It's amazing how you remember your way around a place you haven't been to in ages. This dirt road looked just the way it did in my head, and even though I had hardly driven around here before it all comes back. You also just don't see forests like this in Colorado.

This view is from a perfect place to end an evening walk and watch a sunset. Time is much different here, and you can just lose yourself in the moment. It's great that I had a place like this to visit as a child, to get away from the suburbs and really grow. The view from this small hill looked better now than I had ever remembered.


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When we visited as children, we all slept in this large upstairs bedroom that was actually an addition to the 100+ year old home. I remember many great vacations spent up here and looking out the window you could always see who was out in the park, enjoying an evening around the fire. I'm not sure my grandmother was ever able to finish the painting on the easel.

The smell of this particular garage came right back to be as soon as I opened the door. Oil, gas, grass, rust and humidity. I remember being tasked with trying to fix the golf cart in here years ago after driving it over too large of a "bump" out in the field. Ah yes, the old golf cart has been the preferred method of transportation on the farm for quite some time.

I\u2019m obsessed with time because we\u2019re in it and there\u2019s no way to get out. At least until the end. But we don\u2019t know what happens then. Or after. And maybe never will. 


Most unendurable: Sunday, February, August, 2-5 pm each afternoon. 


There was a time in Paris when I loved February. My friend and I were living in an apartment on \u00CEle de la Cit\u00E9. All we did was drink, read, and go to cemeteries. I licked Susan Sontag\u2019s grave. I\u2019m not sure why. She once said, \u201CI love being alive. I wake up every morning very grateful that I\u2019m alive. It\u2019s more than enjoyment. I\u2019m very happy to be alive.\u201D 


But you can\u2019t live in Paris forever. And if you could, you\u2019d probably want to leave for New York. Wherever you\u2019re buried, you\u2019re dead. You don\u2019t get to come back and read a book. (Or lick a grave.)


What happens on Sundays? I think we sink. I don\u2019t know why. Sundays are so thin. You can almost always see the past. 


And August is too handsome. It reminds you that everything will end regardless of what it is. But who can forget about summer once they\u2019ve had it? Not me. I just want it again. I want to put my mouth on it like it\u2019s a piece of fruit. 


The afternoon is harder because it happens every day. The illusion that the future continues to be possible is over. That ends somewhere around noon. Or just before it. And you can\u2019t drink until 5. At least not without hating yourself. The evening could mean anything. Sex. Steak. A little fear. But somehow I forget that. And between 2 and 5 I\u2019m ready to take a pill. Or an entire bottle. 


If you needed a trigger warning, this is it. Life is pain. Money makes it easier, I bet. But you still have to live in time. Nobody gets out of that. Here is a blurry photograph taken in Paris, on Sunday, February 3rd. The year was 2013. My phone says the photo was taken at 3:13 pm. But I don\u2019t remember despair. I only remember happiness. 


Despite all the awful hard stuff, Alex's life was a gift, and remembering her beautiful life is a gift, too. Alex certainly gave me a multitude of wonderful memories and a lifetime of joy. Even beyond her legacy of hope for other children, she gave me so many shared moments and a huge personality that left her mark on my soul forever. I'm forever grateful to her and for her life--a life that has given the opportunity at life to other kids like Edie, Zack, Philip, and countless other kids who have fought their battles and won thanks to research funded by the legacy Alex created.

The chorus, "I remember everything, you're inside singing," may suggest that the protagonist is haunted by memories of their past, and that their maker or creator is a constant presence in their life. The line "You look like Jesus on the water" could be a reference to a moment of vulnerability or innocence that the protagonist associates with their maker, but also suggests that their maker is unreachable, like a messianic figure in the distance.

The rest of that year turned into one of the greatest climbing summers of our lives and one I will always remember. Alex adventured with Alan and myself on many different exploratory and developing efforts in the park. e24fc04721

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