Yo soy Bianka Sanchez
Born April 29
2005
I am my mother’s daughter
La hija de en medio
La oveja negra
The cycle breaker
Yo soy Felicitas ibarra medina
Born May 1st
1930
Tengo 5 hermanos
Quiero una casita en donde existe el silencio
Porque en la mía de chiquita
no lo había
Mi sonido favorito será la paz
Whenever i would tell my mother que me costaba vivir
She would often suggest praying more
Pero yo veía a Mamá triste
Y me preguntaba si dios tampoco la quería
Do I really want to be a mother?
Me lo pregunto todo el tiempo
Nadie después de mi merece este ciclo
I want my children to understand a home
That is silent and warm
I urge them to go to school
Do what i didnt
To get out of here
To get themselves out of here
Yo soy Jose Andres Sanchez Aguilar
Born January of 1931
Me dicen ‘El bonito’
De chiquito comía pescado todos los días
The floor of my home was nothing but dirt
This should have made me grateful
But it didn't
And i am not
It made me angry and it made me greedy
Vivía en una colonia afuerita de Guadalajara
Donde decian que se pagaba la renta con chayotes
My ears are a little weird
Me decían Orejas de comal vidriado
Mi papa era soldado
He killed a lot of people
He raped a lot of women
“Mi papá fue soldado
Yo soy soldado
Y usted será soldado” Me decía
There are many things that his father was,
That he was
And now
That i am
I am not loyal
I am not kind
Nunca fui soldado
Como queria mi papa
But he didn't live long enough to know this
Trabaje en los ferrocarriles
Nunca supe ser fiel
Tengo 12 hijos
Tuve muchas mujeres pero nunca supe amarlas
En las noches duermo solo
Cuando estoy enfermo pienso en mi madre y en mi padre
Pienso en la miel con limón que mi mamá me preparaba para la tos
De repente les recuerdo con amor y con nostalgia
What would they say of who I am today?
Yo soy Juan Gilsan Sanchez Ibarra
Born september 5
1960
En mi casa jamás se tiraba nada
Se le daba un segundo uso a todo
I used to wonder why my mom had boxes & boxes of stuff
Aún si ya no servían
Ahora soy adulto y me cuesta tirar hasta la basura
I am not a hoarder
I miss my family and I miss my innocence
En mi cultura nos cuesta mucho llorar
Crecimos escuchando
Sana sana colita de rana
para moretones y dolores
Pero qué hay con los que existen en el corazón?
I’ve lived in China
Germany
Japan
Irvine
Now I live in Rancho Bernardo
Yo soy Gloria Amador
Born september 4
1970
Yo soy Gloria Amador
Soñadora
Independiente
Decidida
Ahora también soy fuerte
Limitaciones
Qué es eso?
Cuando puedo volar tan alto
I was always independent
But maybe by independent i mean lonely
When my mom tells me i was mature as i child
Mi corazón se entristece
Yo soy Bianka Sanchez
Born April 29
2005
I am my mother’s daughter
La hija de en medio
La oveja negra
The cycle breaker
De mis trenzas cuelgan las memorias de mi papá
Las palabras de mi mama
De su mama
Cuando era chiquita esperaba a que llegue mi papá para irme con él a su cama
Nosotras dormíamos en el piso de la sala con mi mamá
The big blue blanket laid out under us
Y la cobija del Tigre over us
When we left him I did not cry
I was only six
But I knew a lot
Y si me dolió
Ver a mi padre llenarse los ojos de distancia
Y a mi madre de dolor
My mom unmasks herself and reveals another mask
Maybe her sisters have seen her dance with a broom
Or skip rocks on a lake
I ask her again to tell me what she loves
But we do not speak the same language
Even in spanish
Yo se que mi abuelita no la abrazaba cuando lloraba
Ojala la hubiera querido mejor
El hubiera no existe
Me dice
En algún otro mundo nos protegemos de este ciclo
Si alguna vez tengo hijos quiero que aprendan del amor
Quererse a ellos mismos
Querese uno al otro
Querer sin perjuicio
Querer con compasion
Quiero que salgan a buscar catarinas
Que le canten al sol
Quiero que aprendan de los planetas
Y sobre sus plantas favoritas
Yo se que soy adulta pero me siento tan chiquita
Yo soy Bianka Sanchez Amador
Tengo 18 anos
Peace means nothing to me
I am who i am because i go to war for it
You ask me who i am
Well there is a child in here
And a baby
And a really mean old lady
And i don't remember what I like to have for lunch
I can just have what you’re having
No se a donde voy
Pero se quien soy
Y la mujer que seré
Ella duerme en la misma cama que yo
I am Bianka Sanchez
My ancestors wildest dreams
Future doctor
Future mother
I come from rain and flowers
There is nothing to figure out
My legacy is my joy
I shall endure
I will endure
Where i am from reminds me of safety. Children play in the streets and chase eachother with sticks.
