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S2 E10: Codependency

In Season 2, Episode 10, Kris and Lauren discuss two men with their stereotypical, heteronormative gender role flags flying high.


Kris’ profile highlights include: an arrogant, defensive dude who wants you to “be aware of your thinking before you speak” and offer him “soulful telepathy;” Venice (maybe?), a devil goat mask, fancy cars, and not a smile in sight. We get into a conversation about conservatism in Toronto and obnoxious indoctrination. Overall we imagine this person being domineering and not in a fun way.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: a well-rounded profile narrative that gets deflated by overt sexism, photo overkill, and icky vibes. Neither of us can let go of dating memes filled with attractive young white people and comic sans font from sources like “Success Foundation” and “Business Mindset 101.” Overall, we felt compelled to say, “We get it: you wear suits, you have a boat, you have a bike, you like to be around attractive women, and you live in Chicago. You also seem to think women should stick by you but you owe them nothing. Screw you and your sexist business dating memes.”


Pop over to our website to learn more about codependency in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home


The More You Know: Codependency

In this episode, there were some aspects of each profile that made us wonder whether there might be some codependency at play. The first guy referred to appreciating “soulful telepathy” while the second posted a “romance” meme (from a business site! Kris still hasn’t let go of that) that states, “The best relationship is where you can be lovers and best friends at the same time.”

To the first guy, we can’t believe we have to say this, but: people can’t read minds. Apologies to those who make a living doing so, but for the most part mind-reading isn’t a thing and is not the basis for a good relationship. Communication is key!! Say what you mean and do so out loud – save the mind games for off-strip Vegas performers.

For the guy who wants to find someone to be their lover and their best friend, that could happen. And it does happen. It’s also important to recognize that one person can’t be everything to you. It’s a lot of pressure to be all things to one person. Having other close friends and/or family members to round out your social life provides that solid base of emotional support everyone needs (and gives the other person space to breathe).

So, what does this have to do with codependency? Codependency is the absence of separation between two people in a relationship. It’s when two people don’t have healthy boundaries between each other and that results in a blurring of the self and other that can result in a loss of identity and inner strength.

A person in a codependent relationship:

  • Feels the need to have the other person around all the time

  • Has a hard time saying no to/hearing no from the other person

  • Doesn’t have any hobbies that differ from the other person

  • Bases their self-worth and happiness on the other person and how well the relationship is doing

There’s a lot more to it than that; our goal here is to just introduce the concept and provide some initial thoughts. If this sort of sounds like you, or sounds like an ideal relationship for you and now we’re telling you it’s not, what can you do about it?

  1. Talk to a counselor: there are many people who specialize in addressing healthy boundaries in relationships and getting support can really help you identify where your challenges are.

  2. Read a book! There are several books on codependency. Here are a couple that some counselor friends of ours suggest:

    1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

    2. Codependency by Dr. Stephanie Sharp

    3. Reinventing Your Life by Drs. Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

  3. Engage in forms of self-care that focus on doing things by yourself so you can learn to feel comfortable on your own.

  4. Create mantras about how you are enough (because you are!) and say them out loud every day.

  5. Remember to be kind to yourself: It’s OK to learn something about yourself that might be difficult to realize. It’s all part of the growing process! Good on you for engaging in some self-reflection.

We support you wherever you are in your life journey and support the use of respectful communication and clear boundaries in any and all relationships.

Also, in this Episode, we talk about the red bracelet Madonna wears. Here’s an article from the New York Post about that (only the most quality references here!).


S2 E9: What to do if you can’t post a picture of yourself

In Season 2, Episode 9, Kris and Lauren discuss a woman who brags about dating royalty (whatever) and a dude who can’t show his face.


