S&TB DIALOG

Smokey And The Bandit Script

(IGNITION STARTS)

(ENGINE IDLING)

(AIR BRAKES HISS)

You heard 'bout the legend of Jesse James And John Henry just to mention some names. Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today

A man called Bandit from Atlanta, Ga. Every gearjammer knows his name. They swear he got asphalt a-runnin'in his veins. A foot like lead and 

nerves like steel. He's gonna go to glory ridin'    wheels. Oh, boy He left Atlanta back in '63  Haulin'him a load up to Tennessee He hit Mount 

Eagle in a drivin'rain So hard he couldn't even see the passin' lane Well, he started down the grade when he lost a gear He hit them brakes,

found he had no air. The Mount Eagle grade is steep and long. And everybody that seen it thought the Bandit was gone.  All gone Well, his truck

jack-knifed turned completely around He was comin' down backwards 'bout the speed of sound. A lot of folks seen him and they all say. He had

his head out the window yellin', "Clear the way!"

Well, he got to the bottom

safe and sound

Everybody asked Bandit

how he made it down

He said, "Folks, when the truck

picked up too much speed

"I just run along beside it

and drug my feet"

Ya heard the legend

ofJesse James

And John Henry

just to mention some names

Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend

in the South today

A man called Bandit

from Atlanta, Ga.

Every gearjammer

knows his name

They swear he's got asphalt

a-runnin'in his veins

A foot like lead

and nerves like steel

He's goin' up to glory

ridin'    wheels

Ah, tell me, boy

Talk to me, guitar

Hey, Kirk. How ya doin'?

Tod Engels. How are ya?

- This your rig, son?

- Yeah.

Open it up. Let's see the manifest.

Well, placin' you under arrest

for transportin' alcoholic beverages

across state lines

without the proper permits.

And that means you,

you dumb cowboy.

You know truckin' Coors beer

east of Texas is bootleggin'.

- This here's Georgia, son.

- Just a friendly bet.

These two old boys put me up to it.

Now, when ya gonna learn?

Big and Little Enos Burdette make that

same bet with every gearjammer they can.

I say he ain't gonna go

for your game.

Son, from what I've heard, the biggest

thing about the Bandit is his ego,

and I figure that plus a lot of my dollars,

and he'll try anything, legal or not.

(ANNOUNCER) They've put on quite a show

for us today, haven't they, friends?

Yes, sir, you have seen some of

the finest gearjammin'in all of this country.

Remember, these are the boys that take

the long hauls They really did it today.

- Hoss... Where might I find the Bandit?

- I ain't seen him.

- Over there behind his rig.

- Who wants to see him?

- Who's askin'?

- I'm askin'.

'Cause I'm the guy payin' him $   a day

so all his loyal fans can look at him.

Do it.

I'm buyin' your attraction

for a half an hour.

Egotistical son of a bitch.

A guy that paints his truck like this would go

to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.

(BIG ENOS) See, son? Old legends

never die. They just lose weight.

Seems like a legend and an out-of-work

bum look a lot alike, Daddy.

(BIG ENOS)

Bandit, me and my son are here.

Oh, I love your suits.

It must be a bitch gettin' a size

   extra-fat and a    dwarf.

I came to make a deal. What's he get

if he wins this truck rodeo thing?

- (BANDIT) lf? I

- $     Daddy.

- Chicken-shit money.

- Just what the hell you want, anyway?

You to get out of this dumb-ass rodeo

and accept a real challenge.

(BANDIT) Gettin' to Texarkana and back

in    hours, that's no problem.

- It ain't never been done before, hotshit.

- Watch your language, little lady.

The problem is that Coors beer.

You take that east of Texas

and that's, uh... that's bootleggin'.

I believe you're just a little bit scared.

Great psychology. Why don't you say

somethin' bad about my mother?

- Your mama is so ugly...

- Look, you make this run for me.

These Peterbilts are worth $     .

That comes to about three grand

an hour if you make it in    hours.

How about that for a challenge?

- Dad, I don't believe that that's necess...

- Never mind.

Wait a minute. Why do you

want that beer so bad?

Because he's thirsty, dummy.

