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Finding redemption
Forest (Artwork by HeeWann Kim)
Ashwatthaman goes into hiding in the forest right after the Pandava massacre. He sees a small cave within the forest and decides to enter. A small river runs through the cave. He scoops the water with his palms and cleans the dirt and blood off his face. He feels numb as he cannot stop envisioning the bodies of the women and children he killed. Regardless of the heavy regret he feels, he realizes the monster he has become.
"What have I done?" he thought to himself. He believed that killing his father's murderers would bring him peace but in reality, he feels the opposite. He wonders what his mother would think of him and what is happening to her.
He goes into exile for the first few decades unsure of what is to come. Every good deed he offers to the universe had failed to fill his emptiness. He feels nothing. Everyone is out for him. They aren't looking to capture him, but they are hunting to end him for the heinous crime he had committed. He imprisons himself in his own cave hiding away from the outside world.
Decades and decades pass with new generations entering in a cycle. Everyone he knew passes away. Slowly, Aswatthaman is able to come out of hiding as stories of the Pandava massacre have become an old tale now. Everyone who lived to tell is far gone from this lifetime.
Ashwatthama continues living a simple life. He avoids anyone and everyone as there is no point. Occasionally, he leaves his cave to hunt for food or sometimes even buy food at a market in town if he dares. Images of his past still creep into his mind. He begs the gods when the screams echo in his dreams every night. Although he is alive and will be for the rest of eternity, he feels dead inside.
One day in the late 1800s, Ashwatthama decides to visit the town close by to buy some clothes as his old ones have worn out. As he enters the store, he catches a glimpse of a woman. For the first time in forever, Ashwatthama can feel his heart beating fast. He starts feeling something but is unsure of exactly what. He stumbles and tips over a rack of clothes. The woman chuckles and gives him a hand.
"A bit clumsy I see," says the woman.
"I guess so," he says. She smiles.
Ashwatthama keeps trying to calm himself down.
"I'm Nadia," she says.
"Ash-" he answers before pausing.
Nadia says, "What a beautiful name, Ash."
And just like that, it is love at first sight. Ashwatthama never knew that he could ever feel again. Nadia is unlike any other woman he has met in his lifetime. She grew up alone as an orphan and is very independent. She owns a flower market right across the street from the same clothing store where they had met. A few months later, the pair gets married.
Nadia understands Ash regardless of what he did in the past. He was initially afraid of telling Nadia about his past but he knew that it would eat him alive if he didn't. Nadia is kind and sweet. She finds it in her heart to see how much Ashwatthama has changed and that he is unlike his past self. Even when Ashwatthama tells her his real full name, she keeps calling him Ash. "Don't let your past define you, Ash" as she would always say. She believes in him and that he is truly good.
Two years into the marriage, Ashwatthama is still working at the flower shop helping Nadia and they became the "it" couple of the town. However, Nadia starts feeling ill. She gets progressively worse day by day. They decide to see a doctor when they find out that Nadia is dying and there is no cure. Ashwatthama breaks down while Nadia assures him that she will always be with him. They continue on with their lives living their day and night to the fullest.
"We'll meet again very soon in the next lifetime," she says.
Nadia passes away on November 26, 1898, in the arms of her husband. After her death, Ashwatthama becomes angry and resentful. He blames the universe as any chance of his happiness gets taken away from him. His heart fills with despair and sorrow. He decides he would rather feel anything but this...so he decides to kill.
Dark Alley (Source: Web)
Ashwatthama starts killing every weekend. He attacks and kills the worst people in society. He preys on rapists, serial killers, and pedophiles. Every time he attacks one, he forgets the pain of losing Nadia. On the night of his fiftieth kill, Ashwatthama realizes someone was following him.
"Hello, Ashwatthama, son of Drona," he hears.
"Hanuman?" Ashwatthama says in shock. Ashwatthama stares into his eyes, making sure that this is actually Hanuman. Then, Hanuman suddenly shifts to reveal his monkey form.
The silence creeps in the air.
"You know these killings aren't going to bring her back-" he answers.
"Leave me alone!" Ashwatthama shouts.
"Let me help you. Come with me. I can teach you peace, something your father would have wanted for you. Do you really think he's happy seeing you like this? We both know the answer to that," Hanuman gently offers. Hanuman meant every word he said.
At the mention of his father, Aswatthama doesn't say a word and agrees.
To be Continued in Evil and Good
Hanuman (Source: Artwork by Karan Acharya)
Author's note: This story is mostly fictional on my part. Ashwatthama had to live for millenniums to be able to feel some sort of normalcy. He had been drowning in his own guilt on his own. He thought the killings of the Pandava camp would bring him some sort of comfort knowing he avenged his father but in reality, it emptied and destroyed his character. I wanted to add a little romance to his story. I created Nadia in hopes that Ashwatthama would understand love, hope, and all things good. Nadia was integrated into my version to show Ashwatthama how much he has changed. I think having someone that believed in him really meant a lot to him. Nadia called him Ash, and not Ashwatthama, as she doesn't see him as his old violent self. Because Nadia is human, human nature ran its course, and Nadia fell ill. This is a theme with immortality. Even if you can live forever, everyone around you does not. Ashwatthama did not handle the death well. In a way, it is similar to his father's death but he isn't the same man this time. He decided to feel nothing than to mourn for Nadia, hence he started killing. Ashwatthama still has some good in him. He wouldn't kill just anyone which is in contrast with what he did to the Pandava camp.
I knew I wanted to add another chiranjivi into his story. Hanuman was one character that stood out to me while I was reading Mahabharata. I loved that he's selfless and kind. Keep in mind, Ashwatthama has not seen anyone from his past for thousands of years so seeing Hanuman was a big shock to him. What the readers might not know is that this is so complicated for Hanuman as Bhima was actually his brother. This is what's really special about Hanuman: he is noble and he always does the right thing. Although nothing excuses the deaths Ashwatthama has caused, Hanuman knows that he never intended to do so. Ashwatthama was his father's one weakness, his father is his one weakness.
Bibliography. "Hanuman" by Wendy Doniger. Web Source.
Bibliography. "Mahabharata" Public Domain Edition by Laura Gibbs. Web Source.
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