Kris’ profile highlights include: Fabulous curly hair, beautiful scenery, alcohol-focused activities, trust issues, and the benefits of framing things in the positive. Lauren also expresses their opinion about royalty. Overall, we both found this woman physically attractive yet her negative energy turned us off.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: A faceless profile, discreet encounters, a well-written description, and when Lauren would swipe right without seeing a face. While we support ethical non-monogamy, we were skeptical of the sincerity of their profile. Still, we give benefit of the doubt. And we encourage everyone to be their fabulous selves.

Pop over to our website to learn more about what to do if you can’t post pictures of yourself in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home


The More You Know: What to do if you can’t post a picture of yourself

While we have already talked about what to do if you hate having your picture taken (see Season 2 Episode 6), there are other cases where you simply can’t. We understand. There are many reasons why this might be the case: Your kids might also be online dating (see Season 1 Episode 4). You might not be out about who and how you date (e.g., you might practice ethical non-monogamy, date multiple genders and not everyone knows, or have kinks that are important to you and aren’t out about publically). You might have a career that isn’t really conducive to being in a dating app (politician, counselor). You may know some people you want to avoid are on the app. So many reasons. How do you get people to swipe right when they can’t see your face?


  1. Describe yourself: do your best to highlight your amazing features including height, hair/eye color*, body shape, fashion sense...anything that helps someone imagine you.

  2. Take pictures of parts of you, but not all. A cool closeup of an eye, hand, or leg might grab someone’s attention. Be careful not to include any identifying marks or tattoos though!

  3. Explain why you can’t use pictures of yourself. No need to go into detail here; a brief explanation will help people better understand your situation and be more likely to empathize.

  4. Include interesting pictures that provide a sense of who you are. Yes, you are supposed to do this anyway, and it’s even more important in this situation! Provide travel pictures, a quote or meme that captures your essence, and/or your favorite* meal. Be creative!


While these are some tips we can offer, please know the reality is that people are much less likely to swipe right if there is no photo. Be patient. Be yourself. You are worth dating and there are humans out there you will meet someday that will realize just that.


* Dr. Kris has now lived in Canada long enough that she had to correct her spelling to the American format. For those of you in Canada and other like-minded locations, consider describing your eye/hair colour and add a picture of your favourite meal :-).



S2 E8: Connecting to the BDSM Community

In Season 2, Episode 8, Kris and Lauren discuss Kris landing in Canada officially, the merits of poutine, and Glory Holes. Oh and there were profiles, too: a well-put together man who loves submissives and the funniest profile we’ve ever read.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: phone dicking around, soap bar emojis, funky wallpaper, beer university, successful subtle displays of money, and questioning strategies around BDSM signaling. Overall, we liked this gorgeous human, and our sub selves regret not swiping right and getting into some consent conversations.


We also reference the HUD application which we discussed in Season 2, Episode 1.


Kris’ profile highlights include: stockyards boxing university educated sexy man beast in a ratty santa hat with the most absurd profile narrative we’ve ever encountered. This human would do so much more than just walk 500 miles to be with you (pepper spray? fighting a polar bear? expired milk?), but he won’t make his bed or put the dustbuster away. Also, attention to our emotional availability when swiping. Overall, we were impressed with his writing and unimpressed by his dirty ass pad.


The More You Know: Connecting to the BDSM community


In Season 2, Episode 8 Kris and Lauren talk about a profile Lauren found that included the line “I <3 SUBMISSIVES” with very little other text. We thought this might be a good moment to pause and say a little more about ways to connect with the BDSM community.


Some people connect to others engaging in BDSM through one-on-one paths like meeting on Tinder or out in the world. We think of these as one-off meetings. Another way to connect to the community is through long standing online resources and in person gatherings of BDSM practitioners.


Why enter through a community?

While you can bump into other BDSM practitioners who are well-trained and safe, it is much more likely to happen by using one of the websites or in person practices that are created and managed by a community of people committed to building a safe and supportive BDSM community. Because BDSM involves explicit engagement with power and vulnerability, it can attract some people who may want to exploit others. It also can create problems if someone doesn’t do the work to learn healthy practices for sharing and negotiating practices in safe, equitable ways. We often have to unlearn some practices informally taught to people by society (e.g., sexual scripts that are heteronormative and don’t often involve communication and negotiation).


