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Broken by 15 years in China and finding solace at the bottom of a dirty beer glass, all hope seems lost. The China TEFL Veteran – Sexpat Edition figure lets you experience the existential despair of teaching ESL in Tier 3 and navigating the urban hellscape on a busted electric bike. Activate Crippling Alcoholic Mode to ramp up the fun.

Armed with an online teaching license and a checkered past, this “educator” is turning things around. The China International School Chad figure lets you explore all the fun of Bumble dates in Shanghai, butchered Mandarin tones, and zipping around the French Concession on a little electric scooter. Activate Stacking Rambos Mode to take it to the next level.

Fresh out of college and back living with her parents, it’s time to shine. The China College Graduate – My First Rainy Edition figure lets you enjoy the drudgery of Chinese office work, parental curfews, and a gnawing sense that anywhere is better than here. Activate Language Exchange Mode to find your Tim.

They say the drugs don’t work, but they’ve clearly never lived in Zhengzhou. The China Expat Breakdown – Zhengzhou Edition lets you enjoy the onset of a full psychic break in a concrete box apartment after your fifth warning letter from HR for inappropriate conduct. Activate Self-Medicating Mode to make the voices go away.

35 is the new 20 — and doesn’t she know it. The China Independent Vivian – Brazilian Wax Edition figure lets you sculpt your figure to perfection, then toss the chihuahua in the back of the Merc for wine with the girls. Activate Now or Never Mode to find a suitable mate.

With six years in the company under her belt and a nascent understanding of the dark arts of HR, this lady is on the up. The China HR Rainy – Forbidden Fruit Edition lets you explore weekend yoga, caring for two cats, and a crippling smartphone and caffeine addiction. Activate Meet the Parents Mode around Chinese New Year for maximum effect.

George W. Bush is in power and he's not sending his best and brightest. The China White God – 2006 Edition immortalizes the original laowai legend in all his early golden age glory. Relive the magic of first-week orientation in Nanjing: a fresh Tsingtao in hand, a fake TEFL that opens doors and hearts, and limitless misplaced confidence. Handsum Mode permanently enabled.

They say you can’t find yourself in a wine bottle, but they’ve clearly never brunched in Sanlitun.The China Ultimate Fempat – Baker and Spice Edition captures the radiant chaos of mid-30s reinvention with boho flair and unapologetic main character energy. Comes equipped with a weathered copy of Eat, Pray, Love, a bottle of New World red, and an aura of spiritual superiority. Don't worry, Expat Only Dating Mode is always on.