Respect

Hypomnemata

On the virtue continuum, respect is the balance between disregard and idolatry. Therefore, "give due respect" is neither ignoring someone, nor worshiping them.

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He talks, and talks and blathers on endlessly. That is all. There is no need to pile on and cast further judgement on his character. Give him deference and proper respect, but no need to poke a bear.

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Giving others respect is perhaps more beneficial to you than to them. Isn't it nothing more than giving yourself an opportunity to see what the Cosmos & Universe has in store for you? Do not slam the door shut on Fate, by dis-respecting fellow, rational beings. Assume good intent.

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The mouse respected the lion and was saved. The lion respected the mouse and was saved.

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Pursue living according to Nature; not living according to the neighbors with a bigger house.

Thoughts

Giving respect is always beneficial for the person giving it. Therefore, I should always give due respect. There is no hard and fast rule that states I have to enter into a long-term relationship with every person I come across. I can give them respect, but if the person is not a good person, there is nothing that forces me to continuously give them respect. If our relationship will last a while, time will tell to what degree I must give respect. Is this nothing more than reserving judgement until an adequate amount of time has passed? Time will let me know whether to treat the person as a just person or as a liar and thief.

Sometimes, respect might mean caring enough to rock their boat a bit; to give them some tough love; to tell them how it really is. Again, time will tell if the other person is willing to listen and to change as a result of the tough love. But if they are unwilling, then perhaps that is how they are and only simple, minimal respect is needed.

I wonder if respect and care are synonymous or related somehow. Does the amount of caring I have for the other person correspond to the amount of respect I give them? Perhaps not. I can respect a rattlesnake by staying out of its way; and I am not obligated to care for it. The high-flying manager who bulldozes workers in her path can be given respect. But there is no need to care for her once respect has been paid.

People, at times, do give too much respect and that is not a virtue. When too much respect is given, it becomes worship. Worship blinds people and prevents them from seeing things as they really are. I'm not so sure there are any people in the world that deserve worship. History is replete with false-positives - people who seem to be excellent at leadership or money or fame; or people who claim they speak for God - and consequently, gain many followers who idolize the one person. Again, time tests their leadership, fame and claims to revelation and more often than not, the person did not deserve the idolatry. The sage is rare; therefore as a rule, don't idolize others.

Quotes

Say to yourself first thing in the morning: today I shall meet people who are meddling, ungrateful, aggressive, treacherous, malicious, unsocial. All this has afflicted them through their ignorance of true good and evil. But I have seen that the nature of good is what is right, and the nature of evil what is wrong; and I have reflected that the nature of the offender himself is akin to my own - not a kinship of blood or seed, but a sharing in the same mind, the same fragment of divinity. Therefore I cannot be harmed by any of them, as none will infect me with their wrong. Nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him. We were born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. So to work in opposition to one another is against nature: and anger or rejection is opposition (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1).

He bears in mind too the kinship of all rational beings, and that caring for all men is in accordance with man's nature: but that nevertheless he should not hold to the opinions of all, but only of those who live their lives in agreement with nature. He will constantly remind himself what sort of people they are who do not lead such lives - what they are like both at home and abroad, by night and by day, they and the polluting company they keep. So he disregards even the praise of such men these are people who are not even satisfied with themselves (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.4).

When you fret at any circumstance, you have forgotten a number of things. You have forgotten that all comes about in accordance with the nature of the Whole; that any wrong done lies with the other; further, that everything which happens was always so in the past, will be the same again in the future, and is happening now across the world; that a human being has close kinship with the whole human race - not a bond of blood or seed, but a community of mind. And you have forgotten this too, that every man's mind is god and has flowed from that source; that nothing is our own property, but even our child, our body, our very soul have come from that source; that all is as thinking makes it so; that each of us lives only the present moment, and the present moment is all we lose (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.26).

20. I am grateful, not in order that my neighbour, provoked by the earlier act of kindness, may be more ready to benefit me, but simply in order that I may perform a most pleasant and beautiful act; I feel grateful, not because it profits me, but because it pleases me. And, to prove the truth of this to you, I declare that even if I may not be grateful without seeming ungrateful, even if I am able to return a benefit only by an act which resembles an injury; even so, I shall strive in the utmost calmness of spirit toward the purpose which honour demands, in the very midst of disgrace. No one, I think, rates virtue higher or is more consecrated to virtue than he who has lost his reputation for being a good man in order to keep from losing the approval of his conscience. 21. Thus, as I have said, your being grateful is more conducive to your own good than to your neighbour's good. For while your neighbour has had a common, everyday experience, – namely, receiving back the gift which he had bestowed, – you have had a great experience which is the outcome of an utterly happy condition of soul, – to have felt gratitude (Seneca, Moral Letters, 81).