Supportive community can help people explore, learn, and grow. Communities often have norms established, may have robust training expectations before someone is invited to play (e.g., Often very protective, some requiring people to attend six workshops on consent and safety practices before being invited to a play party), or invite only expectations.


So in the content that follows, we link to a bunch of different resources to help you learn more about ways to connect to the community. This is by no means exhaustive! But we hope it’s a helpful start...


Finding in person or online events: MALL or FetLife.

Spend some time reading and learning about BDSM before you connect with people. There’s no rush, the community isn’t going anywhere. Some people to learn from:


One of the most important features of the BDSM / Kink community is attention to safety and consent. It is crucial to develop self-awareness and skills for communicating what you want and don’t want, as well as strategies for indicating when you’re up against an edge and need to stop (e.g., safe words or safe signals that are used to stop play).

Different shorthand expressions have been used over the years:


  • SSC Safe Sane Consensual

  • RACK Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

  • PRICK Personal-responsibility informed consent

  • 4C's 4C's- Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution


Language is always evolving. Learn more here and here and here.


Bottom line, consent, negotiation, and play in the BDSM community is much more intentional and specific than what people outside the community typically practice. Good BDSM practitioners are some of the best people to learn consent from, whether you’re going to engage in BDSM or not. We strongly recommend googling and attending workshops led by community members.


Read, go to workshops to learn from trained professionals, take your time and ease into practices.



S2 E7: In-person story time! What happens when you see a familiar face?

In Season 2, Episode 7, Kris and Lauren have an in-person storytime on what comes up when you see someone you know on an app. Neighbors, friends you thought were married, people you have an intense connection with and aren’t sure what you want, students popping up, people you work with… oh my!


Lauren’s storytime highlights include: A story about responding to their neighbor crush and swiping into the void, and a story about an undecided connection leading them to avoid swiping all together.


Kris’ storytime highlights include: Learning major social circle news through a dating app and being miffed when a former dating partner swiped left.

Pop over to our website to learn more about respectful communication with people you know in the physical world in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

The More You Know: Digital Matching with People you know in the Physical world


Through our discussion of swiping when people from our face-to-face lives are involved, we noted many different permutations of swiping and matching that could be at work. The common denominator is that we often have no idea what someone else is thinking about us. Crushes in the physical world aren’t inherently easier than digital ones, so when this crossover happens it can feel like a lot!


For example, maybe you have a crush on the person and swipe right into the void. Waiting for a match, or getting a match and waiting for a follow up message, can feel like torture. Or maybe you don’t swipe right but they swiped right on you -- you won’t know if this happened and shit can get weird!


To minimize confusion or tension for all people involved, we offer the suggestion to message or communicate with someone you know when you see them on an app (in app or separately) -- as long as you feel safe doing so. Please ignore this advice if you encounter an unhealthy ex or someone who you know who may disrespect your boundaries.


If you’re not interested in dating you can send the following:

  • Hey, lovely to see you on [app]. I’m looking for friends and would love to grab some time together if you’re interested.

  • Great profile! Swiped right to say hi and giggle over our shared online dating lives. Hope your dating matches are going well!


If you’re interested, be brave! Be Bold! Don’t leave people “on read”! Some suggested phrases:


  • Why hello crush, fancy meeting you here.

  • <3 a match, eh? Tell me more…. OR where should we take this next? Drinks?

  • Fancy meeting you here. What’s your usual opening on these things when it’s a stranger? Here’s mine...

  • Always fun to see someone I’m crushing on in digital dating land :)


If nothing else, from all of this you will likely have a good story to tell. We sure did ;)

S2 Ep 6: What if you hate having your picture taken?