Where i am from, your parents leave you with the neighbor while they run to the store
Where i am from, you join a game of tag you were not invited to play, because you know you are welcome either way
Where i am from my parents look happy but are not
Where i am from is a light memory
But i am from more than the place i was born.
I am from the day that we left
I am from the apartment we moved into, much smaller than the house we lived in before
I am from the pool where my mom used to spend time taking us to, knowing she should be working
Where i am from, i do not worry about anything
Not if there will be food on my plate
Not if the light bill will be paid
Not if the Water will stay on
Where I am from my mom sings us to sleep and then goes and cleans the kitchen
Where I am from my mom cries in the shower and then walks out like nothing ever happened
Where I am from is bittersweet
Like a blood orange
Like a pomegranate
Where I am from has made me strong
It has made me kind
Bianka Sanchez
English 101
Professor Lopez
Wednesday, September 6, 2023
Look Up
Most of my teenage life I have been treading water. This is unproductive for a lot of reasons, but 1) You go nowhere. 2) You can't tread forever. You either swim or you drown. So why do I tread? Why does anyone? I'm not a confrontational person, with myself or with others. I try not to take up space. I worry too little about the future. I dont charge my phone until it dies, and then I use it while it charges. I try not to but I usually just end up having the same day as the one before- not as much in the things that I do but in the way that I feel. I am the line between many, many things: Brave and reckless, patient and passive, passionate and obsessed, spontaneous and impulsive, determined and stubborn, independent and isolated, bold and careless. Do you see a pattern here? You tread when you’re scared to swim and scared to drown.
My junior year of high school felt pretty long. I was a part of the show choir group at Chula Vista High School. Main Attraction is the name of the group. The director’s name is Michael Sakell. We had a band of 5 boys who played the tracks to our songs at every performance, their name was Main Distraction. I was in a relationship of two years at the time, with a member of Main Distraction. It wasn't a good relationship, but not a lot of people could tell. I kept everyone in my life at a reasonable distance, afraid that they would get too close and see too much. My grades were terrible, but I was good at sweeping this under the rug too. My mom didn't know, neither did my boyfriend or my friends. He was always able to keep his grades up, even during the worst times in our relationship. I think that makes him strong… Or I was just weak..Or maybe it comes down to values and priorities. I did not prioritize my future. I didn't know how to change or move forward. I was stuck.
Second semester came around and things only got worse. I isolated myself more from my friends and spent less time at school. I was ashamed. The people who loved me could see how badly my relationship was affecting me at this point, and instead of leaving, I hid some more. I just kinda watched myself do nothing after that, it was like a prolonged freeze state. There’s a Mitski lyric that says “I am a forest fire, and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witness watching it.” Looking back I can confirm it was a lot worse than I cared to admit. I remember my total number of absences were over 100…. Just for that semester. I didn't know how to ask for help. My mom found out about my absences and my grades that month, and her reality of me was completely disrupted. I remember the feeling of having nowhere left to run or hide. I was at rock bottom, but rock bottom is the perfect place to be.
New character: her name is Ms. Cervantes. She had bright bronze hair and blue eyes. She was a new counselor. Her energy was different from the last counselor I had, I felt safe and seen. She pulled me from class one day to show me my transcript. She didn't have to say it but by the looks of my transcript, it was clear I wasn't on track to graduate. The Learning center was on campus, but not really a part of the campus- most schools in our district had one. You would show up for 2 hours a day, do your work, take your quizzes, meet with your teacher once a week, and go home to do the rest of the work. She suggested this to me, I really had no other option. I only cared about one thing. Can I still be in choir? The thought of my daily routine changing was sickening. I was scared, but I knew this opportunity had presented itself exactly when it had to. I said yes, and I told no one. For the rest of that week I tried to be more present during my classes. It’s true that you appreciate things more when you realize their impermanence.
Everything moved super fast after that. My first day at the learning center was on my birthday. April 29. I got pulled from my third period to the office and my mom was there. We went straight to the learning center to meet with the counselor. New Character: His name is Mr. Smith. He is a tall African American man with a bald shiny head. He is a big part of this story. From the moment I met him he was nothing but kind and loving. I told him about my concerns with staying in choir. He told me that he admired my passion for music, and that as long as it was fine with Mr.Sakell, he would be happy to see me stay.
