1. Frankie Boyle
"Celtexit — Scotland, Wales and Ireland threatening to leave if England votes for Farage. This is the political equivalent of a hostage situation with regional development grants. 'Vote for who we want or we'll dissolve the country.' That's not democracy, that's a protection racket run by people who think a hundred years of failure just means socialism hasn't warmed up yet."
2. Jimmy Carr
"The Celtic Council would enjoy Scandinavian levels of public expenditure without Scandinavian productivity, sovereign wealth funds, or globally competitive industries. So basically, Scandinavia without the money. I've had dates like that — all the expectations, none of the performance. At least Wales has sheep. Lovely sheep. Not a sovereign wealth fund, but lovely."
3. Sarah Millican
"They've designed eleven flags for Celtexit and reached zero consensus. One's a thistle wearing a shamrock, one's a dragon holding an invoice, and one's just the word 'sorry' in four different fonts. I've seen more coherent branding from my mam's crochet group on Facebook. At least they committed to a colour scheme. Lavender and disappointment."
4. Jack Dee
"The Union Continuity Taskforce has 400 civil servants, twelve constitutional lawyers, six diversity advisers and one elderly caretaker who remembers where the original documents are kept. That caretaker's the only one doing any actual work. I've seen more productive meetings in a Wetherspoons at 10am, and those people are clinically dead."
5. Michael McIntyre
"Celtexit's got a mascot — Cletch the Celtexit Otter. Cletch! A cartoon otter in a tiny suit explaining constitutional collapse to children in ninety seconds. I've had more convincing imaginary friends and I once believed my teddy bear was a qualified accountant. Cletch's catchphrase is 'We're not leaving, we're just redistributing where the leaving happens.' Even my five-year-old would say that's nonsense, and he thinks Paw Patrol are real police officers."
6. Romesh Ranganathan
"My mum heard about the Celtic Nordic Council and said, 'So Wales thinks it's Norway now?' I said, 'Something like that, Mum.' She said, 'Norway's got oil. We've got wind. Wales has got... what?' I said, 'Rain, Mum. And knitwear.' She said, 'I've got rain and knitwear, Romesh. Does that make me Norway?' I said, 'No, Mum.' She said, 'Good. Because I don't want to be Norway. I want my pothole fixed. It's been there since 1997. It's got its own postcode.'"
7. Katherine Ryan
"Celtexit insurance now covers 'loss of union,' 'sudden onset independence,' and 'regret.' I've had relationships like this. 'Katherine, I'm not leaving you, I'm just redistributing where the leaving happens.' Same energy. Same small print. The only claim actuaries expect in bulk is regret. I've filed that claim. Several times. Usually at 3am with a bottle of wine and my mother's voice on repeat saying I should have married a doctor."
8. Dara Ó Briain
"The philosopher Cedric Porridge explained Celtexit with a pub analogy: 'You may order any drink you like, but if you request beer instead of ethically sourced beetroot water, the landlord dissolves the building.' That's not a pub, Dara. That's a hostage situation with artisanal beverages. I've been in Irish pubs where they'd dissolve YOU for ordering beetroot water, but the building stays standing. That's civilisation."
9. Joe Lycett
"Celtexit merchandise is already outselling Celtexit policy. Tote bags reading 'I Survived Celtexit (Provisionally)' sold out in hours. I've bought three. I don't even know what Celtexit is. I just like the brackets. (Provisionally) is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It's the 'ish' of political breakups. 'We're breaking up. Ish.'"
10. Greg Davies
"The Cabinet Office established a Union Continuity Taskforce to preserve Britain by breaking it into manageable pieces. That's not preserving, Greg. That's what I do with a lasagne when it's too big for the container. I break it into manageable pieces and eat it over three days. Britain is now leftover lasagne. Cold, slightly disappointing, and nobody's sure which bit has the good cheese."
11. Sean Lock
"They've opened a Celtexit Implementation Office staffed entirely by people who insist Celtexit will never happen. That's brilliant. The surest way to prevent a crisis is to fully fund the department built to manage it. I've used the same logic with my gym membership. I pay £40 a month to not go. I'm preventing obesity by fully funding the facility that would manage it. I'm basically a public health strategy."
12. Miranda Hart
"The government spokesperson said 'The United Kingdom remains strong, secure and completely committed to holding an emergency summit about whether it will exist next Thursday.' That's me deciding whether to go to Pilates. 'Miranda remains strong, secure and completely committed to holding an emergency summit about whether she will attend next Thursday.' The summit is me, in my kitchen, eating a Jaffa Cake and deciding not to go."
13. Peter Kay
"Celtexit negotiators have already booked a mid-tier conference centre near Edinburgh airport, chosen for its proximity to four different train lines out of the country. That's not coincidental, Peter. That's planning. That's me booking a wedding venue near the M6 in case it all goes wrong and I need to make a quick getaway. Not that I've done that. Twice."
