That’s Not the Way We Did It in California

When I moved to Pennsylvania, I resolved never to utter that phrase. I sensed that many Pennsylvanians didn’t care much for California. Perhaps it was a simple case of envy. California has a better climate, higher mountains, deeper valleys, bigger trees, and Hollywood.

Comparing Pennsylvania unfavorably to California also invites the quick retort: “Well, if you like it so much, why don’t you just move back there?”

Nonetheless—and at the risk of alienating my new friends—the Keystone State does have a few quirks not found in the Golden State.

Freeway accident policies
In California, the goal of the CHP seems to be: Keep the traffic moving. Pull out the wounded, take a few photos, push the cars to the shoulder, and start the traffic flowing. Move along—nothing to see here. In Pennsylvania, the State Troopers halt the traffic, get out tape measures, interview everyone within sight, and block all lanes for hours. Hours! (I might also point out that the Pennsylvania Turnpike is not, by any stretch, a “freeway.”)

Volunteer fire departments
California municipalities of any reasonable size have professional fire departments. Here in Pennsylvania, most towns and townships rely on volunteer firefighters. A bell rings, sirens sound, calls are made, and the volunteers leave their homes or jobs to fight the fire. At least we hope so. As good as they are, they are always in need of money for equipment and training—thus, all the bingo nights. I admire volunteers, but professionals might be just a tad more reassuring.

The state legislature
The Pennsylvania House of Representatives has 203 members; the State Senate has 50. California—roughly three times the population—gets by with 80 Assembly members and 40 Senators. Eighty is far more efficient and far less expensive than 253. We have a lot of “furniture” in our legislature, and I don’t mean the chairs.

The prothonotary
Most Pennsylvania counties elect a prothonotary for a four-year term. This office dates back to the colonial era under William Penn. I dutifully vote for our prothonotary, although I have no idea what she does—and William Penn is not available to explain.

The Amish
They are known for their quaint ways. They travel only by horse and buggy, which slows down traffic and produces horse manure. I never saw any Amish in California.

Electioneering at polling places
When you go in to vote here, volunteers stand at the entrance thrusting campaign literature in your face, trying to win your vote at the last possible moment. This is one reason I vote by mail. In California, campaigners must stand at least 100 feet from the entrance, so nobody bothers the voters. What a concept.

County and local governments
California has 58 counties, some larger than Rhode Island. Pennsylvania, a much smaller state, has 67. To complicate things further, each county is divided into boroughs and townships. Townships were originally rural, but now many have larger populations than adjacent boroughs. There appears to be no mechanism—or appetite—for change.

Music
Pennsylvania has polka bands.

I’ll conclude with this plea: If you are reading this and have relatives in Pennsylvania, please don’t send them a copy of this essay.

~ Roy Christman