stared at him then yelled, “Oh my heaven, there’s something wrong with your face! Your cheeks are swollen and bulging! Can you speak? Oh please, talk to me! Are you able to speak?”
Lau Kui made no reply.
The wife’s family immediately called Dr Quek, a retired surgeon living nearby. Dr Quek, upon examining the man’s cheeks, remarked in a calm and professional manner, “This is a very dangerous condition. We must cut open the side of his face right now.”
And when it was done, everyone watched the sweets fall out of Lau Kui’s mouth.
A foreigner took a vacation to Singaland. When he heard that a local Sufi master was staying near his hotel, he quickly paid the sage a visit. Upon arrival, he was surprised to find the Sufi’s room utterly empty.
"Old sage, where are all your furniture?"
The Sufi laughed and asked in return, "Where are yours?"
“I am only a tourist here,” the foreigner replied. “I’ll be gone in a few days, so I don’t go carrying my furniture around.”
And the old Sufi laughed again. "Well, I’m also a tourist here. In time I’ll be gone, just like you."
Inspired, the foreigner returned to his hotel and wrote a poem on the wall:
Sky and earth, cloud and mountain,
All of space is but an empty guesthouse of foreign phenomena
Night and day, light and dark,
All of time is but a local tourist travelling through countless generations
There once was a man called Zhang San. He managed to earn 300 taels of silver after much hard work. But he kept worrying someone would steal his money. So he placed the silver taels in a box and buried them in a plot of land behind his house.
Feeling that this was still not safe enough, he wrote on a piece of paper – “There’re no 300 taels of silver in this piece of land” – and pasted it at the back of his house.
All these were witnessed by his neighbour, Wang Er, who later that night dug up the box and took away the 300 taels of silver.
In order not to rouse Zhang San’s suspicion, Wang Er wrote also a note on a piece of paper – “Your neighbour Wang Er did not steal your silver” – and pasted it at the back of the house too.
There was a farm where wheat was growing very well. So Gey Khiang went to the farmer and asked how to grow wheat well. The farmer said, “First, I add the seeds. Next, I add water and good quality shit. Then the wheat just grow well all on their own like that.”
Impressed, Gey Khiang went back to his own field and followed the instructions. He added seeds. Then he added water and good quality manure. But while doing so, Gey Khiang noticed his feet stepping on the ground. He worried that this would damage the seeds.
So he hired four men to carry him in a chair, and he would tend to the field without stepping on the ground. And so the four men carried him around, and their eight feet stepped all over the field instead of Gey Khiang’s two.
An old granny visited Kong Meng San temple every day. Each time she would pray to the big Buddha statue by saying out loud:
“I’m old and useless already. No one cares about me anymore. There’s no point living any longer. I’m ready, Buddha. You can come take me anytime.”
A young boy, working in the temple as a novice, heard this loud ‘confession’ every day. Feeling mischievous, he decided to play a prank on her.
So just before the granny arrived at the temple at her usual time, the boy hid behind the Buddha statue. After the granny had entered the hall and prayed out loud her ‘confession’ of being old and useless and ready to be taken, the boy spoke in a clear deep voice:
“Okay, I hear you. Get prepared. I will come take you tonight.”
But the granny had such a shock. She died right on the spot in broad daylight.
The teacher had many disciples. All is illusion, he taught. And it was with this teaching that he became rich and powerful.
Until one day, the teacher was diagnosed to have the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). He retreated into his mansion and refused to meet anyone. Finally about a week later, the teacher stepped out of his mansion. He looked terrible. His hair was messy, his eyes swollen, his clothes dirty.
“What happened?” his disciples asked, “Didn’t you teach that all is illusion? Isn’t that true of HIV too?”
“Yes, all is illusion,” the teacher said. “And having HIV is the worst illusion of them all.”
Inside a supermarket, a mother and her little girl walked past the titbits section. The young girl asked for keropok and her mother replied no. The little girl whined and whined, but the mother said quietly, “Okay Emma, we’re halfway through already. Don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
When they passed the ice-cream section, the little girl shouted for jolly stick and her mother replied no. The girl began to cry, but the mother said quietly, “Now, now, Emma, don’t cry. Just a bit more and we’ll be checking out soon.”
When they got to the self-check-out kiosk, the little girl demanded a lollipop and her mother replied no because they had got tons of lollipop at home already. The little girl screamed and yelled, but the mother said quietly, “Emma, we’ll be done in 5 minutes. Then you can go home and play your Candy Crush.”