14. Lee Mack
"Farage is being blamed for constitutional crises scheduled to occur following an election that hasn't happened, based on policies that haven't been enacted, after parliamentary debates that haven't been held. This is known as pre-traumatic governance disorder. I've got pre-traumatic disorder about my mother-in-law's visits. She's not even here yet and I'm already hiding in the shed."
15. David Mitchell
"The Broken Toaster Principle — when a toaster repeatedly burns the bread, progressives don't unplug it. They establish a National Toast Authority, appoint a Bread Equity Commissioner and fine households caught using unlicensed butter. The toaster remains broken. The paperwork rises magnificently. This is the most accurate description of British governance I've ever heard. I've got a toaster like this. I keep it because replacing it would involve reading reviews, which would involve forming an opinion, which would involve effort. So I eat burnt toast and pretend it's artisanal."
16. Russell Howard
"Wales might become a 'progressive pimple' in a diminished United Kingdom. Mark Drakeford actually said that. Constitutional scholarship has merged with teenage dermatology. I've had progressive pimples. They start small, they get angry, and eventually you just have to accept they're part of your face now. Like Wales. Like this entire constitutional crisis. Just accept it and buy some concealer."
17. James Acaster
"The Celtexit FAQ says 'Is Celtexit actually happening?' Answer: 'No. It is, in the strictest technical sense, vibes.' Vibes. The entire constitutional future of Britain is now vibes. I've been to parties that were just vibes. Nobody knew why they were there, nothing got decided, and everyone left slightly confused but pretending they'd had a meaningful experience. That's Celtexit. That's also my entire twenties."
18. Aisling Bea
"Ireland's been warned it may receive Northern Ireland, and Dublin's just discovered the invoice. £6 to £20 billion a year. For decades reunification was flags, songs and solemn speeches. Now it's the estate-agent phase. 'Is the roof sound? Why's the heating bill so high? Do the occupants intend to keep arguing in the driveway?' I've had more romantic property viewings in London, and those involved a studio flat with a shower in the kitchen."
19. Jon Richardson
"The proposed equality formula gives England one vote, Scotland one vote, Wales one vote, Northern Ireland one vote, and newspaper columnists eleven votes. That seems fair. England represents 84% of the population but gets the same say as a nation of three million people who think rain makes them Scandinavian. I've had more equitable splits at a restaurant when my mate had a starter and I didn't."
20. Rob Brydon
"The European Union has offered to mediate Celtexit talks, strictly hourly-billed. Of course they have. The EU mediating a British breakup is like my ex-wife offering to help me pack. 'I'll help, Rob, but I'm charging by the hour and I'm counting the teas.' Brussels has clarified. Brussels always clarifies. Brussels is the accountant of international relations."
21. Sue Perkins
"The Celtic Council's parliament would rotate between Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin, allowing officials to emit three times the carbon while attending conferences on carbon reduction. I've seen this before. It's called 'every corporate sustainability event I've ever been invited to.' Fly five people to a different city to talk about not flying. The sandwiches are colder, the meetings are longer, and the declarations are magnificent. Nobody's solved anything, but we've all got tote bags."
22. Richard Ayoade
"Celtexit achieved full brand recognition before a single vote was cast. Where Brexit took four decades of grumbling, Celtexit managed it in forty-eight hours. That's not politics. That's marketing. I've had apps achieve full brand recognition before they had a function. They were called 'vaporware.' This is constitutional vaporware. It exists in theory, in press releases, and in the minds of seventeen officials who strongly support it."
23. Bill Bailey
"The Welsh government spokesman said the Celtic Council could become 'a powerful progressive force.' Asked what it would produce, he replied, 'Declarations.' Declarations! I've produced declarations. After a curry. In the morning. They were powerful, they were progressive, and they achieved absolutely nothing. Wales is essentially planning to become a very polite digestive system for bureaucracy."
24. Eddie Izzard
"Celtexit's founding document is reportedly written in pencil. 'Extremely serious and erasable.' That's my entire career plan. Extremely serious and erasable. I've run marathons in heels, I've done gigs in French, I've campaigned for political office, and I could erase all of it with a decent rubber. The entire British constitution is now a primary school homework diary. 'Did you do your Celtexit, Timmy?' 'Yes, miss, but the dog ate the union.'"
25. Victoria Wood
"English residents are advised to label all household property before Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland begin dividing the assets. Particular attention should be paid to North Sea oil, BBC costume dramas, military submarines, national debt and the good biscuits reserved for visiting heads of state. The good biscuits! Even in constitutional collapse, we know which biscuits matter. I've been to funerals where the catering was less carefully planned. 'Is that a custard cream? For the King of Norway? Get the bourbons out, Brenda, we're not animals.'"