The soul should also enforce this command upon itself whenever the needs of one's relatives require; it should pause and humour those near and dear, not only when it desires, but even when it has begun, to die. 4. It gives proof of a great heart to return to life for the sake of others; and noble men have often done this. But this procedure also, I believe, indicates the highest type of kindness: that although the greatest advantage of old age is the opportunity to be more negligent regarding self-preservation and to use life more adventurously, one should watch over one's old age with still greater care if one knows that such action is pleasing, useful, or desirable in the eyes of a person whom one holds dear. 5. This is also a source of no mean joy and profit; for what is sweeter than to be so valued by one's wife that one becomes more valuable to oneself for this reason? Hence my dear Paulina is able to make me responsible, not only for her fears, but also for my own (Seneca, Moral Letters, 104).

[20] Enquire, and you’ll find that the difference lies elsewhere. See whether it doesn’t lie in the fact that a human being understands what he is doing; see whether it doesn’t lie in his sense of fellowship, in his fidelity, in his sense of shame, his steadfastness, his intelligence. [21] So where in human beings is the great good and evil to be found? In that which distinguishes them as human; and if that is preserved and kept well fortified, and if one’s self-respect, and fidelity, and intelligence are kept unimpaired, then the human being himself is safeguarded; but if any of these are destroyed or taken by storm, then he himself is destroyed. [22] All that is great in human affairs turns on this. Did Paris suffer his great disaster when the Greeks arrived and ravaged Troy, and when his brothers perished? [23] Not at all, since no one comes to grief as the result of another person’s actions; no, that amounted to nothing more than the laying waste of storks’ nests. His true undoing was when he lost his sense of shame, his loyalty, his respect for the laws of hospitality, his decency (Epictetus, Discourses 1.29).

[29] If you hear, on the other hand, that these men truly believe that the good lies nowhere else than in choice, and in the right use of impressions, then you need not trouble to enquire any further whether they’re father and son, or whether they’re brothers, or whether they were at school together for a long time and are comrades, because even if that is the only thing that you know about them, you can confidently declare that they’re friends, and likewise that they’re faithful and just. [30] For where else can friendship be found than where fidelity lies, and where a sense of shame lies, and where there is respect for what is right and nothing other than that? (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22).

[5] Your father has a certain function that he must fulfil, or else, if he should fail to do so, he will have destroyed the father in him, the man who loves his offspring and is gentle towards them. Don’t seek to make him lose anything else because of that. For it never happens that when someone goes wrong in one thing, he suffers harm in another. [6] In your case, it is your function to defend yourself firmly, respectfully, and without anger. Otherwise you will have destroyed the son in you,* the man who is respectful and high-minded (Epictetus, Discourses 3.18).

When you’re due to meet somebody, and in particular one who is regarded with high respect, put this question to yourself: ‘What would Socrates or Zeno have done in this situation?’ And then you’ll have no difficulty in making proper use of the occasion. When you’re going to meet some very powerful man, put the thought to yourself that you won’t find him at home, that you’ll be shut out, that the door will be closed in your face, that he’ll pay no heed to you. And if, in spite of all that, it is your duty to go, then go, and put up with whatever comes about, and never tell yourself, ‘It wasn’t worth the trouble.’ For that is the mark of a layman, of someone who can be upset by externals (Epictetus, Enchiridion 33).

Just as the propositions ‘it is day’ and ‘it is night’ are entirely meaningful when taken separately, but become meaningless when joined into one, so likewise it may make sense with regard to your body to take the larger share at a dinner, but it makes no sense at all with regard to the maintenance of proper social feeling. So when you’re eating with another person, remember to look not only at the value that the dishes set before you will have for your body, but also at the value of maintaining proper respect for your host (Epictetus, Enchiridion 36).

Citations and further reading

Aurelius, M., & Hammond, M. (2014). Meditations.

Epictetus, ., Hard, R., & Gill, C. (2014). Discourses, fragments, handbook. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Seneca, L. A., & Gummere, R. M. (1917). Ad Lucilium epistulae morales: London: Heinemann.