At that moment, a nosy man went over to compliment the mother. “I have been observing. You are really good. You are so patient with little Emma.”
The mother almost burst out in laughter. “Oh, you’re mistaken. I’m actually Emma. My daughter’s name is Bess.”
Tan Ah Teck had a herd of exactly 100 cows. He took great pride in taking care of them. But one day, while bringing his herd to a river to drink, a crocodile ate one of them.
Tan Ah Teck was mad with anger. He thought, “I’ve lost one of my cows. My herd is incomplete. What’s the point of having all these other cows?”
And so Tan Ah Teck drove all his remaining cows off a cliff to fall to their death.
A monkey ran down a tree and snatched a handful of peas from the market stall below. When he rushed back up, one of the peas fell from his hands. He tried to grab for it, but failed.
He got so angry and disgusted that he flung away all he had in his hands.
When the other animals saw the fallen peas, they quickly came to eat them up. The monkey could only look on, hungry.
A monkey ran down a tree and snatched a jar of peas from the market stall below. He rushed back up, slipped his hand through the opening and grabbed on tight to all the peas there were in the jar.
But try as he might, he couldn’t pull his hand out. There were too many in his hand. They couldn't go through the opening all at once.
Hungry and angry, the monkey refused to let go any of the peas he had already grasped on to. And his hand remained stuck in the jar. And he never got to eat any of the peas either.
General Bo Kia See was fearless in war. He fought for his country a hundred battles and won all hundred of them. Upon his retirement, the Emperor bestowed him a beautiful jade teacup set.
Every morning the General would admire and clean his teacup set. One day, while wiping them, a jade cup slipped and almost fell out of his hands. Drenched in cold sweat, General Bo Kia See held up the cup and stared at it:
“I’ve been through battles, horrible ones. I’ve also fought against vicious enemies. But I’ve never been as frightened as just a while ago. This is one very formidable teacup.”
And so he flung the cup onto the ground and walked away relaxed.
Si Tiang attended a seven-day spiritual retreat at Pulau Hantu and was having trouble meditating. Every time he got deep in concentration, a huge scary spider dangled down the ceiling to in front of his face. He couldn’t meditate in peace.
When Si Tiang reported this to his meditation teacher, the teacher said:
“Take this black marker. The next time the spider appear, just mark a cross on its belly. It will go away.”
That night, Si Tiang brought the marker with him to the meditation hall. While deep in concentration, the eight-legged creature again dangled down the ceiling to in front of him. With trembling hands, Si Tiang marked a cross on the spider’s huge belly. And indeed, the creature went away.
For the rest of the night, Si Tiang was able to meditate calmly. Morning soon came. Si Tiang opened his eyes. And he saw the black X marked across his tummy.
Tong Kim was travelling in a forest when he noticed wild animals everywhere. Fearful, he began to run. But in the middle of the forest, there was a pit covered and concealed by thick vines.
“Oh shit!” Tong Kim shouted when he fell into that pit and got himself entangled in the vines. Hanging upside down, he saw a large and mighty snake waiting at the bottom. Looking up, he saw a number of black and white rats gnawing at the cluster of vines.
“Oh, damn it!” Tong Kim yelled. “Am I fated to fall to my doom, or can I still climb my way out of this mess?”
So he grabbed and tugged at the vegetation around him, hoping he could pull his body out before the rats had gnawed the vines torn. Then he noticed an incredibly large tree looming above him. A Siraitia Grosvenorii tree. It was full of ripe fruits and beautiful flowers. But there was also a beehive hanging from one of its branches. Honey was dripping out the honeycomb. Some of it dripped into Tong Kim’s mouth.
Wow! It’s intoxicating! And the more Tong Kim drank, the more his thirst grew. Such that he became unsatisfied with the few drops gotten. He craved for more. And clung on tight. And waited for the marvellous sweet liquid to fall once again into his mouth. The black and white rats above bit and gnawed on the vines. The large and mighty snake below curled and hissed for its meal. Honey dripped slowly into Tong Kim’s wide open mouth.
He had forgotten all his woe and distress. For the present moment, he was in heaven.
Siti thought she saw gold in a pond. So she dove in to try to get it. But unable to find the stuff, she got out of the water, waited for the mud to settle, then dove in again.
After several attempts the gold still couldn’t be found. Exhausted, she sat by the pond and stared confusedly at the water. Her mother came by asking, “My dear daughter, why are you so wet and tired?”
