Snooty egomaniac who, lamentably, can back it up.

Prone to vices.  So. Many. Vices.

So far, humiliated rival archer and got naughty with a saucy twin!

And you think Angus is an insufferable prig...?

Heir to the Rothwell legal dynasty.

So far, not as smooth with The Ladies; then again, tried to punch above his weight class.

King Of The Geeks (whether he likes it or not).

Inventor of the technological marvel of our age, PENI-5!

Hey, fellow kids!

Have you heard The Good News about the original counselor of that great big summer camp in the sky?

Let's "rap" about The J-Man with some fellowship and fun!

Take the mic, Premiere Electronic Noise Innovator #5!

*BEEP / BOOP / WHIRRR*

"I'M. PE-NI-5. AND. I'M. HERE. TO. SAY...

...I'M. A. PAR-TAY. ROCK-IN'.  RO-BOT. EV-ER-Y. DAY."

WICK-Y. WICK-Y. WICK-Y."

*RECORD SCRATCH EFFECT*

Yo, that's def, homies!

Belligerent and angry because you're young and he's not.

No-nonsense to the point of sadism.

You WILL have fun... OR ELSE.

World-weary mascot and resident axe-throwing instructor.

Drowns his ancestral sorrows in... siiiiigh... "heap-big fire-water". 

Loathes you palefaced little snots with every stitch of his leggings.

Puts the "quack" in "quack shack". 

Wayyyyy too generous with the prescriptions (and gets high on his own supply). 

And gals, don't let him inspect you for ticks....

The true brains behind the bandages.

Runs the clinic with professionalism and aplomb.

And give her credit--OF COURSE she knows you got poison ivy on purpose just so she'd apply that ointment.

Mercurial, bouncing from jovial to rabid in an eyeblink.

Rumored to have done hard time for... something... that happened to his ex-wife and her boyfriend.

And complain about his cigar ashes in your eggs, and damn straight you'll get "extra ingredients" in your meals....

If you thought Nurse Montclair was easy on the eyes....

Legit loves both the swampy outdoors and the sweaty campers.

She's clearly deranged.

And what's up with that pentagram tattoo...?

Barely smarter than your average houseplant...

...but a savant with a saw.  ANY and ALL saws.  And hammers, nailguns, crowbars, pitchforks....

Rumored his cap hides a horseshoe-shaped dent from getting, uh, "frisky" with the livestock....

Actually works for the county, but around so much he's practically an employee.

"Good cop" who won't tell if he catches you with contraband, but it's definitely his now because that stash ain't gonna smoke itself....

Same as Dupree, always loitering about (particularly near the ladies' showers....)

Unlike Dupree, totally the "bad cop" who will bust you unless certain, um, "fines" are paid.

Beginning of every summer, delivers loads of ingrates to camp.

End of every summer, returns with fewer campers than he started with.

Heh-heh-heh.  Serves 'em right.

Jovial and jocular.  Will talk your ears off!

*Very* concerned for your spiritual welfare.

Maybe meet back in his cramped chapel office for an intimate laying-on-of-hands...?

Squirrely, twitchy, and shrill.

Terrified of snakes.

Rumored to have spent senior year in an asylum....

Polite, smart, wholesome, generous, compassionate, pretty:  the full pristine package.

Perfect, in every way.

Eminently hateable.

Nicest guy you'll ever meet.

Ridiculously nice.  Absurdly nice.

And really, Really, REALLY wants to show you his collection.

Why, yes, that is a jar of teeth....

Has that "Gary Coleman disease".

May explain why she wins the talent show every year.

May also explain why she's a complete and utter monster.

Worst, though?  Total. Narc.

Local hermit.

Cleans trash for mess hall scraps, and keeps the money from recycled bottles and cans.  SCORE!

Taxidermy enthusiast.

And may jes' share his homemade corn-squeezins if'n ya take off yer top....

Big Man On Campus, who lettered in football, baseball, track, ludes, and date-rape.

Mayor's son, and won't let you forget it.

You DEFINITELY don't want to be on his radar....

Rex's right-hand henchgoon and fellow untouchable hoodlum.

Eats dorks like you for breakfast.

Use his real name if you wanna learn how he earned his handle....

Rex's main squeeze.

Rumored to have gotten more than one male teacher (and bus driver, and guidance counselor, and vice-principal, and...) fired for "reasons".

Will TOTALLY let you touch her goodies to make Rex jealous....

Rhonda wears pigtails and Rhoda wears a ponytail... or is it the other way around?

Legends say they'll make out with each other for a swig of your bottle...

...AND will let you take Polaroids.  Yowza!

Desperately wants to be your girlfriend.

Knows EVERYTHING about EVERYONE.

Couldn't keep a secret with a machete to her throat.

Say, wanna know who stuffs their bra?  Or maybe see a dead body...?

PUH-LEEEEEZE let him be your best friend?!!!

Will TOTALLY do your homework!

Or let you smash gum in his afro!

Will even eat that dead frog over there!

PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEZE?!!!!!!!

No, she's not Clarence's sister.  Or boyfriend, GROSS!

Loves music.  And robotics.  And boys with names that start with 'Z' who build musical robots.....

And fire.  Can't forget the fire.

What, those long, sharp, stained needles?  They're for knitting, silly goose!

Exchange student from one of those countries with different standards of teenage propriety (particularly public nudity).

Speaks in all consonants and umlauts.

Heard she's swimming in The Olympics next year!

Speaking of Olympic-class athletes, there's nobody better than "Bullseye" Engels.