In this episode, Kris and Lauren discuss a human who really doesn’t look like he wants to be online dating and a dude that we wish had more hesitancy.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: The challenges of smiling, a dull-colored wardrobe, an equally dull picture of an alley, potential self-deprecation, and choosing comedy as a passion. Overall we feel badly for how uncomfortable this person seems; we’re wincing just thinking about it.


Kris’ profile highlights include: Giant cakes on boats, classism, how to take respectful travel photos, being mindful of how your text pairs with your photos, reflecting on the brilliance of boasting about drunken hookups, and what our early 20-something profiles would have looked like. Overall, this profile left us speechless as to how wrong it is.


The More You Know: What if you hate having your picture taken?


Back in 2017, a dating app, Appetence, launched that had no photos. It didn’t last. Other apps that are chat first style still have you upload photos that are revealed as the connection grows.


Bottom line: humans are pretty visual creatures. We want to either see each other or have physical descriptions for the visually impaired.


It’s okay not to love photos of yourself, but remember that people want to know what you look like before swiping right on you. If you don’t have any pictures, you are highly unlikely to get swipes. Below are some suggestions:


  • If 3-5 photos is the sweet spot of photos to share, set your goal to have 1-2 photos of you minimum. Prioritize photos that showcase something about you that supports connection and conversation.

  • Ask a friend to take some covert photos of you while you’re hanging out. You will hopefully get used to the camera being out and they may catch you in a natural pose and meaningful environment.

  • Want to do it yourself? Here are some selfie-tips for the reluctant selfie maker:

    • Put on your favorite outfit so you’re feeling good.

    • Go somewhere you feel good - if that’s your living room, great! If that’s in a park down the street, fantastic.

    • Set a timer on your camera and try moving around a bit

    • Play with angles (e.g., close up, shooting from above).

    • Try to avoid the bathroom photo and please do not sit on the toilet if you do (S2Ep3).

    • Let your photo be natural and refrain from using too many filters, emojis, stickers, etc all over your face. People are going to (hopefully) see you eventually, so why not start now?

  • In addition to including 1-2 photos of you, consider including a photo that represents something important to you.

S2 Ep 5: Doing Personal Disclosure Right

In this episode, Kris and Lauren discuss some profiles shared by our listeners (aka our friends). Fascinatingly, these are the best and worst profiles we’ve reviewed so far.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: College crushes, Kris’s knowledge of booze and glassware, naked body shot culture, and gender norms and ethical non-monogamy. Overall, our most successful profile to date.


Kris’ profile highlights include: So. Much. Drama. Leading Kris to say “Even a porno and has dialogue” and Lauren to say “Like a fawn in the field…” Overall, this profile left us astonished. You gotta listen to believe.


Pop over to our website to learn more about how personal disclosures right in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home


The More You Know: Doing Personal Disclosure Right

In this episode, we share an example of someone who seems to be disclosing too much personal information up front. Other times we have criticized people for not saying enough about themselves. How do you know what’s the right amount? In this The More You Know, we draw from some research on strategic sharing that Kris also presented during this Science on Tap talk, Looking for Love in Virtual Places.


This may sound obvious and we will say it anyway: You need to say enough to make yourself sound interesting and give people something to talk/ask about in your profile.

  • Research that includes people considered highly successful in online dating suggests humor and some degree of openness lead to more matches.

  • Studies of social media posts show a decrease in relationship closeness when someone says too much too soon. Be cautious of oversharing or being overly negative too soon.

  • Research also shows people looking for more than a one-time hookup want a profile summary and photos: In other words, they want to see a person put forward some effort in their profile. People who are just looking for a hookup may be OK with just some pics.


So let’s get specific...

  • Consider posting a few high-level details about yourself if you feel it’s important to you for someone to know them up front. These might include the type of relationship you’re looking for, if you’re responsible for the care of others (got kids?), or sobriety.