You see, I got a boy runnin' tomorrow

in the Southern Classic

When he wins,

I wanna celebrate in style.

- How much style?

- Well, I got a few friends and me.

    cases.

-     cases...?

- Well?

- Well, let me see your cash.

- Big Enos's word is gold.

All right show him the cash.

- Go ahead, Little.

- Shit.

Let's see. There's     cases of beer,

I'll need the cash for that.

No problem. Go ahead, boy.

New car. Gotta have a new car

to block for the truck.

- OK. Go ahead, boy.

- I'd like to kick his ass just once.

Speedy car.

Speedier than that.

Go ahead.

- Hello, darlin'.

- Hi, Uncle Bandit.

- Which one of the house apes are you?

- Kate.

He's droppin' 'em like flies, isn't he?

Well, well, well. Hello, beautiful.

- How about 'gorgeous'?

- You can't have him.

Obviously you can. What are you

tryin' to do, start another race?

Look, you got Cledus in jail once.

Leave us alonel

- Hi, Uncle Banditl

- He ain't your damn unclel

I always recognise youl You know why?

You always kick me in the ballsl

Damn it, Banditl Look at mel

I find it hard to look at you, Waynette,

especially with those things in your hair.

Makes me think you're listening

to a radio station in Savannah.

You can't go in there and bother Cledus.

Heyl This is my homel

- Cledus.

- Nol

I know in the past

I may have done you wrong.

- Right?

- Right.

However, in the future, Cledus,

I will never, ever do you wrong again.

- Right?

- Right.

We have a big chance, a big chance

to make a run for some big bucks.

-       of them.

- Really?

- Are we gonna kidnap the Pope or somethin'?

- How'd you guess?

No. We're just gonna run over to Texarkana

and pick up     cases of Coors

and bring it back in    hours.

Whoal I got a flash for you.

That's called bootleggin',

and that's against the law.

Who gives a turkey when the Snowman

and the Bandit are runnin' the booze?

- No one can stop us.

- Hold it right there.

There ain't gonna be no more

Snowman and Bandit.

Because I've got to go in the morning

to Conyers and pick up a load of manure.

- Shitty job.

- Can I ask you a question?

Sure. Ask me.

What the hell do we wanna go to

Texas for and haul beer back here?

For the good old American life.

For the money, for the glory

and for the fun.

Mostly for the money. You know

what we're gonna do with the money?

- What?

- We're gonna buy a new rig.

- You're crazy, you know that.

- Yeah.

- How much money did you say it was?

- $     .

$     ?

- Hm.

- Waynettel

Now, Bo, I'm tellin' ya,

Fred here ain't gonna be no problem.

- I can see he'll be a major asset.

- Besides, he's one hellacious watchdog.

- Well, let's get goin'.

- Whoa. Hold it a minute.

I got to ask you a question.

Sit right there, Fred.

You mean to tell me

we're gonna drive from here

to Texarkana, Texas,

and back to here in    hours?

It's only     miles there

and     miles back.

Well, for your information,

that ain't never been done, not in no rig.

'Cause you and I never done it in no rig.

You gotta stop thinkin' so negative.

'Course we can make it.

We ain't never not made it yet, have we?

- Well, no.

- You see? There you are.

Yeah. Yeah, I see. I see all right.

I see our asses in a sling

if we get caught that's what I see.

Heyl Ho-ho-hol

Well, God Almighty,

would you look at thatl

- It's beautiful, huh?

- Honey, hush.

I don't guess we're gonna be ridin'

in the truck together this time?

No, son. I'll be drivin' this one

and blockin'.

You'll be drivin' the truck.

This is Bandit One and that is...

...Bandit Two. Together again.

- Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl

- That's right. But we got a problem.

You know them Smokeys

got them CBs in the car now.

I haven't worked that out yet,

but I'm thinkin' about it.

I got an idea.

Why don't we do this?

If I say go to channel    forget it.

We ain't goin' to    we're goin' to   .

-    is   ?

- If I say go to channel six, forget it.

- We go to three.

- I go to three. Perfect.

- If I say go to channel two, we go to one.

- Two is one.

- That'll confuse everybody.

- That'll confuse 'em.

