Feb 7 2025
My queer enlightenment was my mother.
I still remember that in the era of the popularity of PHS, my mother's ringtone was always the song Poker Face. At first, I just thought my mother was a freak, the queen of black long eyeliner who opposed the Shamatte in the 10s. She was always dissatisfied with the established rules and standards of success in society, and took me from north to south. Her dissatisfaction with marriage was not reflected in her avoidance after being abused, but in the decisive distribution of property after divorce. She firmly believed that her fate would no longer rely on men and this patriarchal system.
When I was a child, I only thought that my mother was a ghost outside the normal social order and norms because she did not often appear by my side, either in the form of dreams or in the form of illusory pictures and virtual sounds to tell me her soft and more human side. My mother was trapped in the contradiction between the scarcity and liberation of the times, and my work now is to archive her life.
My mother is my culture, my muse, and the root of all failure, enchantment and destruction.
My critical enlightenment comes from her body, her pain, her emotions and her soul. She transcends the symbol of queerness, she can only be associated with the wildness outside the secular world, but I am proud of the secularity that my mother and I are always connected to.
We are structural monsters that cannot be determined and will never be determined. We live in a moment, in a time and space that cannot be connected by humanness.
March 4, 2025
To figure out my "failure", I think all the imperfections in me make me more "humanized" to be perceived as a normal person in this society. I have been living in a world, where my femininity was forbidden, degraded, and disposable. Failures in me are also a series of new salvation.
Thanks to all, my American application journey now needs to conclude.
April 18, 2025
I just flew back to my home after "wasting" 1 month of golden time with my best friend. This sense of loss rushed into the periphery of my emotions:
2月份做了一个听上去很疯狂的决定。不过或许，一切也早已有预谋。
把所有课程安排取消，把所有手头上的紧急工作赶完，留出不被任何情绪、行程和工作打搅的一个月的时间，从小城跨越太平洋到另外一个小城的梦工厂在魔都和故乡的寒冬的交界处开始叙事。我本以为这只是我索然无味人生中再不过稀松平常的一次旅行而已，尽管跋涉一万公里为他庆生是罗曼蒂克情节里最老套的那个。
梦工厂的命题是，被压抑许久的失望与挫败是否能够被短时间的陪伴与欢愉所冲击掉。我们彼此都知道短短一个月的时间里那种被孤独、焦虑与痛苦所裹挟而喘不上气的日子有多么难熬。但至少，我们灵魂共在，我们在共享的情动里成为对方的慰藉。无数个日与夜，我们在渴望和绝望中编织希望。
我们彷徨，我们失去了方向。旅途的启程，也正是由从长久的迷失中迸发出的强烈冲击感与眩晕感构成的。尽管不确定性与不可预见的未来埋下了许多“要活在当下”的故事线，我们似乎一直是抬头向前走的——就像我们说服自己接受被世俗定义的失败一样。因为，我们不擅长表达，我们把我们最脆弱的部分描绘成未来。
从被无数个失败中挣扎中解放的我们，对待即刻便灰飞烟灭的青春的方式是，尽可能地虚度那些被熹微的晨光、张扬的野花、夕阳染红的晚霞所填满的时间。手机里删不完的照片们把这些回忆镌刻在云盘数据里，以片刻换永恒。
我们在浪费时间里让对方确信我们的坚韧和坚持是让我们能够抵达彼岸的理由，持续跳动的心脏不会被波涛汹涌淹没。梦工厂也并非政治经济学意义上的产业链，我们从一开始就闪烁在不可复制的色彩之中。
#Florida25
#dreamscometrue
#resilience
#bff
#diary