  • Sharing some fun, but not over-the-top personal stuff can add a lot of personality. What is your favorite beverage? Ice cream flavor? Your next dream travel destination? The movie you can watch over and over again and still love it? Your clean-the-house playlist? Sharing something fun can draw people in.

  • How many pics also has a science to it. Three pictures is the sweet spot: people typically like to see what a potential partner looks like and too many photos can actually start to make your profile a little dull, especially if those photos don’t add to your story. Also, recent photos are a must; we advocate honesty in profiles! If you have a picture of yourself that’s more than two years old but it represents an important part of who you are, then caption it with a year and state why you’re including the photo (Ex: “Me in 2013 in the most beautiful city!” Or, “Me in 1996 the first day I played hockey -- my fave thing to do.”).

  • Positive disclosures increase closeness. Things like, a passion project, something that made you smile that day, or a fantasy trip you hope to take some day are all examples of positive sharing. Various research studies show that being a downer in in-person or online communication with someone you don’t know that well predicts lower bonding. Think twice before starting every communication with your horrible boss, your frustrating roommate, or your disdain for anchovies on pizza. That said, if you really want to relate around things that piss you off, check out this dating app.

  • And once you are in conversation with a match, share a little, then wait for your match to share about themselves. Then repeat the process. If someone is sharing a lot more than the other, that’s an imbalance in the relationship and not a great sign.



S2 Ep 4: Power Dynamics and Dating

In this episode, Kris and Lauren discuss interest from people 20 years+ our juniors. It gets weird.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: Teens!, pickup lines, snappy dressing, and sending affirmations. We respect the honesty in this profile, and it allows us to make an educated decision about not matching with him. We end on a commentary on power dynamics and how young men can also be survivors of abusive relationships.


Kris’ profile highlights include: Out-dated sunglasses, happy endings, online dating app algorithms, and a brief peek into what we were like in our 20s. We stray away from the profile sent and talk about the realities of dating someone half our age. For sunglass reference photo, check out these https://shopatshowcaseusa.com/products/tacglasses-blue-blocker

In this week’s The More You Know, we talk about power dynamics and dating.

Other random notes we promised you!

Lauren and Kris reference Mary Kay Letourneau and her complicated relationship with her former high school student, Vili Fualaau. For more information about this, visit: https://www.biography.com/personality/mary-kay-letourneau

Also, an article in Scientific American about how dating algorithms are bullshit: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/scientific-flaws-online-dating-sites/


The More You Know: Power Dynamics and Dating

Both Lauren and Kris talk at length about their hesitance to be with someone a lot younger than they are. While they talk about the realities of hanging out with a bunch of 20-year-olds, and the potential consequences of other people finding out about a young fling, they also bring up a lot of issues related to the inherent power differences of two people who are 25+ years apart getting together for a relationship or a hookup.


To follow up on this important concept, here is a thought exercise you can go through when assessing any power dynamics* that may be in your relationship. We think this is especially important if you begin to develop a longer-term relationship with your match.


*Note: We are not talking about power relationships within the BDSM community. That is something else entirely and we 100% support safe, consensual power relationships that have been agreed upon by all parties.


Step 1: What characteristics of social privilege do you have? We all have ways in which we experience privilege, and some do much more than others. Think about the groups you belong to -- consider gender, race, (dis)abilities, income level, education, class, language, level of attractiveness, body size, mental health status, sexual orientation, citizenship, and other domains -- and list ones where you hold more societal privilege than others. Having difficulties starting this exercise?


Step 2: What characteristics of privilege does your (potential) partner(s) have? Do the same exercise, to the best of your ability, for the person (or persons) you are, or are considering, dating. A quick word of caution: Not all identities, privileges, or marginalizations are obvious or visible. Engage with this exercise with humble good intentions knowing there is a lot you may not know. What questions does this exercise raise? Where do you align vs not align? Look at the two lists and write out where you have more privilege and where the other person does.


