boundaries in dating

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Zedd, Olivia Culpo Got Very Flirty During the First Weekend at Coachella.

Zedd & Olivia Culpo New Couple Alert. Flirty Coachella Weekend.

4/17/2019 12:30 AM PT.

Zedd and Olivia Culpo are THIS close to setting off the "New Couple Alert" . 'cause they sure looked like a couple of crazy kids very much into each other after getting all cozy at Coachella.

We're told the famous Russian-German DJ and the former Miss Universe were cuddling in the artist area during Ariana Grande 's set at Coachella. Check out the vid . it appears Zedd had his arms around Olivia as Grande performed "God is a woman."

Witnesses tell us they were together for the whole set. His arms were around her as they swayed together. She would lean her head back on his chest . the universal code for "I'm into you."

And, get this . Zedd had a performance scheduled a few hours before Ariana's. When he went onstage . guess who was backstage? Yup . Olivia and her hot friends. But, here's what else is interesting . this fling seems to come just days after Olivia was spotted with another star . NHL's Aaron Varos .

Olivia and the New York Rangers star were on a double date just last week at Soho Hollywood. They were hanging with her best friend Cara Santana and Jesse Metcalfe . So, ya gotta wonder . was Olivia's date with Varos a one-off and is Zedd more her jam.

Whatever the case . one thing that seems certain -- Danny Amendola 's in her rear-view mirror.

Boundaries In Dating: Tips To Make Dating Work.

Boundaries in dating are there for a reason, they are there to protect you. Listen to your instincts, if you are about to cross a boundary line whilst dating, your instincts should be screaming no! Boundaries during dating are a very individual thing, what one person sees as a definite boundary line another one won't.

Boundaries are concerns that you have, about what you will or will not put up with. If you are goingto put up with a lot, you might run the risk of being walked all over by your man. On the other hand if you won't put up with a lot, you will be setting much stronger boundary lines. Find out where your concerns lie when it comes to setting your own boundaries during dating.​

Ask yourself upon reading each of the concerns my friends and I have compiled for you, whether you would or would not be able to put up with any of the dating situations listed. Your answers will reveal to you, your very own personal dating boundaries to set.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Jealousy​

​Boundaries in dating concerning jealousy are very Important. How do you feel when he goes out, are you thinking about what other women he might meet, or are you thinking about him enjoying himself. If it is thinking about him meeting women, you are on a road leading to jealousy and your thoughts are going to turn poisonous. You might cross a boundary where he will resent you for not letting him go out with his friends. If it is thinking about him enjoying himself, you are on a road fullof trust. You trust him when he goes out and he appreciates this. The dating boundaries you have created are much more open. Jealousy can be destructive, it is not a nice personality trait to have. Jealousy can cause a lot of heartache.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Being Pushed Into Something You Do Not Want​

Boundaries in dating concerning being pushed into something you do not want to do, need to be thought about very carefully. He might ask you to do a bungee jump with him, you might feel frightened and scared and you do not want to do it. Be strong and do not cross your boundary line if fit is not right for you. If your man thinks anything of you, he will respect your decision. Once you have said a definite no, he should not pressure you. You have set a boundary line that is right for you. I know some people would not think twice about doing a bungee jump, they are not you, their boundaries are different to yours. You are an individual and you are entitled to say no. There will be times when you might feel doubt about doing something he has suggested. Tell him how you feel so that he can either reassure you, or cancel the event altogether.​

Boundaries In Dating Regarding Aggressive Behavior​

​Boundaries in dating regarding aggressive behavior need to be set very early on. My friend Liz has advice for you. She found herself to be in a relationship with a quick tempered man, he was a lovely man when he was happy, but quite often his short fuse would get the better of him. She told him he made her nervous when he was angry and he apologized. The problem was that he couldn't change. She ended up leaving him because he kept crossing the boundary line she had set him. He told her he would change but he just couldn't control his anger. It wasn't her he was particularly angry with, it was everyday things in general. His anger might not have affected another woman like it did her, but she did not like it. She was right to leave him. He would have only made her unhappy. If you want to have a loving relationship with your man, he will have to understand that aggressive behavior will not be tolerated.

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Fear Of Reprisal.

Boundaries in dating concerning fear of reprisal should be acted upon immediately. You should not be afraid that your actions are going to be frowned at. You should not be worried that you have to do the things that are expected of you instead of the things you want to do. Set your boundaries straight away because you need your man to know that you have a mind of your own, you have hobbies of your own and you want to have a loving caring relationship without fear of reprisal . If your man crosses the boundary line and has a go at you for doing something he knows you like, then you need to tell him he is out of order. If he cannot let you live your life the way it suits you, he will be taking a piece of your personality away from you. This relationship will be an unhappy one. You should never have to be worried about your words or actions.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Being Talked Down To.

Boundaries in dating concerning being talked down to will give you respect for yourself. If your man says something derogatory to you and you do not like it, you have to tell him. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you do not want him making comments about you that are demeaning. If he cares about you, he will listen and he will not want to cross the boundary line you have set. Your man might have got away with saying things like that with another girlfriend, but you are different and you have different moral standards. Stick to your standards and enjoy a happy relationship in the future. Your man will know that by showing you respect, he will earn your respect back. Your relationship will benefit from your understanding of each other.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Conflict​

Boundaries in dating concerning conflict can offer you both a limit to your disagreements. There is no way you can possibly agree on every little thing that life throws up. What you can agree on is compromise, learn how to give each other room to talk, you will find out a lot about each other through your differing views. Conflicting opinions can be a good thing, you can reach informed decisions together. Because of the boundaries you have set concerning conflict, you will never have to worry about having major arguments because you will always have compromise on your side. You will enjoy a peaceful relationship together, and live a lovely peaceful life.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Missed Opportunities.

Boundaries in dating concerning missed opportunities can hurt quite badly. My friend Diane's advice for you is to follow your hearts. Do not hold your man back if he has a dream. Do not let him miss the opportunity to prove himself. Help him to achieve his dream. Do not put boundaries in his way. Your encouragement will give him the confidence he needs to fulfill his ambitions. His success will be your success. You will bring each other on. You will share the dream together. Diane and her man now run a business together, they listened to each other when they were dating and they succeeded where others might have failed. Let your man help you with your ambitions too. He will love the fact that you trust him to help you live your dreams.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Reassurance​

Boundaries in dating concerning reassurance can make your relationship so much more loving. Never hold back about reassuring each other. Reassuring each other will give you peace of mind. If you are not receiving reassurance you will feel vulnerable. Let your man know when you are feeling vulnerable so that he can put things right. If he does not put things right, you will know he does not care for you as you much as you want him to. He will have crossed a boundary from which you will find it hard to recover. You need to feel cherished by your man and if you are not you will resent him. Resentment can fester and will spoil what you have got.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Inexperience​

​Boundaries in dating concerning in experience are a way to get to know each other intimately. My friend Gemma's met Kyle when she was just nineteen. She was not a virgin, but she was in experienced. She felt shy in Kyles company and she needed to set a boundary line. She did not want to sleep with him until she was ready. Luckily for Gemma, Kyle felt the same way. He had fallen in love with her and wanted their first lovemaking experience to be a tender one. Neither of them crossed the boundary line until they were ready. Kyle respected Gemma's feelings and he was tender and loving towards her. The boundary lines she had set were right for her. Your boundary line might be different, but however you choose to set your boundary line, make sure it is right for you. Being inexperienced is a chance for you both to learn new things about each other.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Monogamy​

Boundaries in dating concerning monogamy are the most important for future happiness. I am pretty certain that when you are in a strong relationship you will want your partner to be monogamous. You will both probably say at the start of your relationship that you do not want the other to have an affair. The world is full of temptations and by setting these boundaries for one another you are testing each other's trust to the maximum. If there is one boundary in dating that is not to be crossed, it is definitely this one. If you can overcome the temptations that come your way you will enjoy a long and happy lifetime together. You would never forgive yourself if you had a weak moment with another man. The guilt would be incredibly hard to live with.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Low Self Esteem.

Boundaries in dating concerning low self-esteem are there to help you. My friend Lisa says that when she was dating Paul, he did not make her feel safe. She felt unsure in his company and was uncomfortable in his presence. Her self-esteem hit rock bottom and she struggled to get out of the depression she was falling into. Then she met Lee, Lee was different, she knew that he was concerned about her well being. She set herself a boundary that she knew she would not let him cross. She wanted to feel safe, if he could make her feel safe and secure with him, she was sure herself-esteem would return. I am pleased to tell you that Lisa got it right. She is happy now. You need to be happy too, set your boundaries and stick to them. You deserve the happiness that comes your way, it is important for both of you. When you can have a relationship that puts a smile on your face, you will know that you have got a very special relationship going for you.

​Boundaries in Dating Concerning Responsibility.

Boundaries in dating concerning responsibility can be shared. You need to speak to each other whilst you are dating, you need to know where your strengths lie. One of you will be more responsible a tone thing and the other will have strengths in another area completely. You will enjoy discovering things about each other that you never knew before. The world is your oyster and you are going to give this relationship your best shot. You will know that your relationship is special. You will know that you need to act responsibly. You will want to protect the relationship that has come your way, you are responsible, and your boyfriend is responsible. You both want your relationship to work. The two of you are going places because you have set boundaries regarding your own responsibilities. Your relationship will be all the better for having responsible attitudes.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Confidence.