Siti replied, “I saw gold in the pond, so I dove in to get it, but nothing – I couldn’t find it anywhere in the water.”
The mother took one good look at the pond, and saw the gold indeed. But it seemed to be turning glittery red. So she looked up at the sky and pointed to the sun:
“There, there is your gold. What a beautiful sunset we have this evening.”
After his parents passed away, Suaku went to live in the mountain with his wife and mother-in-law. One day he went to town to buy some provisions. Walking along the street, he saw a new shop putting up mirrors for sale.
Suaku had never seen a mirror before. Staring into it, he saw what appeared to be his father! “What an amazing item!” he said, and quickly bought one from the shop.
Back at home, he would occasionally take out the item to stare at what he thought was his father. One day his wife saw him doing so and became suspicious. “What’s going on with my hubby?” she wondered. And so, while Suaku was out tending the crops, the wife rapidly searched the room and found the mirror.
Looking into it, she saw the face of an attractive woman and grew jealous. “Oh my heaven, my husband has got a girlfriend!”
Her mother snatched the mirror from her hands, then laughed, “Don’t be stupid, this is just a picture of an old hag, you have no need to be worried!”
A starving Ah Beng stumbled into heaven without knowing it was heaven. He then sat under a wishing tree without knowing it was a wishing tree. And because he was so hungry, Ah Beng said to himself:
“Having some good food now would really be good…”
Suddenly out of nowhere came a group of beautiful women carrying all sorts of delicious food – fried carrot cake, roti prata, pandan cake, vanilla ice-cream, coffee... Ah Beng was so hungry he didn't question where they came from; he just gobbled up everything.
After the satisfying meal, he felt very sleepy. And so he said to himself:
“Having a nice bed now would really be nice...”
Again a group of beautiful women came with soft mattresses and pillows and bolsters, and they tucked him in bed with soothing lullabies and pat his backside like he was a baby.
Ah Beng soon fell into a deep deep sleep.
Eventually he woke up. Fresh and physically satisfied, his mind was restless though. He stared at the bed. Stared at his surroundings. Eh? No one in sight. No houses, no buildings, just a few trees and a vast field of grass.
“That’s strange. Where did all those food come from just now? Where did this bed come from? And who are those charming women?”
Suddenly he said to himself, “Oh shit, those women must be ghosts! Now that I’m fed and well-rested, they would be coming to eat me instead!”
And indeed a group of ghosts appeared dancing everywhere. They came nearer and nearer to Ah Beng. Ah Beng was terrified. He shouted to himself, “Oh my heaven, they are going to eat me! They are going to eat me...”
And so, indeed, the ghosts ate him as he said they would.
A stonecutter was hired to carve a stone statue into the likeliness of the local wealthiest merchant. But as he sat in the courtyard doing his work, he suddenly became very dissatisfied.
“How powerful that merchant must be!” thought the stonecutter. He was envious and wished he could be like the merchant. To his surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying all the luxuries he could never imagine.
But soon a high-ranking official passed by in a sedan chair, and he had to bow low before the procession. “How powerful that official is!” he thought. “I wish I could be that official!” And indeed he became the official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair.
But it was a hot summer day, and he felt very hot and uncomfortable in the chair. He looked up at the sun and thought, “How powerful the sun is! I wish I could be the sun!” Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone.
But a huge black cloud soon moved between him and the earth. His light could no longer shine down on everything below. “How powerful the storm cloud is!” he thought. “I wish I could be a cloud!” Then he became the dark cloud, storming and flooding the fields and villages everywhere.
But soon he found that he was being pushed here and there by some great force. It was the wind. “How powerful it is!” he thought. “I wish I could be the wind!” Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses and uprooting trees all over the place.
But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move no matter how forcefully he blew at it – a huge towering rock. “How powerful that rock is!” he thought. “I wish I could be a rock!” Then he became the huge towering rock.
But as he stood there, there was the sound of hammer pounding chisel into a hard surface. He felt himself being changed. “What could be more powerful than I, the rock?” he thought.
And he saw the figure of a stonecutter carving a statue while sighing in dissatisfaction.
Kao Pei prayed to God every night asking:
“Oh God, please grant me my wish, because I am the most miserable person in the world. Why do I suffer so much? Why me? Oh please, just let me exchange my misery with somebody, anybody. I’m not asking much, just this one wish.”
And one night, Kao Pei really dreamt that God spoke to the town through a great voice from heaven:
“Gather all your miseries into bundles and bring them to the temple!”