On the other hand,

if we stayed on the odd channels,

switched every time and started

in the basement, that'd work, too.

- That'd do it, too, wouldn't it?

- Well, yeah, that'd work too, I guess.

- Let's haul ass.

- OK.

(FRED BARKS)

Breaker One. This is the Bandit.

Is the Snowman out there?

- Am I hittin'ya, son?

- Mercy sakes.

You put about eight and a half on me,

blowin' my windows out. Bring it on.

I'll be within earshot.

You keep it wound up to around   .

- Hey, Bandit. Me and Fred's got a question.

- What do you and Fred want?

How come we're doing this?

They said it couldn't be done.

- That's the reason.

- That's good with Fredl

  - .

Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'

We gonna do what they say

can't be done

We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run

Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes

Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make

The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana

And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes

Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'

We gonna do what they say

can't be done

We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run

Old Smokey's

got them ears on

He's hot on your trail

And he ain't gonna rest

till you're in jail

So you've got to dodge him

you've got to duck him

You've got to keep

that diesel truckin'

Just put that hammer down

and give it hell

(SIREN)

Well, hello there, Smokey.

Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'

We gonna do what they say

can't be done

We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run

Keep your foot hard on the pedal,

son, never mind them brakes

Let it all hang out

'cause we got a run to make

The boys are thirsty in Atlanta

and there's beer in Texarkana

And we'll bring it back

no matter what it takes

Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'

We gonna do what they say

can't be done

We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run

Fred, I hope me and you

ain't lettin' Bandit

talk us into somethin'

we gonna be sorry for, son,

'cause he's about as crazy

as you are ugly.

Westbound and down

   wheels a-rollin'

We gonna do what they say

can't be done

We've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

I'm westbound

Just watch ol'Bandit run

- Big town, ain't it?

- I wonder what they do for excitement.

They probably sit around

and watch the cars rust.

- Damn it, it's locked.

- We're about an hour ahead of schedule.

- Let's keep it that way.

- All right.

Hey, want a beer?

- Well, sonl

- Redneck heaven.

- How we gonna load all this stuff, though?

- I'll load it with this.

- You can't drive no forklift.

- I can drive any forkin' thing around.

- Get seriousl Can you drive this thing?

- I am serious.

- Crank it up. Now back it up.

- Oh, shut upl

- I said back it up, not raise it upl

- I am backin' up, ya big dumbbell!

Hold itl The beerl Watch the beerl

- (LAUGHS) You all right?

- Very funny (l) Very funny (l)

I thought it was funny.

Hey, we really oughta pay somebody

for that mess we made in there.

- All right have you...

- I got that all worked out.

You just leave a note. Tell the folks

to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.

"Send... bill... to... Big... Enos... Burdette."

(BANDIT'S CAR LEAVES)

Burdette. B...

B-e-r... B-u-r... B...

Hell, I got to go.

(MAN ON CB) Hey, Spiderman,

are you out there? Come back.

Snowmanl How we doin', son?

Come on back.

Hang on just a minute,

and I'll tell ya.

We're about    minutes ahead of schedule.

- Come back.

- I hate to say I told you so.

Don't lose your head, son.

We still got a lot of boogiein' to do.

Put the pedal to the metal.

I'm   -   on the side.

For sure. Me and Fred,

we got your back door, ain't we, Fred?

- Sorry. I don't want to get married.

- Terrific That makes two of us.

- Will you unzip me?

- Sure.

- Does this thing move?

- Oh, yeah.

(BLARES HORN)

Where are we going?

No, don't tell me. Let me guess.

- We are a bride in search of a wedding.

- No.

There is a wedding in search of a bride.

Let me put it another way.

Think of it as a wedding posse

in search of a bride.

- You understand that cowboy?

- Yeah.

What are ya doin'?

- These are my shoes.

- Oh, yeah.

- And these are my legs.

- Yeah.

- What are you gonna do with them?

- With the shoes or the legs?

Last time I saw legs like that

they had a message tied to 'em.

What do you mean? These are

great little legs. I'm a professional.

Well, in that case,

you shouldn't be dressed in white.

- Dancer.

- Oh.

Well, cowboys love fat calves.

- They're not fat.

- They're bigger than mine.

