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Lawmakers Suggest Trading Senators Instead of Draft Picks

In a bold bipartisan move that stunned political analysts and ESPN commentators alike, lawmakers have proposed a revolutionary new strategy to improve government functionality: trading underperforming senators between states instead of relying on outdated election cycles.

The proposal, informally dubbed the "Congressional Fantasy League Act," was introduced during a closed-door session, where frustrated leaders from both parties expressed deep concern over “permanently benched lawmakers,” “career filibusterers,” and “senators who haven’t passed a bill since the Bush administration — the first one.”

“It’s time we brought some accountability to the Senate,” said Rep. Marla Givens (D-MA), who co-authored the bill. “If an out-of-touch senator is tanking their state’s momentum, why not trade them to, say, Wyoming for a couple of up-and-coming city council members and a conditional mayor?”

Under the plan, each state would receive a “Senator Salary Cap” and two political trade windows per year, during which deals could be brokered. Suggested trades already leaked include:

• Senator Ted Cruz to California in exchange for “literally anyone else.”

• Bernie Sanders to Oregon for three compost bins and a granola-based PAC.

• Mitch McConnell to Florida for a rideable gator and early bird dinner vouchers.
  
  

Political analysts are split on the idea. Some say it’s a step toward innovation. Others argue it’s “exactly the kind of chaos you’d expect when politics is already fantasy.”

“It’s not about ideology anymore,” said Fox News contributor Brad Harlowe. “It’s about stats. I want to know how many bills you blocked, how many speeches you gave, and whether you made it past the debate without calling someone a fascist.”

A beta version of the system, “SenTrade™,” has already launched online, where users can simulate trades, bench senators, and even place symbolic gavel bets.

Critics fear this could lead to political mercenaries—senators who constantly switch states in search of better perks, like warmer climates or free health insurance that doesn’t require voting for it.

Longtime senator Chuck Driftwood (R-KS) supports the idea.

“Look, Kansas has been trying to offload me since 2013. If Minnesota’s got a senator who remembers what TikTok is, I say let’s talk.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the former president confirmed that  President Biden “endorsed the idea, as long as Delaware gets to keep its senators and also maybe Tom Hanks.”