Beyond Gratitude

There has been a lot of focus in psychology in recent years on the issue of gratitude. For example, numerous studies have shown that writing once a day for 30 days in a gratitude journal can increase happiness, decrease stress, and result in more prosocial behavior.

That said, there has been a tendency in the United States and other western based cultures to focus solely on gratitude as it relates to what others have done for us. There is almost no emphasis on what we can do for others. This oversight makes sense in a culture that is hyper-focused on individualism. At the same time, it doesn’t excuse it.

Fortunately, there is another approach, called Naikan Therapy. Developed in 1941, by a Japanese businessman, named Ishin Yoshimoto, Naikan evolved from the Shin Buddhist spiritual practice, known as mishirabe.

Naikan is a simple practice that is based on three questions:

1. What have I received from someone?

2. What have I done for someone?

3. What troubles or difficulties have I caused someone?

In Japan, the questions are frequently family-focused, often starting with the mother. It is designed to help clients heal feelings of hurt that may be affecting their lives currently and to acknowledge the ways that they may have hurt others so that they can begin repairs.

Naikan can also be used more generally. For example, clients might think about the people who made their sheets they slept in or the roads they drove on to get to work. They might think about the report they gave their boss or the dinner they made or bought for their family. They might remember the difficult conversation they had with a colleague or the argument they had with their spouse. Naikan does not have to be limited to one individual. Clients can use it to think about everyone in their lives.

Of course, Naikan was developed by a collectivist culture, and there is a question that is implied in the practice that does not necessarily occur to those of us who are more western-minded. The question is: “How can I make amends for the troubles I have caused someone?” This question does two things. First, it helps overcome that “okay sure, bum me out” feeling that we might have when we think about all of the ways we have hurt other people in our lives. Second, it helps us start to think about how we can show gratitude to those whom we have hurt and avoid hurting them in the future.

If you are feeling like you are struggling right now in your life, Naikan might be a good way to overcome some of those struggles. It can help you see who is part of your life and who is there helping you. It can help you see how you are contributing to others in a meaningful way. Finally, it can help you see how your own behavior might be hurting the people closest to you so that you can start making amends.