- Do we really wanna talk about legs?

- One of us does.

Otherwise we wouldn't have gone...

What are we doing now?

Well, I am getting my clothes, you fool.

Good idea. Why don't you

slip into somethin' comfortable?

Are we really going    ?

We're going    I

Why do you wear that cowboy hat?

Because you think it looks dazzling on you.

I'd no idea this dress

would be so hard to get out of.

Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen.

Come here, son.

Whoopsl

You look tired, boy. Rest yourself.

You punks look tuckered out, too.

That's an attention-getter.

- Now, a lady in a weddin' gown.

- Yes, sir.

- Get in a car?

- Yes, sir.

- See who was drivin'?

- N-no, sir.

- Licence plate?

- Y-yes, sir. Georgia plates.

"Ban-one."

B-A-N dash O-N-E.

All right. Now, you boys

just stay here and watch the car.

There might be some vandals around

who wanna steal somethin',

so you boys just stay here

and keep your hands on the car

until one of my aassociates arrive.

And don't go home, don't go to eat,

and don't play with yourself.

It wouldn't look nice on my highway.

Oh, you can think about it,

but don't do it.

Hey, man, he's gone.

Let's get outta here.

Shitl You do what you want.

I'm stayin' right here.

   years old and... Oh, goodness,

what's this? I'll tuck it right in.

I was down here dancing

in a home appliance show.

- I danced around three trash mashers.

- Talk to me, my boy.

I had this costume that lit up.

I only short-circuited once.

- Where did you get that seat cover, son?

- This ain't no seat cover.

- I was standing in the parking lot...

- I'm sitting next to Lawrence of Arabia.

I met this guy... These can't be my pants.

God, he was good-looking.

- And he had this hat on...

- Funny, ain't she?

I think he was from Texas or something,

and I thought "Why not marry the guy?"

Nobody walks out

on a pretty weddin' I set up.

I'm gonna get that girl

and set everything straight.

She insulted my town.

She insulted my son.

- Look, what if we...

- Shut upl She insulted my authority.

And that's nothin' but pure and simple

old-fashioned Communism.

It happens every time one of those

dancers starts poontangin' around...

with those show-folk fags.

Halfway down the aisle I said to myself,

"Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

His mother doesn't even have any teethl"

I jumped in this car, and it blew up

on the side of the road,

and I ended up in this goddamn airplane.

What do you do?

I don't remember.

- Oh, are we on the air?

- Sort of, yeah.

You think I'm... nuts, don't you?

No, I don't think you're crazy.

I picked up three brides yesterday,

just like you, very subdued.

Hey, what... what's goin' on up there?

- Come back, Bandit

- Bandit?

- Is that your name or your profession?

- That's my handle. Bo's my real name.

- What's your name?

- Carrie.

Is she wearing a wedding dress?

She was.

What's she wearin' now?

Come back.

Hey, you got peanut butter

or somethin' in your ears?

Tell me what that woman's got on...

her mindl

  - I

No coozie's gonna leave me

at no church.

Decoratin' up a whole town

at a cost of $  .

Right.

I can see her now,

runnin' back up that aisle...

No, she was dancin'

back up the aisle,

her knockers bouncin'

all over the joint.

Let go of that wheel.

Why, her ass was wigglin', too.

Why so fast?

You're late for a big bowling date?

Cute.

- So, tell me about yourself.

- What do you wanna know, my sign?

- What do you do besides drive fast?

- Have fun.

- Is this fun?

- Drivin'?

- Driving, talking to me.

- They're both a challenge.

- You've got a great profile.

- Yeah, don't I? Especially from the side.

At least we finally agree on something.

Yeah. We both like half my face.

Hey, would a cop taking a leak

on the side of the road interest you?

Yes, it would.

- He's taking a   -   .

- At least it's better than a   -   .

(SIREN)

- Smokey.

- Smokey.

- Is this fun?

- I forgot to tell ya:

I'm runnin' blocker for     cases

of illegal Coors.

Holy shitl

I don't believe this.

Funny, I don't remember that turn.

- Bandit, where the hell are you?

- I'll be back on the highway in a second.

All right, good buddy.

I'll keep my eyes peeled.

