A simple way to solve any inter-gender relationship problem is to approach it from the core of our own individual makeups. It is like the auto engineer approaching car problems from the standpoint of the engine. Many people seem to have realized this already. But, quite often, the actual explanation of such deep-going approaches are lost in complex language, thereby denying millions access into the deep open realms in our individual psyches that hold the answer to most of our problems in life. Here, however, I endeavor to remove that technical barrier to enable anyone free access into what may have, hitherto, been a region of the 'initiated' of sorts.

The Need To Understand The Inter-gender Reality

"Physical attraction may be as old as time," says Oprah.com, "but new studies are beginning to uncover the science behind sex appeal". What does that tell you? It basically says that the sexual aspects of our lives have begun to attract scientific attention too. Contrary to the possibly widespread assumption that gender and sexual issues should not be brought to the courtroom of reason, whole scientific volumes are being committed to the subject.

Now, because science and philosophy generally walk the same lane, I now also tell you about the philosophical approach to the inter-gender reality. As Luce Irigaray is quoted as having said, "sexual difference is one of the major philosophical issues, if not the issues, of our time". We need, for instance, to understand the reality behind sex and gender to make real headways in our respective romantic (and other) relationships involving the opposite gender. Otherwise, we keep having the same relationship issues Adam had with Eve still right here with us in the third millennium. It actually gets to become a war.

So, Understand The War And Turn It Into A Game For Yourself

One of the deepest truths ever revealed about the underground factors behind inter-gender relationship difficulties is to be found in Laura Freberg's Discovering Biological Psychology. The publication cuts well into the fine lines in explaining this in terms of the contemporary awareness level in the study of human psychology. But this profundity is mostly locked up in technical jargon such as 'histocompatibility'. So, get ready as we adopt a highly simplified use of language to remove the technical barrier and go in a single sweep even far deeper than Laura did into the all-important gender core.

Behind the sex is the gender. As simple as it may seem, these fine lines are obviously lost on over 80% of the so-called 'sexperts'. And, due to limited awareness, you find that what would have resulted in complementarity between the opposite genders, often end up breeding interminable conflicts. This line of thought was behind a passage of verse I was once inspired to scribble on my note some time ago:

There is a war

From the natural law

Of the male-female core

Whether anyone acknowledges it or not, there is a perennial inter-gender war going on among humans. It goes on non-stop. It is a psychological war that leads to its emotional version, and then, to the physical many times. But it was, first of all, an ontological situation that anyone could have sorted out by themselves if they saw things a bit more clearly. It is obviously actually meant for an existential mutual completion. But now, quite unfortunately, it mostly results in an internal misunderstanding that manifests as external conflicts.

This internal misunderstanding is the cause of every dating and mating problem we have on Earth. It means that, if you can understand "the inter-gender war" - and to the extent that you understand it - you will have the hang of all inter-gender relationship problems at a go. Apart from helping to advance humanity significantly when you do this, you personally need it to be safer from the thousands and millions of avoidable emotional aches that eat away on millions of people across the wide world.

The Metaphysical Background to Inter-gender Differences

To start with, here is an adaptation of an interesting folktale we used to tell when we were kids:

The hawk was sent on an errand by the King of the Animal Kingdom (by the way, which animal do you think wears this crown?)

"Honorable Hawk", the King said, "Today is our market day and I need to know the number of people at the market square right now. So, do your work as the Animal Kingdom Minister of Population. Get me the figures before I blink".

Immediately, Honorable Hawk flew to the market square. He took about 5 minutes flying above and across the expansive commercial center, taking aerial pictures by using his smartphone's camera(!), and getting greetings from the masses down below. Then, the royal official returned to the Palace.

"The great King of the Animals", Hon. Hawk greeted as soon as he approached the magnificent throne on which the King sat (or, was it 'perched'?).

"My best minister, you're blessed", said the King, looking like the Pope in Rome. "I trust your ministerial speed and efficiency with the trust of a kid. So, I'm not a bit surprised that you are already through the hallowed assignment my Majesty entrusted to you a while ago".