Another way to reflect on this if you don’t have a partner is to consider your biases, habits, and comfort levels. Who do you typically date? Why? How do you feel in your identities and cultures in those connections? Are there identities or cultures that make you feel less supported or safe? Consider which of your patterns are healthy and what could be rooted in bias that you want to unlearn. Consider what requests or boundaries you want to hold to ensure your identities and cultures are always respected in a connection, whether a hook-up or long term. For example, this could be respecting your religious practices, pronouns or other words you want used to describe you, and anything that you need to feel like your identities and cultural practices are being respected. Also consider how you can be open to feedback and requests from a future partner. How will you open doors for conversation?


Step 3: Reflect and (Maybe) Talk about It. Think about how your differences in social power might impact essential relationship issues. This may inspire you to identify questions you may ask, requests you may make, and other points of conversation. Here are questions that came up for us:

  • What do you want to learn about your partner’s lived experience? What do you want your partner to know about yours?

  • What questions come up around comfort dating across lines of difference?

    • For example, if you’re from two different religious or other cultural backgrounds, how supportive are your respective communities? What do you/your partner need to feel culturally respected?

  • What boundaries do you want to consider to respect the different ways you are coming to the relationship? This may be especially important to consider as it ties to consent (see Season 2, Episode 2 notes for more).

    • For example, if you are Credit Score Guy (Season 2, Episode 3), then be clear that buying a meal does not mean the other person “owes” anything sexual in return. Try to make get-togethers not always about things that cost money.


If you decide to have a conversation, we suggest focusing on logistics and/or deepening understanding about each other’s experiences around a specific identity that feels important. For example, as a genderqueer person, here are some questions Lauren would welcome if they were dating a cisperson (or from anyone they are dating, really):

  • Is there anything you want me to know about how to support you as a non-binary person?

  • I’d really like to tell other people about us. How would you like me to reference your gender when I do that? What terms and pronouns, if any, would you like me to use?


Remember, you don’t have to talk about all things at once. Building trust and getting to know each other takes time. And vulnerability is a two-way street; all parties should be offering vulnerable moments - inequity or imbalance in vulnerable sharing is a power dynamic in itself.


S2 Ep 3: Let's Talk about Money

In this episode, Kris and Lauren discuss a man who likes to bend over in a greenhouse and a woman who for some reason chose to take a selfie while sitting on the can.


Kris’ profile highlights include: Keg-looking things, bicep appreciation, a stunning woman stealing his thunder, and considering your “above the fold” content. And hay. This profile left us pondering credit scores and what they communicate -- intentionally or not.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: A TLC shoutout, a playful, pressure free profile narrative, cleavage shots, the challenges of fishnets, and phone hygiene tips. Overall, this profile reminded us how important it is for your profile pics to match your intentions/questioning this person’s happiness.

Read below to learn more about money talk on dating apps in this week’s The More You Know. For extra delight: Read these show notes while listening to Creep by TLC (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlZydtG3xqI).


The More You Know: Let's Talk about Money

Some men lead with their height, one of our profiles led with their credit score. Before you follow his lead and/or post that picture of your diamond watch or luxury sports car, here are some things to consider related to posting anything about money on your online dating profile:

  1. What message are you trying to convey with your stellar credit score? Are you trying to impress someone with your wealth status, your financial independence, and/or demonstrate your ability to be fiscally responsible? Maybe there are other ways to communicate your message rather than disclosing a personal financial record to do so (e.g., “I have a stable job,” or “I am lucky enough to afford to travel.”).

  2. What sorts of people are going to be drawn to your money talk? People who like you or someone who’s simply looking for a fancy dinner, no matter the company? Flaunting superficiality may draw more of the same (this may be OK with you, just think about it!).

  3. Are you needing someone with similar financial values as you? If so, then say so! If something is important to you, saying it directly is a more clear way to communicate goals. For example, state “I’m fiscally conservative/thrifty/careful with my money and seek the same,’ if that’s what you want in a person.