- Them things are fabulous.

- I think I just went   -   .

- Well, it's better than   -   .

- That's true.

Well, the more wheels I got

the better I like it.

I'm the brother of a truck-driving mother

boogity, boogity, boogity, boogity.

- Snowman, you got your ears on?

- You lucky devil, you got him.

- Where the hell are you?

- I'm on a two-lane blacktop.

Highway marker number   .

How's our time doin'?

Oh, how are we doin' on time?

About    minutes ahead of schedule.

- What's your   ?

- I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey.

Not for long.

- (SHERIFF) Breaker to the Bandit

- Come on back, breaker.

Bandit, I've got a smokey report

for you. Come on.

- Well, talk to me, good buddy.

- You've got trouble comin'.

Well, what's your handle, son,

and, uh, what's your   ?

My handle's Smokey Bear,

and I'm tail-grabbin'your ass right now.

Goddamn. That's a Texas mountie.

What the hell's he doin' in Arkansas?

Well, let's just see what

he's got under the hood.

Bye-bye, babyl

You smoke much?

I just started.

- Cledus, you got your ears on, son?

- Oh, bring it on, you lucky devil.

- Comin' around you.

- Be careful.

You're gonna have to make your own lane,

'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic

Be careful. Be careful.

Oh, my... Oh, my Godl

I'm about to be killed in this...

in this moving CB radio show,

and I... I don't even have a handlel

You want a handle?

OK, I'll think one up for ya. Let's see.

- Oh, I got one for yal

- What?

Just give me a minute here.

He done good, didn't he, Fred?

What?

Frog.

- Why?

- 'Cause you're always hoppin' around.

And you're kinda cute like a frog,

and... I'd like to jump ya.

Nobody...

Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice

look like a possum's pecker.

- Except for that...

- Shut your ass.

(HORNS BLARE)

- Break for that Bandit One.

- Yeah, Snowman, come on back.

That was a Texas bubblegum machine

on your back door.

- A Texas bubblegum machine?

- Yeah, I saw him.

You ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy

sombitch tried to drive up under my truck.

What's a Texas county mountie

doing in Arkansas?

- I don't know.

- I don't know.

I don't knowl

- Well, who the hell knows?

- I really don't know.

What we're dealin' with here is

a complete lack of respect for the law.

(JUSTICE ON RADIO)

This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

I'm in pursuit of a black TransAm.

He's all mine, so stay outta the way.

This is Sheriff George Branford

of Deeson County, Arkansas.

We are apprised of the situation

and are taking appropriate measures.

Did you say you are a sheriff?

That's a big   - I

This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice

of Texasl

Texas? You know, of course,

that you're out of yourjurisdiction.

I suggest that you let my department

handle the situation.

That's very comfortin',

but I'm in a high-speed pursuit.

- Don't you hear good?

- I hear perfectly.

The fact that you are a sheriff

is not germane to the situation.

The goddamn Germans

got nothin' to do with itl

- What?

- Shut upl One shit at a timel

- What do ya see?

- We lost him.

This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice again.

I lost that TransAm.

Set up a roadblock.

- Good ideal

- What the hell you know?

I believe we have the situation

well under control, Sheriff.

Breaker, breaker, lookin'for the Bandit

- You out there, son?

- You got the Bandit. Come on back.

My handle's Silver-Tongued Devil. Your fellow

CBers are mighty proud of ya out there.

Thank ya, son. I appreciate it.

Tell me, you comin' up

on Fayetteville and Interstate   ?

- We're almost on top of it.

- I got a big bad bear story for you there.

I just rolled past

a county mountie roadblock.

- You ARE a silver-tongued devil.

- That's a big   -  good buddy.

Well, you keep your wheels spinnin'

and the beavers grinnin', then. I'm out.

Why, thank you, Officer.

- Classy guy.

- Classy guy.

Did you see that? They went

right through our roadblock.

You sombitches couldn't

close an umbrella.

You know somethin', Sheriff? If J.W.

don't get out of my way, I'll pass him.

Where? In the woods?

I don't care if your daddy is the mayor.

You wreck this car, it'll come outta your pay.

- Yeah, but he's gettin' away.

