Journal of Ava G. Watts - Selected Entries (Harvard Years)
September 18 2024
The campus still doesn’t feel real. Everything is too clean, too intentional, like it was assembled instead of grown. People move with purpose here, even when they’re pretending not to. I’ve started mapping my routes between buildings so I don’t have to think about where I’m going. It helps. Fewer variables.
Classes are already faster than anything back home. I like it, though. There’s comfort in not having time to overthink.
October 2
First lab practical today. I didn’t hesitate once. Hands steady, steps memorized, timing exact. It’s strange how everything becomes simple when there’s a procedure to follow. No ambiguity. No guessing what someone means. Just action and outcome.
I wish conversations worked that way.
November 11
Group work is… difficult. Not because I don’t understand the material, but because everyone else seems to understand each other without saying things directly. There are layers I don’t always catch.
One of them said I’m “intense.” I asked what that meant. They laughed like I was joking. I wasn’t.
December 3 2024
I had an episode today. Mild, but enough to throw me off. The room felt… misaligned. Like everything was shifted half an inch to the left. I checked my vitals twice just to ground myself.
I didn’t tell anyone. I won’t.
I can manage this. I am managing this.
January 14 2025
New semester. Heavier course load. Good. Idle time is when things slip.
I’ve started running in the mornings. Not fast, but consistent. It keeps my breathing controlled, predictable. There’s something reassuring about knowing exactly how your body should feel.
February 27
Observed in the ER tonight as part of rotations. Controlled chaos. That’s the only way to describe it.
Everyone was moving quickly, but not randomly. Decisions made in seconds, but built on years of knowledge. I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I felt… clear.
One patient kept asking if he was going to die. No one answered him directly. I did.
“No. Not tonight.”
He believed me. That mattered.
March 10
I’ve noticed something: patients who are scared or disoriented don’t unsettle me the way they do others. Some of the students avoid eye contact when someone starts rambling or asking repetitive questions.
I don’t.
Maybe because I understand the feeling of not trusting what you’re experiencing.
If that’s the case, then maybe this isn’t just something I deal with. Maybe it’s something I can use.
April 6
Sleep has been inconsistent. Not insomnia exactly, just reluctance. It feels like if I stop paying attention, things might… drift.
I know that’s not rational. Writing it down makes that obvious.
Still setting alarms. Still sticking to routine.Structure is holding.
May 22
Final evaluations came back. Near perfect in clinical performance. One note stood out:
“Exceptional composure under pressure. Shows strong patient empathy without emotional compromise.”
I read it three times. Not because I’m proud, because I’m trying to decide if it’s accurate.
June 9
I don’t feel like I belong here socially. I think I’ve accepted that. But academically, clinically, I can keep up. More than that, I can excel.
Maybe belonging isn’t necessary. Function is.
August 30
There’s a thin line between perception and interpretation. Most people don’t notice it because theirs align automatically. Mine don’t always.
But if I can recognize the difference, even briefly, that might be enough.
In medicine, “close enough” can still save a life, if you correct quickly.
October 12
Another ER shift. Pediatric case this time. Harder than adults. Always is.
The mother was panicking. I focused on the child instead. Stable breathing, responsive pupils, manageable vitals. Facts over noise.
Later, one of the residents told me I’m “good at separating.”
That’s one way to describe it.
December 1 2025
Graduation is approaching. I should feel something stronger about it. Pride, maybe. Relief.
Instead, it feels like completing a step in a process that doesn’t end.
There’s always another environment, another system, another unknown.
I think I’m ready for that.
Or at least, I know how to prepare.
Journal of Ava G. Watts - Selected Entries (The Foundation)
February 14 2026
I applied for a job as a Nurse with some weird looking company, seems weird but could be interesting, Hope I get the job.
Oh god, I need a job.
March 23
I got an interview with that weird company. They said they were called the foundation and they are a government agency.
I think I did well, I hope I get the position.
Think of how many friends I could make...
April 7
I got the job! I am now employed by “The Foundation”.
I start in 2 days and they said they will pick me up from the airport.
They bought me a one way ticket to Alaska, I might need to pack a cardigan.
April 9
This job is not what I expected.
This is a weird company,
Fun but weird. I have made some friends though, Guppy is my favorite.
April 18
This job has evolved in so many ways that I couldn’t have predicted.
I love it but at the same time it’s scary. Their voices came back for a bit, I might need to get a new prescription soon.
I met a Nice IA Lady today. Her name is Aegis, I think. Her card said Andrea, who knows anymore, all I know is that she is nice, she makes me feel safe.
I want to learn more about the ethics side of things, Aegis has made it clear to me that this is what's important, no more politics just ethics.
April 20
I had a breakdown on the surface today, I couldn’t get to my lunchbox so I snuck into the Facility to get my lunch from medbay. The music wasn’t great on the PA system.
I got dragged out of site by some NU-7 (that's the surface guards), I need my meds, The voices are trying to hurt me.
April 21
I don’t need meds, I am fine, I am sane and there is nothing wrong with me.
April 21 - PM
I seem to have had another mental break. Guppy got me some new meds. I hope I didn't make a bad reputation for myself already, I can't lose this job, I’ve worked too hard for it already.
April 23
Today was a good day, Aegis helped me out a lot.
Apparently I stabbed myself with a syringe of something called a Class-A Amnestic, I don't remember that much but I remember fighting upstairs and then I woke up in medbay on the floor. Guppy helped make sure I was okay, Still feel fuzzy but eh fuck it, we’ll see how I go.
April 24
I did a surgery and a Checkup today, A D-Class had his femur shattered so we had to make sure he wouldn't succumb to the injury, and Mister Reaper from Security wanted a checkup, His stats were incredible.
I've been hearing the voices more and more since I got here, I've taken my meds but hopefully it actually does something today, they didn't work yesterday...
Antinomia yelled at me, that wasn't fun, I don't like them.
April 26
I got a medal, The Nighingale's Red Cross for Fixing the MRI machine. I only did it to help, but a medal... My god.
April 29
Today was, eventful and painful... I got to help in a surgery and I did my first Solo Surgery on Gravitas, I fixed his hand!
In other new I am now in recovery as I was beaten nearly to death by a massive creature, I had Major Internal Bleeding, 6 Broken Ribs, a shattered collarbone, a dislocated shoulder and 4 broken fingers in my left hand, I got patched up by Sanguine and Guppy, Sanguine is a nice guy and a Great Medic, I really think he deserves more than he has. Guppy... he's really nice and I think he is kinda cute too... anyway I need to rest, that shit hurt alot.
May 4
I had a psych eval today, I hope I passed