Boundaries in dating concerning confidence are not just about you, they are about him too. We girls make a mistake when we think that our men are more confident than us. Our men are feeling as nervous as us on the date. Give him a chance and show him that you are interested in him. Let yourself cross the boundaries of who should make the first move. Give him the confidence to talk about himself, I think you will be very happily surprised when your man opens up to you. You have given him the confidence he requires to start talking. He will love thefact that you have given himthe chance to tell you things about himself. Your relationship will be a fun one because you can share so many stories together. You can learn about each other's experiences.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Stress.

Boundaries in dating concerning stress are many. You are stressed with your job, he is stressed about his job. My friend Patricia knows what this feels like, she is a very independent woman. She knows she has a job to do, but she also knows that stress is real. She says the last thing she wants is her man telling her to put her job on the back burner and come out with him instead. She has to tell her man that she cannot possibly cross the boundary line she has set herself, otherwise her career would go downhill. He wants her attention all the time, but she knows that she has deadlines to meet. Patricia is right, she has to complete her tasks. Her man is very important to her, and she loves him. But always on the horizon is her job. Without her job, she would have nothing. Her man eventually learned that he could not possibly cross the boundary line she had set, because Patricia would not be able to complete her job. Your relationship will also benefit if you do not put each other in stressful situations. Being stressed is so not worth it.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Blame.

Boundaries in dating concerning blame can be hard to deal with. You both decided to stay out late, dancing in the club that you ended up in. You both had lots to do the next day but neither of you said the words let's go home. You both blame each other, why did you stay out dancing when you should have come home and slept. These things happen and you should not blame each other. You are only human and you should forgive yourselves for your actions. Your relationship can be wonderful if it is free of blame.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Bullying.

Boundaries in dating which concern bullying needs to be absolutely setin stone. You do not deserve to be bullied. You are a nice person and you deserve to live your life in peace. At the first sign of bullying you need to let your man know that he is out of order. Tell him he has crossed the boundary line and you will not tolerate it. If you do not set the boundary line immediately, you will be in for a life of hell. Your relationship will not be a happy one. Remember the saying once a bully, always a bully. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can change him. You cannot.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Values.

Boundaries in dating concerning values are very real and should be held dear to your heart. Your set of values are very dear to you, they are what keep your feet on the ground. My friend Lily has advice for you. She says that when she was dating Ken, he did not respect her values. She struggled with his negative vibes and found herself hating him. How could he be so adverse to her way of living. Ken had crossed her boundary line. He gave no thought to her set of values and her values meant nothing to him. Lily realized that Ken was not the man for her. She did the right thing when she told him to get lost. She is now well rid of him. Take Lily's advice, stay true to yourself. You did not get where you are today by not following your own set of values.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Manipulation.

Boundaries in dating concerning manipulation need you to be strong. If you have met a man who is head strong and wants everything his own way, you will be in for a bumpy ride. You can overcome this situation if you set boundary lines that he cannot cross. For instance, if he does not like you going to see your friends, he will use manipulation to stop you going. He will say things like I wish you were not going to see you friends today because I had something nice planned for us to do. Or he might say don't go to see your friends today, I will miss you. He will use manipulation to try to get you to cancel your plans and do things his way. He has crossed the boundary line, stay strong and do what you want to do. Meet your friends and enjoy their company. Your relationship can be a happy one when you let your man know that you will not tolerate his manipulative behavior.

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Self Belief.

Boundaries in dating concerning self-belief can keep you strong. You believe in yourself because you know you are a good person. You have been brought up in a loving home. You were clever in school. You treat people with respect and you look after yourself. Never let go of all of your kind assets. Your man should recognize how lovely you are as well. When he met you he would have been blown away by your kindness, he would have fallen for your caring nature. Now that you are in a relationship there are two of you to consider. You will need to adapt to this situation. Your self-belief might be questioned. Your self-belief might be an issue to your new partner. You need to stay strong, you need to keep your self-belief. The most important person in this new relationship is you. Your man fell for you because he liked what he saw and he liked the person that you are. Do not change, stay true to yourself and live your life the way you have always done, stay kind. Your relationship will be a very happy one because you are not putting on an act.

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning The "L" Word.

Boundaries in dating concerning the L word are very confusing indeed. The biggest question is when do I tell him I love him. Or you might be wondering why he hasn't said it to you yet. My friend Lynn has advice for you. She met her man in the local social club. Lynn felt love at first sight. She was awe struck by him. He was everything she could have wanted. But she was not sure how he felt about her. She thought that if she said the love word first it might put him off. Her advice for you is to let your man know how you feel about him. You will instinctively know when the time is right. Your relationship will blossom once you know how you feel about each other.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Respect​

Boundaries in dating concerning respect should be listened to on a regular basis. When your man tells you he is thinking about changing something in his life, you should respect his decision and back​ him up thoroughly. When you talk to each other you should talk to each other with respect. If there ever is a moment that your man does not show you respect you must tell him. He will have crossed the boundary line. You deserve respect in your life. You must tell him that he is not to speak to you in a derogatory manner again. Your relationship will be so much better when you set boundaries. You will be able to move forward as a couple because you will both have a greater understanding of what makes the relationship work for you.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Friends​

Group of female shopping friends talking at the mall.

Boundaries in dating concerning friends are many. You both have sets of friends and you both will want to spend time with them. This situation can get tricky when it comes to how often you see them. My friend Clare has advice for you. When her children were young she always had a house full of friends and their babies. Her man eventually told her it was too much. He would come home from work and sit upstairs because it was noisy downstairs. Clare listened to him and put him first, which was the right thing to do. Clare had crossed a boundary line but she was able to put things right in the end. Clare's relationship is thriving now. She still sees her friends, but not as often and not always at her house.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Family.

Boundaries in dating concerning family can be very complex. One false word from you or your man regarding your families can set you off down a very slippery slope indeed. You must try to get to know his family. Hopefully they will be lovely and you will all get along famously. One boundary line you must not cross is to criticize them. Your man will not like having to defend his family from critical remarks. He is who he is today because of them and the way they brought him up. If his family are rude to you in any way you should tell your man immediately. They will definitely have crossed the boundary line. Your man should stick up for you if this happens to you. Your relationship can only be a happy one when you offer each other support in difficult and controversial situations.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Equality​

Boundaries in dating concerning equality are everywhere in our everyday lives. When it comes to equality it should be easy to respect the strengths and weaknesses you have got. You should feel equal to your man. He should not talk down to you like you are a second class citizen. If this ever happens you must tell him he has crossed the boundary. My friend Louise has advice for you. She say's you should treat your man the way you would like to be treated yourself. She says that although her man is physically stronger than her, her strengths lie in organisation. Between them they get through tasks equally. When you have an equal relationship you will both be able to relax, safe in the knowledge that you are moving forward through life with a greater sense of calm. There will be none of the bickering that goes hand in hand with inequality.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Individuality.

Boundaries in dating concerning individuality must be dealt with. You are an individual, you want to remain true to yourself. You like your mans personality and you do not want to change anything about him. If he were to tell you how to act, or tell you what to say, you would not like it and he will have crossed the boundary line. You need to remind him that he fell for you because of your personality. You should not change who you are because of him. If you start to listen to him when he tells you how to act, you will lose your strength of character. Your confidence will be dented and you might find it hard to get your personality back. Nip this in the bud immediately, tell him how hurtful you find it when he is not letting you act the way that feels natural to you. Your relationship will be more balanced when you understand each other's individuality.

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Dignity.

Young Hispanic man being a gentleman and opening the car door for her date.

Boundaries in dating concerning dignity should be there for your well being. If you are out and about with your man he should treat you with dignity. You should enjoy his company, it might sound a bit old fashioned but I think it is really lovely when a man holds the door open for you. I think when you are on a date you should act in a dignified way. I know I would feel very uncomfortable if there was swearing around me. I like it when my man shows me dignity. It shows that he cares about me. If you ever find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you should let your man know. Allow him to take action to put things right. Your relationship is precious for you and your man. You realize what things make you happiest and what things upset you.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Careers​

​Boundaries in dating concerning careers can mean a lot to you. Some men think women should be chained to the kitchen sink. They have old fashioned views. If you have a career that you love, you will want to carry on working. You will want to carry on being independent. You will want to have your own money. Your man will be crossing the boundary if he starts putting pressure on you to become the stay at home house wife that he might want you to be. Stick to your guns, do not give up your career. You do not want to be dependent on him for your every need. Your relationship will be much better for you when your man accepts that you really enjoy your career and want to carry on working.

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Money.