- Son, he's not goin' anywhere.

The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled

for the past six months.

(BANDIT)That's not good.

It would be better with a whole bridge.

(BANDIT) And that's worse.

- Why don't you drop me off? I'll catch a cab.

- Too late now.

We did itl We did itl

See? I didn't wreck it, Sheriff.

We jumped over that bridgel

- Did you see what we did?

- Yes, I did.

I wanna jump something elsel I wanna

jump a housel I wanna jump somethingl

Well, jump me.

- Honest to God, it wasn't my faultl I stoppedl

- Yeah, right.

Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Branford?

I am Sheriff Branford.

Oh, hey...

For some reason or another,

you sounded a little taller on radio.

What the hell is

the world comin' to?

(MAN ON CB) Sounds good to me,

Tower of Power. Listen, buddy...

- What channel we on?

- What?

- What channel are we on?

-   .

Snowman, are you out there?

I'm doin' what I'm supposed to be doin'.

What are y'all doing, he'n' and she'n'?

- Come back.

- Oh, we were playin' a little bridge.

- How we been doin'?

- We're losin' minutes, son.

If you don't get up here and run me some

interference, we ain't never gonna make it.

I'll drop the dolly off at a choke-and-puke,

and then I'll get right back on the job.

All right.

  -  on that choke-and-puke.

- Oh, by the way, Bandit...

- Yeah, guy?

How 'bout bringin' me a hamburger for Fred?

I'm beginnin' to worry about him.

- He's lookin' a little thin in the skin.

- You got 'em.

- Choke-and-puke.

- Choke-and-puke.

- That's where I'll get off?

- Right.

You oughta give up smokin'.

That's bad for your health.

But I enjoy it so much.

I guess you can get

your ticket over there.

- You got enough money?

- Yeah.

I have enough to get to Jersey,

walk the rest of the way.

- Hey, thanks.

- Oh, it was nothing.

- I'll see you around.

- Yeah.

Frog?

You gonna be all right?

Yeah... I'm always all right.

Can I have a couple of cheeseburgers

to go and a glass of iced tea?

How much I owe ya, ma'am?

- A dollar and a half.

- Keep the change.

(JUSTICE) Just keep your eye out

for that Mr Bandit bastardl

Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr Pepper.

Make it fast. I'm in a goddamn hurry.

- You want somethin'?

- A hush puppy, Daddy.

We got no time for that crapl

Dumb sombitchl

- Diablo and Doc

- Thank you, nice lady.

- You must be in a hell of a hurry, Sheriff?

- You bet your ass on that boy.

Oh, you got a little mess there.

Let me help you get that off there...

- Yeah, yeah. Much obliged.

- Yeah.

Who ya chasin'?

Somebody chasin' you?

Nobody chasin' me, boy.

I been chasin' a goddamn maniac

all the way from Texarkana, Texas.

Really?

What is he, a bank robber?

Bank robber?

Bank robbin' is baby shit

alongside of what this dude is doin'.

Almost killed    law officers.

Drivin' through people's backyards,

knockin' down mailboxes.

He's got a broad in the car,

took her across the state line.

That's the Mann Act.

I don't think he's got her permission,

and that's kidnapping.

- How's that for high jinks?

- Yeah.

(BURPS)

- What I owe?

- Oh, let me pay for it.

- You're an officer of the law. I'd be honoured.

- Much obliged.

- Where's the can? I gotta take a squirt.

- Right back there. Just used it.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Heyl Heyl

What are you doin' in my car?

- You're goin' the wrong wayl

- Oh.

- Hang onl

- What the hell are ya doin'?

- Sheriff Justice is in therel

- I knowl I knowl

- Thank you, nice lady.

- Sure thing.

Yoo-hool Sheriffl

Oh, boy.

Nice ass.

I didn't want to be dumped

at any old truck stop.

- I wanted to stay with you.

- Well, why didn't you ask?

You might've said no, and I have

a hard time handling rejections.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(GARAGE BELL RINGS)

(GARAGE BELL RINGS)

We're gainin' on 'em.

I think it'd be a good idea

if we changed places, don't you?

You be a passenger for a while now.

Up, up... I'lljust slide right...

