Milestones

I’ve always had a hard time making friends. Before classes started, I always assumed studying online would make my predicament even worse. In real life, waiting for someone to approach me wouldn’t be a death sentence. That tactic usually worked fine—I didn’t need many friends, one or two was always good enough. Obviously, this would not work in an online setting. None of us can see each other; at least, not all at once. If I didn’t budge out of my bubble, I knew I’d be doomed to isolation. 

So, you might have imagined how pleasantly surprised I was when I realized I’d have an easier time than I thought. No, the problem of having to reach out wasn’t solved for me. However, I found that I was actually friendlier online than I was in person. You’re probably asking yourself, “Isn’t that how it usually works?” 

Not for me, no. You see, I have the kind of social anxiety that doesn’t stop at speaking face to face. It bleeds into online interactions, too. I can’t tell you how many text messages I’ve examined and re-examined until my head began to ache with all that sickening worry. My heart would go badump-badump, fluttering faster and faster like a butterfly pinned under a gaze. 

“So, what changed?” 

Well, it wasn’t an easy change to make. It’s not even particularly clever or inventive. I, as internet slang would say, “raw-dogged” it. Everytime I felt that familiar tremble in my heart, those imaginary eyes glaring over my shoulder, I’d decide then and there to do it. To press the send button. No more time to fret. Did this result in some messages that would’ve been better phrased or asked some other time? Perhaps. 

But I’d done it. I actually did the thing only a few years ago, I'd have sat there overthinking for half an hour till I upset myself to frustrated tears. 

Sometimes, I still forget to just take the leap of faith. An almost 9-year long habit is hard to break. And I have other anxieties now that have revealed themselves, as if eager to fill in the closing gap. But I was finally gaining ground on something I’d been fighting for so long, I can barely remember a time when I wasn’t fighting. 

This isn’t a very enlightening piece. I don’t have a smart trick that helped me get over anxiety. But to whoever might have some invisible eyes of their own breathing down their necks, please know that you aren’t weird. We’re only a couple of the thousands of people who feel this way. You can get over it.

After crossing this hurdle, I find myself not as lonely in UPOU as I’d feared. I have some friends I chat with, one of the first being a fellow MMS 100 student, a girl named Keona. I’m enjoying my courses. There’s probably going to be loads more hurdles on this four-year long track I’ve begun, but now that I’ve jumped over a few, it doesn’t feel so impossible. Maybe you’ll see me four years later able to transfer her online confidence to the real world. I certainly hope so.

Here’s to the rest of my online learning journey!