Boundaries in dating concerning money are very important. There are some men who like to pay for everything on a date, and there are some men who would rather share the cost. Whichever category your man falls into I am sure you would be happy with either scenario. The situation you would not be happy with is if he expects you to pay for everything. He would be totally crossing the boundary if he did this. You could never like a man who was like this with you. You would see him as mean and I know he could never change in your eyes. Money issues can cause rifts in relationships, but hopefully your relationship with your man can overcome any of the issues because you have come to an agreement over them.​

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Intimidation​

Boundaries in dating concerning intimidation will protect you in the future. When you go on a date you expect to be treated nicely. You would not be happy if your man made you feel scared. At the first instance you would know that this man is not right for you. You need to walk away immediately. Your man has crossed the boundary line that is there to protect you. There will be no going back if you suffer an experience like this. At least you will have found out sooner rather than later that your man is not right for you.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Guilt.

Boundaries in dating concerning guilt can protect you from a lot of heartache. If you can do everything you can to be honest and to live your life with good moral standards you should enjoy a​ peaceful and happy relationship with your man. Your man should also be honest. If there ever comes a time when he tells you some kind if guilty secret, he will have crossed a boundary line. The relationship will never work if you cannot be honest with each other.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Support​

Boundaries in dating concerning support will allow you to have a strong relationship. Your man should support you in your everyday life. He should support you with difficult decisions by discussing all the issues with you. You can support your man by being there for him when he needs your help. If you are left alone to make the difficult decisions you will feel that he has let you down. You can achieve a lot together when your support each other. Your relationship will go from strength to strength because you will know that you can rely on each other.​

​Boundaries In Dating Concerning Power.

Boundaries in dating concerning power should be shared. You should share everyday tasks together. You will get along much better when you share things. It will be no good if your man sees himself as the person with the power. The real power in a relationship comes from you both being able to share the decisions that you will find yourselves having to make. If your man becomes bossy with you and tries to tell you what to do, he will be crossing the boundary. You will see him for what he is and you will want to consider leaving him. You do not want to be in a one sided relationship.

Boundaries In Dating Concerning Sex​

Boundaries in dating concerning sex will naturally occur the closer you become as a couple. You will learn what it is that you both like and you will be able to talk about sex a lot more openly. You should be able to talk about things that you like, or do not like. If there is something you do not like and you have told your man what it is, he should respect you by not doing it. If he does do what you do not like, he will have crossed the boundary. This would not be a nice relationship to be in because he does not listen to you. For a relationship to work and be grow strong, it is crucial that boundaries are set.​

These Tips Will Help You Set Boundaries in Dating.

When you start dating someone new (or even if you've been together a while), it's important to make sure you always feel comfortable in the relationship and are being true to who you are. The start of a new relationship is a good time to begin laying down some ground rules with your partner (and we don’t only mean physical boundaries, either). And what about if you’re already in a relationship? Communication is key, and you should still broach the topic and have an honest conversation—no matter how long you’ve been together for a while.

What Are Boundaries in Dating?

Boundaries in dating are a person's limits in a relationship. They allow each person to maintain their needs, space, individuality, and health.

Although we can always change our mind and some of our boundaries become more flexible when we get closer to someone, it’s key to start a relationship with clarity, says relationship psychotherapist Leslie Malchy. “A hand on the arm can be a welcome source of intimacy and comfort to one person or a privacy violation to another,” she explains. “Communicating what we need is a way of protecting ourselves in relationships and protecting others from the pain of hurting us.”

Below we’ve rounded up five healthy steps for setting boundaries in dating.

Decide How You Feel.

Take time apart from the person or people you’re dating to think about what sort of boundaries are most important to you. (How often you’ll communicate with one another and how frequently you’ll see each other are just two simple boundaries to start to get your wheels turning.) “The problem with many of us who have weak or leaky boundaries in relationships is that we become so enmeshed, so encompassed by the other person’s "stuff" that we have no idea what it is that we ourselves are feeling,” says self-love coach and writer Jennifer Twardowski. “By taking the time to break away, reflect, and really check in with yourself, you are then consciously making the distinct difference between yourself and the other person [or people].”

Find a Neutral Playing Field (or Time)

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When you’re having a serious (and private) conversation like this, it may be best to do it at one of your places, especially if the topic of physical intimacy is going to be brought up. Although a neutral place like a coffee shop would be ideal, it doesn’t necessarily make sense here. And since it’s sometimes challenging to keep the place neutral, you can try to keep the timing neutral. For example, if the talk is premeditated, have it while you aren’t already disagreeing about something else and when you’re both feeling level-headed.

Come Prepared With Nonnegotiables.

Brainstorm the boundaries that you have to set in your relationship for it to work for you. Think: What do you need without a doubt to keep you comfortable and confident while dating this person or these people? Are there things that physically you will never feel okay with? Is there a certain number of times per week you want to touch base with the person or persons you’re dating? These nonnegotiables can run the gamut, but identifying them early on will help you learn whether the two or more of you are compatible in the first place. Here’s the truth: If a potential partner isn’t okay with respecting your nonnegotiables, then it’s time to walk.

Listen, Listen, Listen.

After you’re done discussing your needs, it’s time to listen. There are two or more people in every dating scenario, and each deserves to be heard. If you don’t understand what you’re hearing, it’s time to ask some questions. Chances are that it’s not going to go over well in a few weeks (or months) if you said a boundary of your partner’s or partners’ was okay but you never understood it in the first place.

Be Good To Yourself.

Realize that by trying to set boundaries in dating, you’re protecting yourself, and that’s a good thing. If your discussion brings up any backlash or feelings of guilt, then you need to take care of yourself, says Twardowski. Leave and go outside or practice yoga if that’s more your style. “Do something to help yourself get re-centered, and don’t spend too much (or any) energy focusing on what happened,” she says. Speaking up for yourself should never make you feel bad, and if another person makes you feel this way, they don’t deserve to be dating you.

How to Set Boundaries when Dating.

Last Updated: July 27, 2020 References.

This article was co-authored by Stefanie Safran. Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 45,635 times.

Setting boundaries in dating and relationships might seem difficult, but it is very possible. Setting boundaries is also important if you want to retain your sense of value while being in relationships. Often times, people get so wrapped up in accommodating others that their sense of self and their own boundaries may become a little loose. With that, they lose themselves and lower their self esteem in the process. If the boundaries you set are too rigid, you risk isolating yourself from the person you are involved with completely. It is important to strike a balance with the boundaries you set in dating to maintain healthy, functioning relationships.

Mark Manson.

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The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries.

Clearly defining your values is as close to a cure for relationship problems as I've ever come across.

PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries is not a cure-all for your relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they’re more of a side effect of having a healthy self-esteem and generally low levels of neediness with people around you.

Boundaries in relationships work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They are something you can start working on today with the people close to you and you’ll begin to notice a difference in your self-esteem, confidence, emotional stability, and so on.

And yes, believe it or not, boundaries are also hot.

Issues with Boundaries in Relationships.

First, let’s do the obligatory bullet point list every blog must do for these types of posts. Let’s do the “You Might Have A Boundary Issue If…” list so you know where you stand:

Do you ever feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain? Do you ever feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time? Do you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly? Do you find yourself faaaaar more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them? In your relationships, does it feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between? Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months? Do you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it? Do you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?

If you answered “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have a major boundary problem in your relationships but you also probably have some other personal problems going on in your life.

What are Personal Boundaries?

I’ll start with the practical and work my way to the theoretical. Instead of defining what boundaries actually are (because I don’t want you to fall asleep on me just yet), let’s talk about what they look like first.

Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.

People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions.

Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together.

Some examples of poor boundaries:

“You can’t go out with your friends without me. You know how jealous I get. You have to stay home with me.” “Sorry guys, I can’t go out with you tonight, my girlfriend gets really angry when I go out without her.” “My co-workers are idiots and I’m always late to meetings because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.” “I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would never forgive me for moving so far away.” “I can date you, but can you not tell my friend Cindy? She gets really jealous when I have a boyfriend and she doesn’t.”

In each scenario, the person is either taking responsibility for actions/emotions that are not theirs or they are demanding that someone else take responsibility for their actions/emotions.

For those of you who have read it, you’ll notice that taking responsibility for your own actions and not blaming others are two of the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self Esteem . People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.

Another way to think about it is when you have these murky areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions — areas where it’s unclear who is responsible for what, who’s at fault, why you’re doing what you’re doing — you never develop a solid identity for yourself.

For instance, if you’re really into Judo, but you’re always blaming your teacher for your lack of progress and feel guilty about going to classes because your wife gets lonely when you’re not around, then you’re not owning that aspect of your identity. Judo is now something you do and not something you are. It becomes inauthentic, another tool in the game of getting social approval, rather than to satisfy your own desire to express yourself. This is neediness. And the dependence on external approval will drive your self-esteem lower and make your behavior less attractive.

Poor Boundaries And Intimate Relationships.

I believe boundary issues are the most difficult to deal with at the family level. You can always dump that ass-hat of a boyfriend/girlfriend, a divorce is always but a phone call or twelve away, but you can never dump your parents.

If you have boundary issues in your family, then it’s very likely you have them in your romantic relationships as well. And your relationships are the best place to begin fixing them.

