Samael

Hi guys! My name’s Samael, and I’m your friendly neighborhood archangel, here to tell you a bedtime story!

Oh…I see you’ve heard of me. Alright, so maybe I’m the Angel of Death. And the Prince of Demons. I’ve got a lot of names, I do a lot of jobs. Maybe I tempt some humans here and there. I will concede that based upon my reputation, one might get the idea that I’m…evil. But here’s what you’ve got to understand. Humans need temptation. It’s easy to be good and righteous if you never have any reason to sin. The thing is, it’s not supposed to be easy. My buddy God, he wants to know that you’ve earned your way to Heaven, not because you just happened to be alright, but because you cared. Because you chose him. So that’s why I’m around! To make you choose! I’m all sorts of bad, so the wee humans can try to be good – and fail miserably. Case in point: Adam and Eve. They were some bad apples if I ever saw any. I’m sure you already know about the whole forbidden fruit thing, which, contrary to what you’ve probably heard, was a grape, and (surprise!) may or may not have been my doing. Anyway. A few hundred years after the fruit debacle, I decide it’s time for another little test.

My wife Lilith is smokin’, so naturally, I’m the proud father of a small horde of little rugrats. I love my children, really, I do. There’s Samael Jr., Samael III, Samael IV, Samaela, Samael V, and so on and so forth, right on up to good ol’ Sammy CCCLXI, if I remember correctly. They’re just beautiful, and so very useful, let me tell ya. So at the time, my boy Samael LXVI was being an absolute little shit. He’s antagonizing his mother, me, his siblings, the other angels, even the Lord himself in his infinite patience was getting annoyed. To be honest, I’d never been prouder. *wipes tear*

I’ve gotta at least try to be a good parent though, so I figure, why not kill two birds with one stone? I take the tiny ingrate and zoom on down to earth to go visit my two least favorite idiots, Adam and Eve. The meathead is nowhere to be seen, but Mrs. Meathead is lazing in the sun, eating some grapes. As if they weren’t the literal cause of all of her problems ever. You see why I don’t think highly of these two? They aren’t exactly a brain trust. Anyway, I ask the wench if she’ll watch the boy while I run an errand. Simple logic, right? Eve, sinful as she is, will be so very tempted to hurt the little brat, and knowing her and her lummox of a husband, my progeny will get the whooping he deserves. Then I'll come back, grab LXVI, curse them both for treating him so poorly, and go on my merry way with a suitably chastened tiny asshole. It’s a win for everyone! And by everyone, I mean me.

As predicted, Eve accepts my son and I fly off to wreak havoc elsewhere for a bit. Like, twenty minutes. I don’t even leave him for very long. Yet as I am gleefully tormenting the world’s surplus of other fools, I feel it. A disturbance in the force. Something terrible has happened, of the kind that even I think is the worst. I return to Adam and Eve’s pathetic hut immediately. Lunkhead has shown up, and yet my beautiful precious jerk of a child has disappeared, and I just know. I know exactly what happened. He was probably being a whiny little turd and I can just see it play out in my head. Sammy, he loved to scream. So much. I’ve never seen a kid that loves to scream like Sammy did. He's doing his thing, howling his best, and Eve is already at her wit’s end when Tweedledum comes back to camp. As God Almighty’s patience is endless, Adam’s is finite. He whacks my boy, to no effect. That’s fine by me, the kid had it coming. But my brat didn’t stop, so neither did the brute. He literally beat my boy to death. Sammy, being the special kind of asshole that he was, didn't stop just because he became a corpse. He kept up the caterwaul. So the original sinners, creative souls that they were, cut his little body into pieces, cooked them, and then…they ate him. Am I being clear here? Are you getting this?

THEY. ATE. MY. SON.

The moment I realize this, I ask them, “Hey, remember the little tyke I dropped off say, twenty minutes ago? I’d like him back now, please,” and these fools have the gall to tell me that they don’t know what I’m talking about. They're all, "Huh? Kid? What kid? You have kids? We don't even know what children look like." Idiots. Sixty-six, though, he was a clever one. As they're making their pathetic excuses I hear his little voice from within them, “Hey, Dad, it's cool, I’m still kickin' in here! I’m going to haunt these jerks and their descendants forever!” Let me tell you, my own heart had never been so full as right then. My child, growing up before my eyes and haunting generations all on his own! I am one proud papa. Anyway, there’s some other mumbo jumbo about a special book and a boat that I’m supposed to talk about, but who cares? My kid’s a hero, other kids suck, humans suck, and I get to help them suck forever.

So there ya go, kiddoes! A bedtime story, courtesy of yours truly. Sleep well, sweet dreams! I’m off to go tempt some future sinners! And remember, kids. Never trust babysitters. Because they might just cut your children into pieces and eat them.

The End

P.S. I just realized Lilith is going to kill me. Pray, my friends. Pray.

Author's Note: In the original story, there's a larger plot happening. This little tidbit about Adam and Eve eating Samael's son is only told as an explainer for how this book of knowledge (i.e. how to build the Ark) comes into the hands of Noah's dad, Enoch, and then into the hands of Noah. After this incident, the book is taken from Adam and hidden, until it's revealed to Enoch way later.

I thought this little anecdote was really interesting/horrifying, so I decided to focus in on it. After a little research, I discovered some info about Samael being the Angel of Death and Prince of Demons, married to Lilith but still an archangel serving God. Lilith is a demon, sometimes said to have been Adam's wife before Eve. It's said she left him for Samael, and they had a host of demon children. I added the stuff about Samael existing to tempt humans because it's the only way I could see his demonic nature not being contradictory with his serving God. As I started writing, I had a pretty clear (and rather Deadpool-inspired) voice in my head for Samael, so I went with it. I wanted him to be snarky and confident and villainous without losing the sort of caring that would still put him on God's side. As a dad, he kind of sucks, but at the end of the day he still tries to be as of a decent father as his nature allows.

The audio version of this story exists courtesy of Kyle McCarver, to whom I am very grateful.

Bibliography: The Holy Book, from The Legends of the Jews by Louis Ginzberg. Source.

Background Info:

Samael - Wikipedia

Samael - Jewish Encyclopedia

Lilith - Wikipedia

Lilith - Jewish Encyclopedia

Images:

Samael. Source.