  4. Do you see a lot of your own worth tied up in your financial success? We think you have a lot more to offer others than a large bank account. Flaunt all the amazing things about you, not just your net worth.



S2 Ep 2: CONSENT! Always get FRIES with that

In this episode of B4 U Swipe, Kris and Lauren discuss a woman in a time capsule and a dude that teases us with over-promised shirtlessness.


Kris’ profile highlights include: Big hair, a soft focus, and a feeling of inauthenticity. Overall, the profile left us confused about what decade the single photo was taken in.


Lauren’s profile highlights include: the importance of height, bare shoulders, two elephant trunks, and why people choose to post pictures of themselves with exotic animals. Overall, the profile made us hope that the guy wasn’t as insensitive to animals as he might be.


The More You Know: CONSENT! Always get FRIES with that


To improve all of our skills for engaging in affirming consent practices that respect people’s boundaries, we thought we’d review some consent basics and pro-tips for accepting boundaries.


Consent can seem like a simple yes or no question. However, in practice there can be a lot more layers and things to consider. All of this comes down to power and control. We want everyone in every relationship to feel empowered, meaning they can control their body and activities and access the resources they need to be healthy and well.


In sex educational land, we often describe consent with the acronym FRIES (because everyone wants fries with that shake… get it?). Planned Parenthood explains it like this:

  • Freely Given: We want people to feel empowered and in control. Consent cannot be given if a person is threatened, forced, blackmailed, or tricked into saying yes. This also means we have to think about power dynamics in relationships, like boss-employee, elder-youth, person with money-person financially struggling, etc.

  • Reversible: Even if someone has said they consent to an activity, they can change their mind at any point. Their partner should respect that change and not pressure them to continue or shame them for changing their mind.

  • Informed: Someone can only consent if they know the facts to what they are consenting to.

  • Enthusiastic: Consent is about saying yes to something that a person really wants to do. They are not saying yes because they have been pressured or guilt tripped by a partner until they give in

  • Specific: Saying yes to one thing does not give consent for something else. Saying yes to a specific act does not give consent for any other behavior

If you’re not sure what this looks like in practice, Planned Parenthood also generously created a consent video series. It mostly features the youth, so just imagine the people a little saggier and creakier and hopefully with slightly more skills.


FRIES are great, but that isn’t the whole story of consent and boundary setting. There are a few more things we need to have a fun and mutual consent-driven conversation.

  1. Self-awareness. Before connecting, we have to check in with ourselves. What do we like, what do we want, what are we curious about with the right person, and what is a hard no for us right now? (Re)Visit our last episode notes which focused on Sexual inventory checklists!

  2. Curiosity about others. Obvi, partnered sex isn’t just about you. Paramount in a good, healthy encounter is some healthy curiosity about whomever else you’re playing with. What do they like? What are they interested in trying with you? What are their hard nos?

  3. Commitment to Respect Boundaries/Limits. We all want to believe we are committed to consent, but the default way of approaching sex in the USA is as a competition. We are trying to WIN-WIN-WIN! Get to home base! Hit a homer! Don’t strike out! We also approach it through a scarcity framework (<--- academic nerd coming out). This means we act like each opporutnity to have sex may be our last, which turns each encounter into a high stakes event. Don’t even get us started on how gender norms amplify and antagonize these dynamics, particularly for straight gender binary people. We have to deprogram ourselves consciously to say “orgasm isn’t the mission” (especially since we can get one of those anytime on our own) and my worth is not dictated by my sexual experiences. If we focus on positive sensations and mutuality as the goals, we could be just as deeply satisfied with a fantastic make out session as from a big O.


These are just a few extra pieces to round out your meal, no matter if it’s a supersized happy meal or a steak at a French cafe, make sure you have FRIES with that.