Chances are at some point you’ve been in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster: when things were good, they were great ; when things were bad, they were a disaster; and there was an almost-predictable oscillation between the two — two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell, followed by a month of bliss, followed by a horrible breakup and then a dramatic reunion. It’s a hallmark of a codependent relationship and usually represents two people incapable of strong personal boundaries.

My first serious relationship was like this. At the time, it felt very passionate, and like it was us against the world. In hindsight, it was incredibly unhealthy and I’m much happier not being in it.

People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.

(Ironically, it’s the lack of identity and boundaries that makes them unattractive to most people.)

People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they put the responsibility on those around them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them.

People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.

Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another. Their pathologies match one another perfectly. And often, they’ve grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits. So their model for a “happy” relationship is one based on neediness and poor boundaries.

Ironically, they both fail completely in meeting the other’s needs. In fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self-esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs met. The victim creates more and more problems to solve and the saver solves and solves, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed are never actually transmitted to one another.

In Models , when I talk about authenticity, I explain how in relationships, whenever something is given with an ulterior motive, with the expectation of something in return, when something is not given as a “gift”, then it loses its value. If it’s self-serving then it’s empty and worthless.

This is what happens in these codependent relationships. The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.

If the saver really wanted to save the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, deal with it yourself.” That would be actually loving the victim.

The victim, if they really loved the saver, would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be actually loving the saver.

But that’s not exactly what usually happens…

A Lack of Boundaries Leads to a Vicious Cycle.

Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another. It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another, and when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “chemistry.” They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose emotional boundaries of the needy person.

From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often push away secure-attachment types.

For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life rather than others. They’ve spent their whole existence believing they must blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love, so letting that go is terrifying.

For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to force them to be happy and satisfied. For them, they’ve spent their whole lives only feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem or providing a use to someone, so letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well.

Both start the process of building self-esteem. Both begin to eliminate needy behavior and make one more attractive.

(Side note: I state in my book that needy behavior makes you unattractive to most people by limiting you to people of a similar level of neediness; i.e., the adage that you are everyone you end up dating. If you end up only attracting low self-esteem slobs, then you are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself. If you only attract high maintenance drama queens, then you are likely a high maintenance drama queen yourself. Oh, you queen, you.)

Examples of Personal Boundaries.

Since this is a topic that many, many people are always asking, “Yeah, that’s nice, but what does it look like?” I’ll ride this out with a few examples. Personal boundaries, while particularly crucial in intimate relationships, also highly influence our friendships, family relationships, and even professional relationships. So I’ll include a variety of examples below.

“Jon, we’ve been working together for five years. I can’t believe you’d fuck me over like that in front of our boss.”

“But you got the datasheet incorrect. It was important that the correct numbers were submitted.”

“Yeah, but you’re supposed to back me up. You made me look like an asshole. You don’t have to disagree with me in front of everybody like that.”

“Look, I like you. You’re my friend. But I’m not going to do your job for you. And that’s that. End of discussion.”

“I am doing my job!”

“Good, then it shouldn’t matter what I say then.”

Some friends are maybe a little bit too close. This situation comes up in various forms in everybody’s life: long-time friend screws up, but instead of taking personal responsibility, expects you to shoulder some of the responsibility with them because “that’s what friends do.”

Accepting this leads to codependent and unhealthy friendships. Yes, even friendships can be needy and unattractive. Ever meet two friends who are constantly complaining about one another or saying things behind each other’s backs, but when they’re together everything seems great? Chances are they have some serious boundary issues like the one above. Friendships like this are never-ending drama factories. Steer clear.

“I get so sad when you and your sister don’t come to see me. I get very lonely, you know.”

“Why don’t you go out more, mom? Make some friends.”

“Oh, I’ve tried. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my children. You’re supposed to take care of me.”

“No, you don’t. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how hard it can be sometimes.”

“Mom, I love you and will always be here when you need me. But you are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the only solution to all of your problems.”

The old family guilt situation. I used to be fond of saying “Guilt is a useless emotion.” I actually don’t believe that anymore. Guilt is important when it’s legitimate and self-imposed.

Where guilt is useless and harmful is when it is used as a tool to manipulate those close to you. Guilt can be incredibly painful when used this way, not only because it demands responsibility from you for emotions which are not yours, but it also implies that you’re faulty or a bad person in some way for not doing it.

(All of my Jewish readers are nodding their heads right now.)

Nothing sets me off these days like a person trying to guilt-trip me. I immediately call them out on it and if I don’t know them well, I will sometimes end the relationship right then and there.

Last example. This one is a couple in a relationship:

“Hey, I was thinking about that new job you’re looking for. I redid your resume and I’ve started sending it out to some people in my HR department.”

“Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to do it. I want you to be successful. I was also thinking again about us moving in together, I went and looked at apartments today–”

“I told you, I’m not ready for that yet.”

“I know! But it only makes sense. And we’re not getting younger. I think we should just try it.”

“Last month you replaced half my wardrobe with clothes you want me to wear. Then you wanted me to live with you. Now you want me to work with you too?”

“But I love you, I want to take care of you.”

“I love you too, but you have to let me do things my own way. This is not healthy. You take control of my life decisions without consulting me first.”

“I can’t believe how selfish you are! I do EVERYTHING for you and now you’re blaming me for it!”

“If you really care about me, then you need to stop trying to control my life and let me live it on my own.”

This is an example of a codependent relationship from the other side — the side of a partner who gets smothered and pampered too much. It may seem really nice on the surface. You may even think, “Damn, I wish my boyfriend/girlfriend did that for me.” But the truth is that it’s just as unhealthy and it will eventually lead to just as many problems.

A Final Note on Sacrifice and Setting Boundaries.

Before we go (I realize this is getting long, and I still haven’t found my keys), I want to make a final note about relationships and sacrifice.

The biggest counter-argument — or rationalization, depending on your perspective — is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.

This is true. If your girlfriend/boyfriend has an unreasonable need for you to call them every day, even if it’s just to talk for three minutes, then it may be reasonable to make a small sacrifice to make them happy.

The catch is that if you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing it . It comes back to the point that acts of affection and interest are only valid if they’re performed without expectations . So if you call your girlfriend/boyfriend every day but hate it and feel like she’s impeding on your independence and you resent her and you’re terrified of how angry she’ll be if you don’t, then you have a boundary problem. If you do it because you love her and don’t mind, then do it.

It can be difficult for people to recognize whether they’re doing something out of perceived obligation or out of voluntary sacrifice. Here’s the litmus test: ask yourself, “If I stopped doing this, how would the relationship change?” If you’re really afraid of the changes, that’s a bad sign. If the consequences are unpleasant but you feel like you could stop performing the action without feeling much different yourself, then that’s a good sign.

The reason is that if there’s a boundary issue then you will fear the loss of that cross-responsibility for one another. If there’s not a boundary issue, i.e., you’re doing it as a gift without expectations, then you’re OK with the repercussions of not doing it. A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument, or getting hurt. A person with weak boundaries is terrified of it.

A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has. A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel. A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each partner supporting each other in their growth and path to self-actualization.

Update: I found my keys.

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FLESH SERIES: Boundaries in Dating.

For testosterone-enriched men, besides the issue of masturbation, there’s no bigger question than where the line is drawn on physical contact in a dating relationship.

As a man, it’s your role to lead in the area of setting boundaries and guarding each other against lust. This means you should initiate the conversation very early in the relationship. You should also be in a position of knowing what type of physical contact is appropriate and what is not. This question of what is appropriate is usually asked as, “Where do you draw the line?” with the inference that if I’m not thrilled with your answer, I’ll get a second opinion.

Continue This Chapter with Group Discussion Material in the MyCru App →

In most books on the issue, authors usually turn the question around. They tell their audience they shouldn’t be thinking about how close they can get to “the line” but rather they should think about how far they can get from it. This is sound advice and certainly helpful, but we want to suggest an alternative focus. Take a look at the following verses:

“Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ send greetings” (Romans 16:16).

“All the brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss” (1 Corinthians 16:20).

“Greet all the brothers with a holy kiss” (1 Thessalonians 5:26).

The Holy Kiss.

We would suggest the “Holy Kiss” principle on the physical dimension of your dating relationships, provided your Bible doesn’t translate the word “holy” as “French.”

As infants, as children and as adults, physical contact is the primary way we show care, protection, affirmation, encouragement and love for each other. Where, after all, would sports be in America without the ubiquitous slap on the rear? This is the love language of athletic coaches. But I better keep writing and make my point before you stop reading and think you just got the green light to pat your girlfriend on the tush.

Ponder a moment the different ways physical contact expressed care to you when you were growing up. Here are a few of my ponderings:

When I was discouraged after a miserable athletic performance, my father would often put his arm around me. Walking through a dangerous area at night, I would feel his protecting hand on my shoulder. When I was real young, my dad and I would wrestle. Walking behind me at the dinner table, my mom would do this “rubbing-of-my-head-until-my-hair-looked-like-I-just-woke-up” thing. My list could go on, but I’ll stop. I imagine tears are now beginning to form in the corners of your eyes. My point is that touching was inseparable from my experience of affection.