So everyone in the town gathered their miseries into bundles and brought them to the temple. The man, eager and excited, did so too like a good boy.
As Kao Pei rushed to the temple, he saw others carrying bundles much bigger than his. Some of these people were from the nearby slum. But many were actually people whom he used to see smiling in their beautiful clothes and saying clever little things to one another.
Now Kao Pei felt confused and stressed. He wasn’t sure whose bundle he should take anymore.
Eventually he arrived at the temple and placed his burden in the middle of the hall, just like everyone else did. But no one quite knew what to do next. They just stood around staring at the pile of miserable bundles. Finally the great voice boomed from heaven again:
“Pick and choose any you like!”
And Kao Pei rushed to take his own, relieved and happy with his choice.
A father and son were walking on a path when they noticed robbers approaching.
The father, greatly alarmed, tried to remove the gold earring his child was wearing. But his hands kept fumbling. He just couldn’t get the earring off! So he took out his knife and sliced off the boy’s ear instead.
When those robbers finally came to them, there was nothing glittering that attracted attention. So the robbers left them alone and passed them by.
Relieved, the father put the boy’s ear back on his head. But of course, it didn’t work!
Hoo How Wai was wounded by a poison arrow. He was quickly brought to Satkimany the medicine man. But before allowing Satkimany to remove the arrow, he asked, “Who is the guy who shot me?”
Satkimany shrugged his shoulders, and was about to remove the arrow when Hoo How Wai interrupted, “How did the guy shoot me? How come he didn’t get caught?”
Satkimany shrugged his shoulders again, and was about to remove the arrow when Hoo How Wai interrupted, “Why did the guy shoot me? Why no one else got shot?”
Satkimany sat back this time and said:
“Eh mister, your life is in danger right now. We actually don’t need to know the details of the shooting to treat your wound. But, it’s your life, you get to choose. So do you want to know more about the shooting incident right now or do you prefer to have your wound treated instead?”
Hoo How Wai lowered his head and said nothing. And Satkimany the medicine man proceeded to remove the poison arrow.
Knowing her husband’s fondness for pets, the Queen gave him on his birthday a rare and beautiful bird. The King was overjoyed. He nicknamed the bird Benjamin Khoon.
Because he himself loved laksa noodles, the King had his servants feed Benjamin Khoon the best laksa noodles every day. Because he himself loved rock music, the King hired a band to play Benjamin Khoon the loudest rock songs every night.
But the poor creature refused to eat the strange food. Frightened by the loud music, it also couldn’t sleep. Three days later, Benjamin Khoon died.
While on an overseas trip, a businessman saw a big fat parrot on sale at the marketplace. It could quote the Sutras, the Bible, the Koran, the Vedas and tell all sorts of clever stories in ten different languages.
Impressed, the businessman bought it and had a courier send the bird back to his girlfriend, Barbarella, in Singaland.
Three days later, he received an sms from Barbarella:
“Thank you, Jacques. The beautiful chicken, it was delicious.”
I dreamt that they brought in an elephant to the café.
The elephant was called ‘Great Phenomenon’. And there was this group of blind men invited to grope and feel the huge beast. They had to figure out what the thing was.
A blind man touching the long trunk said, “It’s a rope! It’s a rope! I’ve heard about it before!”
Another blind man touching the thick leg said, “It’s a tree! It’s a tree! I’ve heard about it before!”
The third blind man touching the flapping ear said, “It’s a fan! It’s a fan! I’ve heard about it before!”
It was comical watching them go at it, shouting out all sorts of wrong names. An old man sitting beside me turned and asked, “What about you? You think you know what it is?”
“Why? It’s an elephant, of course!” I replied with a smirk. “Anyone with eyes can see that!”
The old man stared at me with pupil-less eyes, and said, “Are you sure it’s really an elephant?”
At that moment, the huge beast in the café hissed and deflated like a balloon. The blind men also vaporized into grey smoke. The ground under my feet opened up, and I fell through the hole to wake up panting in my bedroom.
There was no elephant at all. There was no one else in my room. It’s – just a dream!
I was so excited by what I realised that I just had to tell someone about it. So I ran to my sister’s room and rapped at her door. She soon opened up. I gushed on and on about the awakening experience I had to her.
She smiled and looked kindly at me with pupil-less eyes. “Are you sure you’ve really awakened?”
A sudden fear gripped me. I realized: I don’t have a sister. And the ground under my feet opened up…