- Oh, you got my hair.

- Sorry. I'll slide right under.

- Ooh, I don't know. Wait. Wait. Waitl

- I got it. I got itl

- Wait a minutel

- Wait a minutel

Hold itl I'm stuck here.

This is not workin'.

- I got my foot on the...

- Goddamn itl I seen it in the moviesl

Oh, my Godl

(JUSTICE) Duck, or you're gonna

be talkin' outta your assl

- Daddy, the top came off.

- No shit (?)

Snowmanl How are your vocal cords?

Well, my vocal cords are fine.

I'm a little worried about Fred now.

He's been gnawing everything, barkin' and

screamin'. He's turned into a stalk of bananas.

- What's your   ?

- About    miles this side of Mississippi.

Whoa, hold it. I just passed

another Kojak with a Kodak.

This place is crawlin' with bears.

Where the hell are you? Come back.

I'm still tryin' to get rid of that Texas County

mountie. I don't know what the hell he wants.

You know what he wants. How would you like

to be the dude that handcuffs a legend?

Give me five minutes, we'll put some moves

on that mother. I'll meet ya at Old Miss.

You'd better hurry, or we can just kiss

that money goodbye. Understand?

I read you loud and clear.   - .

You got the one Snowman.

I'm eastbound and down.

We gone, killer.

That's the way I wanna go out.

Hey, man, watch itl

(HORN BLARES)

- What the hell was that?

- A left, or half a 'u'.

Well, please don't do it anymore.

Hey, you know who that was?

Check this out.

Bandit, this here's the Grave Robber.

Put the pedal to the metal, and we'll hold

this county mountie as long as we can.

- Well, go, girl, gol

- I'm goin'I I'm goin'I

I've got the metal to the pedal,

and the thing to the floor...

Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?

If they had cremated the son of a bitch,

I could've been kickin' that Mr Bandit's

ass around the moon by now.

Hold my hatl

- My hat blew off, Daddy.

- I hope your goddamn head was in it.

- OK. We're gonna switch.

- OK.

I'm comin' over underneath you.

You just slide right on over.

I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.

Close. Colourful, but close.

I like this seat better anyway.

Yes, have a smoke. It seems to help.

Come on, defencel

Come on, Billy Ray, get toughl

You know, I wanted to be

a high-fashion model once.

But, hell, how long can you

model clothes for  -year-olds? Boys.

Besides that my cheeks were too fat.

These cheeks, these.

Aarghhhl

- Oh, my goodness, we're airborne here.

- Jesus Christl

- Oh, look, a football gamel

- There's kidsl For Christ's sake, watch outl

- Don't hit the kidsl

- Get your hands off my wheel!

Lean to the left, lean to the right...

Stand up there and see if you can see

where the hell they went.

- Can you see anything?

- It's a football game. Can we watch, Daddy?

- You stay and watch. I'm goin' backl

- But, Daddy...

Bandit, you're reckless

and you live much too hard

Oughta be in Nashville.

(BANDIT) Snowma n, are ya out there, son?

What's your   ? Where are you?

I'm at mile marker   . Come back.

Son-of-a-gun! So am I!

Well, damned if ya ain't.

Damned if ya ain't.

Cledus... This is Frog.

Hello, Frog. I want you

to meet Fred, Frog.

- This is for Fred.

- Frog, feed Fred.

What's wrong with you? You were gonna

dump the chick at the truck stop.

- I ran into complications.

- You always run into complications.

Always the same, some chick.

We ain't doin' good time.

- What are we yappin' for?

- It's the chick.

- Switch down to the next channel, right?

- Yeah.

(WHISPERING)

Hey, Bandit? Nice ass.

- Thanks a lot.

- Thanks a lot.

All right Fred. Come on.

Let's go, boy. Come on.

Fred, I'm tired of pickin' you up... Fredl

- Did Cledus call you a legend?

- Uh-huh.

- Why?

- Well, I used to do some crazy things.

- I used to.

- Oh.

So did I.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One, two... I'm a gypsy... four.

That's someone who goes from chorus line

to chorus line... six, seven, eight.

- You know, I was on Broadway once.

- Really?

- For almost    minutes.

- Oh.