When we think of a physical standard for dating, it might be helpful to consider how we related to a brother or sister within our family: expressing affection without it ever being sexual in nature (never aimed at causing sexual arousal). This aim, then, is the principle of the “Holy Kiss.” We should not avoid all physical contact because it’s completely alien to our humanity. However, the goal of such contact should be to express affection without causing sexual arousal.

One thing to remember is that whenever God tells us not to do something, it’s because He has a better plan. He doesn’t want us to get hurt by following our own paths. God designed sex and sexual arousal to be amazing and enjoyed with only one other person in the context of marriage. Sex is designed to be the pinnacle of intimacy and connection with our spouse. When we don’t follow this design, we leave pieces of ourselves connected to all the other people with whom we have had sexual contact. whether in past relationships or with the naked individuals you have viewed online.

Principles of the Holy Kiss.

So, having said that, what are some principles by which we can judge our physical contact using the measurement of the “Holy Kiss”? They should be rather intuitive, which always makes for a good standard, but we’ll spell out some principles to avoid legal problems should someone use this standard to defend the owning and operating of a Christian brothel.

Your degree of physical contact should be appropriate for your level of relationship. Arms that constantly surround your partner show protection and a degree of ownership of one another. That is perfectly natural if it is a serious, exclusive relationship but quite inappropriate if it’s not.

Physical contact is meant to express affection, not to sexually arouse either you or your partner. You have to be honest about your motives. Guard your heart and your partner’s heart from lust. Whenever there is sexual arousal, you have transgressed the guideline of the “Holy Kiss” and have sinned in the use of your freedom to express physical closeness. I love the standard that the biblical author, James, gives us to determine what is and isn’t sin in our lives. This counsel is especially helpful when it comes to sexual purity. In James 4:17, he says “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”

You must communicate your thoughts and standards to each other. When you rubbed her elbow, it began to sexually excite her, who knew? Talk about stuff, have a heart-to-heart as the relationship forms. Have a “this, but not that” discussion, and by the name of all that’s holy. stay away from those seductive elbows! Think about your partner. In your communication, it’s critical to have a servant’s heart that is motivated to help your partner avoid sexual arousal. Don’t simply think what does and does not arouse you.

Here’s a good rule of thumb to start with: if the swimsuit covers it, don’t touch it unless you’re married. Why? We’re told to treat women as sisters with absolute purity in 1 Timothy 5:2. You wouldn’t touch your sister in that manner. Also, as much as you may like or love your girlfriend, until you’re married, there’s no telling whether or not she will end up being your spouse or someone else's.

Additionally, think about the locations and times you should avoid spending together. For example, spending time alone in your room late at night with the door shut is probably not the best idea. Invite your Christian brothers into the boundaries and standards you have set in your relationship so that they can encourage you and keep you accountable.

Think about your partner and what will arouse her. I saw one dating couple interacting before going into a social event. The woman was tucking in the front of the guy’s shirt. Four options: first, she knows she’s turning him on and is, therefore, sinning; second, this doesn’t turn him on, and therefore, the man is a eunuch; third, this turns him on, but he’s never communicated that it does; fourth, it was dark, and I couldn’t tell if the woman was actually his mother. If it is a Christian relationship, I’m betting on the third option.

Both are responsible for keeping standards, and the stricter of the standards becomes your standard. Judith and Jack Balswick, in their book, “Authentic Human Sexuality”, add this principle: Both are responsible for standard setting, and it is critical that you don’t do anything to transgress either of your consciences. Your conscience, energized by the Holy Spirit, is a precious gift and guide and protection to you. If blunted, you’ve lost a major layer of protection between you and sexual immorality.

Remember the law of diminishing return. Arousal, like lust, always needs more to stimulate it. Set your standards high, for what expressed your feelings of affection yesterday may seem as bland as toothpaste tomorrow. Once you’ve moved down the road physically, it’s very difficult to step back.

The standard of the “Holy Kiss” is not a standard of “How far can I get?” or “How far can I steer away from physical contact?” but “What ways can I show physical affection that are appropriate to our level of commitment and do not cause sexual arousal?”

Boundaries in Dating Summary.

ABOUT THE BOOK: Blog Title: Boundaries in Dating Summary Name: Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships Author: Henry Cloud, John Townsend Download Free Boundaries in Dating from Audible Buy Boundaries in Dating on Amazon Buy Boundaries in Dating on Flipkart Book size: 280 pages.

About Author:

Before talking about the Boundaries in Dating Summary let’s first talk about the book author Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend . Dr. Henry Cloud is an American Christian self-help author. Cloud co-authored Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life in 1992 which sold 2 million copies and it evolved into a five-part series. He has also co-authored Boundaries in Marriage , Boundaries with Kids and Boundaries with Teens. Dr. John Townsend is also an American Christian self-help author, and he along with Cloud co-authored Boundaries book and its five-parts .

Overview:

Today will discuss Boundaries in Dating Summary, This book helps you to know how healthy choices can grow your relationship healthy. This book shares Rules for romance that can help you find the love of your life between your singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. This book tries to make your journey of love as smooth as possible. This book sets and maintains healthy boundaries- boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control.

This book can make your dating journey easy smooth and simple, if you are facing issues in your dating life then do read this book. It can revolutionize the way you handle your relationship, and if your relationship is going well then too read this book, because it can strengthen your relationship and also help you to have a strong healthy relationship forever. This is an amazing book written by a best-selling author of boundaries book, you will enjoy reading this book and this book has the potential to make your relationship healthy smooth and happening.

Let’s begin with Boundaries in Dating Summary:

Chapter 1: Why Boundaries in Dating?

In this chapter author has shared story of Heather and Todd, Heather and Todd were in love, heather cared deeply cared deeply for him and was ready to pursue marriage, but Todd has shown no sign of making real commitment to the relationship, they both enjoyed each other company, they both love to spend time which each other, heather used to talk to Todd about getting serious in their relationship but Todd used to take it in a funny way, At the age of thirty-three Todd used to enjoy his freedom he used to value his freedom a lot and he saw no reason for anything in his life to change.

Heather was feeling frustrated, she was hurt and she was discouraged, the reason for her frustration was that she and her boyfriend Todd were seemed to be on different tracks, she was hurt because her love felt unrequited and she was discouraged because she had invested so much of her heart, time and energy into the relationship, for past year Heather had made Todd a high emotional priority in her life, she had given up her favorite activities which she used to enjoy, she had given up relationships she valued, she tried to become a kind of person which she thought Todd would be attracted to and now after all this she feels that her investment was going nowhere.

Author says that if you into such unique kind of relationship then you must be familiar to heather and Todd story and scenario, Author says similar thing happens with many people, two people get genuinely attracted to each other and start dating they are hopeful that the relationship will become something special that will lead to a marriage and they will become a lifelong soul mate but things didn’t turn the way they wanted, and problems frustration heartache irritation starts taking place in their relationship which at higher extent results into relationship failure or relationship downfall.

Author says that when this problem occurs people start blaming dating, they start feeling as if dating is not a healthy activity, they should search for alternatives like friendships, author says that dating has its difficulties but it has good things too, it gives opportunities to grow personally and learn how to related to people, for starters, author says that dating has risk That’s why they say No For kids, means kids are not allowed, here kids are not allowed doesn’t mean that teen shouldn’t date or married couple can’t have kids, but here kids are not allowed means you can’t be a kid all the time in a relationship, Maturity is really very important, dating works best between two responsible people, always putting too much of emotional investment can be dangerous hence be responsible and mature.

This book discusses the problem couples face while dating and lack of Freedom and Responsibility is the major reason for Dating issues, author says that freedom and responsibility are necessary for deep love and for developing commitment, author says that when two individual allow each other freedom and take ownership of the relationship then it means that they are creating an environment for love to grow and become mature, Freedom and responsibility are the two elements which is needed in every successful and happy relationship, it should be there in every relationship, in marriage, dating, friendship, business, parents and children relationship, family –relative relationship etc.

Chapter 6: What You Can Live With and what You Can’t Live With.

In the book safe people Dr. Cloud share his personal experience where he was asked to speak to Christian college group on the topic “HOW TO PICK SOMEONE TO DATE OR MARRY.” Dr. Cloud started his talk by asking them a question “WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A PERSON TO DATE SERIOUSLY OR MARRY.? He got some of the responses to his question and those responses were:

I would date or marry a person who is in deep spiritual commitment to god I would date or marry a person who loves God’s word I would date or marry a person who is ambitious Someone fun Who is attractive Smart Witty A leader quality person Who likes sports etc.

Listening to all this author said wow it’s a great list, but further he added, that in all the years that he had done marriage counseling, he still hasn’t met a couple who want to end their relationship because one was not witty enough, or did not read bible as much as the other wished, or was not a leader in their field.

But the author has met hundreds of couples who want to end their relationship because they feel.

That their partner is controlling and they feel smothered all the time That their partner doesn’t listen to him/her That their partner is critical, that they never feel as if they are doing anything right That their partner is irresponsible That their partner overspends all the time That their partner just can’t connect emotionally, never understands how the other partner feels That their partner is full of anger and it scares me That their partner lies all the time and there trust issues etc.