"My King" Hon. Hawk said with a bowed figure, "I feel extremely honored by this eulogy from no less a persona than the King of the most illustrious race of all time and eternity - the animal race".

"Now, don't you waste royal time Oh dear minister; make known the result of your most recent demographic assignment?" The King said, giving much enhancement to the crane of his neck.

"Oh dear King, I have carried out the market census. There are but two animals at the square" Hon. Hawk snapped. "Live forever oh King!".

"Hon. Hawk!" cried the King, with incomprehensible rage in his voice and an odd mix of absolute surprise and hell-hot anger in his eyes. “Since when did things degenerate to the point of you kidding your King? Again, let me make sure I just heard you correctly: How many animals did you count in your most recent ministerial assignment?"

"Just two, Oh King, just two. Your kingly ears could not have deceived you", said Hon. Hawk as a matter of course. "Just two: male and female".

THE POINT OF THE STORY???

As simple and fun as it may have sounded to you, the above story buttresses a profound metaphysical fact. First, contrary to the stance that has held sway among feminist philosophers since Simone de Beauvoir that people are not born as male and female but instead only become so (which makes absolutely nothing of the reality of the human anatomy and physiology), there are basically two human realities that exist. These are represented as two radically different but mutually complementing psycho-spiritual blocs of humanity, namely, male and female. The two exist to complete what lacks in each other. But the failure to understand the complementarity of this difference in some sense is the cause of most-all inter-gender relationship difficulties which have their culmination in inter-gender romance.

Looking At The Situation Right From Inside Ourselves

The inter-gender phenomenon actually goes far deeper than most people may ever get to realize. Yet, it's actually an extremely simple situation. I found a popularly physical manifestation of it that will help you to begin to understand gender difference-in-complementarity: the male and female sex organs.

The way that human male and female sex organs are shaped and function gives a lot of insight into the ultra-profound difference between the male and the female psycho-emotional constitutions. First off, looked at superficially, the male organ is made to give rather than take while the female organ is shaped the other way around: to take rather than give. But, in receiving, the female body 'donates' itself to serve as the receptacle for the fruition of the man's seeds.

Again, the male organ gives by going in while the female organ takes by covering. See the inner meaning manifested in this sexuo-physical outlay: the man gives and ends up getting a covering, protection, from that. One manifestation of this interplay is that the dovetailing of the two opposite organs completes a circuit that is perceived as some sublime electricity coursing through the parties which we call sexual pleasure. Again, this electricity is but the same yet it's experienced differently in both vessels.

In any case, the above account has just scathed the surface of the matter. But the simple lesson from it is that, while one party may see him/herself as the giver and the other as the receiver, if the situation is viewed objectively, the fact is that both are equitably giving and receiving values to and from the other. As it is manifested in the physical and physiological levels, so it is down to the psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even economical.

Far beyond this physical expression, copulation gets deep into the psychic depths where there are at heart but two individuals whose give-and-take relationship leads to mutual completion. The two are one but they are one only like the two poles of the same magnetic bar. Each of the two ends up giving something deeply precious to their existential unity which physical copulation only manifests at a very relatively shallow level. Think about these things, see physical copulation as an expression of this polar unity and you will unravel "the core of inter-gender war".

Doing Away With The Under-pinning Cause of An Overwhelming Majority of Inter-gender Romantic Difficulties

When we look at things from a subjective point of view, we may begin to feel a sense of self-pity (like the unfairly treated party) which holds the ace among the underpinning causes of romantic conflicts. For instance, as an African, you may begin to feel that you are naturally disadvantaged relative to the rest of human kind. But, if you really take a disinterested look at the situation, every African has this unusual advantage over his/her colleagues from say Europe or America: He has more easy opportunity to break into new grounds (since Africa has more of unexplored problems than other regions).

When we apply this to the question of inter-gender relationships that is at issue here, you will realize that, while nature and culture (which mostly takes a cue from nature) may apportion roles to the genders, there is ultimately a fair give-and-take balance existing underneath it all.

Desmond Nweke, Ph.D