Post date: Jun 23, 2011 9:18:25 PM
I was running errands today; and as I do often when I'm running errands alone, I was pondering. Today, I pondered myself; thought about my life, my joy, the blessings I have, and everything that led me to where I am. Then I thought about my mistakes. I thought about my flaws, and some of the horrible things I've done. In all honesty, I think of those often; I have no illusions about what I've done or who I am. At least, I didn't think so.
I thought about my wife and kids, the most precious things in the world to me. I thought about my siblings, my family and friends, and all the things I wouldn't have had I done things differently. I think most of us can say that there are things we wish we could have done differently, or better yet, not at all. Definitely so in my case. However, if I changed even one, small, seemingly insignificant thing, wouldn't that change everything? To do differently, would be to make myself different, and would I then be blessed with all I have now?
It would be too great a cost. I know that in the core of my being. I live for the love, and the people in my life. If I changed anything, and lost that, I would still have nothing. I thought of the burning fires of hell, that range behind my eyes, calling to me every time I shut them. I thought about a case I did recently, and the false gifts offered to me by an entity born of evil. But no gift, or waiting punishment, could make me say I would change my mind. In the end, it's all worth it.
But what if.....
What if...somehow... I could have done differently, and still had what I have now. Was it possible?
If you know about Hindu beliefs, you've probably heard of the WAY. There are many paths in life, and they are all part of the WAY. They are believed to all lead to one place, to Krishna, GOD, the WAY. I have spent years walking the path of the warrior. I'm not always successful, but I try to fight for what's right, to defend those in need, especially protect the ones I love. But what if that was never MY way.
At one point I walked a different path. When I was young, I walked a path of love. Pacifism. Only fight when necessary; only to disable, never to kill or maim. NO EXTREMES, only moderation. Balance, love. Was that my true path? Have I made so many mistakes, done so many horrible things, that I've strayed from my path for so many years? Has GOD just been merciful in allowing me the happiness I should have had? How do I get back on the RIGHT path?
Then I heard a voice.
"You don't." he said. "You are already on your path."
The voice was kind, compassionate, and patient. It radiated with love, with light. It was the voice of Krishna.
On a typical day, if you ask, I'll tell you I'm Christian, but the truth of my beliefs is far more complex. I know in my heart that GOD, that Krishna, are one and the same. So it came as know surprise to me, that since I was thinking in the lines of Hindu religion and philosophy, that HE would speak to me back in the same way. Krishna, Bhudha, Yahwee; they are all just GOD. Personifications, representations of man. He speaks to us however, and in whatever form we will hear him; if only we choose to listen.
"but what have I done? Did I lose my chance at that path? Did I make a mistake? Will I ever have the chance again?" I thought.
"You ARE on YOUR path." he said. "You always have been."
I felt a cold chill then. It ran through me, in me, touching every place deep in me that I had hidden. I knew I couldn't hide from this though; not from this truth. Not from HIM. I may not like the truth I would find, but I had searched, I had asked for that truth. Now I would have to face it.
"That was never my path. I have always lied to myself," I thought. "Love is not enough. Even if it was, I have too much anger in me now. I feed on it, literally, from myself and others, like a drug, and that's always who I've really been. I could never really turn the other cheek, not when it mattered. That was never me."
I felt Krishna brush through my mind, my soul, and I knew it was true. I began to despair a little. Where did that leave me? How could I reach a higher path, when I struggled so long on this one?
"You walk the path." Krishna spoke again. "In time, in another life, that path will come; but it is not for here, for now. Walk YOUR path, and find salvation in it."
How? I pleaded. How do I find a higher self on this path, when I don't even know how to walk it?
"Walk your path," he said again. "Walk it in the truest form. Accept your path, and who you are, and it will be the WAY."
I thought. I wondered how to do that. How do I accept this path? How do I make it righteous? How do I not make the same mistakes, and carry the same burdens I've brought from my past?
"With love," Krishna said. "Fight for me, and when you do battle, and it IS righteous, there will be no shame. No guilt. Carry your faith, and champion in my name for the weak, and you WILL WIN. Fight only with love; for yourself, for the ones you protect, for the ones you try against. There is no place for anger or hate in my name. THAT is the true path of the warrior. THAT is the WAY."
"and will I grow? will I learn to be more, to be a better man this way? will I find the higher path?"
"There is no higher path. There is only the WAY." he said. "Do not search longer for what is not there. All paths are the same. Life demands diversity. Diversity demands many paths; they are all the same in my eyes. "
"I will try" I said. " I will try to walk the path form now on. But what about all I've done, what about the mistakes I may make? They aren't my path, they aren't the WAY."
"You still do not understand," Krishna said. "It has always been YOUR path. It has ALWAYS been YOUR way. You have walked your path, you have walked it because of who you are. It is because of who you are that I love you. That is the path. Love of your family, love of your friends, love of life, MY love. Love IS the WAY."
I felt something new then. I felt LOVE. Glorious, beautiful, breathtaking love. The love of my wife, of my children, of my siblings and my family and my friends and just wondrous....LOVE.
I'm not ashamed to say I cried a little then. The tears rolled gently down my cheek; but for once not out of fear. Not out of anger or hate. Not out of shame for a love from a God that I felt should have forsaken me years ago. I cried... out of love.
"Time, Understanding, Love," he spoke one last time. "THAT is the WAY."