This is the end of Boundaries in Dating Summary. This book has more parts and every part has more amazing chapters which will for sure help you to strengthen your dating and relationship, do buy this book from the given links:

Download Free Boundaries in Dating from Audible Buy Boundaries in Dating on Amazon Buy Boundaries in Dating on Flipkart.

Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships.

Описание.

Boundaries in Dating offers illuminating insights for romance that can help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control as you pursue a healthy dating relationship that will lead to a healthy marriage.

Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting people is just one concern. Once you've met someone, then what? What do you build? Nothing, a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits on physical involvement? Financial involvement? Individual responsibilities?

Respected counselors, popular radio hosts, and bestselling authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend apply the principles described in their Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries to matters of love and romance. Helping you bridge the pitfalls of dating, Boundaries in Dating unfolds a wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process. Boundaries in Dating will help you to think, solve problems, and enjoy the journey of dating, increasing your abilities to find and commit to a marriage partner.

Full of insightful, true-life examples, this much-needed book includes such topics as:

Recognizing and choosing quality over perfection in a dating partner How to ensure that honest friendship is one vital component in a relationship Preserving friendships by separating between platonic relationships and romantic interest Moving past denial to deal with real relational problems in a realistic and hopeful way . . . and much more!

Plus, check out Boundaries family collection of books dedicated to key areas of life - marriage, raising kids, parenting teens, and leadership. Workbooks and Spanish editions are also available.

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Отрывок книги.

Boundaries in Dating - Henry Cloud.

Part One: You and Your Boundaries.

Chapter 1: Why Boundaries in Dating?

So what do I do, set a bomb underneath his chair? Heather exploded, only partly in jest. She was having lunch with her best friend, Julie. The conversation focused on her ongoing frustration with Todd, Heather’s boyfriend for the past year. Heather cared deeply for him and was ready to pursue marriage. Though he was loving, responsible, and fun, Todd had shown no sign of making any real commitment to the relationship. The couple enjoyed being together, yet anytime Heather tried to talk about getting serious, Todd would make a joke or skate around the issue. At thirty-three, Todd valued his freedom and saw no reason for anything in his life to change.

Heather’s outburst was a response to something Julie had said: You really need to help Todd get moving forward. Heather’s words were tinted with frustration, hurt, and a good deal of discouragement. Frustration because she and Todd seemed to be on different tracks. Hurt because her love felt unrequited. And discouraged because she had invested so much of her heart, time, and energy into the relationship. For the past year, Heather had made Todd a high emotional priority in her life. She had given up activities she enjoyed; she had given up relationships she valued. She had tried to become the kind of person she thought Todd would be attracted to. And now it looked like this investment was going nowhere.

No Kids Allowed.

Welcome to dating. If you have been in this unique type of relationship, you are probably familiar with Heather and Todd’s scenario. Two people are genuinely attracted to each other and start going out. They are hopeful that the relationship will become something special that will lead to marriage and a lifelong soul mate. Things look good for a while, but somehow something breaks down between them, causing heartache, frustration, and loneliness. And, more often than not, the scenario repeats itself in other relationships down the line.

Some people blame dating itself for all of this, thinking that it’s not a healthy activity. They would rather find an alternative, such as group friendships until two people have selected each other to court exclusively. Though dating has its difficulties, we would not take this view. We believe in dating. We did it a lot personally, having been single a combined total of seventy-five years. And we think it offers lots of good things, such as opportunities to grow personally and learn how to relate to people, for starters.

However, dating does have its risks. That is why we say, no kids allowed. That doesn’t mean teens shouldn’t date, but it does mean one’s maturity is very important here. By its very nature, dating is experimental, with little commitment initially, so someone can get out of a relationship without having to justify himself much. Putting lots of emotional investment into a relationship can be dangerous. Thus, dating works best between two responsible people.

Problems in Freedom and Responsibility.

This book is not about the nature of dating, however. You cannot do a lot about that. Rather, we are writing about the problems people have in how they conduct their dating lives. There is a great deal you can do about that.

Simply put, many of the struggles people experience in dating relationships are, at heart, caused by some problem in the areas of freedom and responsibility. By freedom, we mean your ability to make choices based on your values, rather than choosing out of fear or guilt. Free people make commitments because they feel it’s the right thing to do, and they are wholehearted about it. By responsibility, we mean your ability to execute your tasks in keeping the relationship healthy and loving, as well as being able to say no to things you shouldn’t be responsible for. Responsible people shoulder their part of the dating relationship, but they don’t tolerate harmful or inappropriate behavior.

Dating is ultimately about love. People seek it through dating. When they find it, and it matures, they often make deep commitments to each other. Freedom and responsibility are necessary for love to develop in dating. When two individuals allow each other freedom and take ownership of the relationship, they are creating an environment for love to grow and mature. Freedom and responsibility create a safe and secure environment for a couple to love, trust, explore, and deepen their experience of each other.

Actually, these two elements are necessary for any successful relationship, not just dating. Marriage, friendship, parenting, and business connections depend on freedom and responsibility in order for the attachment to flourish. God designed love so that there can be no fear (loss of freedom) in love, for perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). We are to speak the truth in love to each other (Ephesians 4:15), taking responsibility to protect love by confronting problems.

We believe that healthy boundaries are the key to preserving freedom, responsibility, and ultimately love, in your dating life. Establishing and keeping good limits can do a great deal to not only cure a bad relationship, but make a good one better. So, before we take a look at the ways that dating problems arise from freedom and responsibility conflicts, let’s take a brief look at what boundaries are and how they function in your dating relationships.

What Are Boundaries?

You may not be familiar with the term boundary . For some people, boundaries may bring up images of walls, barriers to intimacy, or even selfishness. Yet that is not the case, especially in the dating arena. If you understand what boundaries are and do, they can be one of the most helpful tools in your life to develop love, responsibility, and freedom. Let’s take a look at what a boundary is, its functions and purpose, and some examples.

A Property Line.

Simply put, a boundary is a property line. Just as a physical fence marks out where your yard ends and your neighbor’s begins, a personal boundary distinguishes what is your emotional or personal property, and what belongs to someone else. You can’t see your own boundary. However, you can tell it is there when someone crosses it. When another person tries to control you, tries to get too close to you, or asks you to do something you don’t think is right, you should feel some sense of protest. Your boundary has been crossed.

The Functions of Boundaries.

Boundaries serve two important functions. First, they define us. Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. God has many clear boundaries. He loves the world (John 3:16); he loves cheerful givers (2 Corinthians 9:7). He hates haughty eyes and a lying tongue (Proverbs 6:16–17). As people made in his image, we also are to be honest and truthful about what we are and are not.

Dating goes much better when you are defined. When you are clear about your values, preferences, and morals, you solve many problems before they start. For example, a woman may tell a guy she is going out with that she is serious about her spiritual life, and desires that in people she is close to. She is letting him know about something that defines her, and it is out front between them, so that he will know who she is.

The second function of boundaries is that they protect us. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don’t have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Prudent people see danger and hide from it (Proverbs 27:12). For example, a man and woman who are getting closer in their relationship may want to set some limits on dating other people, so as to protect each other’s hearts from unnecessary harm. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.

Examples of Boundaries.

There are several kinds of limits we can set and use in dating, all depending on the circumstances. Here are a few:

Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement.

The truth: bringing reality to a problem.

Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.

Other people: using supportive friends to help keep a limit.

Sometimes you will use these boundaries to simply let your date know your heart: I am sensitive and wanted you to know that, so that we can be aware that I might get hurt easily. At other times, you may need to use boundaries to confront a problem and protect yourself or the relationship: I will not go as far as you want sexually, and if you continue pushing, I will not see you again. Either way, boundaries give you freedom and choices.

What’s Inside Your Boundaries.

Remember that boundaries are a fence protecting your property. In dating, your property is your own soul. Boundaries surround the life God has given you to maintain and mature, so that you can become the person he created you to be. Here are some of the contents of your self that boundaries define and protect.

Your love: your deepest capacity to connect and trust.

Your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not be controlled by someone else’s feelings.

Your values: your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply.

Your behaviors: your control over how you act in your dating relationship.

Your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date.

You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keeping your very soul safe, protected, and growing.

You will find many, many examples and situations in this book about how to apply boundary principles in your dating life. Just remember that you are not being mean when you say no. Instead, you may be saving yourself or even the relationship from harm.

How Boundary Problems Show Themselves.

There are lots of ways that dating suffers when freedom and responsibility are not appropriately present. Here are a few of them.

Loss of Freedom to Be Oneself.

Sometimes, one person will give up her identity and lifestyle to keep a relationship together. Then, when her true feelings emerge, the other person doesn’t like who she really is, having never been exposed to her real self. Heather, in the introductory illustration, had lost some of her freedom in this way.

Being with the Wrong Person.

When we have well-developed boundaries, we are more drawn to healthy, growing people. We are clear about what we will tolerate and what we love. Good boundaries run off the wackos, and attract people who are into responsibility and relationship. But when our boundaries are unclear or undeveloped, we run the risk of allowing people inside who shouldn’t be there.

Dating from Inner Hurt Rather Than Our Values.