The rest of the year flew by. Mr. Sakell let me audit the class for the remainder of the year. Meaning I only showed up to school for the learning center and choir. I wasn't exactly supposed to, but I would always stay for lunch and then leave together with my friends who had no last period. This was ideal, I liked going at my own pace and not having so many classes at once anymore. New character: Mrs.Munoz was my teacher at the learning center. She smelled good all the time and wore different lip shades every day, but they all matched her perfectly. I loved her style and the effort she put into it. She always felt warm to me. I would see her every day but would only really talk to her during our weekly meetings on fridays. As time went by I found that I really looked forward to these meetings, and I could tell she did too because she started to meet with me after everyone else so that we could have the rest of the class time to talk. She saw things in me that I couldn't see in myself, and I learned things from her that I will never forget. “You have so much love to give” she told me once while I was sharing a hardship with her, “Don't let your heart harden so easily”. She helped me to see the importance of giving love in the right ways and for the right reasons. I realized during these times that love should never hurt, only nourish. 1 Corinthians 13 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. I think it's perfectly said. Love became everything to me, and I started with myself.
I was able to be a part of the rest of the choir performances and my school work was getting done smoothly. I tried out for the cheerleading team and made varsity. On the last day of school I ended things with my boyfriend. It wasn't graceful, the way I believe now that breakups should be like. It was hard to leave, I felt like a baby learning to walk, but I knew the only way out was through. The thing with letting go is that you can only do it through the act of doing it. I knew my reasons, I stayed kind to myself, knowing that I might have to do it multiple times, but at the end of the day the action was always the same: letting go consists only of itself. I grieved a little every day and gave myself room to just be sad. Recreation became super important to me that summer. I connected to my inner child and looked for all the ways to nourish my relationship with her. I found new music and I looked for the light and the love in everything. Mr. Pernie and Ms. Perez were my summer school teachers. I think they were life’s way of sprinkling some hope and wisdom onto me. Mr. Pernie was maybe in his 30’s and had a short beard. He wore glasses and had beautiful, clean energy. I love teachers who love to be teachers. Ms.Perez was also very young. We were her last class before becoming a ‘real teacher’, I remember being very surprised at this because she seemed perfectly experienced with having her own classroom. I remember what it felt like to sit in their classrooms with a heavy heart. I remember feeling grateful to have met them. The teachers in my life are the most important thing about who I am.
I forgave myself for all the ways I abandoned myself and disregarded my future. For forgetting to look for my purpose. For all the things I should have been and was not, and all the things I should have done and did not. I had to admit my mistakes, only then could I really learn from them. I had to take a few steps back and take accountability for all the ways I was responsible for the pain I was feeling. It was hard to see how clouded my judgment really was– I felt embarrassed and ashamed to see the mess I had made for myself and for my future.
I finished all of my high school credits a couple months into my senior year. That meant I was done with choir too. This was devastating to me. I felt kind of blindsided about not being able to stay in choir. Mr Sakell thought there was no reason for me to stay, and I guess he was right, but that didn't make it hurt any less. This felt a million times worse than having to leave my regular classes. I felt scared and directionless. Everyone else was moving forward without me. I lost touch with a lot of my friends from school really fast. It felt so personal at first but I learned nothing is ever as personal as it feels. Life is moving, and I have to move with it. I graduated high school in May, and have been peacefully floating since then. Everything is simple: loving, giving, receiving, rejoicing.
In conclusion, 2022 was the rebuilding year. A year of great audit, reflection, alignment, forgiveness, deep appreciation, some sadness, questions.. Lots of questions. But patience worked its perfect work and sitting here today i can say all of the pain and confusion was worth it. What I've learned about change is that it's 100% easier when you welcome it. I am not afraid to contradict myself anymore. I know I'm scared, I know I'm brave. I’ve hated music that I love now. Who I was last month is probably different from who I'll be next week. I’m learning how to be! I urge you to try not to break your own heart in the morning, when you are fresh. Keep no stories. There is no need to remember anything. You can float from the bed into the first thing you do like a bird, like water. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Contempt is heaviest to hold. Love is light. Light like breath, like wind, like dust. One day you will escape the chokehold of present emotions that cloud your perception of it all. Only then do you understand what it all was. The clearest view is always the one in the rearview mirror. Until then… Stop treading water. Lay on your back. Float. Look up.