S2 Ep 1: Sexual Inventory Lists

In this episode of B4 U Swipe, Kris and Lauren discuss Lauren’s experience of trying a new app that seems SO PROMISING in the beginning and then goes downhill from there.


In this episode, we discuss gender identity, survey consistency, and how much detail to share about sexual desires and pleasures in a publicly accessible dating profile.


Inspired by the "what's in your bedroom" component of HUD, we wonder, what’s on your yes, no, maybe list?


The More you Know: Yes, No, Maybe: Sexual Inventory lists and why they can be useful


What’s a Sexual Inventory?

Simply put, a Sexual Inventory is a list of a wide variety of sexual activities and practices that a person can read through and decide whether or not each item is something they are interested in or not. Lauren and Kris give high praise to sexual inventories during Storytime.


Why do they think these lists are so great? For many reasons!

  • Learn about yourself: Reading through a list of sexual activities helps you better understand yourself in more ways than just increasing sexual awareness. It can help you see where you enjoy power and control vs, less so. It can help you learn about your boundaries. Even if you’ve sat down with a list before, do it again! Our sexual tastes change over time.

  • Learn about other sexual practices you didn’t know about before: Long lists of sexual activities often mean there are some new things you’ve never heard of before! How exciting! Jot down the ones you don’t know and look them up. Pay attention to how you react to them and see if they are things you might want to add to your list. If the ideas excite you, maybe find some sexually explicit material depicting the practice to see how you react. Don’t like what you read or see? Great! You now know what a particular practice is, so if someone brings it up with you, you will know how you feel about it and can communicate accordingly!

  • Expand your sexual fantasy bank! As you read each item in a Sexual Inventory, ask yourself:

    • How does my body feel when I read about a particular activity? Don’t just focus on your genital area (sometimes our genitals react and the rest of us doesn’t!). Consider your heart, stomach, mind -- all of you!

    • Can I envision myself participating? Have fun exploring that idea with different people. Close your eyes and really get into it.

    • If you don’t think a particular activity is something you might want to try, and you still find it appealing, consider adding it to your fantasy ideas. Then, the next time you masturbate, think about that practice and see where it takes you. Fantasies can be great and they don’t have to ever become reality.

  • Learn about you in relationship with another person: Sexual Inventories aren’t just for one person, You can take them with another, or you can each take the inventory separately and then share your results. Doing so will allow you to share your desires and perhaps find new things to try. Great sex is often a part of a good life and learning what turns a partner on can accomplish both those things. Another way you can learn about yourself in relation to another is to take an Inventory more than once: First, think only about you when answering the questions. Then, read the list again and respond while thinking about a particular person. Then again with a different person and see how your answers might change!

  • Helps you communicate with sexual partners: Sometimes it’s difficult to talk about our sexual desires. Actually, a lot of the time it’s difficult. Taking a Sexual Inventory List -- whether with someone or on your own -- can help you find the words to share what you do and don’t like. If it’s hard to say the words out loud, sharing your list with partners and reading their list can help start the conversation going. Even reading the list to another person -- and hearing answers -- is great practice towards opening up sexual conversations.


Where can I find a good one?

Has all our hype about a Sexual Inventory got you curious? Great! Here are two that we love to get you started.


Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist Don’t knock this one just because it’s on a sex ed site for teens. Scarlet Teen is an excellent resource for adults too! We like its comprehensiveness and the different categories, such as Safer Sex and Non-Physical Sexual Activities (though this particular list does have some dated language).


The Superpowered Yes/No/Maybe List

http://www.bextalkssex.com/yes-no-maybe/ This inventory from “transmasc queerdo,” “kinster,” sex educator Bex Caputo is more complicated, and that means you get to think more about your likes and dislikes! For example, in the “Sex and Kink” section, you don’t just state whether or not you are into an activity -- you also indicate whether you’re a Top, Bottom, or have never tried something. There’s a section on Feelings too!