Mom

I’m feeling so upset today. I’m peace with my mom‘s decision. I understand that I’m gonna lose my mom and I understand why she made the choice she did. Toady my heart breaks. I hate knowing that my niece and nephew have to go through what I did and never have grandparents who love them. I can forgive the universe for taking my mom because I can handle it, and I will come out stronger because of it, but those kids don’t deserve to lose their grandma.

 The good days

By: Valery Tomadakis

I always thought the bad days were the hardest 

Sitting in a hospital room, just waiting for answers

Listening to the second tick by as fluids and air are pumped.

I thought the hard days were the bad days

Sitting in traffic racing to get up there

Seeing my sickly mom rot away in bed

I thought that those were the hard days.

I realize now that the hardest days are the good ones

Because they give me something to miss

Wedding dress shopping for my cousin

As the white dresses stare back at me

Seemingly mocking that this may be the only time I’ll be in a dress shop with my mom.

The good days are the hardest because they give me hope.

Hope that with everything in me, I have tried to bury it because I know it will lead me to nothing but grief.

And for the rest of my life, I think the good days are going to be my hardest.

Because they are the days that I will miss her most.

They will be the day, I notice an empty chair in the crowd rather than my mom smiling back at me.

I feel that for the rest of my life will search for her in every person I meet

 I will search for her smile and every face I see.

I will search for strength in myself each and every day as I fight.

I will search for her love on good days, I will search for her guidance on the bad days.

I will see her in everything beautiful. 

Every morning I will look in the mirror and will see her face staring back at me. 

And I will know that I am forever my mom’s baby.

That is the one thing cancer can never take from me.

While I know I still can

By: Valery Tomadakis

Growing up I've faced a lot of adversity. Having a dysfunctional family has often been the punchline of my best jokes; you know what they say: laughter is the best medicine. But these last few years, a new challenge arose that was much harder to joke about. I don’t feel that there is a right way to speak about cancer because every word that comes out of my mouth seems to be accompanied by a heavy heart and a shaky voice.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer for the third and final time during my junior year of high school. Sarcoma is a rare type of cancer that develops in different tissues, vessels, and bone- which has proven itself nearly impossible to treat. Believe me, we have tried countless rounds of chemo, pills, and radiation for it to do nothing but worsen my mom's condition. This year we were told that my mom's cancer is terminal, so we have stopped all treatment because she has decided to let it take its course. We support her decision but it has been one of the hardest decisions for my family.

I remember first finding out, we were told many different things by many different doctors just looking for answers and someone to treat her. The hardest thing for me was the first phone call with my sister Chrissey; my sister and my mom haven't had the best relationship throughout my life. So she kept asking if I wanted her at the funeral and I kept telling her my mom was still alive and not to speak about her like she was already gone. One thing I’ve learned from this journey is that no one knows what to say, including me. Everyone asks me how I’m doing but I can’t just answer that  I haven’t been at peace since last year, every second feels like my chest is tightening and it feels like I’m going to breakdown if I think too long, so I say I’m alright because what good does it do to keep on crying about the situation.

One of the biggest struggles for me is when people tell me to pray or that they will pray for me because all I can think about is what good does it do to pray to a god who has only burdened me anytime I have asked for saving. A god who is ripping my mother from my pleading hands. 

I'm sick and tired of people telling me that it's going to be okay because it's not. I know I'll make it through this - but it's not going to be okay. Not one thing has been okay since the day we found out my mom has cancer. 

Cancer has taken so much from me. It has taken my strength, it has taken my hope and faith, it's taken so much of my childhood, and the biggest thing it is taking from me is my mom. I'm not ready to hear the words “your mom would be so proud of you” from anybody's lips but hers. I put on a brave face for a lot of people but I know I don't owe anybody that.

I like to think back to sweet moments my mom and I have had, but even those have been soured by cancer. One conversation I have with my mom is where she tells me she wants to take me and my boyfriend to Colombia someday. You see, my mom is from Bogota, Colombia. It's where her family is and I know it’s where her heart is. I love Colombia even if I’ve had my issues there, but now I struggle to even think about this conversation without tearing up because all I can think is that I'm not going to get the opportunity to go to Columbia with my mom. That’s the thing about cancer - it makes time feel so short, you never know if you have months or if you have years. Someone once told me I should ask my mom to write me a letter for my wedding and college graduation in case she’s not there with me. But a letter could never replace the gentle hands of my mother. 

Cancer has turned my life into a constant battle. I have learned a lot of things from it, like the fact that Red Lobster is open on Christmas, or that people in hospital parking lots love to walk in front of moving cars. But all jokes aside, I have learned that the most important thing in a time like this is having a good support system. Having a support system has been one of the most vital things to me. These people have offered unconditional support for both me and my family during this very hard time and never asked for anything in return. During countless hours and trips to the hospital, each one of them was there. Never did I think I would need friends who would stay with me at the hospital until five in the morning but I am so thankful I have found people who are willing to do that for me.

I don't know how many others have ever cried so hard that it felt like your lungs were collapsing in on themselves while pushing out your last cry for air. I've cried so many tears not only for me but for my mom. I cry knowing she's in pain, I cry because I know that she is scared, and I cry because I feel so guilty. Every day I feel guilty about not always being home with my mom. I cry because I know no matter how much my heart is breaking, the pain she feels is so much greater. 

I'm still a child but I don't get the luxury of being cared for because cancer has taken the one person who's supposed to care for me the most and made it so that she is the one that needs to be taken care of. I cry for my nieces and nephews who are only gonna know grandma as a photo and stories, rather than as the amazing person that my mom truly is. I cry for my dad who is watching the love of his life disappear. I cry for my aunts and uncles who are losing their sister. I cry for the person that I could have become if it wasn't for everything cancer took from me and I cry for every single person who has ever had to lose their mom before her time. 

Being eighteen is hard. You're an adult and for a lot of people, it is their first time being on their own. Figuring out the world is scary but being eighteen and having to worry about losing my mom, being 18 and having to play caretaker, being 18 and putting on a brave face while telling my dad that it's going to be okay as he cries in front of me for one of the only times in my life, and having to feel guilty about acting like an 18-year-old is so much harder. 

No one talks about the anger that comes with a cancer diagnosis. I hate looking in the mirror and no longer recognizing myself. No one talks about how it feels when cancer dims your light. I will forever miss the happy girl I was, I search for her but she is so lost in the anger that's in my heart. I will be happy again but I will never be who I was before losing my mom. I want to be angry. I want to scream and shout. I want somebody to blame. I want somebody to blame for what my mom is going through. 

At some point, I've gotten so sick of asking why. Why this is all happening to me, why I couldn't just be a kid, what I could have done to deserve this and I'm never going to have that answer. I don't know why I wasn't allowed to worry about what I was going to wear to prom or what I was going to get on my math test. I was worried if the cancer had spread anymore, I was worried if I was going to make it up to the hospital to see my mom today.  In my life, I've been through a lot more than most adults have gone through, but cancer is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to my family. So if you take anything from my writing today, it’s this: love those around you while you can, be kind to everybody because you don't know what people are going through. Life is not a guarantee and not something that is certain. But the one thing I am certain of is that I am here to make my mom proud now while I know I still can.