Well, except for that pretentious Cunningham kid and his fancy gear bought by Mumsy and Daddums....

If only there were some way to eliminate the competition...?

Forget your camping essentials like whoopie cushions, rubber vomit, joy buzzers, stinkbombs, and / or disguises?  Hobie's gotcha covered!

But why would anyone bring a tote fulla prosthetic scars, fake blood, and prop weapons...?

An immense, imposing figure seen only in a flash of lightning.

WHO--OR WHAT--IS UNDER THAT HELMET?!!! 

AND WHAT DO THEY WANT... BEYOND YOUR DEMISE?!!!

Young camper Ajax Davis saw this ominous figure trudging from Lake Heron under the cover of night!

Bless his courage in warning the cast!

Sure scarier than a machete, butcher knife, or razor-gloves, eh, kiddies?!!!

Perfect for puncturing pipes...

...windpipes, that is!!!

Catch of the day?

More like catch of THE SLAY!!!

Securely and safely stops submersion...

...but also crushes, causing crainia to *KABOOM*!!!

For detonating deviant delinquents at a distance!!!

Allows observation in even the darkest depths!!!

With retractable tines for gripping gooshy ground and extracting innards!!!

Found in Director Phelps' footlocker.

Why was this particular volume, out of dozens upon dozens, hidden away?

An image of happy campers from days gone by...

...featuring a veritable rogues' gallery of reckless rapscallions!

(Went uncovered by the players, but seen by the cinema audience.)

Decades ago, at a forbidden beach party, intoxicated camp counselors Axel, Maggie, and Johnny hooted and hollered as their disliked colleague, Quentin, had a seizure and sank beneath the waters of Lake Heron...

...and then covered up that errant speedboat (piloted by spoiled brat Malcolm) slicing him to ribbons.

His body was never found, and the tragedy looms over Camp Karankawa to this day.

Harpooned through the throat.

Drowning in blood, the old letch died ugly.

Only Angus and Angus alone saw it happen, and what will he do about it?!!!

(Corpse ultimately discovered by Chris and Jonathan in the barn.

And turns out he was killed for dispensing drugs to the kids!)

Rhonda?  No, definitely Rhoda... wait... it was Rhonda, right?

Barreled into invisible web of fishing line and rusty lures, leaving her hooked, hanging, and helpless...

...as big-ass trident went all "fork meets spaghetti" to sweetbreads before extruding spine.

Yikes.  The MPAA is definitely gonna make us cut that.

Angus and Richie caught ol' Reverend Badtouch mid-perv on sleeping campers, and tried to stop him with projectiles...

...only for The Diver to appear and curbstomp him into paste.  Turns out said campers were foam heads with wigs–a nefarious trap, indeed!

Died as he lived:  shrieking at campers and oblivious to The Bigger Picture.

Impaled from behind with The Diver's trademark trident.

Turns out "Quincy Montclair" was really Quinn Monroe, twin sister of the first Camp Karankawa victim some twenty-five years ago.

Vengeance against Camp Karankawa and its staff fueled her aquatic animosity over the years, but she fell into full-on slasherdom (complete with hydraulic exo-suit and themed gimmicks) when her brother's killers' offspring all attended the same fateful week!

Perished by a crazed combo of...

Johnathan jousting with a pitchfork from horseback!

PENI-5 mace-smashing with its microphone!

Chris critical-hitting with a lawn dart to the neck!

Angus launching arrows into kneecaps!

Zeke jury-rigging a projectile and critical-hitting–and then max-critting again!–The Diver straight in the faceplate, causing a clanging cacophony of confined cranial crunching!

IT.  WAS.  BONKERS!!!

Grants +1 To-Hit On All Ranged Combat Rolls

(Earned by Angus for INSANE rolls in an impromptu archery wager)

Raises Recipient's Poison Saving Throw +1

(Earned by Angus for excellence in debauchery)

Grants +1 To All Persuasion-Based Rolls

(Earned by Jonathan for feats of douchery)

Grants +1 To All Tech-Related Rolls

(Earned by Zeke for wacky robot hijinks)

Grants +1 To All Performance-Based Rolls

(Earned by Chris for changing hearts and minds for The Lord)

Raises Recipient's Courage Saving Throw +1; Grants +1 AC

(Earned by Chris for being the first to say, "We should all split up.")

Grants +1 To All Investigation-Based Rolls

(Earned by Angus for being first to gaze into a horrifying View-Master™)

Grants +1 To All Swimming-Based Rolls

(Earned by all for surviving sabotaged canoes and gimmicked hyper-inflate-until-your-head-pops life vests!)

Grants +1 To All Equestrian-Related Rolls

(Earned by Jonathan for feats of barnyard lancery!)

Grants +1 To All Electronics Rolls and +1 To Owner's Choice Of Single Knowledge- Or Science-Related Rolls

(Earned by Zeke for rapid reconstruction of rapping robot into firearm fueled by forbidden familial fascism!)

Can Be Redeemed For One Re-Roll Of Owner's Choice

(Earned by Chris and Zeke for fabulous feats of dicery!)

Grants Permanent +3 To Survival Attribute And +1 To All Saving Throws

(Earned by Zeke for claiming the killing blow!)

Grants Permanent +1 To Any Attribute Of Player's Choice, +1 Survival Attribute, +1 AC, And+3 Hit Points

(Earned by all for making it to the closing credits!

Bah! Mean ol' players with their complete lack of gory demises, especially Zeke's skull not popping and Chris' torso not igniting!  THE AUDIENCE WAS ROBBED!!!)