Boundaries have so much to do with our values, what we believe and live out in life. When our boundaries are clear, our values can dictate what kinds of people fit the best. But often, people with poor boundaries have some soul-work to do, and they unknowingly attempt to work it out in dating. Instead of picking people because of their values, they react to their inner struggles and choose in some devastating ways. For example, the woman with controlling parents may be drawn to controlling men. Conversely, another woman with the same sort of background may react the opposite way, picking passive and compliant men so as to never be controlled. Either way, the hurt part inside is picking, not the values.

Not Dating.

Sadly, some people who really want to be dating are on the sidelines, wondering if they will ever find anyone, or if anyone will find them. This is often caused by boundary conflicts, when people withdraw to avoid hurt and risk, and end up empty-handed.

Doing Too Much in the Relationship.

Many people with boundary problems overstep their bounds and don’t know when to stop giving of themselves. They will put their lives and hearts on hold for someone, only to find out that the other person was willing to take all that, but never really wanted to deeply commit. Good boundaries help you know how much to give, and when to stop giving.

Freedom without Responsibility.

Freedom must always be accompanied by responsibility. When one person enjoys the freedom of dating, and takes no responsibility for himself, problems occur. Someone who is having his cake and eating it too in his dating relationship is in this category. This is Todd’s situation. He enjoyed Heather but didn’t want to take any responsibility to develop the relationship, though a great deal of time had passed.

Control Issues.

More often than not, one person wants to get serious sooner than another. Sometimes in this situation, the more serious person attempts to rein in the other person by manipulation, guilt, domination, and intimidation. Love has become secondary, and control has become primary.

Not Taking Responsibility to Say No.

This describes the nice guy who allows disrespect and poor treatment by his date, and either minimizes the reality that he is being mistreated, or simply hopes that one day she will stop. He disowns his responsibility to set a limit on bad things happening to him.

Sexual Impropriety.

Couples often have difficulty keeping appropriate physical limits. They either avoid taking responsibility for the issue, or one person is the only one with the brakes, or they ignore the deeper issues that are driving the activity.

There are many more ways that dating can become misery because of freedom and responsibility problems. We will go over many of them in the book. And, as you will see, understanding and applying boundaries in the right ways can make a world of difference in how you approach the dating arena.

In the next chapter, we will look at the first and foremost boundary line of any relationship: truth.

Take-Away Tips.

Dating involves risks, and boundaries help you navigate those risks.

Boundaries are your property lines which define and protect you.

Learn to value what your boundaries protect, such as your emotions, values, behaviors, and attitudes.

Boundaries help you be yourself, instead of losing yourself in someone else.

You want the person you date to take responsibility for his life, as you do.

Good boundaries will help you choose better quality people because they help you become a better person.

Chapter 2: Require and Embody Truth.

I went to a conference a few years back on working with character disorders, and the instructor was giving a list of priorities to psychologists who treat them. Character disorder is a catch-all term, but one way of defining it is people who do not take ownership and responsibility for their lives. I will never forget what the instructor said about the number-one priority—other than protecting your personal safety—in treating character disorders.

As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship. The whole thing is a farce, and you should not go any further in trying to help the person until you settle the issue of deception. There are no other issues at that point except that one. Trust is everything in a helping relationship, and when it is broken, it becomes the only issue to work on. Either fix that or end the relationship. Where there is deception there is no relationship.

It was wise training and good counsel from a very experienced leader in the field. Thirty-five years of practice had taught him through experience that where there is deception, there is no relationship. Truthfulness is everything. While essential in the therapeutic relationship, honesty is the bedrock of dating and marriage as well.

Standing on Quicksand.

I was listening to a client tell her story the other day. Her marriage was torn asunder by an affair. The interesting thing, though, was that the marriage was not ripped by the affair, but by the lying. The husband had confessed some things to his wife and she was devastated. They separated for several months while she went through all of the pain associated with that kind of betrayal. Then, after all of that, she decided that she wanted to reconcile and get back together. She was softening and opening up, and he was repentant. Then she found out that he had not told her the whole story the first time and that things were worse than she had been led to believe.

The second deception was worse than the first. It was like the affair had happened all over again, except this time there was lying on top of the first lying and deception of it all. It was more than she could take. Feeling like she was standing on quicksand, she started the separation all over again. Her situation reminded me again of the wise psychiatrist’s words, Where there is deception, there is no relationship.

I have seen deception undermine relationships in the areas of finances, work performance, substance use, and many other topics. The context changes from relationship to relationship, but the lying and deception are just as destructive no matter what topic someone is lying about. The real problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive, you never know what reality is. You are not standing on firm ground, and the ground can shift at any moment. As one woman said, It makes you question everything.

Deception in Dating.

There are many different ways to deceive someone in the world of dating. Let’s look at some of the more common ones.

Deception About Your Relationship.

Karen liked Matt a lot, but after a few months of dating, she realized that the relationship was not going anywhere long-term. She liked having him around, but Matt was getting more serious than she was in his feelings for her. He had stopped going out with other people and was beginning to treat her like a real girlfriend.

At first she was uncomfortable with his seriousness, but she tried to ignore the feeling. After all, she was having fun and did not see any harm in continuing to go out. But he was getting more and more affectionate, and there were other signs that he was getting hooked. The more he did, the more she denied her awareness that she was not being straightforward. What’s the harm? she convinced herself.

Then one night they were watching late-night TV when he leaned over and kissed her. He said softly, I love you.

Karen felt her whole body go stiff. But she kissed him back and acted as if nothing was wrong. A little while later, she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed. She bid him good night, and he.

Biblical Dating: Principles for Drawing Boundaries.

Before continuing with this article, please review the preamble included at the beginning of Scott’s first article in this series, “Biblical Dating: How It’s Different From Modern Dating.”

Quite a few Boundless readers asked questions or made comments about my statement in “Biblical Dating: How It’s Different From Modern Dating” that “biblical dating assumes no physical intimacy” outside of marriage. Many wanted to know, did I really mean no physical intimacy? What about showing affection? Isn’t it sex outside of marriage that Scripture explicitly prohibits? How can you say definitively that other things are wrong? What if we’re in a committed relationship? Shouldn’t our physical relationship “progress” as other aspects of our relationship deepen? In this day and age, how far is really too far? I understand most physical stuff is wrong, but what about just kissing?

All good questions. With respect to pre-marital, romantically oriented kissing, we’re clearly talking about an area about which reasonable believers can (and do) disagree. Let me lay out what I view to be applicable biblical principles and passages on this topic.

I’ll start by putting my position right on the line:

I believe the Bible to teach that all sexual activity outside of marriage is sin, and all romantically oriented physical activity is sexual activity. In my view, this includes premarital kissing.

As the questions above indicate, however, many single Christians have questions about whether premarital physical activity at some level beyond kissing is OK. We need to address the whole spectrum (“just kissing” included).

Let me offer a caveat or two at the outset. First, the fact that “romantically oriented” is in italics above is important. I am obviously not saying that hugs and kisses of affection or greeting to relatives and the like are out of bounds.

Another important point has to do with culture. In some cultures, kisses of greeting — between members of the same sex or of the opposite sex — as well as hand-holding and other forms of physical expression during normal, non-romantic social intercourse, are more common. Fine. You might even be able to talk me into the notion that brief , “non-leaning-in” hugs of greeting, sympathy, etc. between men and women who are not romantically involved are OK.

We all know what we’re talking about here, and these are not the things I mean to address in this column. The game changes when two people are romantically involved or “semi-involved” (a fascinating phrase I recently heard).

All right. Before you start throwing things at your computer, let’s go to Scripture. It is certainly true that no passage of Scripture says — in so many words, at least — “thou shalt not kiss before marriage.” Having said that, I submit that there is a strong argument to be made from Scripture that there is no room for any sexual relationship outside of marriage. The argument becomes clearer when we look at some of what the Bible has to say about 1) sex, 2) our relationships with other believers and 3) sexual immorality itself.

The “S” Word.

As a good initial principle here, we should affirm that sex itself (and sexual activity in general) is not inherently negative or sinful. On the contrary, in the proper context, it is a kind and good gift of God. Michael Lawrence and other able Boundless authors have written before about the wonderful gift of sex, so I won’t belabor the point except to repeat that the Scripture passages on sex, taken together, make very clear that God instituted sex within marriage for purposes of procreation, pleasure, intimacy, holiness and — ultimately — for His glory.

God instituted sex within marriage as part of His design of the family (Genesis 1:28). In 1 Corinthians 7:3 and following, Paul says once we are married, our bodies literally belong to our spouse; he also instructs spouses to meet one another’s sexual needs and to be together regularly so as to protect ourselves from falling into ungodly lust and extramarital sexual activity.

If you have any doubts about God’s intention to give us sex as a wonderful, pleasurable gift, Song of Songs should put them to rest. In Song of Songs, God has given us a holy and beautiful picture of a marital sexual relationship, and everyone seems to be having an excellent time. Even there, however, God is clear that sex is uniquely for marriage: “Do not arouse or awaken love before it so desires.” (Song of Songs 2:7). The orthodox interpretation of the book suggests both that an actual sexual relationship is part of what the narrative relays and a context (at the time of the sexual part of the relationship) of marriage.

Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

So marriage is a unique relationship, and the good gift of sex is not only allowed but commanded within that relationship. Still, the overwhelming majority of believers will only share that relationship with one person in their entire lives. How are we to relate to everyone else (especially believers), and how does that question inform the topic of premarital sexual activity?

The simple answer is that every believer to whom I am not married is my brother or sister in Christ, and I am to act accordingly.

There are too many passages to mention in this space that communicate God’s command to live for God’s glory and to “love” one another — defined as putting the spiritual good of others above our own desires. We are to do this in light of what God has done for us in Christ and in light of Christ’s impending return. Just a few examples: Romans 12, especially vv. 9-13 (“Love must be sincere…. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”); Romans 13:8-14, especially vv. 9b and 10a (“Love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no harm to its neighbor.”); 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, especially v. 5 (love “is not self-seeking”).

More specifically, 1 Timothy 5:1-2 reiterates the “family” metaphor among believers and instructs us about how we are to treat our fellow members of the body of Christ:

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father . Treat younger men as brothers , older women as mothers , and younger women as sisters , with absolute purity (emphasis mine).

This is a didactic (teaching) passage generally instructing us about how to relate to other “family members” among God’s people. We should note this analogy with care. With the exception of husbands and wives, there is no sexual dimension to “familial” relationships. Also, look at that phrase about how younger women should be treated — with absolute purity. As a lawyer, I almost never see absolute statements. It’s the strongest possible language Paul can employ.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him . The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to lead a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his holy spirit.”

Look closely at verse 6. Some translations render the word “wrong” as “defraud.” To defraud someone is to deceive that person — in this context, to imply a commitment that does not exist by committing acts with someone that are appropriate only in the context of a particular relationship (i.e., marriage) to satisfy my own “passionate lust.” To commit sexual immorality with and against someone, far from showing the “love” to which Scripture calls all believers, is to act like those “who do not know God,” and this passage calls such acts “sin.”

Now, one obvious counterargument to the point I intend to make is that the Scriptures I’ve cited above just beg the question of what behaviors violate those passages. The argument might run thus: “Of course I want to love to others. Of course I want to care for their spiritual good. I just think I can show genuine affection (short of intercourse) with someone I clearly care about and still obey those passages.”

Fair enough. Let’s explore that idea. Let’s say for the sake of argument that it is theoretically possible to engage in extramarital romantically oriented physical activity and obey the above biblical standards while doing it. Have you ever met that mark?

Think about the times you have engaged in any type of romantically oriented physical activity with someone not your spouse. It might have been last night or last week or last year or back in high school or college.

Would you describe whatever you did as “holy and honorable,” or was it done to satisfy the “passionate lust” of you or your partner or both (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5)? Were you honest with the person about making a commitment to him or her before the Lord, or did you defraud or deceive that person in some way? Was your purpose for doing what you did to build that person up spiritually — to make that person “more holy” (Ephesians 5:28-29)? Do you believe that you and your partner “honor[ed] God with your bodies” in doing what you did (1 Corinthians 6:20)? Whatever you did, did that interaction reflect “absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2)? Was there “even a hint” of sexual immorality in what you did (Ephesians 5:3-5)? Whatever you did, as you now think about it, does it inspire a comfortable peace or an uncomfortable shudder to remember that Father, Son and Holy Spirit observed it all? Do you believe God was glorified or grieved by what He saw?

How’d your answers come out? I can tell you from literally hundreds of emails and personal conversations that the only people who really attempt to justify premarital sexual involvement (with a few exceptions for “just kissing”) are those who would like to engage in it in the future or who are currently engaging in it. I have never heard any believer , single or married, defend their extramarital physical relationships from a position of looking back on them.

Keep in mind that the idea of holy, God-glorifying sexuality is by no means an impossible standard once you figure marriage into the equation. While no person stops being a fallible, broken sinner just because he or she gets married, the context of marriage makes it possible — even normal and likely, in the case of two walking Christians — to answer well the questions I just posed. Sex within a godly marriage is holy and honorable before God (1 Corinthians 7, Song of Songs, Hebrews 13:4). It is part of the process of building one another up spiritually in marriage and should be done to that end. It is also meant, among other things, for sexual pleasure. And marriage — including the sexual relationship within it — reflects the covenant and the joyful, loving, intimate relationship between the church and her Savior. Not to put too fine a point on it, good sex within a godly marriage actually reflects God’s character and brings Him glory. It meets the mark.

The Problem with “How far can we go?”

For those who have not thought about the passages above or who disagree with my argument from them, “How far is too far?” is still the big question on many minds. A brief tour of Christian blogs and bookstores will provide several different answers to the question, attempting to compose lines and boundaries somewhere on the sexual continuum behind which singles must stay. Some don’t even draw lines beyond sexual intercourse, inviting singles to think it through and let their consciences guide them in the context of a committed relationship. I realize there’s disagreement here.

In my view, the problem with asking, “How far can we go?” is that if we want to positively pursue godliness , it’s simply the wrong question. What that question really asks is, “How close to the line (sexual sin) can I get without crossing it?” The problem is that Scripture explicitly tells us not to try to “approach” the line at all, but to turn and run from it.

The Bible and Sexual Immorality.

“Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

The Greek word for “flee” in this passage is an exaggerated form of the word “repent” that means (roughly) to turn and run from something. I once played golf on a course in Florida that was home to many large alligators (don’t get distracted — my lack of judgment is not the point here). Every hole had big blue and white signs on it that said (I’m paraphrasing): “DANGER: ALLIGATORS PRESENT. DO NOT FEED OR APPROACH ALLIGATORS. IF YOU ENCOUNTER AN ALLIGATOR, FLEE IMMEDIATELY.”

Now, we could quibble about exactly what “flee” means here. It might mean “run in the other direction.” It might mean “walk in the other direction.” What it certainly does not mean is “attempt to carefully indulge your interest in alligators by taking your 5-iron, walking up to the alligator, and seeing how many times you can poke it without becoming its mid-afternoon snack.”

Scripture is replete with statements that sexual immorality leads to death, that it is idolatry and that those who are characterized by it will not enter the kingdom of heaven (check out 1 Corinthians 6:12 and following, among many others). In addition to 1 Corinthians 6, other passages explicitly tell us that sexual immorality is not something to flirt with. Romans 13 (right after speaking positively of how and why to selflessly love one another) admonishes us not even to “ think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” Ephesians 5 tells us that there must not be “even a hint of sexual immorality” among the followers of Christ. If you want to think through this idea well, take your concordance and look at what the Bible has to say collectively about sexual sin of all types. It’s intensely sobering.

The question is not “How far can I go in indulging my desires for sexual gratification or intimacy without getting too close to this thing the Bible utterly rejects?” The question we should all ask — in any area of our lives — is “How can I best pursue that to which God in His Word has positively called me?” He has called us all to pursue holiness and purity in our personal lives. That leaves little room for intentional flirtation with any sin, sexual or otherwise.

“Just Kissing”

Let’s talk about two practical arguments that have implications for “just kissing.” The first is that all sexual activity is sex. I believe God’s design of sex doesn’t merely include the act of sexual intercourse. It’s also everything that leads up to that act, and everything on the sexual continuum is meant to end in that act. It’s called foreplay, and I think it’s a fundamental part of God’s design for sex. To borrow (and embellish) an analogy from Michael Lawrence, sexual activity is like a down-hill on-ramp to a highway. It’s one way, you gather momentum the second you enter it, and according to the Great Engineer’s design of the highway system, there’s only one reason to get on it.

This truth bears itself out not only in our emotions, desires and common sense, but literally in our physical bodies. The moment two people begin kissing or touching each other in a sexual way, both the male and female body — without going into unwarranted detail here — begin “preparing” for sex. God has designed us that way, and when we begin any sort of sexual activity, our bodies know exactly what’s going on — even if our self-deluding minds deny it.

I’ll simply call the other argument the “wisdom argument.” Even if we assume for a moment — just for the sake of argument, mind you — that kissing without doing anything else isn’t sex and is therefore OK, when two people care for one another, it is natural to want to consummate that affection physically. In the right context, those desires are good and right and God-glorifying. In any context, they are some of the strongest desires known to human kind. Kissing will often make you want to do more than kiss. It will likely make you want to indulge in sin. That desire will be strong enough in both of you without blatantly tempting yourself by trying to put just one foot on the on-ramp. If courting such spiritual danger is not sin itself, it is, at the very least, an unwise invitation to sin, what Proverbs calls “folly.” Why put someone you claim to care about at spiritual risk?

Remember the Gospel.

I’ll be the first to admit that this article has been a pretty rough slog through a type of sin many of us (myself included) have fallen into at one time or another in our lives. Let me close by reminding us all that while God hates sin, and while sexual sin — like all sin — is destructive to us and grieving to God, there is hope and forgiveness in Jesus Christ. If we truly repent of our past sins and turn from them and believe in the atoning blood of Christ, we are not “damaged goods,” but new creations . What was red as crimson has become white as snow.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Copyright 2007 Scott Croft. All rights reserved.